Honeymoon

Last night was tough. I realized that the 'honeymoon' was over. Obviously, having a spouse pass away is not as great as the day you marry them - so, it's not exactly the same. I'm just thinking about the grace period that you get when life events happen. The kids being born would be another example. There's a time when you're allowed to just 'check out' for a bit in order to get used to the newness of something in your life. I really felt last night that the time was up for me. I realized a couple of things have happened that let me know that others expected me to be 'on my feet' again. It's not like I expect others to give me some kind of 'free pass' for an indefinite period of time.
I also had a couple of personal thoughts that made me realize this is just how life is going to be for me. I'm going to be the one that gets to be in charge of everything all at once - with no spouse to give any kind of support of even encouragement. I realize others have offered to help. It's appreciated. But, it's just not the same. I also get to be the one to ask others to help. At the same time...I know I can't ask others to help with every little thing.
I know I've said that Layne has been close by at times. But, I didn't feel that last night. I even started to think crazy, 'what if...' kinds of things. Such as, what if Layne needed to be done with his earth experience because there's really someone else that had waited long enough for him to return. And, that's who he's really supposed to be with instead of me. When I try to think about it logically - I know he'd be frustrated with me for thinking those things. It's just hard to move forward and get it out of my mind. I know we've made covenants and he honors those - I just can't shake some of my thoughts.
I feel like there's so much to do and so many things I'm not getting done. Maybe it's just all starting to really get to me. I don't want to be alone. But, at the same time...I agree with the kids...my getting married again seems 'weird'. I would feel like I would be betraying Layne. He said that he would be okay with it if that's what would make me the most happy. It just doesn't feel right. At least not right now. I might change my mind in a few years. I don't know. It would just seem odd to commit to someone else. The idea of even dating seems creepy to me right now. That sounded a little like a young tween not quite ready to try out the dating scene. Maybe I should be adult about it and say that the idea makes me feel uncomfortable.
I feel like I'm supposed to be jumping into reality more. I should be accomplishing more - for myself and with the kids. We should be able to be more efficient by now. I should be okay with being in charge - even when so many things keep breaking and I get to be the one that fixes them. And that's just the things we own. That doesn't even begin to take in the scope of the people involved. I really want what's best for the kids and I. Yes. I realize I'm giving myself too many 'shoulds'.