Star Wars VII

I went to Star Wars VII with the boys last night. Tempting...but, I will not give out any spoilers. You're welcome. The experience reminded me of Layne. It reminded me that if he were here he would have been there too. Or, maybe he and I would have seen it together at some point. I also couldn't miss the gap that was felt when it came to he and the boys going to see a movie together. They used to go to see all the live action films together. It's been a thing for them. I can also see in my mind a picture of him being excited about seeing it. Last night the boys felt the excitement - fun to watch. Layne would have been the same way - although, probably a little more dignified about it. I even thought of Layne as our oldest was a bit anxious about getting there on time.
We had a conversation about how the first movie that same kid could have been in the theatre for was a Star Wars movie. But, his dad was a little nervous/hesitant about it. I was all ready to just 'wear' my infant. But, he was concerned. Looking back...I should have put up more of a 'fight'. Oh well.

This...

This is how I will remember Layne. This is from September 2012. I will remember the smile and the blue eyes (not the dark, foreboding color the was visible at the end). I will remember the casualness of the pose and setting. He's comfortable. I will remember the Padres hat that was worn so much it faded to a different color. I always thought of it representing San Diego and the beach more than for the team it represented. I will remember the guy with a body that had muscles (not the most recent skin and bones version). I look at this picture and I can almost hear his laugh.

Kids Adjusting

As I've been thinking about things I'm grateful for this past week - I have been grateful that we homeschool. One of the things I love is that we could be together after Layne's death and funeral. We were able to process in a way that felt so much more natural and connected. I'm not sure how I would have rushed them off to school with the knowledge that they would be expected to concentrate on other things. I also know that they would have been expected to accomplish a few things in between attending school and going to bed at night. I don't think it would have been healthy to place the burden on them to just ignore their father's death and all of the thoughts and feelings that go along with it.
They seem to be managing relatively well. I don't think that would have happened in a classroom.

Thinking About It

One of the best things about being back online is that I get to post again. I still feel like I have so many things to write. I keep mulling around the idea of somehow connecting blogs...maybe having a better way of sharing them...making them more accessible. I know. I think I've said something like that before. There are some topics that take me awhile to go from thinking about them to taking action. This is one of them.

Tech Support

Our internet has been down for days. I won't tell you how many. I had thought to have a friend come look at it...do some troubleshooting. Today, I knew I had to be the one to figure something out. Jacob has spent some time trying to find a way to make things work. I called tech support. Yep. Me and all of my technical knowledge called tech support - not really even knowing what questions to ask. I obviously could tell them what the issue was...just not very familiar with all the jargon that comes after the initial statement. Later I felt a little better when I realized that it's the guys job to help people that don't know what they're doing. I'm not sure why...but, for some reason I told him not too long into the conversation that my husband was usually the one to deal with the technology side of things. His response was, 'That's okay.'. He then moved right onto the next step. I felt like I needed to give some kind of excuse as to why I didn't know what I was doing. Maybe I was feeling insufficient. He gave the impression that I was capable and was more than willing to help. I would give him some kind of shout out - but, I don't remember his name. I think there were times I was rambling as I talked through my answers to his questions. Oh well. It's done and we're up and running. I guess it's on to the next thing. Finances perhaps?

Christmas Gifts

This is a tricky time of year. I usually feel a bit panicked about getting everything done. It's one of the times that Layne usually steps in because I'm just not managing on my own. I think I got used to him helping with the gifts for the kids. He would figure out what would be fun for them to receive and then also figure out the best way to go about obtaining it. He just did it. (It's one of his qualities I wish I had...wish it would have 'worn off' onto me.) This year - I'm working on it. I think I have an idea or two for all of the kids...except for the oldest. He's being rather cryptic. I'm not sure what he wants or what to get him. I have picked up one item and will be visiting Amazon soon for some other things. I miss Layne's help. I miss having someone step in when they could tell that I felt like I was in too deep. I miss having things just 'magically' being done. He was great at taking care of everything. I now have the job and I am stumbling. There's no back-up now - I got spoiled knowing that Layne was always my 'back-up plan' when it came to the items on my 'to do' list that just never quite got done. I can do this. (If I say it enough times it's bound to be true.) Wish me luck.

Anniversary

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. It was the first time I had to figure out a meaningful way to celebrate without having him here. It's been 19 years for us. It's a memorable time of year. We started dating around this time of year as well. We had met in the spring - but, it took him awhile to actually 'ask me out'. I remember our first date was ice skating. Sounded fun. I hadn't done much ice skating since I was a child. But, I was up for it nonetheless. I also remember him admitting that he didn't really know how to skate very well. I was actually impressed that he would invite me to do something with him where he knew he wasn't going to be showing off - and then there was the possibility of doing something embarrassing. It ended up being true. He didn't know how to skate. We had a good time. It has crossed my brain since then that he might have just wanted a good excuse for us to be close. It seems that with ice skating...the instinct is to cling to someone if you're unstable...and on the flip side...to 'catch' the other person as they are falling. It was probably all part of his plan. I would realize later that he is someone that plans ahead.
Part of yesterday wasn't very fun for me. I missed Layne. I had doubts. I was scared about the future. I let my train of thoughts run off track. Lesson learned. Although...no guarantees given. I might do it again someday. Grief is an odd thing. There are times it defies the reason that we might try to apply to it. It tends to act on its own.
Some of the good things about yesterday were: going to the temple (and finding one that was open on a Monday morning), messages from family and friends - some unexpected (people I hadn't heard from in awhile who felt like 'someone' wanted them to reach out), 'randomly' seeing a friend of ours from student housing days at the place I stopped for lunch, the kids letting me just have the day to process (and helping to boost my spirits in the end), people bringing by fun things - flowers had been delivered while I was at the temple...and later in the day items for dinner along with some bright flowers found their way to our door with hugs as a welcome addition. (I'm not even sure they knew it was our anniversary...the timing just 'worked out' that way.)
The temple I went to just happened to be the last place Layne and I had gone together. It was the last endowment session Layne had done. His parents and sisters were also with us. Great memory. I have a picture of the two of us in front of the temple for the picture that is on my phone. He looks so frail.
Looking back, there were things that happened that seemed to have been inspired. Like I stated previously - part of the day was really hard. But, in the end...I actually feel pretty good about it. I even ended it with watching an episode from a show that we had started watching together (Madam Secretary).

Twenty-Four Hours

I had a rough past 24 hours. It all started with running into the dishwasher and being down for the count on the floor. I'm sure my ego and gash on my leg will heal. The dishwasher door was actually bent. I tried to bend it back. We tried it today and it seems to function. While I was on the floor I started a bit of a pity party. I didn't know why my husband had to leave. There was no one to come and help me. (Although, one of my thoughtful sons came in the kitchen and tried. One of my daughters tried to come and comfort me too. For some reason it just didn't work for me at the time. I let them know I was grateful. But, inside I felt like it just wasn't the same.) I was upset about how unfair life is...I realized my new life was always having to be the one to fix things - especially tricky when 'everything' seems to keep breaking. I also get to the be one to make sure everything gets done for the family and around the house/yard. I was really feeling down about my situation.
I went to the temple this morning and it wasn't the experience that I hoped it would be. I was struggling. I didn't know why Layne had to leave. I was hoping to feel his presence there. It didn't really happen. I had a hard time for a good portion of the day.
Tonight...I joked with the kids during dinner. The words, 'don't pay no mind to the demons - they fill you with fear', came into my mind. I have listened to the song often enough to recognize the quote. I also knew right then that Layne was trying to tell me to stop being upset about all the hard things. If I obsess about them - they will bring fear. Maybe that's why today was hard. I was so concerned about how hard things are and how the future is going to work out that I wasn't paying attention to some of the good things in my life - like kids that I enjoy hanging out with during dinner. Of course, the first thing I did when I had the chance was head to YouTube to play the 'Home' song (Phillip Phillips) that had come to my mind earlier. Thanks Layne for the reminder. I think he was trying to tell me something all day - and last night. I was so consumed that I wasn't listening. A lot of tears that didn't need to be shed. A lot of worry over nothing. Well, sort of nothing. I still think most of the things I was worried about are real concerns. Some weren't. I think back on it now and can picture Layne rolling his eyes. I really think he doesn't want me to panic. There will be hard things - there are hard things to work through - but, I think he really just wants me to remember that if I just work on things a little bit a time and keep going that's the best I can do. I don't need to accomplish everything all at once. I need to try and not go crazy about all the things that need to be done. I will stop there or I will start thinking about it too much and then I'll start listening to the demons so to speak.

Honeymoon

Last night was tough. I realized that the 'honeymoon' was over. Obviously, having a spouse pass away is not as great as the day you marry them - so, it's not exactly the same. I'm just thinking about the grace period that you get when life events happen. The kids being born would be another example. There's a time when you're allowed to just 'check out' for a bit in order to get used to the newness of something in your life. I really felt last night that the time was up for me. I realized a couple of things have happened that let me know that others expected me to be 'on my feet' again. It's not like I expect others to give me some kind of 'free pass' for an indefinite period of time.
I also had a couple of personal thoughts that made me realize this is just how life is going to be for me. I'm going to be the one that gets to be in charge of everything all at once - with no spouse to give any kind of support of even encouragement. I realize others have offered to help. It's appreciated. But, it's just not the same. I also get to be the one to ask others to help. At the same time...I know I can't ask others to help with every little thing.
I know I've said that Layne has been close by at times. But, I didn't feel that last night. I even started to think crazy, 'what if...' kinds of things. Such as, what if Layne needed to be done with his earth experience because there's really someone else that had waited long enough for him to return. And, that's who he's really supposed to be with instead of me. When I try to think about it logically - I know he'd be frustrated with me for thinking those things. It's just hard to move forward and get it out of my mind. I know we've made covenants and he honors those - I just can't shake some of my thoughts.
I feel like there's so much to do and so many things I'm not getting done. Maybe it's just all starting to really get to me. I don't want to be alone. But, at the same time...I agree with the kids...my getting married again seems 'weird'. I would feel like I would be betraying Layne. He said that he would be okay with it if that's what would make me the most happy. It just doesn't feel right. At least not right now. I might change my mind in a few years. I don't know. It would just seem odd to commit to someone else. The idea of even dating seems creepy to me right now. That sounded a little like a young tween not quite ready to try out the dating scene. Maybe I should be adult about it and say that the idea makes me feel uncomfortable.
I feel like I'm supposed to be jumping into reality more. I should be accomplishing more - for myself and with the kids. We should be able to be more efficient by now. I should be okay with being in charge - even when so many things keep breaking and I get to be the one that fixes them. And that's just the things we own. That doesn't even begin to take in the scope of the people involved. I really want what's best for the kids and I. Yes. I realize I'm giving myself too many 'shoulds'.

Bring Him Home

This song. I have been thinking about this one lately. There are several reasons. I was reminded this past week about the great experience I had to see this performed live. Anything from Les Mis also reminds me of the opportunities I had to see my sister perform (Eponine) when she traveled with the show. Of course - there's also the question - who doesn't love Les Mis and this song?
One of the biggest reasons I was bawling while listening to this song earlier today was because of an experience I had this past summer while we were in Nauvoo, IL. We were there for a family reunion and some of us had gone to a show that included this song. The show was about families and how things continue on through time. As you can imagine...I was already feeling tender about the whole thing. Then it happened. The performer on the stage was singing this song as he always had and I heard the words, "You need to let him go.". I immediately grabbed one of the two tissues that was already useless by this time. Right then I knew there would be no miraculous healing. Layne would be leaving us and it was going to happen seemingly sooner rather than later. That might have been enough for the waterworks - but, then I started to wonder if there were things I was doing or saying that made it so my husband felt like he couldn't give in to the cancer and be done. Was I holding him back? Everyone knows he's a fighter. But, did I have anything to do with his need to stay even longer? So many questions. I didn't want to be the one causing more pain than he was already experiencing. I had to just give in and let go - completely. I had to be okay with it. I had to do more than just say, "If you're going to take him - it'll be alright.". I was required to give him up - to put him on the alter so to speak. It was a real test.

Headstone Part Three

So, here's a picture of the paper version of the headstone. I'm going to take a line from a movie and say, "Le me 'splain.".

I got to the location of our meeting without knowing exactly what to put on the headstone. I felt like I should have been more prepared and yet I wasn't sure how to do that. I had thought about some things that might work. But, didn't have anything that I felt sure about at the time. I had discussed it with Layne. I had a general idea of what he didn't want...you know, the usual.:} He pretty much left it to me and what I wanted to do. I think he just didn't really want to decide. I had asked the kids about it too. I told them a couple of ideas. They said they were good with the idea of having their names on it. (I had to promise Jonny that we would use the nick name he's used to instead of his 'full name'.) The names of the kids might have been something I would have put on the back - but, we have a flat stone as per the cemetery requirements.
I got there and looked at some of the samples. I chose the type of stone. Then I started looking through the books they have with so many different examples. My 'too many options' brain started to get a little frazzled. I had brought in a piece of paper that I had written a couple of things on - our names, dates, the kids names...
As I was looking through the books I noticed the music staff and knew it had to be a part of what was done. The gal that was helping me had already asked some things about what we like in order to get some ideas going and decisions made - as soon as possible - because I'm good at making hasty decisions. (Whatever.) We talked a little bit about running and writing...about being a mom. All of those are good things - just didn't feel right. So, I was excited when something clearly was the right thing to put on it. I just realized that everything on here has more than one meaning. Maybe the items mentioned earlier had too much to do with us individually. I realized that I wanted something to represent us. I wanted things that meant something. I knew Layne wanted each item to have a purpose. You don't waste space when it's something so permanent that has the possibility for so much meaning.
So back to the musical staff. Music is something that is important to both of us individually and is very much a part of our relationship. (I wanted to make sure I used present tense there because all I have to do is hear a song and he's present.) We spent time enjoying and making music while he was here. I don't see a reason to stop doing that.
One of the last things I decided was the temple. I wasn't sure I wanted it on there. Would there be room? Would it be too 'cheesy'? Layne didn't like cheesy and I'm not sure I'm a fan either. The temple is important to us. I don't mean to slight the meaning of the temple and the things that happen there. In fact, it's because of the covenants we've made that I have had an easier time of all this than I would have otherwise had if he were to just be gone - with no more connections. The temple is important. I just didn't want to do it because it's a common thing to do. I decided to go with the Oakland Temple because that's where we were married and sealed together. I think part of the reason I did that was for the reminder of eternal families. I don't know if it's something I would have put on there if both of us had grown old together. I think there would have been something about the gospel - because that is a very big part of our lives. I just don't know if it would have been a temple. But, because Layne died with enough time for me to feel a need to remember that we are still a family, I decided to have it be a part of what was important. The gal asked if I wanted to put on a phrase surrounding the temple - many people put on 'families are forever' or something similar. I didn't feel the need to go along with the trend. I knew the temple represented that message. I also knew Layne would have wanted to stay away from a trend at all costs.:}
Layne and I had talked a couple of times about the choice between a beach house and a cabin in the mountains. I was curious. It's supposed to say something about who you are - because I place importance on things like that - not really...just fun to think about sometimes. I think I brought it up because I can never quite decide. I love the idea of both. I'm not sure what that's supposed to say about me. Maybe it says I just want to have it all. Maybe it states that I have a hard time making decisions. Maybe I was bringing it up so we could secretly figure out a way to have both. There was no question with Layne. He didn't even need to vocalize that he would choose the beach house. I just already knew. I would have loved for us to get back to San Diego or the Bay Area just one more time. I thought of that and realized that it would be great to do something that combined the ocean and the mountains. One of the reasons I liked the idea is because it represents the places we have lived together. I also like that it's a statement about our relationship. We are different in so many ways and yet still share a togetherness. Maybe it's the yin/yang idea...two making one whole. Maybe it's opposites attract. I thought it was a good way to show different but the same. We are equals. We are one. Ok. Moving on. I felt great about using the ocean and mountain combination. They started out with a palm tree with the ocean and pine tree immediately in front of mountains (that looked more like hills). It didn't feel quite right. The palm tree reminded me too much of Hawaii. I love it there and I will be forever grateful for the opportunity we had to go together. (Thanks again family.) It's just that when I think of us at the beach together (which mostly includes several locations on both coasts of the USA and Mexico) - I don't think of palm trees. There are palm trees in some of those places. I just remember times together on the beach including the sand, waves, birds, cliffs, the sun, and each other. I requested something without the palm tree. They came up with what is now there. The pine tree was next. I asked if they had anything that looked more like large mountains instead of hills. I got a no on that one. (I'm sure I sounded a little more diplomatic about it at the time.) I then had the idea of aspens pop into my head. I asked about those and they came up with putting the aspens in front of the mountains and moving the mountains higher up on the surface - funny how that made them look more like mountains. It made me happy...so I went with it. It made me think of wishing we had spent more time in the mountains together - it also made me remember the wish to get Layne to The Ranch one more time. It felt important so I kept it that way. Those are just some of the rambling...tumbling thoughts that I had about the ocean and mountains. It felt like a good way to show balance. I especially think that as I see them on opposite sides and think about how the eye is brought from one corner to the other as well.
I decided to make it more unique by only doing the 'scroll' for our last name. The others I saw did the individual names and dates that way as well. I noticed later that everything else fits so much better the way it's done now.
The headstone will be placed facing east. It will be seen from the 'street' in the cemetery. Layne is buried on the south side. I will be on the north. I was pleased that's the way it worked out. It reminds me of the 'sides' we took as slept each night. I'm glad I'll be in the right spot.:} It's odd how many seemingly random things come to mind.
Well...that ended up being longer than I'd originally thought. I wanted to make sure I got the background in there. There's a meaning and reason behind all of it. I feel really good about it. I'm looking forward to seeing it when it's placed.

Musical Note

We have been listening to some music tonight. After a bit - the kids started listening to a couple of 'covers' for songs that are familiar. One of them was Phillip Phillips' 'Home'. It started and Megan stated, "Mom always cries on this one.". Jonny was about to change it. I was in another room and told them to leave it where it was - so we could listen to the whole song. I will listen every time. And, just to be clear...I really don't cry every time.
I have spent part of the evening realizing how much listening to accapella is such a family thing for us. Thanks Layne. It was definitely one of his favorite genres.

Headstone Accomplishment

I started to think that I should just get it done. I had first thought to give myself up to a year to get the details worked out. After visiting his grave - I knew I needed to get it done sooner. I was grateful I had someone that had offered/agreed/committed to help financially with this specific purchase.
I had thought to look into other companies for the product. The cemetery is about an hour away from our house. (Another story - but, definitely for another time.) The other companies I had in mind were closer to the cemetery than our home. The thought was to go in for information and possible ordering when I was down in the area. I didn't necessarily want to drive down just to visit the companies on site. (I had looked at websites but they didn't have the information I needed for a specific order. I was going to need to go in.) The occasions that got me close by ended up not working out for me to get things done and I would end up going back home without accomplishing the task. It was partly logistics and partly not wanting to deal with it when I was there. It might be that one has to be emotionally in the right place to order a headstone for a loved one (and oneself).
I was checking details from the original pre-order that we did with the mortuary one night. I was thinking about the fact that it seemed to cost a little more than the other places did - by this time a sister-in-law had called both of the places I had in mind and had gotten a basic quote or two. She shared the information with me and that's when I realized that the other places would be less expensive for seemingly the same product. I was trying to figure out scheduling and when I could get to the locations to find out more information and place an order. While I was looking at the order sheet a thought came to me..."just get it done"... I think Layne was tired of my back and forth lack of action taken. I knew he wanted the task accomplished and that I should just go with the original company because that's what would be the easiest and what we had already planned. I called the next day to make an appointment with the sales gal that I had been introduced to when at the mortuary taking care of funeral details. I was thinking the appointment was going to be at the location I had gone to before. It was actually about a 25-30 minute drive. That was more than I'd hoped for - but, I still ended up being fine with it. I was just happy to be moving forward. I went to the appointment, made decisions, and left feeling really good. One thing I was pleased with was that according to the information I had - what I ordered was a little less than what I remembered the quote being from one of the other companies - and there was even a bigger difference for the other company. I remembered leaving and thinking that I knew for sure that the original order we did was definitely more. I attempted a dignified response when being shown the price and knowing it was significantly less then what I recall the number to be on the original order. I witnessed a little miracle. I just felt very blessed. I was so grateful that things worked out the way they did. Everything just fell into place. I kept trying to make it work the way I thought it was supposed to work. When I just decided to go a certain route it all worked out just as needed.
(End note: I mentioned a pre-order a couple of times. If an order is put together before the person dies - there's a better deal because you planned ahead. The order we did originally was thought to be at a little bit of a discount. Thus, part of the reason I wasn't expecting the cost to be half to two-thirds the number that I had in my head.)

Headstone Background

I ordered our headstone on Thursday. I'm pleased with how it worked out. This is kind of three parts...one is a little background, the second is my efforts to accomplish the task and the third is about what I chose to put on the headstone and why.

I have been thinking about getting this accomplished since Layne passed away. We had talked a bit about what to put on it and other details surrounding the decision. We decided to do a double headstone and not to do anything too extravagant or showy. He also didn't seem to want anything on there that was just going to fill up space. I asked about roses one time and he shook his head, rolled his eyes, and smiled. No roses. The answer was not a big deal. I already knew what he would say. I was also fine with the answer. I didn't feel any need to have roses on there either. I wasn't quite sure what to put on - besides the basic information. I knew there should be something else...just not sure what to have that be.

I had a thought to have it done for our anniversary (November 16th). Those of you who know anything about this are laughing right now. I understand. For those who don't know why that was a silly thought - here in Utah they have crazy requirements...such as no snow on the ground when they place the headstone. So unreasonable, right?:} I think there was something else. I was told that anything ordered after September 1 is given a 'not until the spring' guarantee. So, chances are it won't be happening in another couple of weeks. (I also probably ordered a bit late to make that happen in the first place.)
One other detail - we included the headstone in the package deal we put together with the funeral home. When we were quoted a price for the specifics it seemed like we might have been able to do something a little less expensive. But, at the time it seemed easier to just go with what we already had done. When it came time to pay for the funeral I needed to cut costs a little. So, I took off the order for the headstone. I figured I could take care of it later...once I had more cash available. It would also give me time to decide what to put on it when my head was a little more clear.

We Did It

Today the kids and I worked on getting the yard 'winterized'. I have been a little worried about taking over everything Layne used to do. We would all help with the yard. But, he was the one in our household that had taken charge of home repairs and the yard. I think we did okay. I'm glad Layne had shown us what to do on a couple of things that we might not have thought of ourselves. Things are much easier when you know what you're doing. There were a couple of times when we were working away that I thought, "We can do this.". And really, we can. It was actually kind of fun to be working together. The kids do a pretty good job of being truly helpful. I think that was part of my relief today. There was a big task ahead of us and we accomplished it together - in just a couple of hours. Nice. We had the rest of the day to get some other things done and then just relax.

Time Marching On

It's been four whole weeks since Layne passed away. It seems like it just happened in some ways. I can't quite get used to him being gone. In other ways it seems like it's been so very long since he was here. I don't know when the part about missing him will ever go away. It probably doesn't - just would be nice to be able to function a little better.
It's kind of an odd day. The twentieth of last month was when we celebrated his birthday. It's the four weeks like I mentioned above since he passed away and yet in a couple of days, on the 22nd, it'll be a whole month. I'm not sure how to count these things.
Our anniversary is less than a month away. Nineteen years.

Dancing Partner

So...this guy is a favorite artist of Layne's. There are a couple of other songs that he listened to more than this one. But, this is one that I like. This is Layne. He doesn't dance - at least not in public. This song reminds me of the times it would just be us dancing in our bedroom...country music playing. No fancy foot work - just time to be alone together. I miss all the things that he would do just for me. If I were a singer/songwriter - I would write a country song all about it.

Roles

Thoughts from earlier...

We had the news that Layne would be spending the rest of his life at home on hospice. We both took on different roles. They weren't rehearsed - just shouldered as needed.

After that, I watched as more weight was lost...more energy was taken away...the desire to live decreased...the ability to do slowly vanished...the keen mind gradually deteriorated...the appetite all but depleted...reality set in as the spirit of hope was defeated...and that was all him.

I got to play the role of the strong one...the one that gained weight...the one that needed to display endless energy...the one that needed to keep life together for the family...the one that needed to take on all the responsibilities of family and home...the one that needed to learn much while taking care of another full time...the one that eventually had to make sure she ate even when a meal was missed...the one that displayed optimism even when not feeling it...and so much more.

Huntsman Team

Did I take a picture? Yes. I almost didn't. I'm glad I reached out of my comfort zone to make the request. I will always be grateful for the team he was able to work with at Huntsman here in Salt Lake City. Picture still to come...
Dr. Garrido, Layne, and Cami

The Past Year

I've ben thinking this morning about the past year. Last year at this time Layne was still able to function. We thought the treatment he was getting was helping - at least that was the hope. At one point, we got the news that a scan showed the tumors had shrunk a bit. That was a very good thing. Things were kept at bay for awhile. I watched him get more tired throughout the experience. I watched as he became a little weaker.
The trips to Houston eventually ended. His experience at MD Anderson was over. I then watched as he was told that there was nothing else to be done. The only offering was the chance to be comfortable at home until the inevitable happened. I don't think anyone is ever prepared to hear that bit of news. There are some things that don't take very long to say and yet they literally have a life altering effect. We knew it was coming. But, one is still never fully prepared.
Once home, quality of life continued to go down. It was hard to watch a guy that is athletic, has a keen mind, is a 'doer', a finder of solutions - one who participates fully in life - deteriorate to someone who can only watch and wait.

Remembering...

Started to tear up at breakfast - not even sure what I was thinking about at the time...Oh wait. It's coming to me. The girls and I were attempting to plan for the next couple of weeks. Maybe we'll get a few festive things in yet. That got me thinking about last year. I remembered that this time last year we were already leaving town every other week-end for Layne to have treatments in Houston. I remembered how I had missed some of the festivities the kids were enjoying here at home. I was grateful others helped out with that - I was also feeling sad about missing out on activities with the kids. I still love to see them enjoy what they're doing and being part of making some of that happen. (As they get older they take on more of the planning themselves.) I remember feeling like I was missing out and the kids were missing me (and Layne, of course.) It seems like it was so long ago.
I realized that this year is so much different. There's no more travel. I'm in town and able to spend time with the kids. (When I make that happen - another post.) We have a different schedule. But mostly, Layne is gone.

Single Scoop

On Monday, I was in Provo and went to the Creamery (BYU Campus) to get some ice cream. We typically go when we're down there and we're able to fit it in the schedule. Layne made sure it was a tradition of sorts for us. I got a single scoop with two flavors - mint brownie and peanut butter trails. (I just had to mention that part so I could remember the flavors...and, because it feels like such an extravagance having two flavors instead of one when it's a 'single' scoop.)
I sat down with my treat - didn't want to drive while I was attempting to eat. I realized I was the only person in there that was sitting by myself. There were a couple of families, a group of friends, and an older couple that I noticed. I felt very much alone. I observed the others that were there and wondered what their observations of me might be. Did they see a grey haired, overweight, single woman eating ice cream all by herself? I'm guessing most of them weren't even aware of my presence. Of course, that was part of the problem. No one noticed I was there.
This was my first experience going there by myself. I had always had some family or friends with me during previous visits. I think that's part of what made my experience such a lonely one. I was missing the company I typically had surrounding me. I was very much missing the kids - and missing Layne even more.

Checking Boxes

Today was the first time I had to check the 'Widowed' box in a form I was filling out. It was a bit odd. I had just spent some time talking with the kids about the term. That was easy. Owning the title is harder. I don't want it. I wish it was a little like the 'fishing' game that is done at kid carnivals - occasionally there's a second attempt in order to exchange toys. I want that option. I want Layne back. I was good with checking the 'Married' box.

Towels and Toothbrushes

10/12/15
We have hung both of our towels on the same rack for years now. A few days after he passed away I took the towel he had been using and put it in the laundry. There was now more room for my towel and it would be able to dry faster that way. I'll wash the towel, put it back in the drawer, and use it some other time. Simple. Done.
A couple of days later, I noticed his toothbrush. Hmm...that will never get used again...I guess I could throw it away. Sounds logical, right? Nope. Didn't happen. I couldn't do it. A toothbrush? I'm sure he was rolling his eyes. I haven't been able to do it since then either. So...his toothbrush will stay right where it is until I'm up for tossing it. It might gather a bit of dust - but, whatever.
It's odd how things seem unpredictable. Logic says one things and the heart says another. I guess that's the way it has been for centuries. I just didn't know how much it included simple household objects like towels and toothbrushes.

Remember

It's been three weeks since I watched Layne take his last breath. Yesterday marked two weeks since his funeral. I had a chance to visit his spot in the cemetery for the first time. I cried. It looked lonely. I felt lonely. I had a sentence come to mind. "This is not where I am." I'm not sure if he felt like that would make it all better. At that moment, I felt like a hug would have made it all better. I just wanted him to hold me - but, I knew he couldn't. I think it was his way of reminding me that he's closer than his casket. I felt it was also his way of sharing his testimony again. He wanted me to remember that he is much more than a body that is still filled with cancer. I think what he would want me to remember most of all is that he believes we are an eternal family and he will still be doing his part to make that happen for us. I love him. I miss him. Every. Day.

Wednesday Co-Op

9/30/15
After church on Sunday I just 'happened' to run into another homeschool mom. She's in a different ward and we really don't get a chance to talk very often. I told her about Layne. She told me about a homeschool co-op that her kids are attending. The details sounded great. There were qualified mothers taking on the whole thing. I would not need to teach anything. I would just be dropping the girls off. The topics sounded like something my daughters would be interested in pursuing. The cost was very minimal - pretty much just contributes to supplies. And, the location is just a couple of minutes away. It was also at a time when we could make it work. I think 'someone' might have been trying to tell me something. The viewing and funeral took up most of Sunday and Monday. I called the gal yesterday (Tuesday) to get to the contact info for one of the moms that was in charge. I emailed her and we got details taken care of right then. I took the girls over to experience their first time in the group. It was good that there were some familiar faces. Although, I think the girls would have managed otherwise as well. So, the girls will now be in a Wednesday morning co-op that will run until the middle of November.
I really felt like Layne was behind this one. I knew he thought it was a good idea to get the kids involved in things like this. I know that's part of the reason I acted on it. I know that's why I was able to have a clear mind as I thought about it and took action. My brain has been a little foggy lately.

So Grateful

I started this post several weeks ago. I just keep thinking of more to add - so I haven't posted it yet. I feel like we are so blessed. There have been so many people who have helped us in so many ways. All of it is appreciated. I have been impressed by the variety of services that have found their way to us. It seems that different individuals have different things to offer. We are grateful for all of them and for all of you.

Thank You Phillip Phillips

I was listening to the previously posted song on YouTube. The following song was this one. I had another Aha Moment. (That really is a term in psychology - your trivial for the day - you're welcome.) Okay, maybe it was just a realization that we're still a team. He's still aware of me. He's still mine.

Musical Messages

This. On the way home from taking the boys to Debate the other day this song came on the radio. It was the first time I paid attention to the lyrics. It felt like Layne's song for me - especially the beginning - I might have been trying not to cry too much - there were tears behind the sunglasses - but, someone had to drive - I didn't catch some of the lyrics at the end. I was already feeling like he was close. I had an experience earlier where I felt like he was speaking to me. There were also other thoughts I had when I was in the temple earlier in the day that helped me to be grateful for him and our commitments. I thought it fit in well with who Layne is...him and his music.

New Voice

Tuesday the 6th...Draper Temple. I dropped the boys off at Debate and was on my way to the temple. I was thinking about a decision that needed to be made with the kids. I was feeling flustered because I now had to make all of the decisions by myself. I was driving along and clearly had the response, "No. You Don't.", as I was making a left hand turn. It caught my attention. It was not what I was used to hearing - not my own thought nor the way inspired insights/personal revelation come to me. It was a different voice - the inflection was different. It didn't take very long to realize it was Layne. I didn't know that could happen. It was obvious to me that he thought it was silly I was thinking I needed to make decisions all by myself - that I thought I was all alone. I was even able to imagine the expression on his face. It was the same and yet very different from our previous conversations. It's good to know I'm not completely alone in this big wide world.

Two Weeks

Today marks two whole weeks since Layne had to leave. In a way it seems like it just happened. In other ways it seems like it has been so very long. I miss him. I don't miss taking care of a loved one 24/7. I miss the guy that would have already gone for a run, prepared for the day, and be at work right now. It would be great if his being gone was just for a brief period of time. But right now, the possibility of several decades doesn't seem very brief. It's probable that our time apart will be longer than the time we had together.

Missing Layne

I'm a little concerned this morning about how to get everything done. I don't know how to be two people. Layne was so helpful. There were things he took care of that I didn't even worry about because I knew he had it covered. There were things that he would see needed to be done and he would just do it. (I remember him hauling laundry up and down two flights of stairs when I was pregnant. He just sort of took over doing the laundry for awhile.) I've decided I don't really like being the one to be in charge of everything. I wasn't looking forward to that part - now I know why - truthfully, I don't think there were any parts of Layne being gone that I looked forward to...

Drawn to Drama

I was just looking at a couple of stats for this blog. It's interesting to me that some of the posts that were the most dramatic are the ones that got the most views. Somehow that's how we humans work. The more a topic pulls at our heart strings - the more we want to know about it. Maybe I'll do some experimenting - although, I have no idea what those 'experiments' would look like. Ideas are brewing. (Time to be done...starting to ramble.)

Funeral Wishes

So...the funeral. I'm hoping it was what Layne wanted. I will remember the chaos in attempting to get ready. I will also remember that all of it would have been much worse without all of the help that was given. There was help for the funeral, help for getting financial items in order, help with missing him and transitioning to a new normal (although, that obviously continues to be a work in progress). We also had some help around the house and lots of other things as well. Thank you to one and all.
I tried to honor what Layne and I had talked about when planning for the funeral and burial. I knew he would be watching.:} I knew he would notice the details - and whether they were 'right' or not. I also knew there were some details that could go any number of ways as far as he was concerned. It makes me smile to think of him being a bit of a micromanager about so many things and remembering that occasionally there were times when he wasn't really concerned about the details. There wasn't much middle ground with him.

Flower Tangent

It's odd to think that just a week ago we had Layne's funeral. Things worked out as needed. At this point, I can't really think of anything I would change. If there were something - it's too late now and I'm not going to worry about it. Oh. I would change how I handled the flowers. The Funeral Director told me how things would work - I just didn't think through the details. (He would have been more than willing to accommodate other options.) There are some flowers that were sent that aren't accounted for at the moment. I feel bad about that. If it was you - let me know so I can at least acknowledge the gesture. Ok. That was a tangent. Maybe I'll write a separate post about the actual funeral.

Time to Remember

Layne's new driver's license came today. I cried. He looks healthy in his picture. The eyes are blue...the cheeks are full and his face has color. I miss him. I'm trying hard to remember the guy in the picture. I keep remembering the guy that had lost so much weight that his eyes were sunken in and his cheeks were angular because of the bones that were so evident. I remember the look of pain. I need to bring back the memory of the look he had in his eye when he was laughing or smiling. I would also be up for remembering his look for me and only me. I'm trying to reach back. It will take some time.

Missing and Remembering

I'm home by myself tonight. The boys are out with friends and the girls are across the street playing with some friends as well. It's quiet here except for the music that I put on for some company. I miss Layne. I'd love to be able to see him again. One more hug. I'm trying hard to remember the guy that was able to hug me. I've been trying to remember the last time we hugged - the specifics aren't coming to me. I'm sure he remembers. He was able to remember just about everything.

Ex.Haus.Ted

I have been exhausted the past while. I don't even know how long it goes back. It seems like all of last month was a blur. Maybe the exhaustion goes back to when Layne started hospice at the beginning of August. The exhaustion might have come from taking care of someone terminally ill while still trying to do my usual tasks and gradually taking on all of the tasks that go along with taking care of a family and running a home. I'm not sure when it started - but, it's still going strong. The last few days my eyelids have felt heavy and I've fought to keep them open. There are times I've lost the battle and sleep just has to happen - no matter what time of day. I've noticed my brain isn't working quiet as well either. It's not like I had a corner on being brilliant in the first place.:} So...if you see someone in a lethargic stupor...it's just me.

One Week

It's odd to think it's been a week since Layne's passing. In some ways it feels so much longer...in some ways it seems like he was just here. There's been so much to do. I feel like we're able to slow down a bit now that the viewing/s and funeral are over. There are still a few things to do. I will be getting some things down each day - just not at the same pace.
I think I mostly need to take time to realize he's gone. I looked at a picture this morning where he was smiling and looking at the camera with his bright blue eyes. I knew that was exactly the way I wanted to remember him. I'll need to take some time and conscious effort so the image of him being so thin, sick, and in pain will be overshadowed by the man that was vibrant and healthy.
I feel like there have already been a couple of 'interventions' by him already. I'm feeling like he will be in the details. Because...let's face it...that's just who he is. I like the idea that he's still doing what he can to take care of us - he's just been 'relocated'.

Obituary

We have Layne's obituary ready for perusal. We'd love to see anyone there that would like to come. We are so grateful for all the support.

Partner In Crime

So after a few moments of feeling lighter and like I could conquer the world - not really - I was feeling that light, confident, and productive. But, I was also still in reality. I thought I was going to be prepared for the day. I wasn't. By the end of the day I was exhausted, frustrated, and feeling defeated. There are things to do, people to work with, and disappointments that come. Reality hits even harder when things get tough and there is no one to lean on at the end of the day.
Taking a moment...
I had to pause for a moment to cry and attempt to recognize if that's what I really meant. There were things that happened yesterday that were hard. I felt the demands and pressure of things needing to get done. There were things that didn't go as smoothly as I hoped or thought they would. I was thinking that the issues of the day were with current details and concerns. I didn't think about the possibility of underlying reasons. Duh. Maybe part of my struggle yesterday was feeling like I was making decisions on my own - even though there were people here to help. (Thankfully!) I have no 'partner in crime' anymore.

There's More

I also realized that in addition to what I mentioned in the previous post, I was feeling uplifted because the kids and I were able to just spend some time being 'us'...we talked, we might have been a little silly, we danced...I miss them. It was good to feel connected for a few minutes. That was part of the happy and light yesterday morning. At the time, the idea of no longer being a caregiver is what I noticed and latched onto - it's what I recognized as a source of relief. It might have been the relief of being able to move on with life. I felt like it was going to be okay. As if I really might be able to manage making decisions and being productive without my companion being right by my side.

Feeling Lighter

Yesterday morning I realized I felt lighter. I felt I could think clearly and I was ready to be productive. I wondered why. That doesn't seem to be something a new widow (That's the first time I've typed that word in reference to myself...odd.) should feel - I don't really believe in 'shoulds' - maybe I just recognized that it might not be typical. I realized a couple of things. One is that a full night's sleep can make a big difference. It had been awhile. When someone needs extra care, it's usually 24/7 - not just when the caregiver happens to be up for the day anyway. So - sleep was one reason. Another reason was worry or maybe anxiety...whatever the proper term is when you're constantly concerned about someone. Yesterday morning was the first time I truly realized how much I had been concerned about Layne, how he was doing, the pain he was feeling, and what I could do to help. There was all of that concern and then I added on the concern about everything that needed to currently be done in addition to taking care of him and how I was ever going to manage everything without Layne in the future. The logistics overwhelmed me. I now have a different set of logistics. They still overwhelm me. But, life continues to move forward. I'll see if I can do better today.

Funeral Details

Viewing: September 27th, Sunday Evening (6-8 pm), Larkin Mortuary - Downtown; 260 East South Temple (SLC)

 

Viewing and Funeral: September 28th, Monday Morning, 9:30 and 11am; LDS Church, 760 North 1200 West (SLC), West Side of Building

(viewing 9:30-10:30; funeral at 11:00)

Please share with any and all who might want to know. One of the topics of conversation with Layne and I in the weeks before his passing were all of the people we have done a terrible job of keeping in contact with over the years. So please feel free to share.

Returning Home (Read previous post first)

After getting the boys to their destination, I headed over to the temple. I was so glad to be there. The anxiety left and I was able to feel some peace while I was there. The feeling didn't last as long as I thought it might. I checked the time when I got out. I was looking to see how much time I had to eat the rest of my apple slices before going to pick up the boys. To my dismay - I was already late. How does that happen? It's so not cool to be late for drop off and pick up. Ugh! I hurried to the van, drove over in anxious mode, and then brought the boys home. As soon as I got home Layne's mom conveyed that Layne had not taken the meds she had tried to give him. She said he didn't seem like he was doing very well and he was asking for me. I went down to see him. I didn't get very far before returning back up the stairs for a different kind of medicine that would help with his breathing. It was obvious immediate help was needed. He was somewhat resistant to taking the medication. I didn't know if it was because he just didn't want it, if he was panicked, or if he just didn't understand what was going on. I tried to calmly let him know that what I was giving him would help his breathing and help him to be more calm. I praised him for any effort. He eventually let me give it to him. I think it was the first time that I put the syringe in his mouth and pushed the liquid in underneath his tongue. Well, that's what we were going for...it didn't really make it under his tongue. While I was giving him the medicine he was trying to tell me something else. I couldn't understand what it was...it was sort of a 'haw' sound. Although, I could tell that the word didn't start with 'ha'. It was more like an 'ho' word. I was asking him if he was hot. Did he want a cool cloth? He seemed to not understand why I wasn't understanding. He was also doing something with his hands. I wasn't sure what that was either. I couldn't tell if he was trying to take the medicine and administer it to himself, or if he was trying to take it away...or maybe he was pointing at something...I didn't know. As I was trying to make sense of it all - I finished giving him the meds and saw a relatively quick improvement in his breathing. This brought some relief for me and for his parents as well. The scary part was over and we'd just have to wait for him to stabilize. I went to do something quickly. I think I just took the syringes back upstairs. I don't think I even cleaned them at the time. I also made sure the girls were on their way to their activity. I came back down and was the only one in the room with him. His mother was coming down. I told him I loved him, stroked his arm, and gave him another kiss on his cheek. His eyes seemed to acknowledge my gesture. I turned to look at his chest to check his breathing. It was still. I touched it while looking for any signs of a pulse. Nothing. Odd how eyes can register one thing and in the time it takes to glance somewhere else...nothing registers. His eyes weren't saying anything anymore. I panicked. It's like I knew he was gone but didn't want to believe it. By this time, his mom was in the room. I know because I almost bumped into her as I headed for the stairs to yell for one of the boys to call the emergency number for the hospice group. "Tell them he's not breathing!" I went back to be by him and felt the tears start to come. I knew it was over. The pain was gone. Thinking back on all of it - I really think that when I was trying to give him the medicine, he was pointing to the side of the room and venturing to say the word, "Home.". He wanted to go home. He wanted to be done. He knew it was time. So...while he was waiting for me to return home he was also waiting for the chance to return home as well. I will forever be grateful that he waited just long enough for me to be there when he left and tell him I loved him.

Out The Door

Yesterday afternoon I had scheduled to take the boys down to their debate league meet up. It's far enough away that I just stay down there while they do their thing. I have been going to the Draper LDS Temple in an attempt to be renewed and use my time wisely. That was my plan for yesterday as well.
Layne was at the point where he didn't really even know what day it was. He had a rough morning. It was the time of day when I needed to be getting ready to go. I told Layne I was going to be heading out soon. He asked me about where I was going, what I was doing, and when I would be back. I answered his questions and tried to explain what was going on. He told me he didn't want me to go. I struggled with that. I was already worried about leaving him and knowing he didn't want me to leave made me more anxious. I was also concerned about the time. It was important to me (and the boys) to get them where they needed to be on time. We no longer had much wiggle room. I needed to either ask Layne's folks to drive the boys so I could stay - or, I needed to get ready and be gone in the next couple of minutes. (I already had one of the boys slicing an apple for me so I could eat something on the way. Have I mentioned lately that we have some pretty cool kids?) I also knew that if I left, I still needed to tell his folks about the meds he needed while I was gone. They also needed to know what to look for and what to do about it. These are not exactly details that can be skimmed through carelessly. So, I dropped to my knees by the side of Layne's hospital bed. I started saying a silent prayer. I didn't get very far when Layne whispered, "Go do what you need to.". He was at the point of not being able to articulate individual sounds very well. His voice's volume was on low. I asked him again - he made his statement again while I focused on listening. I knew that was my answer. He was okay with it. While I was saying good-bye - and that I'd be back in a little while (knowing the time wouldn't mean much to him) - he whispered again, this time he told me, "Have fun.". I was comforted knowing he really was alright with my leaving for awhile so I kissed his forehead and hurried to finish getting ready and give a one (or two) minute primer on meds to his mother. Needless to say...the boys were late.

'No Quitting' Zone

Layne was in quite a bit of pain towards the end. It's a relief to know he's no longer in pain. I know he's much happier. I told him many times that he had the easier part. He just had to be sick and then die. I had the hard part - I had to watch him be sick, die, and then move forward supporting (and raising) a family of five on my own. We...okay...I would joke about that because there were times I was a little jealous that he got to leave and I had to be the one to move forward. I don't envy the pain. I could not have handled it as well. I would not have held on as long. I would have checked out much sooner. Layne did an amazing job of still making an attempt to live a full life as much as he possibly could - he was not a quitter. I will follow his lead.

What's Next?

Layne headed 'home' yesterday afternoon. I'm not sure what to write first. I could start with the few moments surrounding his passing. I could begin with events that have happened since that time. I could go back as far as yesterday morning - or perhaps somewhere within the past week.
Maybe the perfect place to kick things off would be to share how the kids and I are managing.  Others  might want to know what's happening next for our family. Some could be wondering if we need anything - or I could give an account of all those who have done so much for us already. We are grateful. Perhaps a starting point would be to say all of the great things I will miss about Layne - or some of the things I will not miss about being a caregiver. Another possibility would be funeral plans...what will be happening when and where. So many thoughts...so much to write.

Being Present

This week-end. I remember being in Houston last year. It seems odd that a year ago we were just starting to travel to Texas for Layne's treatments. I was thinking about how I missed going to the Women's Session of General Conference with my girls. They had a grandmother here for them. But, I missed going with them and sharing that experience. There are other things I'm remembering missing out on as well with the kids. I'm glad we're in town this year. The traveling got old pretty quickly. I like being with the kids. I want to be present for them. I know they need the support. There are times I still miss out on the fun things my kids get to do because others have been kind enough to take them places and do things with them while I'm here with Layne. I'm glad they're getting to experience things. I just miss experiencing those things with them. I also feel like there are times when I need and want to do more with them and Layne has a more immediate need - or there are other items that need to be taken care of immediately. I need to figure out a way to be more present with the kids.

Birthday Wishes

Tomorrow is Layne's birthday. If you'd like to send a birthday wish - you can just leave a comment. You are also welcome to contact him/us in whichever way you typically would for the occasion as well. Thanks.

Thy Will

I went down to see Layne this morning. He was watching a General Conference talk from April 2015. It was the one by Elder Jorge F. Zeballos of the Seventy, entitled 'If You Will Be Responsible'. I came just in time to hear the fourth point he makes...Willingly Accepting the Father’s Will. The story he uses to illustrate his point is about a young boy whose family has waited to have join their family, goes unconscious, and dies at the age of three. The father of the boy has an attitude of 'thy will be done' as events unfold for their family. I thought of our family and Layne's journey. I find myself in a similar position to the parents in the story - a dearly loved family member, a Heavenly Father that is calling his son home, a choice to make, a commitment to keep...willingly submitting to His plan regardless of our original plan as a couple. It's all about keeping the faith.

Letting Go

I talked with Layne last night about letting go. He needs to feel that it's okay to die. We've had several conversations on the topic. He doesn't want to just give up. He seems to think that if he lets himself die he's not fighting to the end. He has connected that with having faith. In order to show faith - he needs to keep going. I don't agree completely. Faith is important. Yes. I agree with that part. I don't think the only way for him to show faith is to stick around indefinitely. I don't want him to die. What I do want is for him to feel good about the path he has traveled, accept his reality, and feel at peace with completing his mortal experience. 

I know none of this has anything to do with what I want...but, that is what I want for him. Well, I want that mostly for him. I want it partly for me. I don't like watching him feel frustrated with all of the things he's not able to do. I don't want to witness someone I love being in pain anymore. I don't like watching him feel 'stuck' because his body and mind aren't cooperating. What I really want is what's best for him.

Randomness In Our Lives

9/8/15 - Jotted down random thoughts/info...

I'm realizing that I need to be confident in what I'm doing so Layne won't worry. I feel like I need to be strong for him. I don't want him to panic. If I'm not sure about what I'm doing, he won't go along with it. He's not thinking as well as he used to. He's never really liked the idea of me telling him what to do either. So, it's all in the way things are said.

last night - pain - nurse came - up again at 4
10:40, 11:40, 12:40

I returned text to his hospice nurse.

He's groggy this morning. I helped him fill the daily pill container. We talked a little about his intake. And about finances. As I watched him fade in and out - I thought about how we should have recorded more of his memories and messages. By the time we had the technology, he hasn't been up for being recorded very much. There have been a couple of things he said that I'll need to write down.

His testimony. I know God has a plan for us. I know the atonement is real. Keep the commandments and follow the prophet (more to the kids). Sometimes things are hard, but I know the gospel is true and that God has a plan for each of us. He knows us.

I've started keeping a log of meds. There are several to keep track of at this point.

Tricky to be the one to field calls, messages, and visitors along with other things we're doing.

Still Here

So much to write...
I haven't been able to post anything the last couple of days. The days are so full around here that I don't always make the time to write. I'd like to - just doesn't always happen. I have a couple of posts started about different topics - just nothing finished.
I have felt the last couple of days that I should write so people will know that Layne's still alive and fighting. It's as if people are waiting to hear the final news. So, I feel responsible for making sure that communication is there.
I also have people messaging me about what is going on. There are questions about how Layne is doing. There are messages of love and hope. There are queries about how to help. There are people visiting - to offer help, to respond to a request, to show a way they found to help, to see Layne just once more, to say good-bye, to thoughtfully drop something off, to hang on to hope.
I don't think I have ever fielded so many calls, messages, visits, appointments, posts, comments, cards, donations to our cause...in my life. That's all in addition to taking care of Layne, the kids, finances, income, and my health...and everything else. (For example, I don't think I've looked at our garden for days. It's harvesting time, right?:})
I also don't think I have ever had so many urgent categories to deal with in my life - some might not be as urgent as others - but, somehow there are times when everything feels urgent - especially for my executive functioning challenged brain. Priorities, productivity, and me...that's probably a post for another time. (I attempted to do a whole blog about it once. It didn't work. Hmm. Wonder why.)

Caregiver Fails

I went to bed last night thinking I'd actually get some sleep. Layne woke me up at 2am and 3:30am. I was a little cranky about it. Then I realized that both times could have been avoided if I'd just done my job last night. The first time he came in he wanted to know when I'd given him the last set of meds. I hadn't written it down. The second time, he came and asked about his patch (morphine). It was scheduled for a change last night and I went to bed without doing it. Completely forgot.
Must do better. Luckily for both of us, this is not the norm.

Numbers

I've looked at the numbers for this blog. It seems odd that people are actually reading it. Well, not odd that people are reading it - just more people than I thought. Although, it's not like any awards will be handed out anytime soon. There aren't that many people reading it. Thanks for the cyber support and love. Or, maybe it's just the 'curious about what's going to happen next' factor. I don't know. Thanks for stopping by - there are always other things to do with your time. (Oh. Maybe I shouldn't remind you.):}
I have another blog that's more about the everyday stuff around here. Let me know if there's an interest in my sharing that one as well. It's kind of like this one - not many (if any) bells and whistles. I try to carve out time to write. But, it takes more than that to really make an interesting blog. I just haven't done it yet. One of these days...

LDS Cancer Caregivers...Again

I started the LDS Cancer Caregivers page awhile ago on Facebook. I'd love to have people who are interested in being part of the group come join me. I'm not sure I want to directly invite others individually. I don't want people to feel pressured or obligated to join. Cancer seems to be a growing trend. Logically, the numbers of caregivers would seem to be increasing as well. If you know anyone who might be interested, will you pass along the information?

Sleeping Arrangements

I just wrote about having Layne be downstairs and me heading upstairs to sleep. He's some clarification. Hospice delivered a hospital bed awhile ago. It fits downstairs where he's been sleeping for awhile. The room also has his favorite recliner and a futon. He had an air mattress set up before the hospital bed was brought in. So, with all of those options he sleeps downstairs now. His folks also brought a foam mat to put on top of the bed so it's more comfortable for him. His body has no padding these days - that means we get to add padding as we can. He also has a wedge that is leaned up against the shelves that run the length of bed. He uses that as another option in an attempt to sit up during the day. That lets him face the room if he feels the situation calls for it. If not, he'll move the upper portion of the bed in order to sit up or sit in the recliner. They both face the TV.:}

It's been awhile since he's slept upstairs in our bed. He just can't lay flat anymore. It's too painful. He would try to use the big wedge we have (that's now downstairs) as an effort to find a position that worked. He didn't find much success. There has been more success with a hospital bed and meds for pain management.

Not Yet

I slept on the futon for awhile last night. I wasn't ready to say good night and head upstairs yet. There are times I just don't want to leave. I feel like we're supposed to be doing something more while Layne's still around. It feels like we should be doing more to make memories...or say and ask things that we haven't yet. It feels like we're supposed to make an effort to make sure we don't have regrets when he's gone. Maybe I'm just not ready to have him gone yet. Maybe I'm not sure how to cope and make things work without him. Maybe I'm not ready for all the unknowns. Maybe I'm not ready to go it alone. Maybe I have a hard time saying good night because I'm not sure I'll have a chance to say good morning a few hours later. I also have a hard time not knowing if he'll need help during the night.

Working Together

We're attempting to be organized around here. Sort of. We went through a few papers and files today. There are quite a few documents that have to do with Layne's medical happenings. They tell a story in and of themselves. There are details we haven't even gotten to yet that need to be addressed with finances and end of life planning. We're trying to pull ourselves together as much as we can.
Layne gets a little panicked about what he can and can't do these days. He's so used to being independent. He thinks he needs to singlehandedly make sure that the kids and I are taken care of when he's gone. I appreciate the valiant effort - I just don't like seeing him get worked up over it. He's always considered his roles as father, husband, provider, and protector very important. He's worried enough for the both of us about certain things that I just let him take care of it. I have kept myself busy with other things. I determined long ago that it's not worth both of us being anxious about some things. So, I've let him take care of that category since he was doing it anyway.

Today...

I went to the chiropractor this afternoon. While I was there, he was kind enough to let me experience the new message therapy they have at their office. What's better than both of those things? I get to add a take out dinner that is delivered to our door because a thoughtful relative sent it our way...and, cookies baked and brought to our doorstep by some of the Young Women in our ward.
We also just finished recording Layne sharing some of his thoughts, memories, and testimony. It was a bit tender in parts. I miss spending time with just him. I'm glad we did it.

He's Ready

Last time we saw Dr. Garrido, he told us, "a couple weeks - maybe a month.". Today marks four weeks since that was spoken. It's been even more of a 'wait and see' experience than it has been in the past. We don't really know what will be happening when. I do know that Layne is continuing to decline. He is more exhausted and is in more pain. He spends most of his time trying to find a place to be that is not uncomfortable. There are times I wish he would come back. There are times when I know I need to let him go. He's ready.

Explanation of Emotions

In a previous post, I didn't mean to give the impression that I don't get emotional - or won't let myself get emotional. My point in sharing the story was to show how random emotions can (and will) be these days. I chose to focus on the event I mentioned and the people there because I felt that's what the situation needed at the time. It was a happy time - not a time to give homage to someone that just had a happy memory pop into her head about her spouse that will be passing away soon. I'm pretty sure I shed some tears on the drive home.
I will make sure I share examples of experiences when I did cry and other times when I cried even harder. There are days when I make sure I keep a tissue in my pocket because I seem to need one throughout the day. I don't feel like it's something to be embarrassed about...nor do I think denial is a good thing. I'm just taking things one day at a time.

Instagram

I have found that Instagram is the easiest way for me to share pictures. I have done a terrible job of posting pictures here. The lack of pictures is evidence enough - don't need to convince anyone. I take so many pictures that it makes it difficult to sort though them all in order to post the right one. So...I'm going to start doing more pictures on Instagram. I will not be catering to what would go with this blog. You might be stuck with something about the kids or somewhere we went or maybe even something I think looks cool. No guarantees. If you are not already following me, you can send a request to follow here: @tseesbeauty
I love pictures and not having pictures on my blogs is a pet peeve for me. I need to take action. It's on the 'to do' list somewhere - just not close enough to the top.

Getting Emotional

I attended a bridal shower for my niece at the beginning of the month. I almost didn't go - I am naturally very glad I decided to show up. I love her lots! I was able to associate with a great group of women...all relatives to this fabulous soon to be newlywed.
At one point, she was sharing about how she and her fiancé had gone to see the some of the lights around Christmas time. It reminded me of Layne and I when we were first dating and then the first holiday season we were married. We would drive around and look at the lights. I started to feel tears come to my eyes and felt a lump in my throat. I quickly made myself be in control and forced myself not to say anything. I didn't want to ruin the fun moment for her or the other guests.
It seems that lately emotions are closer to the surface than I'm used to them being. I have always been known as 'even tempered'. I've never been overly dramatic about anything...except maybe when I'm doing a 'happy dance' about someone else's good news. I have had a lifetime of practice when it comes to keeping my emotions under control - possibly even hidden. These days - sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't work out so well. We'll see what the future holds.

Saying Good-Bye

I feel like I've been saying good-bye to Layne a little bit at a time. He's not the same guy he used to be. Our relationship has change. I need to adjust. I truly believe that much of life is about finding a new normal. I have a blog about that and that could easily be its own post on this blog.

This is who I've said good-bye to so far:
the worker that provided for our family.
the man I have been intimate with for the past 18 years.
the runner I would anticipate crossing the finish line of a race.
the servant that did whatever he could to help others.
the handyman that took care of the yard and repairs of the house.
the boyfriend I would look forward to going on dates with each week.
the fellow restaurant patron that could taste a favorite dish and replicate it at home.
the tough guy that made me nervous when hearing about mountain biking adventures.
the father that took the time to be with and help his kids.
the brilliant mind that helped to engineer medical devices.
the consumer that was able to find the best deal.
the creative financial problem solver that has kept us out of debt.
the patient that has always been able to take care of his own physical needs.
the friend that loved playing games (board/card) with family, friends, and co-workers.

He still is:
an example to others.
one who shares his testimony.
a fighter.

He always will be:
my eternal companion.

Today's Math

Our nine year old just asked me how old she was she we found out her Dad had cancer. I told her it was three years ago and said that she could probably figure it out from there. Six was the answer that surfaced. She then asked about how much of her life that was...a half? We did some things with fractions and came up with one-third. She has known about his illness and lived with a Dad that has had cancer for 1/3 of her life. One-Third of a lifetime. That seems like a big deal.  

Rest...

"No rest for the wicked and the righteous don't need any." I heard that years ago. I'm not sure where it originated. It comes to my brain these days when I'm feeling tired and sore and Layne needs one more thing - or, someone else needs my help, or just one more thing needs to be done. I'm not sure which category I fall into most days - I just know there are times I feel a bit worn out.
It reminds me of taking care of an infant. There's no beginning or end of the day because the care is constant. There's no official bed time and no alarm is needed in the morning...and life is running at the same pace throughout the day...every day.

So Romantic

From August 2nd...
Layne has always liked to watch a show before heading to bed. It's his way of winding down from the day. Once upon a time, we would snuggle on the couch together while we were watching. Now? Layne is either in his chair or propped up on an air mattress and I am on the futon putting ice on my back. Doesn't get more romantic than that!

Change Of Plans

We went to Huntsman today for Layne to have a stent put in. They did the endoscopy and realized that there was no blockage. We were even given pictures. We obviously left with no stent being placed. In a way, it was a tough blow. Usually it's a good thing to hear that 'nothing' is wrong. It's hard to hear there's no blockage when up until that point every indication logically lead to that conclusion. It's mostly hard to hear when you're thinking that it's going to be a solution to open things up so the body will function better with less pain.
Layne has thought for awhile that the lack of space to the small bowel from the stomach will be what will kill him. He's just believed that because things weren't getting through - and, he didn't want a feeding tube (sounds too invasive at this point) that he would die from dehydration and/or starvation. He's really not getting the calories he needs.
Layne is someone that needs answers. Things have to make sense. He's going a bit stir crazy trying to figure out how he's going to die. He's even asked his oncologist and both doctors that we talked with yesterday about a stent being placed today. The not knowing is a very unsettling to him. Maybe it's anxiety that's going to have the final say.
I posted this and then realized it might be confusing. The fact that there is no obstruction automatically means that something else is going on. The thought now is how to work on motility of the stomach. It seems that the next natural conclusion is something going on with the function of the stomach itself. Nobody really knows. Whatever the issue is, he's not getting the nutrients or the calories he needs. That's obvious from the drastic weight loss and lack of energy. His brain is not quite what it used to be either. So, obviously the issues are still the same - just not because of the suspected cause. It was the idea of the blockage that led him to think that's what would eventually fail him. The shift in thought is to go from the blockage to the stomach - not to get away from the idea of his dying because of the nutrients and hydration needed. That's still a thing...just a different cause than what originally thought. I'm hoping that clarifies a bit. Maybe not. I might just review this tomorrow and figure out a much more concise way of sharing the concept.
Layne's a bit frustrated about the whole thing. At first he was saying it was a waste of time. He felt bad about wasting the time of Dr. Adler and the others that helped out. I tried my best to convince him that the procedure was done because those that just worked on him thought it was a good option. Everyone that looked at the scan and listened to the symptoms Layne shared believed that there must have been a blockage. I had to convince him that they wouldn't have done it if they thought there was no reason for it. We were told after the procedure that with about 95% of patients there is a blockage. At that point I told Layne that he was 'exceptional'. He didn't think it was funny. Hmm...

Sharing Our Story

I keep feeling prompted/driven to share our story. I'm not sure why. I'm sure that years from now it will be apparent - maybe. But, for now I feel like there are so many things to write and share. There are plenty of times I can't write things down fast enough - and, other times when I don't have time or the means to write anything down and I just have to try and remember. I checked the numbers. I have more posts that are published now than drafts. Those are just the posts I've started - that does not include all of the post-it notes and 3x5 cards that are sitting around waiting for me to do something with them. Oh...and all the notes I make on my phone. It's all about progress, right?

LDS Cancer Caregivers

I just started a page on Facebook called LDS Cancer Caregivers. I'm hoping to turn it into a group format where people can share and support can be found. I think it helps to know that someone else has a general idea of what you're experiencing. So, go check it out if you'd like - and, feel free to share with those you think might be interested in joining. I would have just started out with a group. But...you need people for that.:}

Bumps In The Road

While we were driving around yesterday Layne was really feeling all of the bumps. It's painful for him to be jostled around - even over things that typically would go unnoticed. I thought about that and how life is full of bumps in the road. We have scenarios that are uncomfortable and we just have to endure until life smoothes out again. Right now seems like a very bumpy time in our road of life. I'm hoping it smoothes itself out as it needs to in the future.

Check, Check, and Check

Funeral plans in place (with mortuary)

Hospice set up

Cemetery plots chosen and purchased

Time with family

Check possibility of placing stent

Do Procedure?

Enjoy visitors

Finish at work

Game time with former co-workers

401K reassigned

Truck loan done

Say a few good-byes

Recorded some memories

Make more memories

Appreciate service given

A little list of what we've been doing around here. More to come. The list keeps growing. Although, it's good to have a few things done - we know some of the things on the list will roll over to the next one.

Ultimate Marathon

8/3/15

Layne is a runner. This is his ultimate marathon. He's not giving up until he gets to the finish line.

This was written at the beginning of this month when I was thinking about everything that Layne has gone through with this cancer journey. I feel like he has been persistent in staying the course. He has not given up. He has had faith throughout that he would finish strong. I am proud of his efforts and benefit from his example. I would have cried 'uncle' a couple of years ago. But, not Layne - he is one to fight the good fight no matter the personal cost.

Today's Phone Calls

Dr. Garrido called saying that they would be able to put a stent in to support the passage from the stomach to the intestines. It depends on whether he would want to do it or not. Layne doesn't want to do the feeding tube that would be attached to bypass the stomach. If he were to do the procedure, it would mean he could eat - instead of doing just liquids. It also might improve quality of life - but, would probably not extend his life. We get to make so many fun decisions around here.
He also had a call from the company that will be handling his hospice care. I'm not sure what was set up for that. We'll see what the future holds.

Another 'This Week'

There has been so much happening lately that I'll just do a brief overview and get to the details at a later date. It feels like I did that last time as well. There's just not as much time to write as I'd like. Last time I covered last week - this time - I'll do this week. Shocker. So...August 9-15
We've had Layne's folks here, so they started out the week with us. Sunday we had a great family discussion about some of Layne's life. The main topics were all of the jobs he's had through the years and his involvement with music. (We even got out his trumpet.)
Monday wasn't very eventful. I attempted to get a couple of things done. In an effort to take care of myself, I made past due appointments with the dentist and chiropractor. Layne and I did a couple of brief errands and we had our Family Home Evening with Layne's folks here.
Tuesday we had Layne's appointment with his oncologist. We walked out with Layne being put on hospice care. It also meant saying good-bye to the fabulous team that's worked with him for the past several years. Obviously, more about that later. We then headed to take care of some details with the loan on Layne's truck before finishing with another errand. I went to the dentist to pick up and have the fit checked on my new mouth guard. (I could share the story about the original one at another time as well.) I then went to REI to look for some needed shoes - no luck. But, I did find a couple of deals at Savers before heading home. While I was gone he had a couple of friends he had worked with come and talk with him.
Wednesday brought Keri and Jenny (Layne's sisters) here. We were glad to be able to have them here to join their parents. I spent my afternoon at the chiropractor, the grocery store, and filling up the gas tank on the van. I came home just in time to quickly put groceries away and get ready for dinner at Costa Vida. We came home and Layne took the boys to Young Men.
Thursday morning we headed over to the Jordan River Temple for a session with Layne and I, Layne's folks, and his sisters. Great experience. We came back and had Frank, Diane, and Pam (Hunsakers) come for a visit. I didn't talk long - I took Jacob over to meet up with the group he was going backpacking with this week-end and then took the other kids to the zoo (free day through my health insurance).
Today the Williams crew left at 4:30 AM. I've attempted again to get some things done. The girls went to 'free lunch' for one of the last times this summer, went to splash pads with some cousins, and then were home just for a minute before heading to see even more cousins for a 'late over' this evening. Jonny was going to go with a group up to a cabin for an overnight trip - but, decided not to go (when he realized he didn't know anyone there). He went to one of the latest 'Marvel' movies with his Dad instead. (I'm hoping that all works out - I was a little concerned about him driving and I don't know how comfortable a theatre seat is going to be for him for that long.) Jacob is still backpacking and I am home all by myself. So very quiet.
Tomorrow there will be an errand or two - but, nothing too pressing.
It's been great to see relatives this week. It's also been hard to share more good-byes.
This coming week will bring more time with relatives, meeting with someone from the funeral home, and traveling to the cemetery to choose our spots. We're also trying to get some financial details in place. And, Layne has plans to meet up with a couple of friends from work - a few to play some games - and another couple of them for lunch (on a liquid diet?).
As I'm reviewing this (and as I wrote it) I realized that it was more about just what we've been doing instead of focusing on what is going on with Layne. I'm hoping that still works. I know the blog is more focused on what's going on with the cancer. But, this time I just ended up with more random details - the day to day routine.

This Week

Sunday I shared my testimony in church and had a few people kindly comment and offer help...with Layne being in a bit of pain. Monday I took Layne to the Acute Care Clinic at Huntsman. There was also a family that unexpectedly brought dinner to our home while we were gone. On Tuesday, we had a family discussion about what happened at the hospital the day before and what it meant. I also went to a bridal shower for my niece. Wednesday was another appointment at the hospital and Layne doing paperwork, cleaning out his desk, and saying good-bye to the crew he's worked with for the past 4.5 years. (He also made it to Young Men/youth group with the boys.) Thursday we cleaned out a couple of things and Layne's folks arrived to visit for a few days. Friday will be more appointments for the clinical trial he's doing - one of them being a scan. (He'll meet with the oncologist the beginning of next week.)

Pioneers

This morning at breakfast our nine year old randomly commented that it would be hard to be a pioneer. When I asked her why she responded with; "They had to keep going when someone died.". I agreed.
I'm not sure if she was thinking of her Dad or not when she came up with that - but, it sure brought the thought to my mind. We're going to do our best to move forward without our husband and father here with us.

Another ACC Visit

I took Layne to the hospital yesterday (8/3). We were at the Acute Care Clinic at Huntsman. He was in a lot of pain. They did a scan and found that his stomach is distended. The space where the stomach empties has been narrowed by a tumor that is wrapped around it. So, there are two factors involved. The stomach being where it is also makes it hard to breathe. The doctor compared it to being pregnant and not having much room to breathe. He was also having some minor issues with getting dizzy and his heart feeling out of sorts. There was an explanation for that as well. He's now attempting a mostly liquid diet so it'll be easier for the stomach to do it's job and for the contents to pass easier into the intestines. It will just be small amounts throughout the day. I'm hoping something works for him. He's lost 10-12 pounds over the last couple of weeks.
They gave him something for the pain and some fluids. He now has a little different pain management system set up for everyday use.:} We'll see how it goes. I'm not sure I've ever seen him in so much pain.

Coming Soon

"It's coming soon." This is what I heard from Layne this morning as he was getting dressed. I didn't even need to ask what he was talking about. The thoughts in my head lately and the expression on his face somehow connected and I knew exactly what he meant. My eyes teared up a bit (then, and now as I'm writing) as he made comments about feeling weaker and needing to find a burial plot. I don't want to think about life without him and yet we both know that he doesn't have very much longer.
Something happened awhile ago that made me realize the end was near. Since then I've known that we are at the beginning of the end.
It's a little silly that I have been asking questions of Layne for years about planning his funeral and figuring out a burial plot. Oddly enough, he hasn't wanted to discuss the topic or come close to making a decision. He's still not thrilled about it - but, it can't be put off any longer. As with so many other things, now is the time.

Helping Hands

A neighbor/friends came to our house this morning to ask for help with the tire on their vehicle. They had driven about a block. I don't think they thought about Layne not being able to help...or, the fact that the rest of us don't have much knowledge about fixing tires. So, Layne went to instruct and the boys helped with the manpower. I think it's time to learn more about vehicles and how they work.
I'm grateful they asked. There's not much requested of us these days. So, it's good to know someone thought we would be willing to help.

To Do List

So much to do. I think I've said that before - but, seriously...it's true. We just got back from a trip to Nauvoo for a reunion with my family. Layne has not been feeling well. He chose to go anyway. If things continue as they are it will be his last one. He spent a good chunk of time resting in our room. (The room just happened to be perfect for a guy that needed to be close to a bathroom and still have it be quiet in a house full of about twenty or so people. Once the door was closed, we truly couldn't tell that there was even anyone else in the house. We stayed in the Hyrum Smith home. It was perfect for what we needed. A big thank you to the reunion planners, our 'housemates', and my parents.)
Now that we are back we get to catch up on a few things and dig into what needs to be done next. The garden and yard need some work. Then there's the mail, the laundry, and the grocery store. Oh, and all of the messages that didn't get taken care of during the week. (We didn't have any reception while we were there.) There's also the regrouping with the kids. There are always projects to work on, things to do, and places to go. We still need to work on the people to see one.
I have been reminded again today that if something needs to be done around here. I'm the one that gets to be in charge of it. Layne is just not up for more than sitting these days. That...and telling the rest of us what to do. He's always been good at that. We'll know he's truly losing his battle when he chooses to give up on micromanaging.
I have made a list of things to do. Now, if I just had the get up and go...I would get up and go.