I had a rough past 24 hours. It all started with running into the dishwasher and being down for the count on the floor. I'm sure my ego and gash on my leg will heal. The dishwasher door was actually bent. I tried to bend it back. We tried it today and it seems to function. While I was on the floor I started a bit of a pity party. I didn't know why my husband had to leave. There was no one to come and help me. (Although, one of my thoughtful sons came in the kitchen and tried. One of my daughters tried to come and comfort me too. For some reason it just didn't work for me at the time. I let them know I was grateful. But, inside I felt like it just wasn't the same.) I was upset about how unfair life is...I realized my new life was always having to be the one to fix things - especially tricky when 'everything' seems to keep breaking. I also get to the be one to make sure everything gets done for the family and around the house/yard. I was really feeling down about my situation.
I went to the temple this morning and it wasn't the experience that I hoped it would be. I was struggling. I didn't know why Layne had to leave. I was hoping to feel his presence there. It didn't really happen. I had a hard time for a good portion of the day.
Tonight...I joked with the kids during dinner. The words, 'don't pay no mind to the demons - they fill you with fear', came into my mind. I have listened to the song often enough to recognize the quote. I also knew right then that Layne was trying to tell me to stop being upset about all the hard things. If I obsess about them - they will bring fear. Maybe that's why today was hard. I was so concerned about how hard things are and how the future is going to work out that I wasn't paying attention to some of the good things in my life - like kids that I enjoy hanging out with during dinner. Of course, the first thing I did when I had the chance was head to YouTube to play the 'Home' song (Phillip Phillips) that had come to my mind earlier. Thanks Layne for the reminder. I think he was trying to tell me something all day - and last night. I was so consumed that I wasn't listening. A lot of tears that didn't need to be shed. A lot of worry over nothing. Well, sort of nothing. I still think most of the things I was worried about are real concerns. Some weren't. I think back on it now and can picture Layne rolling his eyes. I really think he doesn't want me to panic. There will be hard things - there are hard things to work through - but, I think he really just wants me to remember that if I just work on things a little bit a time and keep going that's the best I can do. I don't need to accomplish everything all at once. I need to try and not go crazy about all the things that need to be done. I will stop there or I will start thinking about it too much and then I'll start listening to the demons so to speak.
I am so sad to hear this--and on your anniversary, no less! I am glad those song lyrics came into your head as a message from Layne. I can relate to your line, "a lot of tears that didn't need to be shed." Sometimes I, too, even though my situation is different, cry a lot of tears and worry so much about things that I don't need to worry about it. It's sometimes hard to find peace and calm. I agree Layne doesn't want you to panic but just to move forward one day at a time. I also know how hard that is sometimes! Thank goodness you do have your wonderful and loving kids! Know how many prayers are said for you daily by lots of friends and family. I hope you are able to feel little bits and pieces of peace. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteThat sounds hard. I think it's okay to feel down some days. Layne is right about not obsessing, but having a hard day is okay, expected even. I think it would be worse to not let yourself feel these honest and raw feelings. Let them out feel them all the way. You always come out stronger. I'm impressed with all your strength. Thank you for your example and faith.
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