Point At You

This is another one that reminds me of Layne. He introduced the song to me. I just had to do the link instead of the actual video...wouldn't work for me. It's a Justin Moore song called 'Point at You'. He told me I was better at representing us in public than he was...I was the one that made us look good...the 'better half'. I don't know about that. It's fun to have the memory of being on a date and having this song come on...he would sing it in his twangy voice and point at me on cue.

Growing Old Together

We were listening to this song when Megan asked, "Do you think Dad ever misses us?". She brought me out of my thoughts where the lyrics talk about growing old together. Finding out you have cancer at age forty is not growing old together. Layne dying two days after his forty fourth birthday...that's not growing old together. By that point, he was hoping to 'be done' before his birthday. I remember he waited for me to come home the afternoon he passed away. He was so ready to be done...but, not without saying good-bye and telling me he loved me one last time...a testament of his commitment and grit all at the same time. Whenever my mind wanders to what the future might have been...it feels a bit unfair. Life is different knowing you'll be growing old all on your own. I am aware that others have done it...and it will continue to be done...it's just not what the plan was supposed to be. There's just remembering when...

No Idea

I had to listen to this one again tonight. Life is hard. I'm really feeling that tonight. There are so many times I have to admit that I have no idea what I'm doing. I occasionally wonder why Layne had to leave - or why I'm the one that's still here. I'm still trying to figure it all out. I'm trying to find my purpose and what I'm supposed to do next...along with trying to just do the day to day. I'm not even doing that very well. Being a single parent is hard. Trying to figure out the future for five people is hard. I truthfully have no idea what I'm doing. I know that someone does...I just haven't been clued into the agenda yet. It feels like there should be some sort of itinerary and there's not. So, I do things like listen to songs that remind me that I have a purpose after the kids have all gone to bed...except for one that is determined to stay up later than me tonight. (It was so much easier to have 'my' time when I decided the bed time. Teenagers.) Here's to hoping I get clued in soon.

Conversation Prompts

So, yesterday I heard the kids play this one a few times.

I like this song. It reminds me of Layne and being able to see him again. I was curious as to their interest in the song. Jonny said it was his new 'jam'. (He says that just about every time he finds a new song he likes.:}) I asked the kids what the interest was...telling them that it reminds me of their dad. They said it reminded them of him too. Well, Megan and Jonny did...I think the others were in agreement.
I asked the kids what they remembered about their dad. I feel like we don't talk about him a whole lot. He'll come up in conversations...but, it's usually not a conversation in and of itself. Here are some of the things mentioned. The girls both remember him laying downstairs watching shows. Megan says it's weird not to hear country music and TV shows coming from downstairs anymore. Jonny remembered some of the same regarding how things were towards the end. Jacob says he remembers, "Dad being a crazy busy college student.". That comment reminded the others about going to the lab with dad and getting to spend time with him...and have a chance to see all the cool equipment. Jonny also made a comment about remembering him towards the end because that's when they had the most time to spend with him because he wasn't going to work or anything.
At some point in the conversation, I asked about whether it was hard for them to remember their dad before the end of his life. That's when they said some things about when we lived in student housing - when we considered him to be healthy. I also got to the point of my having a hard time remembering him as healthy after he first died. I had to put effort into remembering the guy that was a runner and had muscles. That started them talking about dad not having very much hair...and reminiscing about our wedding pictures where he has quite a bit of hair and I have longer hair that was actually styled fancy. Layne kept his hair short for years. So, I'm sure that's why they remember that about him.

Making a Home

I've been listening to some music today. The song 'Home' by Phillip Phillips is a favorite these days. Today I remembered to experience I had when I first heard the song. I thought of an experience I had in the temple earlier that day that told me Layne was preparing for our family to eventually join him. The word 'home' had been part of the message I took away from the experience. While I was thinking about that - the thought came to me 'you need to be making a home'. I guess I better raise the bar around here. I feel like I need to do better about making this a place where the kids and I can accomplish what we need to do, where others feel good about being here, and a place where the Spirit can dwell. So, while I feel like he's building a home - I'll be here making one.

Music and Movies

Today was a pretty good day. I still seem to be tired. But, just pushed through anyway. Whatever. We had a chance to listen to music together and get a couple of other things done today. I love how music sets a fun tone in the house and gets the kids talking. Tonight at dinner we talked about Layne and some of the music he liked. The kids laughed as they told about the songs he would sing along to and lines he would quote from movies. Silly really. But, fun to remember. I guess I should write them down sometime.

Twenty-Four Hours

I had a rough past 24 hours. It all started with running into the dishwasher and being down for the count on the floor. I'm sure my ego and gash on my leg will heal. The dishwasher door was actually bent. I tried to bend it back. We tried it today and it seems to function. While I was on the floor I started a bit of a pity party. I didn't know why my husband had to leave. There was no one to come and help me. (Although, one of my thoughtful sons came in the kitchen and tried. One of my daughters tried to come and comfort me too. For some reason it just didn't work for me at the time. I let them know I was grateful. But, inside I felt like it just wasn't the same.) I was upset about how unfair life is...I realized my new life was always having to be the one to fix things - especially tricky when 'everything' seems to keep breaking. I also get to the be one to make sure everything gets done for the family and around the house/yard. I was really feeling down about my situation.
I went to the temple this morning and it wasn't the experience that I hoped it would be. I was struggling. I didn't know why Layne had to leave. I was hoping to feel his presence there. It didn't really happen. I had a hard time for a good portion of the day.
Tonight...I joked with the kids during dinner. The words, 'don't pay no mind to the demons - they fill you with fear', came into my mind. I have listened to the song often enough to recognize the quote. I also knew right then that Layne was trying to tell me to stop being upset about all the hard things. If I obsess about them - they will bring fear. Maybe that's why today was hard. I was so concerned about how hard things are and how the future is going to work out that I wasn't paying attention to some of the good things in my life - like kids that I enjoy hanging out with during dinner. Of course, the first thing I did when I had the chance was head to YouTube to play the 'Home' song (Phillip Phillips) that had come to my mind earlier. Thanks Layne for the reminder. I think he was trying to tell me something all day - and last night. I was so consumed that I wasn't listening. A lot of tears that didn't need to be shed. A lot of worry over nothing. Well, sort of nothing. I still think most of the things I was worried about are real concerns. Some weren't. I think back on it now and can picture Layne rolling his eyes. I really think he doesn't want me to panic. There will be hard things - there are hard things to work through - but, I think he really just wants me to remember that if I just work on things a little bit a time and keep going that's the best I can do. I don't need to accomplish everything all at once. I need to try and not go crazy about all the things that need to be done. I will stop there or I will start thinking about it too much and then I'll start listening to the demons so to speak.

Bring Him Home

This song. I have been thinking about this one lately. There are several reasons. I was reminded this past week about the great experience I had to see this performed live. Anything from Les Mis also reminds me of the opportunities I had to see my sister perform (Eponine) when she traveled with the show. Of course - there's also the question - who doesn't love Les Mis and this song?
One of the biggest reasons I was bawling while listening to this song earlier today was because of an experience I had this past summer while we were in Nauvoo, IL. We were there for a family reunion and some of us had gone to a show that included this song. The show was about families and how things continue on through time. As you can imagine...I was already feeling tender about the whole thing. Then it happened. The performer on the stage was singing this song as he always had and I heard the words, "You need to let him go.". I immediately grabbed one of the two tissues that was already useless by this time. Right then I knew there would be no miraculous healing. Layne would be leaving us and it was going to happen seemingly sooner rather than later. That might have been enough for the waterworks - but, then I started to wonder if there were things I was doing or saying that made it so my husband felt like he couldn't give in to the cancer and be done. Was I holding him back? Everyone knows he's a fighter. But, did I have anything to do with his need to stay even longer? So many questions. I didn't want to be the one causing more pain than he was already experiencing. I had to just give in and let go - completely. I had to be okay with it. I had to do more than just say, "If you're going to take him - it'll be alright.". I was required to give him up - to put him on the alter so to speak. It was a real test.

Headstone Part Three

So, here's a picture of the paper version of the headstone. I'm going to take a line from a movie and say, "Le me 'splain.".

I got to the location of our meeting without knowing exactly what to put on the headstone. I felt like I should have been more prepared and yet I wasn't sure how to do that. I had thought about some things that might work. But, didn't have anything that I felt sure about at the time. I had discussed it with Layne. I had a general idea of what he didn't want...you know, the usual.:} He pretty much left it to me and what I wanted to do. I think he just didn't really want to decide. I had asked the kids about it too. I told them a couple of ideas. They said they were good with the idea of having their names on it. (I had to promise Jonny that we would use the nick name he's used to instead of his 'full name'.) The names of the kids might have been something I would have put on the back - but, we have a flat stone as per the cemetery requirements.
I got there and looked at some of the samples. I chose the type of stone. Then I started looking through the books they have with so many different examples. My 'too many options' brain started to get a little frazzled. I had brought in a piece of paper that I had written a couple of things on - our names, dates, the kids names...
As I was looking through the books I noticed the music staff and knew it had to be a part of what was done. The gal that was helping me had already asked some things about what we like in order to get some ideas going and decisions made - as soon as possible - because I'm good at making hasty decisions. (Whatever.) We talked a little bit about running and writing...about being a mom. All of those are good things - just didn't feel right. So, I was excited when something clearly was the right thing to put on it. I just realized that everything on here has more than one meaning. Maybe the items mentioned earlier had too much to do with us individually. I realized that I wanted something to represent us. I wanted things that meant something. I knew Layne wanted each item to have a purpose. You don't waste space when it's something so permanent that has the possibility for so much meaning.
So back to the musical staff. Music is something that is important to both of us individually and is very much a part of our relationship. (I wanted to make sure I used present tense there because all I have to do is hear a song and he's present.) We spent time enjoying and making music while he was here. I don't see a reason to stop doing that.
One of the last things I decided was the temple. I wasn't sure I wanted it on there. Would there be room? Would it be too 'cheesy'? Layne didn't like cheesy and I'm not sure I'm a fan either. The temple is important to us. I don't mean to slight the meaning of the temple and the things that happen there. In fact, it's because of the covenants we've made that I have had an easier time of all this than I would have otherwise had if he were to just be gone - with no more connections. The temple is important. I just didn't want to do it because it's a common thing to do. I decided to go with the Oakland Temple because that's where we were married and sealed together. I think part of the reason I did that was for the reminder of eternal families. I don't know if it's something I would have put on there if both of us had grown old together. I think there would have been something about the gospel - because that is a very big part of our lives. I just don't know if it would have been a temple. But, because Layne died with enough time for me to feel a need to remember that we are still a family, I decided to have it be a part of what was important. The gal asked if I wanted to put on a phrase surrounding the temple - many people put on 'families are forever' or something similar. I didn't feel the need to go along with the trend. I knew the temple represented that message. I also knew Layne would have wanted to stay away from a trend at all costs.:}
Layne and I had talked a couple of times about the choice between a beach house and a cabin in the mountains. I was curious. It's supposed to say something about who you are - because I place importance on things like that - not really...just fun to think about sometimes. I think I brought it up because I can never quite decide. I love the idea of both. I'm not sure what that's supposed to say about me. Maybe it says I just want to have it all. Maybe it states that I have a hard time making decisions. Maybe I was bringing it up so we could secretly figure out a way to have both. There was no question with Layne. He didn't even need to vocalize that he would choose the beach house. I just already knew. I would have loved for us to get back to San Diego or the Bay Area just one more time. I thought of that and realized that it would be great to do something that combined the ocean and the mountains. One of the reasons I liked the idea is because it represents the places we have lived together. I also like that it's a statement about our relationship. We are different in so many ways and yet still share a togetherness. Maybe it's the yin/yang idea...two making one whole. Maybe it's opposites attract. I thought it was a good way to show different but the same. We are equals. We are one. Ok. Moving on. I felt great about using the ocean and mountain combination. They started out with a palm tree with the ocean and pine tree immediately in front of mountains (that looked more like hills). It didn't feel quite right. The palm tree reminded me too much of Hawaii. I love it there and I will be forever grateful for the opportunity we had to go together. (Thanks again family.) It's just that when I think of us at the beach together (which mostly includes several locations on both coasts of the USA and Mexico) - I don't think of palm trees. There are palm trees in some of those places. I just remember times together on the beach including the sand, waves, birds, cliffs, the sun, and each other. I requested something without the palm tree. They came up with what is now there. The pine tree was next. I asked if they had anything that looked more like large mountains instead of hills. I got a no on that one. (I'm sure I sounded a little more diplomatic about it at the time.) I then had the idea of aspens pop into my head. I asked about those and they came up with putting the aspens in front of the mountains and moving the mountains higher up on the surface - funny how that made them look more like mountains. It made me happy...so I went with it. It made me think of wishing we had spent more time in the mountains together - it also made me remember the wish to get Layne to The Ranch one more time. It felt important so I kept it that way. Those are just some of the rambling...tumbling thoughts that I had about the ocean and mountains. It felt like a good way to show balance. I especially think that as I see them on opposite sides and think about how the eye is brought from one corner to the other as well.
I decided to make it more unique by only doing the 'scroll' for our last name. The others I saw did the individual names and dates that way as well. I noticed later that everything else fits so much better the way it's done now.
The headstone will be placed facing east. It will be seen from the 'street' in the cemetery. Layne is buried on the south side. I will be on the north. I was pleased that's the way it worked out. It reminds me of the 'sides' we took as slept each night. I'm glad I'll be in the right spot.:} It's odd how many seemingly random things come to mind.
Well...that ended up being longer than I'd originally thought. I wanted to make sure I got the background in there. There's a meaning and reason behind all of it. I feel really good about it. I'm looking forward to seeing it when it's placed.

Musical Note

We have been listening to some music tonight. After a bit - the kids started listening to a couple of 'covers' for songs that are familiar. One of them was Phillip Phillips' 'Home'. It started and Megan stated, "Mom always cries on this one.". Jonny was about to change it. I was in another room and told them to leave it where it was - so we could listen to the whole song. I will listen every time. And, just to be clear...I really don't cry every time.
I have spent part of the evening realizing how much listening to accapella is such a family thing for us. Thanks Layne. It was definitely one of his favorite genres.

Thank You Phillip Phillips

I was listening to the previously posted song on YouTube. The following song was this one. I had another Aha Moment. (That really is a term in psychology - your trivial for the day - you're welcome.) Okay, maybe it was just a realization that we're still a team. He's still aware of me. He's still mine.

Musical Messages

This. On the way home from taking the boys to Debate the other day this song came on the radio. It was the first time I paid attention to the lyrics. It felt like Layne's song for me - especially the beginning - I might have been trying not to cry too much - there were tears behind the sunglasses - but, someone had to drive - I didn't catch some of the lyrics at the end. I was already feeling like he was close. I had an experience earlier where I felt like he was speaking to me. There were also other thoughts I had when I was in the temple earlier in the day that helped me to be grateful for him and our commitments. I thought it fit in well with who Layne is...him and his music.

Already There

'I'm Already There' by Lonestar

This was my song for Layne when he was in Albuquerque for weeks at a time (several years ago). It came out in 2004 and ended up being turned into a song for all of the soldiers heading out to Iraq and Iran. (Good marketing thought, right?) It was played quite a bit on the radio. I heard it today and thought about how it could be a song for when Layne is gone. He'll always be with us.

This is the only video I could find that was about being away from home missing your family instead of military personal leaving/returning home. (I'm not saying that's not important - just saying it wasn't our situation - thankfully.) 

I like the picture in here with the mom, two boys and the little baby. Our boys were young and Megan had just been born that past spring. We got to see him every other week-end...sort of...he still had obligations on campus. He would get home Thursday evening, go to campus for a long day on Friday and then be on campus again Saturday morning and sometimes into the afternoon. We would spend time as a family, do a date night and church on Sunday. We took him back to the airport Sunday afternoons and then wait for over a week and a half for him to come home again. He was always amazed at Megan's growth each time he saw her.