Evening Routine

Tonight we actually did most of our evening routine. The kids got ready for bed, we read scriptures, and prayed. After the kids got in bed, Layne read to them and I sang to the girls and then talked with and prayed with the boys. So nice to have an evening that was life as usual. We're hoping to regroup this week and get back into a somewhat regular routine. It was so great to feel 'normal' for a little bit even though our husband and dad is still not feeling his best.

Beginning to Wonder

I wondered more than once today if we were going to make it through this. Layne feels cold while I'm wondering if the air conditioner is even functioning. He's not able to touch anything cold without some pain...I'm not used to being the only one with access to the fridge. I think we were both a little grouchy about the whole thing. He's also a bit nervous about germs right now. I guess it has something to do with the idea that his immune system is down. Crowds...whatever.
The kids came back today (from Grandma/Grandpa Riding's house) and we got to see my brother Dave and his family. I'm glad we had a chance to see them again before they headed back. I also love our kids. I missed them. (Although, it was a tiny bit refreshing to just have some time with Layne and not have to worry about how the kids were doing while we were at the hospital. Thanks Dad/Mom, Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins that took care of them. They had a great time.)

9 Hour Day

Today was the day! Layne had his port accessed, blood drawn, met with the oncologist, got hooked up to the I.V. and then waited...and waited. (Anyone who knows him...knows that waiting would not be a favorite pastime of his.)
One of Layne's very favorite things to do is ask questions. It was quite apparent today when he asked a couple of questions that had been answered in explanations that had just been given. I think he was a little nervous. There were a couple of times one or two of the staff just started talking with me instead. It was odd to be with Layne and have him not know an answer...especially when it had to do with cancer or anything that involved scientific words with more than 5 syllables. Actually, I was just kind of excited that I actually knew something.
We had several people giving us information and reviewing info with us. It seems everyone has a niche. There's quite a bit to remember. Layne's usually great about talking with all of them and remembering names.
Layne came home with a little bag that he gets to wear through Sunday evening. The drugs will continue to drip in through his port. A nurse will come to our house to flush and disconnect the line to the port.
He says it feels a little bit like having a mild flu. He's not able to deal with cold. Anything he drinks has to be room temperature, he's supposed to wear gloves when moving anything in the fridge/freezer (which really means I get to do it) and his body temperature has taken a turn to the chilly side also. He came home and said it was too cold in our house. He doesn't want to be in the basement because it's too chilly. I had to check if it was the same man I married and have lived with for the last 15 years. Adjustments are being made by all. Time to go.

Thanks Uncle Mike!

The Ranch...The Ranger...The Love of My Life...

Chemo Prep

Layne shaved his head today. He looks as close to bald as possible. He says it feels like sand paper. I think it feels a bit fuzzy. Although, only a little...not enough hair to feel very soft. It's a good thing bald is still a good look for him. We'll see what happens with the chemo...and, if it'll effect his hair or lack thereof.

Logistics

I feel bad about writing a not so happy post and then leaving it there for a few days. I will try to do better. I also plan to actually add some photos and links...you know, kind of like a real blog.
I also acknowledge that I haven't responded to comments that have been made. Thank you for the comments, support and questions. I will attempt to answer when possible. It's great to have comments. It somehow makes it feel like someone out there somewhere is reading.
I will attempt to write a post or two in the next couple of days and then will be gone for a reunion (which we are EXCITED about). After that, Layne has his first chemo and we're going to attempt to start school. We'll see how all of it goes.
I will be committing to writing more often than every week and a half. (Sorry.) I will even throw in some good/happy stuff.
Thanks for reading. And especially, thanks for the support. Love to all!

Warm and Fuzzy

The surgeon (Dr. Sklow) that took out part of Layne's colon is not known for being 'warm and fuzzy'. We had heard that from several people and continue to hear it. I think he's great. I love that he took out all the cancer he could see. I really like that he listens. When I spoke with him after the surgery, it was just the two of us. He waited after asking me if I had any other questions. When I did ask questions, he made sure I understood the answer. He was very much engaged in the conversation. There was no feeling of him being in a hurry or needing to be somewhere more important. He showed me pictures of Layne's colon and surrounding area that he had taken with his ipod. I now know what it's like to see cancer inside someone you love. Kind of cool actually. How many people can say that? You know someone truly wants you to understand when they look you in the eye and ask if you understand what they're saying. I got the message that he knew it would take time to process what I was being told. But, I appreciate that he took the time to talk to me. It's a conversation I feel good about...not because of the content - but, rather in spite of the content. I knew he wasn't able to get emotionally involved in every patient's story and yet I felt a human side of him that came out as I knew he really wanted me to know what was going on and that they really had done all they could. I was given the impression that he truly wanted a cure and that he was determined to have things work out for us.

Schedule Change

Layne was originally going to start chemo yesterday. The new start date is July 27th. We still have a ways to go. More of the waiting game. Maybe we'll have a 'normal' few weeks before then. We have a reunion that we're thrilled about...and will be even better now that we know Layne will not be working with the side effects of chemo.
I was planning to start homeschool again the first week of August. We'll see how that goes...considering it will be the same week we're figuring out how he'll react to the chemo.
I'm glad he's back at work. It's been an adjustment for us. (We had a whole month with him at home.) It'll be a good thing for him to be able to accomplish something there before he takes a week off for chemo.

Mean, Median and Mode

These are things you learn about in Elementary School. Today, they took on a new meaning. Layne talked with the oncologist. One of the things he was able to find out had to do with survival rates. We were told when we met with him last week that survival rate for colon cancer is 20% within the first five years. (It's much better than the 8% we found in a study from 2004. We were hoping the odds were better now. So, that was a good thing.) We were happy to hear that it was better than we'd thought and moved on to another topic. Layne was told this time that the mean for his situation is 20 to 24 months. That seems so much different to me! When five year survival rates are discusses...I think 5 years. I don't think anytime between now and five years from now. Hearing your husband will be around for up to 2 years is much different than hearing five years. I know both eventually come...but, five years seems much further away than two. I spent a good part of the day processing that and having a few tears run down my face to match the rain that was coming down outside.

Rainy Day

We've been pretty dry around here. It's been hot and we've had several fires in the area. Pretty scary stuff. I was a bit nervous about my kids, fireworks and all the dry grass around...especially when I thought about all those that weren't in their homes because the fires were too close.
Rainy summer days are great for getting things done inside and reading cozily with the kids. Layne's been at work. So, it's a great day to regroup and be with just the kids again. It's a also a great day for tears.
Layne had scans taken on Tuesday (7/3). He's been hoping for results. He talked with Dr. Garrido (oncologist) and then gave me a call. He didn't get very far in his conversation with the doctor before his phone had cut out. A bit frustrating for him...considering Dr. Garrido had just said that he did have a minute to answer some questions. Bummer. Our lives are sort of a waiting game, what's another hour or so? He had called me to tell me all about it...that, and they didn't have the result back yet. He shared something that was unexpected, so I was a bit shaken up by it.

Trucks, and Tables, and Chair, Oh My

We participated in a festive flag raising, parade, and breakfast this morning. Layne helped with the extra tables and chairs that were brought into the park to accommodate all of those in attendance. He went home to get his truck in order to return said tables and chairs to the church building they had been borrowed from earlier. When the event was over...he commented about how he was a bit sore around the surgery site. Yikes. I thought about that as I saw him start hefting things, but thought he could monitor himself on this one. He's fine...just reminded that he's still healing.
I've talked with people about how he doesn't seem like someone that has stage 4 colon cancer. He's present, alert and energetic. Most people don't notice a difference. I guess that's a good thing...except when he needs someone else to tell him he shouldn't be lifting. It's great that he can still be involved with so many things. It would be a different scenario for us if he was feeling sick and wasn't able to do things he'd like to do. He's got a ways to go before he's back to running. But, at the same time, we're grateful he's able to do most everyday kinds of activities.
The day was great! We did plenty of celebrating. Although, it wasn't quite as festive when we put a new set of drawers together for the boys' room. (Luckily, no lifting was involved.) It was a big project and Layne got a little flustered. The boys also had a friend over and we 'made' him help too.:} It's funny to me how for the most part...friends come to visit and they don't want to leave. Poor guy. Maybe we'll try to have it be more enjoyable another time. Or not...nothing says 'welcome to our home', like making someone join in the work project, right?
The other scheduled event is a BBQ and fireworks with friends. Happy 4th!

Tumor Team

The Tumor Team met today. Layne called to let me know that after their discussion, the decision was made to go ahead with the 'classic' chemo. We had a brief conversation when he called, but he seemed to feel alright with it. We're not exactly looking forward to it...but, needing any kind of treatment is not exactly thrilling in the first place. We'll see how things go.

Strike A Pose

We had family pictures taken this morning at Wheeler Farm. A friend from our 'student housing at the 'U' days' took them for us. We are so grateful for her time! She's in the middle of a move (from AZ to OR) and just happened to be in the state. She was great...even though there were times my kids couldn't figure out how to make the natural smile happen. I knew it was a struggle, because I see them smile on a daily basis. What they were producing wasn't quite what I'm used to seeing. Apparently, none of them will be working for Abercrombie and Fitch anytime soon. (Good thing!)
I loved that we were outside for them! The weather cooperated nicely. And, so did the kids. I have a hard time with the whole coordinating outfits thing, so hopefully we look more like we mesh than clash.
At one point, pictures were being taken of the kids with their dad. The thought came that this could be our last set of family photos. I quickly pushed that aside and enjoyed the rest of the time with the family. I was so grateful we had the opportunity to get some 'real' pictures taken. Although, I shed just a tear or two when we were done. It was important to Layne and me to get some pictures taken before treatment was started. I'm delighted that we did. I'm glad miracles happen and a talented friend was able to help with what Heavenly Father knew was important to us.

New Normal

Layne returned to work today. It sounds like it should be 'life as usual', right? Maybe it's our 'new normal'. Today we are getting ready for pictures that will being taken tomorrow. (Thanks Becky!) There's a national holiday on Wednesday. Layne has an appointment tomorrow and a couple of them on Thursday. Somewhere in there we'll hear results of the meeting that will be happening tomorrow. At one point, there was a plan to start chemo on Friday. It's not exactly how we used to spend our weeks. It used to be...Layne went to work (which he actually likes), the kids and I would 'do school' and spend time together, and then we'd connect again in the evening. There weren't appointments, more waiting and lots of paperwork. There have been other times in our lives when we've found a 'new normal'. Things such as moving or adding another child to our family...then there was the adjustment of when we were first married. It seems big topics get to have the title of 'new normal' instead of just the occasional schedule adjustment. It's a life adjustment. One of the things that's important to us, is helping the kids feel like life is still good and they are loved. We don't want them to get lost in all of this. And, as Layne has frequently stated, 'I'm not dead yet.'. (He's come up with lots of 'funny' comments lately.) We move forward with faith and excitement for the life that we do get to have together.

...and Slow

What does 'slow' have to do with all of this? The whole waiting game is a big piece of the puzzle for us. Layne has mentioned that maybe it's because he needs to learn more patience and this is the way Heavenly Father has chosen to do it.
It seems there's a longer wait than expected for just about every step of the process. And, the process seems to be a long one. It's been a couple of months since Layne first had the colonoscopy and we were told that he had colon cancer. It was another month before it was removed, and now another month has passed and we might be close to determining treatment. I'm hoping that's not the case for everyone. In between all of that has been waiting for the results of different tests.
We are currently waiting to know what is discussed/decided tomorrow when the Tumor Team meets. I'm doing my best to have faith that they will be inspired.

Fast...

We are so grateful for all who fasted for us yesterday. I'm touched by all of the ward members who came to start the fast with us. We met Sunday evening in the Relief Society room at church. It was full. The doors in the back were open. I still need to list all of the people who came. We feel very fortunate to be part of such a loving ward.

Layne got up and mentioned a few things about the scenario, answered some questions and then our Bishop said the prayer. We also did hymns and a prayer before and after. I was a bit weepy. Although, I don't think it was as bad as the 'ugly cry' I've heard mentioned by on 'Oprah'. (Nope, not really a fan...randomly watched a few years ago...it's what was on while I was nursing a child.)
We feel humbled that so many people were fasting/praying for us. We are completely aware that so many others have huge things going on in their own lives. It meant so much to us to have others be aware of us and do what they could to help. I've said it so many times...but, we truly do feel the support from others...both near and far.

Another thing about the fast that has touched me were several of the children involved. I love their sweet spirits and their evident faith. I've received messages from friends/relatives about the kids in their homes that fasted for us...maybe for the first time. I also experienced a strong feeling of support during Primary when one of the lovely gals said the prayer and petitioned her faith for 'Brother Williams'. I think my eyes are watering again as I write that. I just remember feeling overwhelmed by all of the support we've felt from others. We appreciate all who fasted and prayed for us...both young and old.