Anniversary

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. It was the first time I had to figure out a meaningful way to celebrate without having him here. It's been 19 years for us. It's a memorable time of year. We started dating around this time of year as well. We had met in the spring - but, it took him awhile to actually 'ask me out'. I remember our first date was ice skating. Sounded fun. I hadn't done much ice skating since I was a child. But, I was up for it nonetheless. I also remember him admitting that he didn't really know how to skate very well. I was actually impressed that he would invite me to do something with him where he knew he wasn't going to be showing off - and then there was the possibility of doing something embarrassing. It ended up being true. He didn't know how to skate. We had a good time. It has crossed my brain since then that he might have just wanted a good excuse for us to be close. It seems that with ice skating...the instinct is to cling to someone if you're unstable...and on the flip side...to 'catch' the other person as they are falling. It was probably all part of his plan. I would realize later that he is someone that plans ahead.
Part of yesterday wasn't very fun for me. I missed Layne. I had doubts. I was scared about the future. I let my train of thoughts run off track. Lesson learned. Although...no guarantees given. I might do it again someday. Grief is an odd thing. There are times it defies the reason that we might try to apply to it. It tends to act on its own.
Some of the good things about yesterday were: going to the temple (and finding one that was open on a Monday morning), messages from family and friends - some unexpected (people I hadn't heard from in awhile who felt like 'someone' wanted them to reach out), 'randomly' seeing a friend of ours from student housing days at the place I stopped for lunch, the kids letting me just have the day to process (and helping to boost my spirits in the end), people bringing by fun things - flowers had been delivered while I was at the temple...and later in the day items for dinner along with some bright flowers found their way to our door with hugs as a welcome addition. (I'm not even sure they knew it was our anniversary...the timing just 'worked out' that way.)
The temple I went to just happened to be the last place Layne and I had gone together. It was the last endowment session Layne had done. His parents and sisters were also with us. Great memory. I have a picture of the two of us in front of the temple for the picture that is on my phone. He looks so frail.
Looking back, there were things that happened that seemed to have been inspired. Like I stated previously - part of the day was really hard. But, in the end...I actually feel pretty good about it. I even ended it with watching an episode from a show that we had started watching together (Madam Secretary).