One of the biggest reasons I was bawling while listening to this song earlier today was because of an experience I had this past summer while we were in Nauvoo, IL. We were there for a family reunion and some of us had gone to a show that included this song. The show was about families and how things continue on through time. As you can imagine...I was already feeling tender about the whole thing. Then it happened. The performer on the stage was singing this song as he always had and I heard the words, "You need to let him go.". I immediately grabbed one of the two tissues that was already useless by this time. Right then I knew there would be no miraculous healing. Layne would be leaving us and it was going to happen seemingly sooner rather than later. That might have been enough for the waterworks - but, then I started to wonder if there were things I was doing or saying that made it so my husband felt like he couldn't give in to the cancer and be done. Was I holding him back? Everyone knows he's a fighter. But, did I have anything to do with his need to stay even longer? So many questions. I didn't want to be the one causing more pain than he was already experiencing. I had to just give in and let go - completely. I had to be okay with it. I had to do more than just say, "If you're going to take him - it'll be alright.". I was required to give him up - to put him on the alter so to speak. It was a real test.
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Showing posts with label Questions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Questions. Show all posts
Friday, November 13, 2015
Bring Him Home
This song. I have been thinking about this one lately. There are several reasons. I was reminded this past week about the great experience I had to see this performed live. Anything from Les Mis also reminds me of the opportunities I had to see my sister perform (Eponine) when she traveled with the show. Of course - there's also the question - who doesn't love Les Mis and this song?
One of the biggest reasons I was bawling while listening to this song earlier today was because of an experience I had this past summer while we were in Nauvoo, IL. We were there for a family reunion and some of us had gone to a show that included this song. The show was about families and how things continue on through time. As you can imagine...I was already feeling tender about the whole thing. Then it happened. The performer on the stage was singing this song as he always had and I heard the words, "You need to let him go.". I immediately grabbed one of the two tissues that was already useless by this time. Right then I knew there would be no miraculous healing. Layne would be leaving us and it was going to happen seemingly sooner rather than later. That might have been enough for the waterworks - but, then I started to wonder if there were things I was doing or saying that made it so my husband felt like he couldn't give in to the cancer and be done. Was I holding him back? Everyone knows he's a fighter. But, did I have anything to do with his need to stay even longer? So many questions. I didn't want to be the one causing more pain than he was already experiencing. I had to just give in and let go - completely. I had to be okay with it. I had to do more than just say, "If you're going to take him - it'll be alright.". I was required to give him up - to put him on the alter so to speak. It was a real test.
One of the biggest reasons I was bawling while listening to this song earlier today was because of an experience I had this past summer while we were in Nauvoo, IL. We were there for a family reunion and some of us had gone to a show that included this song. The show was about families and how things continue on through time. As you can imagine...I was already feeling tender about the whole thing. Then it happened. The performer on the stage was singing this song as he always had and I heard the words, "You need to let him go.". I immediately grabbed one of the two tissues that was already useless by this time. Right then I knew there would be no miraculous healing. Layne would be leaving us and it was going to happen seemingly sooner rather than later. That might have been enough for the waterworks - but, then I started to wonder if there were things I was doing or saying that made it so my husband felt like he couldn't give in to the cancer and be done. Was I holding him back? Everyone knows he's a fighter. But, did I have anything to do with his need to stay even longer? So many questions. I didn't want to be the one causing more pain than he was already experiencing. I had to just give in and let go - completely. I had to be okay with it. I had to do more than just say, "If you're going to take him - it'll be alright.". I was required to give him up - to put him on the alter so to speak. It was a real test.
Friday, July 27, 2012
9 Hour Day
Today was the day! Layne had his port accessed, blood drawn, met with the oncologist, got hooked up to the I.V. and then waited...and waited. (Anyone who knows him...knows that waiting would not be a favorite pastime of his.)
One of Layne's very favorite things to do is ask questions. It was quite apparent today when he asked a couple of questions that had been answered in explanations that had just been given. I think he was a little nervous. There were a couple of times one or two of the staff just started talking with me instead. It was odd to be with Layne and have him not know an answer...especially when it had to do with cancer or anything that involved scientific words with more than 5 syllables. Actually, I was just kind of excited that I actually knew something.
We had several people giving us information and reviewing info with us. It seems everyone has a niche. There's quite a bit to remember. Layne's usually great about talking with all of them and remembering names.
Layne came home with a little bag that he gets to wear through Sunday evening. The drugs will continue to drip in through his port. A nurse will come to our house to flush and disconnect the line to the port.
He says it feels a little bit like having a mild flu. He's not able to deal with cold. Anything he drinks has to be room temperature, he's supposed to wear gloves when moving anything in the fridge/freezer (which really means I get to do it) and his body temperature has taken a turn to the chilly side also. He came home and said it was too cold in our house. He doesn't want to be in the basement because it's too chilly. I had to check if it was the same man I married and have lived with for the last 15 years. Adjustments are being made by all. Time to go.
One of Layne's very favorite things to do is ask questions. It was quite apparent today when he asked a couple of questions that had been answered in explanations that had just been given. I think he was a little nervous. There were a couple of times one or two of the staff just started talking with me instead. It was odd to be with Layne and have him not know an answer...especially when it had to do with cancer or anything that involved scientific words with more than 5 syllables. Actually, I was just kind of excited that I actually knew something.
We had several people giving us information and reviewing info with us. It seems everyone has a niche. There's quite a bit to remember. Layne's usually great about talking with all of them and remembering names.
Layne came home with a little bag that he gets to wear through Sunday evening. The drugs will continue to drip in through his port. A nurse will come to our house to flush and disconnect the line to the port.
He says it feels a little bit like having a mild flu. He's not able to deal with cold. Anything he drinks has to be room temperature, he's supposed to wear gloves when moving anything in the fridge/freezer (which really means I get to do it) and his body temperature has taken a turn to the chilly side also. He came home and said it was too cold in our house. He doesn't want to be in the basement because it's too chilly. I had to check if it was the same man I married and have lived with for the last 15 years. Adjustments are being made by all. Time to go.
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