So after a few moments of feeling lighter and like I could conquer the world - not really - I was feeling that light, confident, and productive. But, I was also still in reality. I thought I was going to be prepared for the day. I wasn't. By the end of the day I was exhausted, frustrated, and feeling defeated. There are things to do, people to work with, and disappointments that come. Reality hits even harder when things get tough and there is no one to lean on at the end of the day.
Taking a moment...
I had to pause for a moment to cry and attempt to recognize if that's what I really meant. There were things that happened yesterday that were hard. I felt the demands and pressure of things needing to get done. There were things that didn't go as smoothly as I hoped or thought they would. I was thinking that the issues of the day were with current details and concerns. I didn't think about the possibility of underlying reasons. Duh. Maybe part of my struggle yesterday was feeling like I was making decisions on my own - even though there were people here to help. (Thankfully!) I have no 'partner in crime' anymore.
Teresa, you do have a partner in crime. He might not be physically there for you but Layne is there guiding you. Enjoy the moments, like the ones you shared in the previous posts, but also create a simple list of things you NEED to do in order to make it through the day. That list needs to include some of the dancing and playing and such with the kids. They are also now your partners in crime. They need the laughter and such as much as you buy also the serious and cry time.
ReplyDeleteThis is why I hate spending even one night away from home for work. It's hard to go to bed at night without my partner in crime. But, I also know that, while it will be harder to lean on him and to listen to him because he's not physically there, Layne is there for you. And, you can continue to have his companionship in this life. I also know that this is a big opportunity for your kids--esp. the boys to learn some valuable lessons as they step in and fill the role of priesthood holders in your home. Don't underestimate them. They do need to be kids; but, they are also growing up fast and can step in places where you relied on Layne in the past. They will rise to the occasion like you've never seen them rise before--they've had good examples and have learned. They can do it!
ReplyDeleteI very much agree with the comment above, and I also feel like your moment of feeling "light" was a glimpse, a tender mercy, an indication that life can and will get better. But of course right now you are faced with many, many demands and decisions. Lean on all of those who are more than happy and willing to help, as well as on God. Your eternal partner in crime is beyond the veil, but I am praying that as you find moments of stillness, you will still feel him close by. Continue to still lean on him. I think he will be glad of that. I'm sure he misses you too.
ReplyDeletePS And I'm sorry things didn't go as smoothly as you hoped. How I pray for that for you.