I went to the temple today. I knew Layne was going to be in the Houston temple this afternoon, so I planned on being in the temple here around the same time. I was even really sappy and wore a dress I know he likes along with a scarf he bought for me while on a business trip to Germany.
I'm glad I went. It had been too long. I sat and enjoyed the peace at the end for awhile. I even had someone come up and hug me while I was weeping a bit. It made me grateful for all of those who want the best for us, those who are praying for us and offer to help in any way they can. That made me a little more weepy.
I was also thinking about the idea that part of the grieving that's done when you know a loved one is going to die is done before they go. I'm glad in a way. If my spouse is going to die young, I'd rather know and prepare than be shocked, grieving and attempting to figure out the future all at the same time. This way, if there are logistics that aren't in place...it's my own fault. (Maybe more should be done about that right NOW.) There won't be too much shock because I will be expecting it at some point. And, some of the grieving will have already happened, right? What a great plan. I think I still might be a bit of a mess for the first little while.
I'm grateful for the times we've had to spend time together as a family. I want the kids to have good memories of their dad and know that he tried to be a good father for them while he was around. I want them to have a desire for our family to be together again.
The temple is an amazing place, isn't it? I've been comforted lately by the talk Elder Scott gave in April General Conference. Look it up when you have a minute. I agree that your whole family will have to grieve through this process, instead of grieving suddenly, but the only comfort I find in the whole thing has been in the temple. Praying with and for you both.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you are letting yourself grieve and deal as this is all happening. It seems much healthier that way. I don't even know what to say to the last couple of posts, so I won't say anything. I do love the temple. It seems like my soul starts to melt as soon as I step inside. Love you, can't wait to see you at Christmas.
ReplyDeleteTeresa,
ReplyDeleteMy heart is full of love for you and Layne and your children. I'm glad you were able to go to the temple today and to feel a measure of peace there. Thank you for sharing the feelings of your heart with us through this blog. I love you very, very much.
Teresa, I got home for a brief little bit in the middle of a very busy day. I sat down and read your blog and I can hardly function through the rest of my tasks. I am crying just reading of the heavy burdens placed upon you. If I can hardly function as I share just the smallest particle of your grief, how can you expect that you could/should be working through logistics right now? Please don't feel you need to take any more than you already have on your shoulders right now, and certainly don't feel that anything--even things in the future--would be your fault.
ReplyDeleteI really wanted to call you when I read this, but I am too distraught and emotional, and that wouldn't be helpful at all. I will wait and call when I can pull it together. Please know how much my heart is breaking for you, Layne, and your beautiful children. I've wondered if I had to lose my spouse at a young age, if it would be better suddenly, like an accident, or an illness where I had time to say good-bye. The only answer I ever come up with is "neither"! I can't express my sorrow that you and Layne have been called upon to experience this extreme trial.
I love the thought that you found a little peace in the temple and I am also touched by your care in choosing your outfit as an indication of your connection with Layne. I don't find it sappy at all! Just romantic and loving.
I also believe your kids could never doubt what a good Dad they have! Layne is one of THE most engaged dads I have ever seen. I have always admired him for that.
This morning I read in Mormon 9 that our God is still a God of miracles. I don't know what that miracle might look like for your family, and especially for Layne, but I cling to that.
I love you very much. I will be in the temple tomorrow praying for you. I hope Layne qualifies for this new treatment, and that there may finally be some good news in this cancer saga which seems to just keep getting worse. Carolynn
It was nice to see you and your family last week, Teresa. Keep the faith. Let us know how things go in Houston. Sorry, really really sorry.
ReplyDeleteGary
Thanks for the comments. I'm trying to do better about sharing a reply, but still can't quite find the fortitude to reply to each of the comments through my tears. I appreciate the thoughts and love that are expressed. Love to all. We are ever so grateful for faithful people who are praying/fasting/thinking of us.
ReplyDeleteTeresa,
ReplyDeleteI don't even want you to think of say things like "I'm trying to do better..." We all know that your shoulders have such heavy burdens on them right now that the LAST thing you need to worry about is that you "should" be doing better at anything. Just get through the days and nights. One day, one night at a time. Don't add things like replying to us to your list of burdens!