Hammock+Dr. Pepper=Layne

Jacob is out in the hammock drinking a Dr. Pepper. I wonder if Layne is watching. He would be proud. Layne was the one that thought of getting a hammock way back when we lived in La Jolla student housing. We would be able to see the ocean from the back porch where our hammock was hung. We took the same hammock with us to Utah. Again, it was hung (weather permitting) behind our townhouse. There were nights summer concerts happened at Red Butte Garden when we'd put the kids to bed, lay in the hammock, and listen to the concert. When we moved to our current home - we found a place for the hammock in the back yard. After years of use, we were in need of a new one. I'm sure Layne found a deal somewhere. The kids and I still like to go and use the hammock for reading, observing nature, napping, and thinking...or just being. I think of Layne often when I see the hammock. I remember the times we shared a hammock and enjoyed what the local life had to offer.

The other part of my first sentence that made me smile was that Layne's favorite soda was Dr. Pepper. I'm not sure most people knew that. We don't really do the soda thing very often. I love that the kids and I will choose the same occasionally. It's a bit of a family favorite. 

So...the hammock and Dr. Pepper...Layne would be proud...or at least notice with a smile. I hope he's doing that today.

Grateful

I mentioned that today had been a good day. I wrote about a couple of things - but, then realized I hadn't written one of the biggest reasons - which is what I started to do in the first place. I have been so grateful today for so many people who help us out.
We went and finally got hair cuts today. I have a sweet and talented cousin who helped us out with that. She cut the kids hair right before the funeral. So...it's been 3.5 months. The girls have their hair long and all one length...so, that wasn't a big deal for them to go that long. The boys? That was another story. It was pretty bad. They look so much better. I can see their eyes now.
I was feeling grateful as we came home. Sometimes I feel so grateful that I don't think I say it loud enough or in a grand enough way. I hope others know that I think daily about everything that others do for us. We have so many people that have helped - and are helping in so many different ways.
We had an unexpected ring of the doorbell this afternoon. UPS strikes again. I thought it might have been something I'd ordered. I noticed the return address included the name of a sister in law that's in another state. It's not uncommon for her to randomly send something that she thinks might be helpful. I wondered what it was this time. I literally laughed out loud when I saw what was inside. There are plenty of things I just kind of put up with because - well, there are multiple/a variety of reasons. Apparently she and my brother figured out that I have been putting up with my current phone for too long and it was time to put it to rest. He and I had talked about it - more than once. I think he got tired of wondering when I was going to ask and just had his wife send it. I'm excited to get it set up.
A huge thank you to everyone that helps us out in whatever way works best for them.

Temple Telepathy

I had a chance to go to the temple today. There was one part - that I've heard countless times - when I knew that somehow there is a way that I can still communicate and work with Layne. It seems the veil is thin and there is a way for me to access that and receive his help, his counsel, and his support. We're able to somehow still work together as a team...a companionship. I'm intrigued. I guess I better get working on how it all works. I'm glad he's still there. He's someone that I want on my side. He's always been a fierce fighter for our family. There are times he's been a bit of a miracle worker. We'll see what happens now that he has a few more tools to work with these days. Well, at least I think that's how it works.

Finances

I was thinking today about Layne and finances. I was realizing that we are quite blessed. It's been tough. But, at the same time I feel grateful for the opportunity to continue to homeschool the kids. The situation would put us in so much debt right now. We could easily have piles of debt for both student loans and medical care. Instead we're able to move forward without those barriers. It feels freeing. (Is that a word?) I feel the freedom that comes from being out of debt. We still have a mortgage. But, that's pretty much it - which is good because it's still not like we have lots of money rolling in. We have enough. I will eventually be doing more to have an income. The kids know that they will also be doing more on that front as well.
I'm amazed that for how much Layne was able to work - which wasn't much - he was still able to provide for his family. I know that was important to him and I feel like he accomplished that. I know both of us thought that would look different. We thought the home we have now would just be a 'starter' home. We thought he was just starting to truly get off the ground with his career. It turns out that we were wrong. I think the fact that he did so many things to keep us out of debt has been so helpful. I know that the things he had in place when he died was also very helpful. (My dad has been kind enough to have some of his 'people' help out since Layne's passing. They are helping with financial advice, options, and investments.) Thanks Layne.

Bring Him Home

This song. I have been thinking about this one lately. There are several reasons. I was reminded this past week about the great experience I had to see this performed live. Anything from Les Mis also reminds me of the opportunities I had to see my sister perform (Eponine) when she traveled with the show. Of course - there's also the question - who doesn't love Les Mis and this song?
One of the biggest reasons I was bawling while listening to this song earlier today was because of an experience I had this past summer while we were in Nauvoo, IL. We were there for a family reunion and some of us had gone to a show that included this song. The show was about families and how things continue on through time. As you can imagine...I was already feeling tender about the whole thing. Then it happened. The performer on the stage was singing this song as he always had and I heard the words, "You need to let him go.". I immediately grabbed one of the two tissues that was already useless by this time. Right then I knew there would be no miraculous healing. Layne would be leaving us and it was going to happen seemingly sooner rather than later. That might have been enough for the waterworks - but, then I started to wonder if there were things I was doing or saying that made it so my husband felt like he couldn't give in to the cancer and be done. Was I holding him back? Everyone knows he's a fighter. But, did I have anything to do with his need to stay even longer? So many questions. I didn't want to be the one causing more pain than he was already experiencing. I had to just give in and let go - completely. I had to be okay with it. I had to do more than just say, "If you're going to take him - it'll be alright.". I was required to give him up - to put him on the alter so to speak. It was a real test.

Musical Note

We have been listening to some music tonight. After a bit - the kids started listening to a couple of 'covers' for songs that are familiar. One of them was Phillip Phillips' 'Home'. It started and Megan stated, "Mom always cries on this one.". Jonny was about to change it. I was in another room and told them to leave it where it was - so we could listen to the whole song. I will listen every time. And, just to be clear...I really don't cry every time.
I have spent part of the evening realizing how much listening to accapella is such a family thing for us. Thanks Layne. It was definitely one of his favorite genres.

Single Scoop

On Monday, I was in Provo and went to the Creamery (BYU Campus) to get some ice cream. We typically go when we're down there and we're able to fit it in the schedule. Layne made sure it was a tradition of sorts for us. I got a single scoop with two flavors - mint brownie and peanut butter trails. (I just had to mention that part so I could remember the flavors...and, because it feels like such an extravagance having two flavors instead of one when it's a 'single' scoop.)
I sat down with my treat - didn't want to drive while I was attempting to eat. I realized I was the only person in there that was sitting by myself. There were a couple of families, a group of friends, and an older couple that I noticed. I felt very much alone. I observed the others that were there and wondered what their observations of me might be. Did they see a grey haired, overweight, single woman eating ice cream all by herself? I'm guessing most of them weren't even aware of my presence. Of course, that was part of the problem. No one noticed I was there.
This was my first experience going there by myself. I had always had some family or friends with me during previous visits. I think that's part of what made my experience such a lonely one. I was missing the company I typically had surrounding me. I was very much missing the kids - and missing Layne even more.

New Computer

Words cannot express how thrilling it is to click on a link and have it come up - right then. It's like a modern day miracle. I know, for most that's not really a miracle - it's just the way it works. Well, when you have a family of six using the same computer for six or seven years, it doesn't always work that way. It's been a multitasking adventure. Truly, in the time it's taken me to write this, I 'normally' would have fixed dinner and done a load of laundry. Well, as long as no one else wanted a turn with the computer in that time. It's a new kind of rush to spend a few minutes and actually get something done. Maybe, just maybe I'll be able to write more. That makes me happy.

No 'Win-Win'

There are times it feels like there is no way to 'win' when it comes to traveling to Houston. If I go, I miss out on events with and being there for the kids. I miss being with them and having time together as a family. If I stay, I worry about Layne and how things are going the whole time. I feel selfish for not being there to help and support.
This time I've thought even more about it. There are things happening at home that I would love to be here for this weekend. There's also a greater chance that the scan will show the tumors have grown and he won't be doing chemo anyway. (If that happens - he's done with the clinical trial because the treatment isn't doing it's job anymore.)
I am remembering today that just last week Rachel brought up our missing out on a memorable Halloween event this past fall. That's hard too - I know the kids notice and remember. I will remember not being able to be two places at once and really wishing I could be. Is there some superpower for that? Sign me up.

Priesthood Blessing

Layne just had a blessing. He asked for one because he's been feeling like he needs the strength right now. He's been feeling more exhaustion and pain lately. It seems most of the blessing was about him having peace while he continues with whatever needs to happen next (with treatment). He was told he has a wife and kids supporting him and that we will be with him until the end. There were some other things that were said - but, that was the gist of it. Somehow, it confirmed to me that we are at the beginning of the end.
I had the thought, "He's dying.", go through my brain a couple of times during the blessing. There's also something about all three of the men crying through the blessing that didn't help me to keep myself in check. I'm grateful for the spirit that was here.

Layne Williams Cancer Fund

Some of my family members and Layne's cousin had an idea to do a fundraiser for us. This is the end result. It's done through YouCaring and I've been grateful for the number of people that have shared and donated. We are appreciative of the funds and mostly the support.
(The photo used is credited to Aspen Photography based in Salt Lake City. Thanks Lynn.)

Back Home

We came back home last night. We're grateful that my folks were able to come be with the kids. They did lots of fun things together.
Layne has slept quite a bit today. That's out of the ordinary for a guy who says he can't sleep during the day. His hemoglobin was low again on Friday. They offered a transfusion, but he would rather do that at Huntsman. I think I'll be putting it on tomorrow's schedule.

A Real Trooper

We're having our 'Layne's Still Alive Party' on Saturday even thought Layne's not feeling so great. He decided earlier in the week not to do the 5K that morning. He thought he'd at least be able to walk it. He wanted the whole family to participate together. The rest of us had already thought that it was off the schedule because we didn't have a plan and he wasn't feeling well. He still went into work yesterday (for a couple of hours) and to YM last night. He's a trooper.

Booorinnng!

I haven't been feeling very well the last few days. I'm wanting to be done. I had some great ideas for things we were going to get done this week with our learning, getting organized, and family fun. Monday we had a decent start, but we've gone downhill from there. The kids and Layne have kind of done their own thing (including New Years Eve) while I have been a bit boring. Layne even took the kids swimming this afternoon. I'm glad they were able to go do something fun. I'm ready to be done with being boring and non-productive.
I had a thought about Layne being bored because he's just not doing as much as he used to - and the reason he isn't is because of his health. I don't envy him. I'm glad he's had the chance to put a few hours of work in each week...especially since supporting our family financially is important to him. It's just hard not to be able to do what you're used to doing. The ability of being productive is such a blessing. Here's to hoping we return to that as soon as possible.

Future Plans

We dropped the boys off tonight for an event at the library. The girls had come with us because Layne was at a meeting. When we started back home, one of the girls mentioned that she missed the boys already. We started talking about spending time with family...and, the fact that all of them will eventually move out when they are adults. They weren't sure about the idea. I told them that their Dad and I would miss them when they were gone. I was reminded that by that time Layne will be gone and it would just be me that missed having the kids around that I get to spend time with each day. It sounded a bit lonely. I didn't mention anything to them about it. They might have asked why Dad would be gone and I'd have to explain about cancer and dying again. Instead, the conversation was turned to the future and the dreams they have for it. It'll be interesting to see what they choose.

Grateful for...

This morning I was reminded of being grateful for new flannel sheets as I climbed into bed last night, because I was grateful for them again this morning. It's one of the indications of fall and chilly weather for me to start using the flannel sheets again. Layne actually bought a new set just a week or so ago.
I was attempting to wake up (I always consider this my first accomplishment for the day...after years of practice, I'm still not very good at it.) and thought of the fact that I was grateful for one more day to wake up next to Layne. I'm so thankful that he's still around and we continue to have time together. It reminds me that when we first found out about his cancer...there was a good chance he was going to be gone by now. I'm glad that's not the case.
I know when our experience here on earth is over, it's not the end of who we are or our relationships. I also know that at this point my preference is to have my husband and father of our kids here with us. All of that seems like he would be so far away...for such a long time. When that time does come, I hope it still feels like he's near and that the time will seem to go by at a decent pace...not slowly, as if in a bad dream that won't end.
Time to be done...I'm crying and the kids need breakfast.

Hawaii or Bust

We're on the countdown for Hawaii!

Things we're looking forward to:
NO Snow
Spending Time Together
The Ocean
Relaxation
Making Memories
Walks on the Beach
The Full Experience

Things we will not miss:
Planning Meals
Doing Dishes
Scope and Sequence
Wool Socks

Thanks again to my siblings/their spouses for making it possible and to my parents for taking on the challenge of our children for the duration.

(Layne hasn't been feeling well today. We're hoping that he'll improve in the next day or two. It's the kind of 'not feeling well' that I would not force onto an airplane.)

Clues We Homeschool

Originally Written December 21, 2012

We have white boards and other school supplies in our front room.
We go to concerts in the middle of the 'school day'.
We plan our outings around when there will be fewer crowds.
We're used to people looking at us funny when we're out in public during the middle of the day.
We take breaks when we need them...not when the bell rings.
Our children like watching shows like 'American Ride', 'NOVA', and 'Mythbusters'.
A typical response when asked to join us; '...just one more page', or 'I'm almost done with the chapter.'.
We love all the free events/resources at the library. (We're a bit partial to free events in general.)
It's not unusual for our library cards to be 'maxed out'.
We love to go online and find out random (and not so random) information.
The kids love to pursue their own interests.
We read, write, and do math in real life ways. (Along with science, P.E., and art.)
There's no 'homework' in the evening.
We get excited about 'cool' resources.
We have our own inside jokes.
We get to be together.
Our family is stronger than it used to be.
We multi-task with hikes up the canyon or along the river taking in several curriculum topics.
It's amazing what kids learn when they don't even realize it.
 

God Bless Us...

...every one.
This past holiday season we felt a bit like 'Tiny Tim' in 'A Christmas Carol' by Dickens. It was a time when we could have felt like we didn't have much to celebrate. And yet, we felt the true meaning of the season manifest in all of those who were so generous, giving and kind hearted that we couldn't help but feel blessed and loved. We couldn't help but feel the true meaning of the season and the joy that comes as the love of Christ is shared.
We had a fabulous '12 Days of Christmas' experience. I can't recall ever being the recipient of such a thing. But, this year was different in so many ways. I mentioned in an earlier post that it took me a minute to register the reason might have something to do with my husband having cancer. (Duh!) We were so grateful! It was fun to watch the kids get excited about it. Amazing items kept rolling in every day. Thank you to whoever you are!! We will always remember.
It was odd to think that this might be the last Christmas with Layne around. I'm not convinced that it is...it's just a possibility. We didn't do anything different in the way we celebrated. I think I reflected more on traditions and family togetherness that happens around that time of year. There were also a couple of things that just never got done. We were busy with other things and I wanted to focus on spending time together. It seems a bit selfish now that I just articulated that. I'm hoping everyone understands. And for some odd reason I don't feel compelled to apologize. That is rather selfish. I guess it's a priority thing. We didn't have time for everything - so, we just went with what was important in that moment. I'm glad we did. I guess it's a bit like learning to say 'no' when you really need to.
Thank you to everyone that helped to make our season so memorable. We truly will remember and continually be grateful.

Grief

I read a book earlier this week by Anita Stansfield. (I won't share the title - that way the plot isn't ruined for you if it's one you are planning on reading.) Anyway. In the book, there's a man (husband/father) that has cancer. One of the points that is discussed among family members is that when you know someone has a terminal illness much of the grief (of being separated) from that person is felt and dealt with before they die. It gives you more time to work through the grief and plan for the person to be gone. In a way, you're more prepared. Another point brought up in the book was the idea that death was not feared, but it's the separation from loved ones that we're hesitant to deal with in our lives. Yes, I had a box of tissues close by while reading a novel about a husband and father dying of cancer.
I already knew these things, but hadn't really put a name to them. I'm actually glad that we get to know before he leaves that Layne is going to be gone. It would be so hard to work through everything all at once. The kids and I would have to get used to the idea of him being gone and work through the logistics all at the same time. This way, at least we can be as prepared as possible and be able to move on quicker. The hard part is still working through it. I feel like that's much of what we're doing now. Like today, I feel grief. It comes and goes. For me, it's more obvious when we've just found out another bend in the road we're on. I keep hoping that the road will just stop having so many bends in it. That it will be obvious as to what we need to do, that we'll be able to do it and at the end of all that we'll be able to move on with our lives together. Instead, we seem to have the winding road that doesn't end. In either case, I think Heavenly Father is asking for our faith. And really...it's the only thing that will help right now. I cannot imagine experiencing all of this without knowing about a greater plan. I would be an even bigger mess if I thought we'd never see Layne again.
Layne and I have talked about this and he says he's not afraid to die. He does feel anxious about leaving because he feels a great responsibility in taking care of our family. He also doesn't like the idea of being separated for awhile. But, it just might be how life goes.
We're learning more and more that life is fragile and we never really know the timing God has for our lives.