Saturday Breakfast

The kids have dubbed Layne, "Chef Daddy". It was years ago that they figured out that he can cook and is great at creating new combinations of flavors. It's fun going to a restaurant with him and having him state that he could do something similar at home. The new creation is always a success. He gets excited about new kitchen gadgets.
When we bring food to a potluck, people know that I bring items that work just fine for the occasion. If Layne brings it...there's typically lots of happy sighs and requesting of recipes. I have given up on being the contributor of food for our family reunions. I will think for days about logistics and what will work, finally come up with something that will be sufficient, and start in on the necessary planning. Layne will let the subject stew for a couple of days, mention it at the last minute, throw it together, and the crowd goes wild. If there has been a memorable meal at a reunion...it's been the one Layne has dreamed up (usually). It's not like any of them are worthy of complaint. We have several people that know what they're doing. I'm not one of them. Layne tends to come up with something that can feed a crowd and be a little different at the same time.
Layne likes to cook a real yummy breakfast whenever possible. The best time to work that into the schedule is typically on a Saturday morning. This morning it was French Toast. He used cinnamon swirl bread and egg nog instead of doing the usual. It was the first time our family had tried it. Scrumptious. We also had some fruit and the kids had hot chocolate. (Thanks for the 'machine' G/M!) It was delicious!
I had a very brief..."What do we do when he's gone?" moment while he was flipping the French Toast. The kids know I will never think of such things. We'll have to come up with a new tradition. Maybe that's part of what I'll remember about this morning...tradition. There are certain things that we like to do that don't seem like a big deal at the time, but when variables are changed, we realize they are huge. I will always fondly remember Saturday Morning Breakfast with Layne.

So Much...

I have many topics running around in my head. Some are about cancer and Layne, some are about our kids and homeschooling, some are about what we are grateful for these days, some are about the purpose of the Christmas season, some are about the latest family happenings, and some are just about logistics for tomorrow. I'm sure I could go on...but, that would be a bit boring.
We've been truly blessed. We are so grateful for all who keep us in their thoughts and prayers. We are humbled by those who serve us. This has been a different holiday season for us. I'm behind on plans. We haven't participated in all of the events that we were originally thinking to this year. But, at the same time, there is a peace in our home that comes from attempting to be close to the Savior. Or maybe it's just that He's trying to tell us something. I think that something would be that somehow, it will be OK...and that's all we need to know. We would drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out how things will work out. So, we don't. Time will tell. In the meantime, we are enjoying this precious season. There is so much to be grateful for each day.
So...Merry Christmas to all...and to all a good night.

12 Days of Christmas

We had a small Christmas tree delivered to our doorstep tonight. It was decked out with pears and a partridge on the top (along with other festive items). It's a mystery as to who left it there, but we are grateful. I first wondered why someone had thought of us. We are used to being on the other end of the seasonal fun. (Yes, I still have yet to purchase the 'sub for santa' gift I committed to...better get on that.) Then I remembered, 'Oh ya, my husband has cancer; I guess someone thought we could use some Christmas cheer.'. So, here we are with a tangible piece of evidence that someone was kind enough to think of us. Thank you!

Schedule, Shmedule...

We have had several adjustments to the schedule for this week. At one point, Layne was going to meet with the oncologist and have an infusion on the same day. He's usually one of the first appointments in the day and we get still get home at a decent time. This time he was scheduled for late morning and with the chemo change, there wouldn't be time to do it all in one day. So, he was going to do labs and meet with the oncologist today and then get the infusion tomorrow. That was a little change of plans. Now we're onto another change of plans. Huntsman hasn't received the current info (scan, etc) from MD Anderson...so, the appointments were postponed. After pinning down the actual time of package delivery, Thursday is now the day we'll do it all...starting early and ending late. (FedEx is still on schedule...we're just anxious to move forward.)
We're realizing with this whole thing that plans are constantly changing. It makes it difficult to schedule when we don't have a guarantee of when things are happening or how Layne will feel after the chemo. So, we just keep moving forward. I'm glad something is scheduled...for now. It'll be over a month since he's had any chemo at all. So, we'll see how things go with the new chemo and rather we can keep a consistent schedule.

Christmas Wish

Layne and I were working on gifts for the kids. He asked me what I wanted. I couldn't think of a thing. I finally just told him that the best gift would be a husband that's cancer free. Here's hoping for a Christmas miracle...

Results from Houston visit

The trip to Houston was good.  I enjoyed meeting some new friends, loved the Texas BBQ, and the weather sure beats Salt Lake City in December.

The oncologists at MD Anderson told me they are not sure yet whether I am a candidate for HIPEC.  They had two concerns that would need to be addressed before I could receive the treatment.  One is that they don't think my current chemotherapy is working, and HIPEC would not be effective without a chemo treatment that stops the cancer.  The other concern was that I may have cancer near my bladder in a place where they could not surgically remove it, again making the HIPEC ineffective.  I think Teresa mentioned these things in her recent posts.

Anyway, I will meet with my oncologist here in Salt Lake on Tuesday and do a session of chemo on Wednesday.  I think the plan is try another kind of chemo, and then follow up with scans again in a few months to see how things are working. 

Layne

Temple Experience

I wrote a bit about going to the temple on Tuesday. I failed to mention that afterward I spent some time in the Celestial Room...thinking, praying, crying...repeat.
While I was there, I also went to one of the sealing rooms and thought about the day Layne and I got married. It brought a fresh set of tears...especially when I looked into the mirrors that are on either side of the room. They make it look as if life just keeps going. I guess it does...from one generation to the next...both past and future.
I also thought about other times we had been in sealing rooms since then. All tender memories. While there, I looked into the mirror, through the open doors, and saw the celestial room. I thought of times Layne and I had sat and talked, prayed and cried together. Again, more tender memories.
I'm so thankful for the temple and the blessings that can come from attending. I love the feeling there. I also love knowing what the commitments mean that we make there - and, the opportunity we've had to make them.
I will stop with the posts for now...I'm starting to repeat myself. (That, and the kids are getting a bit crazy.)

Grief

I read a book earlier this week by Anita Stansfield. (I won't share the title - that way the plot isn't ruined for you if it's one you are planning on reading.) Anyway. In the book, there's a man (husband/father) that has cancer. One of the points that is discussed among family members is that when you know someone has a terminal illness much of the grief (of being separated) from that person is felt and dealt with before they die. It gives you more time to work through the grief and plan for the person to be gone. In a way, you're more prepared. Another point brought up in the book was the idea that death was not feared, but it's the separation from loved ones that we're hesitant to deal with in our lives. Yes, I had a box of tissues close by while reading a novel about a husband and father dying of cancer.
I already knew these things, but hadn't really put a name to them. I'm actually glad that we get to know before he leaves that Layne is going to be gone. It would be so hard to work through everything all at once. The kids and I would have to get used to the idea of him being gone and work through the logistics all at the same time. This way, at least we can be as prepared as possible and be able to move on quicker. The hard part is still working through it. I feel like that's much of what we're doing now. Like today, I feel grief. It comes and goes. For me, it's more obvious when we've just found out another bend in the road we're on. I keep hoping that the road will just stop having so many bends in it. That it will be obvious as to what we need to do, that we'll be able to do it and at the end of all that we'll be able to move on with our lives together. Instead, we seem to have the winding road that doesn't end. In either case, I think Heavenly Father is asking for our faith. And really...it's the only thing that will help right now. I cannot imagine experiencing all of this without knowing about a greater plan. I would be an even bigger mess if I thought we'd never see Layne again.
Layne and I have talked about this and he says he's not afraid to die. He does feel anxious about leaving because he feels a great responsibility in taking care of our family. He also doesn't like the idea of being separated for awhile. But, it just might be how life goes.
We're learning more and more that life is fragile and we never really know the timing God has for our lives.

Focus, Focus, Focus

I haven't been very focused today. I feel bad about that because I wasn't well yesterday. I haven't accomplished as much as needed this week. I was hoping that since yesterday was not productive, I would be able to plow through some things today. It hasn't happened yet. 

We had planned on meeting with some other homeschool families today to make some Christmas cards and winter decor (snowflakes). I was looking forward to it. But, somehow didn't feel like going after talking to Layne. I realized that wasn't fair to the kids. It also doesn't make sense to sit around and sulk. So, I told them about Layne and later asked their opinion of attending the festive outing. (It's geared toward the older kids and the younger kids get the benefit of having friends to associate with for an afternoon.) The decision was made to skip it this week and possibly make some cards on our own out of the materials we have here. I was glad I made them part of the decision. Other times, I'll just announce we're going when it comes to things like that and they always end up being glad we went. But, today I didn't have the energy to convince children that what they were about to do was going to be fun and exciting...even though my opinion was that it was going to be fantastic. I'm sure those who went had a fabulous time and came away with some cool creations.

The Saga Continues

It would be really great if we could just be done with cancer and move on with our lives...but, even as I type that - I know that being done with the cancer ultimately means that Layne is gone. I don't want that either. I'm so grateful for the time we've been able to spend together the last few months.
Having said that, I got a call from Layne this morning that I just can't get out of my head. Facts we were fairly certain of were confirmed. The chemo he's been doing is not working. There are new growths since all visible growths were removed during his surgery.
The scan that was done this week, shows a mass located in a spot where surgical removal would be tricky...too many blood vessels surrounding the tumor. They informed us that the next step would be to go in and check the site to answer a couple of questions. Is there an actual tumor there? And, could it be removed successfully? If the answer is no to the second question, there will be no HIPEC for Layne.
The other factor is finding a chemo that works for him. His oncologist was going to change his treatment starting the next round anyway. So, we'll see what happens there. They suggested to schedule the procedure (to check on the random tumor) for this coming Tuesday. He thought to stay in Houston and get the procedure done so we would know one of the pieces to the puzzle. The chemo would need to wait for at least three weeks in order for him to be able to heal and then handle the new chemo. That would mean almost two months between chemo treatments.
While we were discussing options, it came to my mind that time was a factor. (My chin started to quiver.) We need to do what will give us answers in the least amount of time. So, we're going to go with him returning to keep the chemo appointment he has early in the upcoming week. That way, we can work on whether the chemo works or not. The chemo treatments need to be finished before he does HIPEC anyway (if at all). That way, if we find the chemo is working, he'll go back the MD Anderson and have the procedure done. We'll be able to get going on the chemo instead of waiting for the healing time of the procedure.
As I was talking with Layne, I really felt the impact of the time factor. Not only did I know we needed to have the timing be one of the factors to consider while deciding what to do, I also was very aware of the idea that we might be separated sooner than we've been thinking. We keep thinking Layne has some time left...although, we don't know how much. But, today I had the real feeling that our time is shorter than we think.

Knowledge is Power

I went to the temple today. I knew Layne was going to be in the Houston temple this afternoon, so I planned on being in the temple here around the same time. I was even really sappy and wore a dress I know he likes along with a scarf he bought for me while on a business trip to Germany.
I'm glad I went. It had been too long. I sat and enjoyed the peace at the end for awhile. I even had someone come up and hug me while I was weeping a bit. It made me grateful for all of those who want the best for us, those who are praying for us and offer to help in any way they can. That made me a little more weepy.
I was also thinking about the idea that part of the grieving that's done when you know a loved one is going to die is done before they go. I'm glad in a way. If my spouse is going to die young, I'd rather know and prepare than be shocked, grieving and attempting to figure out the future all at the same time. This way, if there are logistics that aren't in place...it's my own fault. (Maybe more should be done about that right NOW.) There won't be too much shock because I will be expecting it at some point. And, some of the grieving will have already happened, right? What a great plan. I think I still might be a bit of a mess for the first little while.
I'm grateful for the times we've had to spend time together as a family. I want the kids to have good memories of their dad and know that he tried to be a good father for them while he was around. I want them to have a desire for our family to be together again.

HIPEC Assessment

This was written previously. It's the post I referred to on the November 20th post. I was going to share more background information...but, Layne's post gives explanation and this is just more of my reaction to it.
Layne found out today that he is scheduled for a HIPEC assessment the first week of December. You might be asking, 'What is HIPEC and why is it being considered?'. It was something that was discussed when treatment was first being determined. It was decided against because it is invasive and it's not nationally approved. They only do the tried and true approved treatment at Huntsman. The results of the last scan that was done means that Layne may or may not have some new masses growing. It was suggested that HIPEC be looked into again. The doctor knows someone in Houston that does it. All I know is that it scares me. I'm not sure it guarantees much, it's hard on the body, is expensive (not sure insurance will cover it) and takes awhile to recover. I grieved all over again today about him dying and what that means for me, our family and the future. The girls have asked me several times tonight if I'm alright. The boys/Layne are gone scuba diving. (Layne's going as an 'adult on the surface'.)
There are times I try not to think about what is going to eventually happen and it's been awhile since it hit me hard. Tonight was just one of those times.
Layne doesn't seem to be a bit concerned. He thinks it's available...so why not try it? It seems to be the scientist in him.

Houston

So on October 25th my oncologist had me do another CT scan to see how things were progressing with my chemotherapy.  He said they found two potential tumors in my abdomen, that may or may not have been there since the the last scan in July.  The tumor board met regarding my case again, and although they don't agree with the procedure, decided it would be wise to refer me to a center where they do HIPEC (Hyperthermic Intraperitoneal Chemotherapy).  You can look for information about it online, but basically they open your abdomen, root around for tumors to remove, and then slosh hot chemotherapy drugs around inside the abdomen to kill anything they can't remove.  It is very invasive and they are highly selective about the patients on which they perform the procedure.  But they also have very good outcomes for the patients that receive HIPEC.

I will be traveling to Houston on Monday to visit MD Anderson Cancer Center to see if I am a candidate for this procedure.  I did not receive any chemotherapy yesterday in preparation for this visit, and the rest of my chemotherapy treatments depend on what they decide.  If they say I am a candidate for HIPEC, then I will be doing whatever they say to prepare and my current chemotherapy may end.  If I am not a candidate, then my oncologist said he probably will change my treatments slightly from FOLFOX to FOLFIRI and Avastin.

Hopefully the doctors at MD Anderson will have an answer for me by the end of my visit next week.  Teresa and I will let you know when we find out.

Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers.

Layne

Reality Is...

I don't often think about the future without Layne. It's not an everyday realization. It would probably be too depressing if I were to focus on it. I just did a post about the most current happenings. And truthfully, today is one of those days that reality has struck. It's been a bit sobering and a little tearful.

There are times I think it would be nice to just be done...to just have things work out like I think they should and then be done with cancer. It seems that each step of the way, there has been a twist in the story for us. I'm beginning to not appreciate it (to say the least).

(I will need to post what I wrote earlier at a later date, considering some background is required for it to make more sense. I just decided to write it while it was fresh. I have to start somewhere, right?)

Grateful for Little Things

Who was the crazy person that thought I could update a blog while diving into the holiday season? I wasn't getting it done before and now that life seems to feel a little busier...I'll just do one more thing...consistently.
Layne made Mazurka Bars today. I just did a taste test. They passed. I started to think again about who is going to make great stuff for us in the kitchen if Layne isn't able to do it. We would be without homemade hummus, guac., salsa and most currently bread. This doesn't sound very appealing to me.
Oh, and I'm also now remembering that I was thinking similar thoughts when Layne was showing me how to turn off the outside water (and do various other things) in order to be ready for winter. Our timing happened to be great because a day or two later we had snow...for three days straight.
I'm very grateful for all he does around here. He has taken on the task of the family laundry since he's been home too. Love that one! Today it was me out with the kids raking leaves while he was inside doing something that didn't take much energy. It's usually him doing those kinds of things, at least on a Saturday.

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow

It's been snowing for the last couple of days. The kids are out playing in it right now. It's kind of fun because it's early enough in the season that it's still a novelty. Even so, can't help but think of sunny Hawaii before winter is over.

Update?

Yes, we need an update! Here's a list of eventual posts.

Half Way Done!!

#7 Complete

The Saga Continues (Scan)

HiPec

Changes in Treatments

Layne at Home

Finances

Doctor

Homeschool

One thing after another...after another

There's more? (Reflux)

Not Sure About #8

Schedule???
Huntsman Hospital

Life Moves Forward

A.P.A.P.

Need to Write

I'm sure there are other items...just going off the top of my head right now.

I just found the list I jotted down a week ago. In addition to the items above, here are a few more. (I'll have to remember (eventually) what some of them meant. (So great to be old.)

How Layne's Feeling
Garage/Coat Hooks
FHE Talks
Holidays
General Conference Messages (Death)
Priesthood
Who Will? (Yard, Organize, Food, Explain to Kids)
Organize
Testimony
Library
Learn
Layne/Laundry
Family Together

General Conference

Great week-end! I always look forward to General Conference. I'm never disappointed. This time was the first time ever that our whole family watched all four sessions in the same room. Occasionally, we have been in different rooms for multiple reasons. I like to be upstairs, a couple of the kids like to be downstairs because the screen is bigger, the kids will switch around because it seems to give them more to think about, it gives us a chance to 'divide and conquer'. This time, we did have a bigger screen upstairs. (We actually have a flat screen now...I'm sure it's the smallest size possible.) It's an improvement over the tiny screen TV we used to have in the front room. (It's quite probable that it's the size some people use in their vehicles to entertain children sitting in the back.)
So, we now have a larger screen, comfortable couches and kids that can actually sit still the whole time. (Or, at least most of the whole time.) They did a great job. I was so impressed. I don't think any of them even thought about the items that we used to use to entertain them. If they thought about it, no one said anything. Layne thanked them tonight and mentioned a couple of things I used to get out for them. They all said they had forgotten. (I'm going to continue to pretend that they loved it when I did those things. The effort was worth it. Right?) I think the only thing they would have changed is to have candy while they watched. But, they're always looking for an excuse on that one. Candy in the front room? Are you kidding me? They know better. (At least while Mom is watching.)
Jonny went to the Priesthood session for the first time. It was a great experience for him. It was fun to talk with them after they got back. The girls and I had a lovely evening all on our own. The first time...and, luckily not the last. I'm looking forward to having it be a special time just for us. We talked about the conference also. I almost didn't ask. I finally did while they were eating (late, of course). I'm so glad I did. They both talked about what they liked about it, how they felt and all on their own identified that they had felt the Holy Ghost and liked feeling the Spirit. My hope is that we can continue to provide opportunities for them to feel and recognize the Spirit. They will be so much more prepared for what is to come in the future if they can feel confident in their ability to recognize how He speaks to them. Their response will be so much quicker - they will be able to move into action instead of wondering what to do next because they're not sure about what they just felt/thought. I will always remember spending the evening with my girls. (We had other adventures too...like walking to the park, visiting the ducks, talking, having exactly what they wanted for dinner - because they had such a simple request and sharing laughs...and certainly, feeling the Spirit in our home and in ourselves.)
There were some great messages and I truly benefitted from all of the messages and music. Layne asked if there was a 'living with trials' thing going on. I noticed a few talks that spoke about death and losing loved ones...just a couple of tissues on some of those. I love the feeling that's in our home right now. We'll see how long it lasts into tomorrow.

Newest Development

We have more news. This time it was not about Layne's cancer...it was about his work.
Several people were laid off on Wednesday. Layne was asked into 'the office' and was told that they would not be able to match his disability pay anymore. (At least until things turned around financially for the company.) The employees met on Thursday and were assured that those that were there would all be staying. Later that afternoon, Layne spoke with the gal in HR. (She had been laid off the day before and will be staying through the month. She was going to talk with him on Wednesday, but was apparently a bit emotional and took the rest of the day off.) She explained a few more things and made the reality of the scenario sound much worse than it really is right now. She told Layne that he needed to take full time disability leave, that disability insurance would cover 60% of his salary, the Family Medical Leave Act will be terminated in a month and at that time, he could legally be laid off. The disability insurance would still be in place until his chemo was finished, but...with the possibility of being laid off in November...he might not have a job after his disability leave. We would need to sign up for Cobra for our health insurance (with a monthly payment). If he was lucky, he might still have a job and be able to return when the chemo treatments were completed. He asked if he could come in on Friday to finish up a couple of things. And, would working next week be a problem if he needed more time to complete a couple of things? (They're close to marketing the current product he's working on...it was quite possible he was going to need to work a few hours on the week-end in order to have everything ready for a group next week.) She told him that she would OK working on Friday with management...but, that he really needed to not come in the following week, or they could lay him off at that point. When he came home and told me about it. It sounded a little off. It was hard for me to believe some of it because this company is one of those 'just plain good people' kind of places. People are kind, give each other the benefit of the doubt and work well together. Moral is usually pretty high (except when there's a lay off). So, when he told me some of the news...I was a little mad. I couldn't believe they'd just say..."Go on, leave. And, make sure you take your stuff with you because you're probably not coming back." Seriously? They had always been so kind and accommodating. And now, they were kicking out the guy doing chemo! I then cried on his shoulder for about 30 seconds, and moved on pretty quickly. We talked just long enough for dinner to burn and the boys to finish their piano lessons with grandma while the girls were doing their 'calendar binders' with grandpa. (So great to have them here each week. We don't know what we're going to do when their mission is over.)
The real scenario came to light when Layne spoke with some of the management on Friday. Yes, he was asked to go on Disability Leave until his chemo is finished. It will be cheaper for them because his pay will come through the disability insurance instead of through the company. They have no intentions of laying him off in November. When Layne stated that detail, he kind of chuckled. Apparently, several of the others in management (some of Layne's closest friends at work) were all surprised when he asked about it. They told him that he was a great employee and needed him to come back so he could continue work on the project they're attempting to send to market. It's always nice to hear praise. He felt appreciated and relieved all at the same time.
So, the real deal is that he's going to be home for a few months. We'll be receiving 60% of his salary and we're thinking he'll still have a job in January (or February) when the doctors give him the green light for work after his chemo is complete.
We are very thankful. The reduced pay is not ideal. But, we've lived off less...not fun...but, we're thinking it's 'doable'. It will be similar to when we first moved into our home and Layne was doing a Post Doc. Right now, I'm glad we chose to purchase a home that fit with the salary of a Post Doc...instead of going with a salary that he 'could' be making at some point. So, instead of paying a little extra each month on the mortgage...we'll go back to just paying it off for the next few months.
A couple of items we talked about during that first conversation were the possible good things that could come out of this. Layne had the idea that maybe he doesn't have as long as we thought he had and this will be a good chance for him to spend time with the kids. I was glad we were homeschooling. The kids will actually be around for him to see. I also thought of the fact that he could help with some of the curriculum...math and science maybe. Oh...and if there are two people working on my 'to do' list, it might actually get done. Maybe. Layne was also aware that he needed to have a real plan for what he was going to accomplish. Otherwise, he feels like he'll squander too much time and regret it. (We went over some things today.) We're looking forward to some time together as a family. I almost wish there wasn't a need for it, but here we are. We also thought of the fact that I might be able to work on some 'income for the future' options. One of the guys at work to Layne that he could pick up with the homeschooling and I could start working. Hmm...not sure that's the first option I would go with...I don't quite see Layne and homeschooling four kids meshing.
Layne and I have different styles in just about everything...so, it'll be interesting to see how things work out. Maybe this is another opportunity for us to work together better. We're so used to taking on our own roles...should be interesting.

Aloha!

We're going to Hawaii!! How cool is that? We had some kind people (my siblings) donate to our cause.  It was a huge surprise! We are very grateful (and yet still feel a little silly). I think I might still be in shock. We're excited to explore the views and beaches. Maybe I'll acquire a swimsuit from Title Nine before we go. Oh wait...I don't think they do sales. Hmm...

New Low

We went in last week for another treatment. Layne's counts were low for white blood cells and platelets. I was concerned to hear that since it was unexpected. They even double checked just to be sure. I was kind of hoping we'd just 'plow' through the treatments and be done. We had already figured out that he would be done by the end of December given the schedule we were following. So, that's another factor. We will now get to pay even more money because the treatments will go into 2013. The hope was to be done and celebrate a new year with no chemo. Oh well...
I was a bit worried at first because I wasn't sure exactly what that meant for Layne (to have low counts) and rather he'd be alright. He did end up being more tired than usual. There were a couple of times he wondered why he had no energy...as if he felt like he had been given the infusion.
The Doctor/Staff didn't seem to think it was too big of a deal. Apparently, it happens often enough that they didn't seem too concerned.
We're heading in tomorrow to try again. Here's to a good count!

From the horse's mouth

This past weekend was my fourth treatment. Things have gone well so far. I have not had a lot of bad side effects, other than some sensitivity to cold and some tingling sensations in my hands and lips.  Those feelings go away eventually and by the next week after treatment I start to feel a lot better. I am glad I can still work, although I am slower right now than I would like.  There is a wellness program at HCH that I have been participating in since the middle of last month. Sometimes it takes a lot out of me, but I am happy to be able to be as active as I am, and appreciate the push that gives me.

Teresa has been a great support, I don't know what I would do without her. The kids have been troopers dealing with this.  We have tried to do a few fun things, most recently being the launch party for Janitors 2 by Tyler Whitesides on Saturday night.   I have also felt very touched by the kind words and thoughts from family and friends. 

I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and our family. I wish I knew a little more about how it will turn out, but I know it will be for good.  How could it not be?

Anyway, I will let Teresa take the writing responsibility back.  She enjoys it a lot more than I do.

Layne

Ward Activity

We're heading out to a church event. It's what people do when they're still hooked up to a bag of chemo, right? Apparently, life as usual around here.

One Fourth

Layne has done 3 of his 12 chemo treatments. It feels like we have the routine down a little bit. Today went much quicker than the first two. That was a good thing.
When it was done, we had a nurse come to help with getting him hooked up with the drug that he takes home. We were a bit confused, considering that we didn't realize anyone was coming. We were ready to go. We were able to get things worked out so that they will be getting him set up before we go and then coming on Sunday afternoon to 'flush' the line and de-access the port. I'm glad. We felt like we were left hanging on that one. It's not like it would be that big of a deal once I knew what I was doing, but we didn't like the feeling of no support at all.
Layne started today with an exercise program at the Wellness Center. So, I dropped him off and went for my own walk up the canyon by Red Butte. I ended up taking a few pictures. Surprise. It was great to have a few moments in the morning to reflect and be outside.
The kids did great today. They took care of themselves through lunch and then went to a friend's house. I'm so grateful for those that have taken the kids in while we've been gone. I'm hoping that they'll get a chance to have a break in their day each time. It just seems like being home by themselves all day...every time would not be a good thing. Last time they went to a friend's house in the morning and were at home in the afternoon by themselves. By the time early evening rolled around, my parents were able to  be with them for a bit since we were much later than we thought we'd be. The very first time, they were at my parents' house and spending time with cousins. I think that was the favorite so far.
Layne did the 'cold' thing again today. I think it might be getting more intense. I noticed this morning that it seems he's getting a small rash on his wrists. Odd. But, chemo is full of fun surprises. His fingers started tingling just about the time the drug was introduced this time. So, we'll see if that intensifies also. He was weak and a bit tired afterward. The doctor told him he really is doing as well as could be expected. We're thankful the side effects haven't been more dramatic than they what has been presented thus far. Although, the steroid that makes one more emotional...not sure I like that one. Layne's somewhat anxious in the first place...multiply that and we're doing lots of deep breathing.:}
We stopped by Layne's work after the treatment. It's only a couple minutes drive from Huntsman. He had something he needed to send in. The paperwork was done, just needed to add something and sign...or something like that. As we were leaving, I told him it might not have been a good idea to stop by - once you head in, they'll expect him to follow up with the same next time. We got out to the van, he moved his fingers a bit and said there was no way he could do an actual work day (or even an afternoon) after a treatment. His hands were shaky and stiff. He also looked exhausted after being there for only about 10 minutes.

16K

We received a bill for Layne's first chemo session. It's over $16 thousand dollars. Wow. There's the part where the insurance company tells you how much they negotiated, then how much they paid and then the amount you owe. We're glad we have insurance. Our part is the co-pay for the doctor's visit. (I think that's a one time thing. So, it's possible that the other bills will not even have that. But, that also sounds a bit delusional to assume that...although, I really think someone told us that somewhere along the way.) I'm glad we're not 'breaking the bank' on this one. It's not exactly free to go to the appointments and pay for other prescriptions, but at least we're not thinking about rather we're going to eat next week. We're glad Layne has a job, we have decent insurance, and that we're not stressed about how we're going to pay for things.

Little Things

Nice to see Layne's running clothes in the laundry today. It was mostly a walk...but, still. He ran part of the way. I think he's glad he went. He was told that moving around a bit would help him feel better and give him more energy. He's working with the Wellness Center on a fitness program they've put together for him.

First Chemo Treatment

July 27, 2012
First chemo treatment. The line has been put through the port that is on the right side of his chest. The apparatus that's holding all of the drugs is right next to the chair.
Huntsman is located on Shoreline Ridge and gives you a pretty good view. It was nice to be able to enjoy the view since we were there for awhile.

This picture was taken not long after he was first hooked up. The tingling in the fingers, the metalic taste in his mouth and the chills hadn't set in yet. It was nice of him to smile for the camera.:} (I take so many pictures that he typically just rolls his eyes at me and continues with what he's doing.)

Post Dated

I have slipped a couple of posts in after they happened. That means you would have to go through older posts to be able to see them. I think I'll start putting all the most recently written posts on the top. If they fit into the current timeline, great. If not, they'll be dated only be at the top for a few days. After that, I will put them in the correct chronological order. That way, you can read all of the posts with less effort.

Courage

"Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'".

I read this as a quote from President Monson the other day. His picture was with it. I wonder if the person that put it together knew that it's actually President Monson quoting Mary Anne Radmacher in a talk he gave. Whatever the case, I love it and wanted to give the proper recognition.
I think I might have gotten a little lump in my throat. There are many days where we just say...we'll try again tomorrow. I didn't realize that might have had anything to do with courage. I think courage is the gift of rising above the challenge...even when it's hard...no matter how much you want to give up...no matter how easy it would be to give in. It takes courage to move forward in a positive way. The harder the challenge, the more courage it takes. It's faith in action. It's perseverance at its best.

Monday Already?

Sorry to have gone through the week-end without posting anything.
Layne had his second treatment this past Friday. He also met with people at the wellness center (to put together a fitness plan) and the nutritionist. (I'm impressed with the services they offer...sort like and 'all inclusive' resort.) It feels like a day of several appointments one after the other...with the last one being around four hours. He was in a bed this time instead of a chair. He had a great view last time too. I think he ended up in the bed because he was a couple of hours late for his chemo. The doctor was a behind schedule...which seems to be the case whenever we're there.
Some of the after effects from last time are apparent again. His fingertips and toes continue to be sensitive to cold. He also feels weak.  He describes it as feeling like he has the flu...just without the aching feeling. He's just not up for doing as much. (Although, he put in a full Sunday yesterday...complete with an early meeting, the three hour block, another meeting, home teaching and then our home teachers coming to visit us. I think there was a nap somewhere in there too.)
When Layne finishes the round of treatments at the hospital, he has another that he gets to take home with him that drips in slower than the others do. He gets to be connected to it for a couple of days and wears a nifty bag over his shoulder to put it in. (A patient actually made a bunch of them for other patients...how cool is that?) While we're at the hospital, the line has to be flushed, a drug is pushed in and then he's hooked up to the one that goes home. Once he's home (and done), the line gets flushed again, we put medicine through that guards against blood clots, and then take out the needle (that's been in his port the whole time). Guess who gets to do all of that? Yep...Moi. When they first told me that I would be the one doing it...it was understood that I would watch someone else do it a few times and then take over once I was comfortable doing so. Last time we had a nurse show us what she was doing at the hospital and then when we were home, another nurse showed us how to do the last part. It didn't occur to me that after seeing it once, I would be expected to do it. It's not a big deal for them because they do it often enough that they're used to it. I think it makes a difference when it's someone you know, you've only seen it done once and you've never dealt with syringes and people all at the same time. I didn't do the final drug this time. But, I think I might 'get' to do it next time around. There's a story behind who's supposed to do what and what insurance covers and doesn't...I've already written plenty on the topic for one day, so we'll save it for another day (maybe).

Chill Factor

Last night Layne asked what we were going to do in the winter. It took me a second to figure out what he was talking about...the fact that he was pulling the sheet over himself while I was attempting to keep the sheet off of me because of the heat was a big clue. He's a bit concerned that if he's a little chilly now...how cold will he be during the winter when the weather is actually chilly instead of in the triple digits. I'm not sure what we're going to do.
I thought about the day before when he wore jeans to work and commented about it being cold at the office. It's August. I'm used to seeing him wear shorts and a short sleeve shirt to work during the summer. (Oh, to have the dress code of an engineer.) It was odd to see him walk toward his truck with long sleeves, long pants and actual shoes (instead of sandals) on. It was then that I had remembered that on Monday I noticed him wearing pants and had wondered if he had any shorts that were clean. I haven't washed any of his lately. Hmm...
I don't know what we're going to do this winter. I guess like everything else, we'll have to wait and see.
In the meantime, we get to go for another treatment tomorrow. We're hoping this one doesn't take as long as the first one did.

Morning Thoughts

I cried in the shower this morning. I randomly remembered a free concert we went to this summer. (I'll have to share the name of the group as soon as I can think of it...three men that have been performing together for decades. I'd love to give them proper credit.) They sing a song called, "I'll build you a rainbow". Anyone that has heard it, knows that it came out years ago. It's about the relationship a boy has with his mom that has a terminal illness. She takes the opportunity to spend meaningful time with him. It's about the possibility of family relationships being forever, the bond that a mother can have with her child and about remembering those who have passed away. Layne mocked me for being a little teary eyed at the time. I had to explain that there's just something about a mother and her kids...not to mention the new slant on the song when you know there's a strong possibility your spouse is going to die because he has a terminal illness. There's also just something about children growing up without one of their parents around because of death.
So, that's the random background. I had the memory of hearing that song and then had a few thoughts come to mind. The timing is such that it's possible Layne will be around (in two years) to baptize Rachel. It's against the odds that he'll be around (6 and 7 years from now) to see the boys go on their missions. And, the odds of seeing any of the kids get married or hold a grandchild...well...it would be a true miracle. It's hard to think about and I'm doing my best to have a positive attitude about our lives with cancer, but I think it would be unhealthy to just ignore the reality of it all. I don't want to live in denial. I don't think it would be good for anyone. So, sometimes I just let myself be sad about it.

School!

We started our homeschool yesterday. It seems odd to think we're launching into another year. Life as usual. Layne is at work and I'm at home with the kids. It feels good.
Now I just need to actually be productive...yep, life as usual.:}

A Little Tired

Layne went back to work yesterday. My only concern was rather he would be tired or not. I asked him about it when he got home. His response was, "I was a little tired after my walk during lunch.". Really? It's the first day back to work and he feels the need to sneak in some exercise during lunch. He mentioned he had a few minutes of head nodding after that. Apparently, the rest of the day went just fine.
He also had a co-worker (and their family) give our family a fun gift of the makings for ice cream sundaes. (Thanks Sorensons!) It worked out perfect for our 'treat' last night. Jacob was in charge of that for our Family Home Evening and anyone who knows...knows that he will choose ice cream just about every time. It made it even more meaningful knowing that it came from a family that worked with Layne and the boys on LegoLeague last year. So fun to have it be from a family we've all met and think are great. (We're all very grateful Layne works with some fabulous people. I truly think some will be life long friends...including those who go with him on hikes, walks and for disc golf not long after he's had chemo.)

So much to say...so little time.

Wow! It's August already. We've made it through the first few days of chemo. Layne's still working with a loss of appetite. It still humors me that he was given a steroid that would have side effects of 'feeling emotional'. Hmm...
The kids and I went to Discovery Gateway (Children't Museum) today. The Wizzgiggle Puppeteers were putting on a show. We've seen them several times at the library and have always enjoyed it, so decided it would be fun to see them again. We hadn't seen them perform yet this summer. We have a membership to the museum so we spent some time there afterwards also.
We came home, had dinner and the boys went to Scouts. It was all so 'life as usual'.
I had a chance to play the piano tonight too. I have worried about playing because I haven't wanted to bother Layne. He seemed to be alright tonight, so I gave it a try. It's always therapeutic for me...so, it was nice to have the chance.
I think one of the things I'm going to start doing is dating posts when they happened. So, that means you might need to check older posts if you want to read the whole story. It seems inconvenient, but I wanted to try for the correct chronological order so it'll make more sense later on.
I will also be adding more pictures and links.

Evening Routine

Tonight we actually did most of our evening routine. The kids got ready for bed, we read scriptures, and prayed. After the kids got in bed, Layne read to them and I sang to the girls and then talked with and prayed with the boys. So nice to have an evening that was life as usual. We're hoping to regroup this week and get back into a somewhat regular routine. It was so great to feel 'normal' for a little bit even though our husband and dad is still not feeling his best.

Beginning to Wonder

I wondered more than once today if we were going to make it through this. Layne feels cold while I'm wondering if the air conditioner is even functioning. He's not able to touch anything cold without some pain...I'm not used to being the only one with access to the fridge. I think we were both a little grouchy about the whole thing. He's also a bit nervous about germs right now. I guess it has something to do with the idea that his immune system is down. Crowds...whatever.
The kids came back today (from Grandma/Grandpa Riding's house) and we got to see my brother Dave and his family. I'm glad we had a chance to see them again before they headed back. I also love our kids. I missed them. (Although, it was a tiny bit refreshing to just have some time with Layne and not have to worry about how the kids were doing while we were at the hospital. Thanks Dad/Mom, Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins that took care of them. They had a great time.)

9 Hour Day

Today was the day! Layne had his port accessed, blood drawn, met with the oncologist, got hooked up to the I.V. and then waited...and waited. (Anyone who knows him...knows that waiting would not be a favorite pastime of his.)
One of Layne's very favorite things to do is ask questions. It was quite apparent today when he asked a couple of questions that had been answered in explanations that had just been given. I think he was a little nervous. There were a couple of times one or two of the staff just started talking with me instead. It was odd to be with Layne and have him not know an answer...especially when it had to do with cancer or anything that involved scientific words with more than 5 syllables. Actually, I was just kind of excited that I actually knew something.
We had several people giving us information and reviewing info with us. It seems everyone has a niche. There's quite a bit to remember. Layne's usually great about talking with all of them and remembering names.
Layne came home with a little bag that he gets to wear through Sunday evening. The drugs will continue to drip in through his port. A nurse will come to our house to flush and disconnect the line to the port.
He says it feels a little bit like having a mild flu. He's not able to deal with cold. Anything he drinks has to be room temperature, he's supposed to wear gloves when moving anything in the fridge/freezer (which really means I get to do it) and his body temperature has taken a turn to the chilly side also. He came home and said it was too cold in our house. He doesn't want to be in the basement because it's too chilly. I had to check if it was the same man I married and have lived with for the last 15 years. Adjustments are being made by all. Time to go.

Thanks Uncle Mike!

The Ranch...The Ranger...The Love of My Life...

Chemo Prep

Layne shaved his head today. He looks as close to bald as possible. He says it feels like sand paper. I think it feels a bit fuzzy. Although, only a little...not enough hair to feel very soft. It's a good thing bald is still a good look for him. We'll see what happens with the chemo...and, if it'll effect his hair or lack thereof.

Logistics

I feel bad about writing a not so happy post and then leaving it there for a few days. I will try to do better. I also plan to actually add some photos and links...you know, kind of like a real blog.
I also acknowledge that I haven't responded to comments that have been made. Thank you for the comments, support and questions. I will attempt to answer when possible. It's great to have comments. It somehow makes it feel like someone out there somewhere is reading.
I will attempt to write a post or two in the next couple of days and then will be gone for a reunion (which we are EXCITED about). After that, Layne has his first chemo and we're going to attempt to start school. We'll see how all of it goes.
I will be committing to writing more often than every week and a half. (Sorry.) I will even throw in some good/happy stuff.
Thanks for reading. And especially, thanks for the support. Love to all!

Warm and Fuzzy

The surgeon (Dr. Sklow) that took out part of Layne's colon is not known for being 'warm and fuzzy'. We had heard that from several people and continue to hear it. I think he's great. I love that he took out all the cancer he could see. I really like that he listens. When I spoke with him after the surgery, it was just the two of us. He waited after asking me if I had any other questions. When I did ask questions, he made sure I understood the answer. He was very much engaged in the conversation. There was no feeling of him being in a hurry or needing to be somewhere more important. He showed me pictures of Layne's colon and surrounding area that he had taken with his ipod. I now know what it's like to see cancer inside someone you love. Kind of cool actually. How many people can say that? You know someone truly wants you to understand when they look you in the eye and ask if you understand what they're saying. I got the message that he knew it would take time to process what I was being told. But, I appreciate that he took the time to talk to me. It's a conversation I feel good about...not because of the content - but, rather in spite of the content. I knew he wasn't able to get emotionally involved in every patient's story and yet I felt a human side of him that came out as I knew he really wanted me to know what was going on and that they really had done all they could. I was given the impression that he truly wanted a cure and that he was determined to have things work out for us.

Schedule Change

Layne was originally going to start chemo yesterday. The new start date is July 27th. We still have a ways to go. More of the waiting game. Maybe we'll have a 'normal' few weeks before then. We have a reunion that we're thrilled about...and will be even better now that we know Layne will not be working with the side effects of chemo.
I was planning to start homeschool again the first week of August. We'll see how that goes...considering it will be the same week we're figuring out how he'll react to the chemo.
I'm glad he's back at work. It's been an adjustment for us. (We had a whole month with him at home.) It'll be a good thing for him to be able to accomplish something there before he takes a week off for chemo.

Mean, Median and Mode

These are things you learn about in Elementary School. Today, they took on a new meaning. Layne talked with the oncologist. One of the things he was able to find out had to do with survival rates. We were told when we met with him last week that survival rate for colon cancer is 20% within the first five years. (It's much better than the 8% we found in a study from 2004. We were hoping the odds were better now. So, that was a good thing.) We were happy to hear that it was better than we'd thought and moved on to another topic. Layne was told this time that the mean for his situation is 20 to 24 months. That seems so much different to me! When five year survival rates are discusses...I think 5 years. I don't think anytime between now and five years from now. Hearing your husband will be around for up to 2 years is much different than hearing five years. I know both eventually come...but, five years seems much further away than two. I spent a good part of the day processing that and having a few tears run down my face to match the rain that was coming down outside.

Rainy Day

We've been pretty dry around here. It's been hot and we've had several fires in the area. Pretty scary stuff. I was a bit nervous about my kids, fireworks and all the dry grass around...especially when I thought about all those that weren't in their homes because the fires were too close.
Rainy summer days are great for getting things done inside and reading cozily with the kids. Layne's been at work. So, it's a great day to regroup and be with just the kids again. It's a also a great day for tears.
Layne had scans taken on Tuesday (7/3). He's been hoping for results. He talked with Dr. Garrido (oncologist) and then gave me a call. He didn't get very far in his conversation with the doctor before his phone had cut out. A bit frustrating for him...considering Dr. Garrido had just said that he did have a minute to answer some questions. Bummer. Our lives are sort of a waiting game, what's another hour or so? He had called me to tell me all about it...that, and they didn't have the result back yet. He shared something that was unexpected, so I was a bit shaken up by it.

Trucks, and Tables, and Chair, Oh My

We participated in a festive flag raising, parade, and breakfast this morning. Layne helped with the extra tables and chairs that were brought into the park to accommodate all of those in attendance. He went home to get his truck in order to return said tables and chairs to the church building they had been borrowed from earlier. When the event was over...he commented about how he was a bit sore around the surgery site. Yikes. I thought about that as I saw him start hefting things, but thought he could monitor himself on this one. He's fine...just reminded that he's still healing.
I've talked with people about how he doesn't seem like someone that has stage 4 colon cancer. He's present, alert and energetic. Most people don't notice a difference. I guess that's a good thing...except when he needs someone else to tell him he shouldn't be lifting. It's great that he can still be involved with so many things. It would be a different scenario for us if he was feeling sick and wasn't able to do things he'd like to do. He's got a ways to go before he's back to running. But, at the same time, we're grateful he's able to do most everyday kinds of activities.
The day was great! We did plenty of celebrating. Although, it wasn't quite as festive when we put a new set of drawers together for the boys' room. (Luckily, no lifting was involved.) It was a big project and Layne got a little flustered. The boys also had a friend over and we 'made' him help too.:} It's funny to me how for the most part...friends come to visit and they don't want to leave. Poor guy. Maybe we'll try to have it be more enjoyable another time. Or not...nothing says 'welcome to our home', like making someone join in the work project, right?
The other scheduled event is a BBQ and fireworks with friends. Happy 4th!

Tumor Team

The Tumor Team met today. Layne called to let me know that after their discussion, the decision was made to go ahead with the 'classic' chemo. We had a brief conversation when he called, but he seemed to feel alright with it. We're not exactly looking forward to it...but, needing any kind of treatment is not exactly thrilling in the first place. We'll see how things go.

Strike A Pose

We had family pictures taken this morning at Wheeler Farm. A friend from our 'student housing at the 'U' days' took them for us. We are so grateful for her time! She's in the middle of a move (from AZ to OR) and just happened to be in the state. She was great...even though there were times my kids couldn't figure out how to make the natural smile happen. I knew it was a struggle, because I see them smile on a daily basis. What they were producing wasn't quite what I'm used to seeing. Apparently, none of them will be working for Abercrombie and Fitch anytime soon. (Good thing!)
I loved that we were outside for them! The weather cooperated nicely. And, so did the kids. I have a hard time with the whole coordinating outfits thing, so hopefully we look more like we mesh than clash.
At one point, pictures were being taken of the kids with their dad. The thought came that this could be our last set of family photos. I quickly pushed that aside and enjoyed the rest of the time with the family. I was so grateful we had the opportunity to get some 'real' pictures taken. Although, I shed just a tear or two when we were done. It was important to Layne and me to get some pictures taken before treatment was started. I'm delighted that we did. I'm glad miracles happen and a talented friend was able to help with what Heavenly Father knew was important to us.

New Normal

Layne returned to work today. It sounds like it should be 'life as usual', right? Maybe it's our 'new normal'. Today we are getting ready for pictures that will being taken tomorrow. (Thanks Becky!) There's a national holiday on Wednesday. Layne has an appointment tomorrow and a couple of them on Thursday. Somewhere in there we'll hear results of the meeting that will be happening tomorrow. At one point, there was a plan to start chemo on Friday. It's not exactly how we used to spend our weeks. It used to be...Layne went to work (which he actually likes), the kids and I would 'do school' and spend time together, and then we'd connect again in the evening. There weren't appointments, more waiting and lots of paperwork. There have been other times in our lives when we've found a 'new normal'. Things such as moving or adding another child to our family...then there was the adjustment of when we were first married. It seems big topics get to have the title of 'new normal' instead of just the occasional schedule adjustment. It's a life adjustment. One of the things that's important to us, is helping the kids feel like life is still good and they are loved. We don't want them to get lost in all of this. And, as Layne has frequently stated, 'I'm not dead yet.'. (He's come up with lots of 'funny' comments lately.) We move forward with faith and excitement for the life that we do get to have together.

...and Slow

What does 'slow' have to do with all of this? The whole waiting game is a big piece of the puzzle for us. Layne has mentioned that maybe it's because he needs to learn more patience and this is the way Heavenly Father has chosen to do it.
It seems there's a longer wait than expected for just about every step of the process. And, the process seems to be a long one. It's been a couple of months since Layne first had the colonoscopy and we were told that he had colon cancer. It was another month before it was removed, and now another month has passed and we might be close to determining treatment. I'm hoping that's not the case for everyone. In between all of that has been waiting for the results of different tests.
We are currently waiting to know what is discussed/decided tomorrow when the Tumor Team meets. I'm doing my best to have faith that they will be inspired.

Fast...

We are so grateful for all who fasted for us yesterday. I'm touched by all of the ward members who came to start the fast with us. We met Sunday evening in the Relief Society room at church. It was full. The doors in the back were open. I still need to list all of the people who came. We feel very fortunate to be part of such a loving ward.

Layne got up and mentioned a few things about the scenario, answered some questions and then our Bishop said the prayer. We also did hymns and a prayer before and after. I was a bit weepy. Although, I don't think it was as bad as the 'ugly cry' I've heard mentioned by on 'Oprah'. (Nope, not really a fan...randomly watched a few years ago...it's what was on while I was nursing a child.)
We feel humbled that so many people were fasting/praying for us. We are completely aware that so many others have huge things going on in their own lives. It meant so much to us to have others be aware of us and do what they could to help. I've said it so many times...but, we truly do feel the support from others...both near and far.

Another thing about the fast that has touched me were several of the children involved. I love their sweet spirits and their evident faith. I've received messages from friends/relatives about the kids in their homes that fasted for us...maybe for the first time. I also experienced a strong feeling of support during Primary when one of the lovely gals said the prayer and petitioned her faith for 'Brother Williams'. I think my eyes are watering again as I write that. I just remember feeling overwhelmed by all of the support we've felt from others. We appreciate all who fasted and prayed for us...both young and old.

Finding Cures and Recuperating

Today we had a chance to go to the Cancer Learning Center at Huntsman...glad we did. We've been trying to piece things together the last couple of days. I feel like it helped. It was great to actually talk with someone too. We'll see what happens when the 'Tumor Team' meets on Tuesday.
The boys also left on a backpacking trip with the scouts. Layne was a bit nervous for Jonny...considering the pack he will be carrying is 1/3 his weight...and doesn't even have much in it. I'm not sure what happened once they got there and put food and other supplies in the pack. Poor guy. He was positive about it today - but, he has previously stated being nervous about carrying all of that weight. The reason I mention all of that is because at one point Layne suggested that he go on the trip with them so he could carry some of the supplies in his pack. I thought he was joking so I laughed and said something to the effect of, 'Says the guy who just had surgery and isn't supposed to be lifting anything.'. He looked as if he had forgotten all of that for a moment. It really is hard not to help when you think you're capable of doing so. We need him getting better from his surgery, not helping out the scouts.
To finish off the day, Layne and the girls are sleeping in the tent in the backyard. The girls are thrilled. They even get to use their 'Princess' sleeping bags.

Muci What?

We went to the oncologist on Tuesday. We were told (among other things) that Layne has a rare form of cancer that's mucinous (has mucus texture). It seems that means that it's more aggressive. That translates to harder to treat and less chance of survival. We think. As you can probably guess...we don't really know anything.
Layne was scheduled to start chemo next week. He's not sure about treating his form of cancer with the 'classic' chemo. So, he's been doing research...as much as possible. He wants to know options. We were a bit surprised to think that the chemo they offered was pretty much the only option given. We have been exceptionally pleased that he's at Huntsman. We were thinking they would have offered something that was more specific to what he has. They don't offer anything because there hasn't been enough success with any one treatment route. So, here we are. It would be nice if success had reigned and we were heading into something promising. But, not sure we can really say that and mean it. Although, I'm sure everyone has heard that nothing is promised when it comes to chemo.
Another thing we did hear was that survival at 5 years is about 20%...instead of the 8% we read about in an old study. We were hoping things were a little better and they are. So, that's a happy thing.

Family and Ward Fast

We've had so many people ask what they can do to help. We've been trying to do better about answering the question instead of just deflecting it. So, those of you who will be fasting this Sunday anyway...will you consider fasting with us, our families and our ward?
We want to be sure that the treatment Layne receives is what will be best for him and his specific type of cancer. There is a group that will meet on Tuesday. They're dubbed the 'Tumor Team' and will be discussing specifics about Layne, his case and the best course of action. Our fast will be that they will be inspired/prompted to know what will be best for Layne.
We are so grateful for all of the support we have received. We can truly 'feel the vibes' of all the prayers in our behalf. Thank you!

Life as Usual

Life is a little different at our house lately. Our husband/father has been diagnosed with Stage IV Colon Cancer. This blog is about that...and, the fact that we still have plenty of life as usual moments.
'No Kung Fu in the kitchen, please.' is a direct quote from me when one of our daughters came in doing 'kung fu' (Kung Fu Panda style) when asked to come and help prepare lunch. My husband laughed and said it would be a great name for a blog...in hopes that I would change the name of our family blog I started years ago (and haven't updated for years either). I was already thinking to start this blog, so...there you have it.
I'm hoping to use this blog to keep family and friends updated on the cancer scenario. We had so many of the same questions asked of us at the beginning, that I decided it would be great to have everyone on the same page. I'm also hoping to give a glimpse into what we are thinking and feeling about it...not just when the next appointment is scheduled.