Barn Jacket

I wore Layne's barn jacket - that he had when we met - to take the boys over to basketball tonight. Jonny commented about my wearing 'dad's jacket'. I laughed at that. I think I've gotten most of the use out of it. There were a couple of years I just kind of claimed it as my own. It fit and kept me warm and it reminded me of Layne. It still does. Maybe I'll start wearing it more often.
As we were talking about it I remembered when we were dating and I'd be cold. He would graciously offer it to me - saying I looked better in it than he did anyway. I don't think I agree with that. But, it was a warm memory nonetheless.

Getting Emotional

I attended a bridal shower for my niece at the beginning of the month. I almost didn't go - I am naturally very glad I decided to show up. I love her lots! I was able to associate with a great group of women...all relatives to this fabulous soon to be newlywed.
At one point, she was sharing about how she and her fiancé had gone to see the some of the lights around Christmas time. It reminded me of Layne and I when we were first dating and then the first holiday season we were married. We would drive around and look at the lights. I started to feel tears come to my eyes and felt a lump in my throat. I quickly made myself be in control and forced myself not to say anything. I didn't want to ruin the fun moment for her or the other guests.
It seems that lately emotions are closer to the surface than I'm used to them being. I have always been known as 'even tempered'. I've never been overly dramatic about anything...except maybe when I'm doing a 'happy dance' about someone else's good news. I have had a lifetime of practice when it comes to keeping my emotions under control - possibly even hidden. These days - sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't work out so well. We'll see what the future holds.

Always A Runner

Layne got out of bed earlier than I did today. It reminded me of days gone past. He used to be consistent about getting up early enough to exercise before heading over to work (and before that campus). I got used to a guy who considered himself a runner. It was just part of who he used to be. He still has the spirit of a runner in the marathon of life he's engaged in right now. But, the early morning exercise sessions are no more. There are no more plans for the next event. A 5K used to be for the day's workout and a t-shirt. There were also other events that were a bigger deal. He ran the Salt Lake marathon the year before he found out about his cancer. He was scheduled (but never made it) to participate in a Ragnar the day after he was scheduled for his surgery to remove the cancer and part of his colon. He enjoyed some races that were 'triathlons' (in quotes because of the shorter distances - he likes to bike, but never was a fan of figuring out how to breathe while swimming). Since he's been diagnosed, he's been involved in a 5K and a bike race - both done through Huntsman to raise funds for research to fight cancer. He's also been a great help to our boys in encouraging them with their exercising/fitness. He's into making sure the girls are active as well. But, the current scenario is that the boys are working on their personal fitness for scouts. Thus, the reason he is helping with a specific goal of theirs at the moment. He used to exercise with them - modifying what he used to do. He doesn't even do that anymore. These days it's an accomplishment to actually go over to the Rec. Center with them. There are times I've taken them instead and they do the workout on their own. I will always be grateful I had a chance to see Layne in action...to see the fighter cross the finish line.

No 'Win-Win'

There are times it feels like there is no way to 'win' when it comes to traveling to Houston. If I go, I miss out on events with and being there for the kids. I miss being with them and having time together as a family. If I stay, I worry about Layne and how things are going the whole time. I feel selfish for not being there to help and support.
This time I've thought even more about it. There are things happening at home that I would love to be here for this weekend. There's also a greater chance that the scan will show the tumors have grown and he won't be doing chemo anyway. (If that happens - he's done with the clinical trial because the treatment isn't doing it's job anymore.)
I am remembering today that just last week Rachel brought up our missing out on a memorable Halloween event this past fall. That's hard too - I know the kids notice and remember. I will remember not being able to be two places at once and really wishing I could be. Is there some superpower for that? Sign me up.

Real Life Scheduling

Today I have been sad about the realization that we will be missing Megan's birthday, Rachel's first recital, and not being here for the boys on free comic book day. I feel like there are so many things we miss because we're working on trying to get help for Layne. I want to get him what he needs - but, I also want to be there with and for my kids. I feel like I'm missing out. I know some people would call it silly because we homeschool and I see more of my kids than other people might - but, that doesn't mean I'm fine with missing a birthday or a recital. (Free comic book day - I'm more ok with missing that one. The reason I feel bad about that one is because the boys look forward to it every year and sometimes it has been tricky to work it into the schedule. I only feel bad about it because it's important to them. The other things are important to the child and to me.) I want to be there for the kids and what's important to them. I want to be there for the experiences and the memories.
I feel bad about the things that the kids miss out on in order for us to go do what we need to do. I feel bad that they are forced to make sacrifices for something that they have no control over. It wasn't their choice to have their father have cancer.

What Will I Do?

Today is one of those days where things have caught up with me and I just want a few minutes to cry. Yesterday Layne helped to get a large oatmeal container open. It was being opened for the first time and I just wasn't getting it open. I was glad he was around and helped. I asked him what I was going to do when he was gone and then we hugged and moved on with our day. Later in the day I thought the same thing while we were kissing. And, I had the thought this morning too when I smelled some of his clothes. I had smelled one of my own shirts to determine if I needed to toss it in the laundry or not. Then, the thought came to me about others smelling the clothes of a lost loved one or holding a sentimental item. That's how I ended up on Layne's side of the closet smelling his clothes. I didn't expect that I would start to cry. I can't imagine his half of the closet empty...or getting rid of his things. Maybe I'll have something that I keep - just to remember.
This morning I realized I would miss joking around with him and that I would miss his laugh. I will miss the snuggling, the intimacy, and someone to keep me warm at night. I will miss his help with the kids, our family, the income, the home, and the yard. I will miss being part of a couple. I'm not sure what it feels like to be identified as an individual anymore. (No, I don't mean in a 'I'm not whole without him' or 'I don't know who I am' kind of way - it's more of a 'just what I've gotten used to' kind of thing. I don't really remember how to be single and certainly don't know what it's like to be a widow at this point.)
On the other side of the coin, maybe some of my emotions are coming from being the 'not quite as organized as I'd like be' kind of person that makes me panic and just a bit stressed as Christmas approaches and I'm not ready. I'm sure there's more than just thinking about losing my husband that's making me a bit weepy. Although, at the same time - that reason could stand on its own.
Time to go do something happy - or at least something productive. Or, maybe I'll start small and cry before moving on with my day. Because I don't want to leave on a sad note - maybe I could start with appreciating the beautiful day outside. It snowed all day yesterday - so, today we're starting with a layer of beautiful snow, a clear blue sky, and sunshine. I love the chance for a fresh start after a gloomy day.

Saturday Breakfast

The kids have dubbed Layne, "Chef Daddy". It was years ago that they figured out that he can cook and is great at creating new combinations of flavors. It's fun going to a restaurant with him and having him state that he could do something similar at home. The new creation is always a success. He gets excited about new kitchen gadgets.
When we bring food to a potluck, people know that I bring items that work just fine for the occasion. If Layne brings it...there's typically lots of happy sighs and requesting of recipes. I have given up on being the contributor of food for our family reunions. I will think for days about logistics and what will work, finally come up with something that will be sufficient, and start in on the necessary planning. Layne will let the subject stew for a couple of days, mention it at the last minute, throw it together, and the crowd goes wild. If there has been a memorable meal at a reunion...it's been the one Layne has dreamed up (usually). It's not like any of them are worthy of complaint. We have several people that know what they're doing. I'm not one of them. Layne tends to come up with something that can feed a crowd and be a little different at the same time.
Layne likes to cook a real yummy breakfast whenever possible. The best time to work that into the schedule is typically on a Saturday morning. This morning it was French Toast. He used cinnamon swirl bread and egg nog instead of doing the usual. It was the first time our family had tried it. Scrumptious. We also had some fruit and the kids had hot chocolate. (Thanks for the 'machine' G/M!) It was delicious!
I had a very brief..."What do we do when he's gone?" moment while he was flipping the French Toast. The kids know I will never think of such things. We'll have to come up with a new tradition. Maybe that's part of what I'll remember about this morning...tradition. There are certain things that we like to do that don't seem like a big deal at the time, but when variables are changed, we realize they are huge. I will always fondly remember Saturday Morning Breakfast with Layne.

General Conference

Great week-end! I always look forward to General Conference. I'm never disappointed. This time was the first time ever that our whole family watched all four sessions in the same room. Occasionally, we have been in different rooms for multiple reasons. I like to be upstairs, a couple of the kids like to be downstairs because the screen is bigger, the kids will switch around because it seems to give them more to think about, it gives us a chance to 'divide and conquer'. This time, we did have a bigger screen upstairs. (We actually have a flat screen now...I'm sure it's the smallest size possible.) It's an improvement over the tiny screen TV we used to have in the front room. (It's quite probable that it's the size some people use in their vehicles to entertain children sitting in the back.)
So, we now have a larger screen, comfortable couches and kids that can actually sit still the whole time. (Or, at least most of the whole time.) They did a great job. I was so impressed. I don't think any of them even thought about the items that we used to use to entertain them. If they thought about it, no one said anything. Layne thanked them tonight and mentioned a couple of things I used to get out for them. They all said they had forgotten. (I'm going to continue to pretend that they loved it when I did those things. The effort was worth it. Right?) I think the only thing they would have changed is to have candy while they watched. But, they're always looking for an excuse on that one. Candy in the front room? Are you kidding me? They know better. (At least while Mom is watching.)
Jonny went to the Priesthood session for the first time. It was a great experience for him. It was fun to talk with them after they got back. The girls and I had a lovely evening all on our own. The first time...and, luckily not the last. I'm looking forward to having it be a special time just for us. We talked about the conference also. I almost didn't ask. I finally did while they were eating (late, of course). I'm so glad I did. They both talked about what they liked about it, how they felt and all on their own identified that they had felt the Holy Ghost and liked feeling the Spirit. My hope is that we can continue to provide opportunities for them to feel and recognize the Spirit. They will be so much more prepared for what is to come in the future if they can feel confident in their ability to recognize how He speaks to them. Their response will be so much quicker - they will be able to move into action instead of wondering what to do next because they're not sure about what they just felt/thought. I will always remember spending the evening with my girls. (We had other adventures too...like walking to the park, visiting the ducks, talking, having exactly what they wanted for dinner - because they had such a simple request and sharing laughs...and certainly, feeling the Spirit in our home and in ourselves.)
There were some great messages and I truly benefitted from all of the messages and music. Layne asked if there was a 'living with trials' thing going on. I noticed a few talks that spoke about death and losing loved ones...just a couple of tissues on some of those. I love the feeling that's in our home right now. We'll see how long it lasts into tomorrow.