In the last post I went straight to my thoughts at the time of Megan's question. Maybe I'll continue with that conversation now. It reminded me of when Rachel and I were talking and I really felt like Layne wanted me to let her know that he missed her before she left the room at the end of our conversation. (I'm not sure I've posted that one yet. I'll need to check.) Megan asking if her Dad ever missed us was tender. I'm glad they think about their dad. Her actual question was really about whether I had ever thought of that before. I think she was just being curious and wanted to start a conversation.
We talked about Dad being gone...about him leaving...about all of us still being here...how we at least still have each other. Yes, I think he misses us. I told her about my realization a little while ago that he does miss us. (That might be another one I haven't posted yet.)
There are times I wish things were different - but, they're not. Layne is gone and we are here. So, we're all just trying to make the best of it. I know he is...not sure how...but, somehow I just know he's busier than he's ever been and he thinks that's a good thing. He'll always be known as a 'doer'.
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Showing posts with label Conversations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Conversations. Show all posts
Friday, July 1, 2016
Monday, March 14, 2016
Conversation Prompts
So, yesterday I heard the kids play this one a few times.
I like this song. It reminds me of Layne and being able to see him again. I was curious as to their interest in the song. Jonny said it was his new 'jam'. (He says that just about every time he finds a new song he likes.:}) I asked the kids what the interest was...telling them that it reminds me of their dad. They said it reminded them of him too. Well, Megan and Jonny did...I think the others were in agreement.
I asked the kids what they remembered about their dad. I feel like we don't talk about him a whole lot. He'll come up in conversations...but, it's usually not a conversation in and of itself. Here are some of the things mentioned. The girls both remember him laying downstairs watching shows. Megan says it's weird not to hear country music and TV shows coming from downstairs anymore. Jonny remembered some of the same regarding how things were towards the end. Jacob says he remembers, "Dad being a crazy busy college student.". That comment reminded the others about going to the lab with dad and getting to spend time with him...and have a chance to see all the cool equipment. Jonny also made a comment about remembering him towards the end because that's when they had the most time to spend with him because he wasn't going to work or anything.
At some point in the conversation, I asked about whether it was hard for them to remember their dad before the end of his life. That's when they said some things about when we lived in student housing - when we considered him to be healthy. I also got to the point of my having a hard time remembering him as healthy after he first died. I had to put effort into remembering the guy that was a runner and had muscles. That started them talking about dad not having very much hair...and reminiscing about our wedding pictures where he has quite a bit of hair and I have longer hair that was actually styled fancy. Layne kept his hair short for years. So, I'm sure that's why they remember that about him.
I like this song. It reminds me of Layne and being able to see him again. I was curious as to their interest in the song. Jonny said it was his new 'jam'. (He says that just about every time he finds a new song he likes.:}) I asked the kids what the interest was...telling them that it reminds me of their dad. They said it reminded them of him too. Well, Megan and Jonny did...I think the others were in agreement.
I asked the kids what they remembered about their dad. I feel like we don't talk about him a whole lot. He'll come up in conversations...but, it's usually not a conversation in and of itself. Here are some of the things mentioned. The girls both remember him laying downstairs watching shows. Megan says it's weird not to hear country music and TV shows coming from downstairs anymore. Jonny remembered some of the same regarding how things were towards the end. Jacob says he remembers, "Dad being a crazy busy college student.". That comment reminded the others about going to the lab with dad and getting to spend time with him...and have a chance to see all the cool equipment. Jonny also made a comment about remembering him towards the end because that's when they had the most time to spend with him because he wasn't going to work or anything.
At some point in the conversation, I asked about whether it was hard for them to remember their dad before the end of his life. That's when they said some things about when we lived in student housing - when we considered him to be healthy. I also got to the point of my having a hard time remembering him as healthy after he first died. I had to put effort into remembering the guy that was a runner and had muscles. That started them talking about dad not having very much hair...and reminiscing about our wedding pictures where he has quite a bit of hair and I have longer hair that was actually styled fancy. Layne kept his hair short for years. So, I'm sure that's why they remember that about him.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Letting Go
I talked with Layne last night about letting go. He needs to feel that it's okay to die. We've had several conversations on the topic. He doesn't want to just give up. He seems to think that if he lets himself die he's not fighting to the end. He has connected that with having faith. In order to show faith - he needs to keep going. I don't agree completely. Faith is important. Yes. I agree with that part. I don't think the only way for him to show faith is to stick around indefinitely. I don't want him to die. What I do want is for him to feel good about the path he has traveled, accept his reality, and feel at peace with completing his mortal experience.
I know none of this has anything to do with what I want...but, that is what I want for him. Well, I want that mostly for him. I want it partly for me. I don't like watching him feel frustrated with all of the things he's not able to do. I don't want to witness someone I love being in pain anymore. I don't like watching him feel 'stuck' because his body and mind aren't cooperating. What I really want is what's best for him.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Newest Development
We have more news. This time it was not about Layne's cancer...it was about his work.
Several people were laid off on Wednesday. Layne was asked into 'the office' and was told that they would not be able to match his disability pay anymore. (At least until things turned around financially for the company.) The employees met on Thursday and were assured that those that were there would all be staying. Later that afternoon, Layne spoke with the gal in HR. (She had been laid off the day before and will be staying through the month. She was going to talk with him on Wednesday, but was apparently a bit emotional and took the rest of the day off.) She explained a few more things and made the reality of the scenario sound much worse than it really is right now. She told Layne that he needed to take full time disability leave, that disability insurance would cover 60% of his salary, the Family Medical Leave Act will be terminated in a month and at that time, he could legally be laid off. The disability insurance would still be in place until his chemo was finished, but...with the possibility of being laid off in November...he might not have a job after his disability leave. We would need to sign up for Cobra for our health insurance (with a monthly payment). If he was lucky, he might still have a job and be able to return when the chemo treatments were completed. He asked if he could come in on Friday to finish up a couple of things. And, would working next week be a problem if he needed more time to complete a couple of things? (They're close to marketing the current product he's working on...it was quite possible he was going to need to work a few hours on the week-end in order to have everything ready for a group next week.) She told him that she would OK working on Friday with management...but, that he really needed to not come in the following week, or they could lay him off at that point. When he came home and told me about it. It sounded a little off. It was hard for me to believe some of it because this company is one of those 'just plain good people' kind of places. People are kind, give each other the benefit of the doubt and work well together. Moral is usually pretty high (except when there's a lay off). So, when he told me some of the news...I was a little mad. I couldn't believe they'd just say..."Go on, leave. And, make sure you take your stuff with you because you're probably not coming back." Seriously? They had always been so kind and accommodating. And now, they were kicking out the guy doing chemo! I then cried on his shoulder for about 30 seconds, and moved on pretty quickly. We talked just long enough for dinner to burn and the boys to finish their piano lessons with grandma while the girls were doing their 'calendar binders' with grandpa. (So great to have them here each week. We don't know what we're going to do when their mission is over.)
The real scenario came to light when Layne spoke with some of the management on Friday. Yes, he was asked to go on Disability Leave until his chemo is finished. It will be cheaper for them because his pay will come through the disability insurance instead of through the company. They have no intentions of laying him off in November. When Layne stated that detail, he kind of chuckled. Apparently, several of the others in management (some of Layne's closest friends at work) were all surprised when he asked about it. They told him that he was a great employee and needed him to come back so he could continue work on the project they're attempting to send to market. It's always nice to hear praise. He felt appreciated and relieved all at the same time.
So, the real deal is that he's going to be home for a few months. We'll be receiving 60% of his salary and we're thinking he'll still have a job in January (or February) when the doctors give him the green light for work after his chemo is complete.
We are very thankful. The reduced pay is not ideal. But, we've lived off less...not fun...but, we're thinking it's 'doable'. It will be similar to when we first moved into our home and Layne was doing a Post Doc. Right now, I'm glad we chose to purchase a home that fit with the salary of a Post Doc...instead of going with a salary that he 'could' be making at some point. So, instead of paying a little extra each month on the mortgage...we'll go back to just paying it off for the next few months.
A couple of items we talked about during that first conversation were the possible good things that could come out of this. Layne had the idea that maybe he doesn't have as long as we thought he had and this will be a good chance for him to spend time with the kids. I was glad we were homeschooling. The kids will actually be around for him to see. I also thought of the fact that he could help with some of the curriculum...math and science maybe. Oh...and if there are two people working on my 'to do' list, it might actually get done. Maybe. Layne was also aware that he needed to have a real plan for what he was going to accomplish. Otherwise, he feels like he'll squander too much time and regret it. (We went over some things today.) We're looking forward to some time together as a family. I almost wish there wasn't a need for it, but here we are. We also thought of the fact that I might be able to work on some 'income for the future' options. One of the guys at work to Layne that he could pick up with the homeschooling and I could start working. Hmm...not sure that's the first option I would go with...I don't quite see Layne and homeschooling four kids meshing.
Layne and I have different styles in just about everything...so, it'll be interesting to see how things work out. Maybe this is another opportunity for us to work together better. We're so used to taking on our own roles...should be interesting.
Several people were laid off on Wednesday. Layne was asked into 'the office' and was told that they would not be able to match his disability pay anymore. (At least until things turned around financially for the company.) The employees met on Thursday and were assured that those that were there would all be staying. Later that afternoon, Layne spoke with the gal in HR. (She had been laid off the day before and will be staying through the month. She was going to talk with him on Wednesday, but was apparently a bit emotional and took the rest of the day off.) She explained a few more things and made the reality of the scenario sound much worse than it really is right now. She told Layne that he needed to take full time disability leave, that disability insurance would cover 60% of his salary, the Family Medical Leave Act will be terminated in a month and at that time, he could legally be laid off. The disability insurance would still be in place until his chemo was finished, but...with the possibility of being laid off in November...he might not have a job after his disability leave. We would need to sign up for Cobra for our health insurance (with a monthly payment). If he was lucky, he might still have a job and be able to return when the chemo treatments were completed. He asked if he could come in on Friday to finish up a couple of things. And, would working next week be a problem if he needed more time to complete a couple of things? (They're close to marketing the current product he's working on...it was quite possible he was going to need to work a few hours on the week-end in order to have everything ready for a group next week.) She told him that she would OK working on Friday with management...but, that he really needed to not come in the following week, or they could lay him off at that point. When he came home and told me about it. It sounded a little off. It was hard for me to believe some of it because this company is one of those 'just plain good people' kind of places. People are kind, give each other the benefit of the doubt and work well together. Moral is usually pretty high (except when there's a lay off). So, when he told me some of the news...I was a little mad. I couldn't believe they'd just say..."Go on, leave. And, make sure you take your stuff with you because you're probably not coming back." Seriously? They had always been so kind and accommodating. And now, they were kicking out the guy doing chemo! I then cried on his shoulder for about 30 seconds, and moved on pretty quickly. We talked just long enough for dinner to burn and the boys to finish their piano lessons with grandma while the girls were doing their 'calendar binders' with grandpa. (So great to have them here each week. We don't know what we're going to do when their mission is over.)
The real scenario came to light when Layne spoke with some of the management on Friday. Yes, he was asked to go on Disability Leave until his chemo is finished. It will be cheaper for them because his pay will come through the disability insurance instead of through the company. They have no intentions of laying him off in November. When Layne stated that detail, he kind of chuckled. Apparently, several of the others in management (some of Layne's closest friends at work) were all surprised when he asked about it. They told him that he was a great employee and needed him to come back so he could continue work on the project they're attempting to send to market. It's always nice to hear praise. He felt appreciated and relieved all at the same time.
So, the real deal is that he's going to be home for a few months. We'll be receiving 60% of his salary and we're thinking he'll still have a job in January (or February) when the doctors give him the green light for work after his chemo is complete.
We are very thankful. The reduced pay is not ideal. But, we've lived off less...not fun...but, we're thinking it's 'doable'. It will be similar to when we first moved into our home and Layne was doing a Post Doc. Right now, I'm glad we chose to purchase a home that fit with the salary of a Post Doc...instead of going with a salary that he 'could' be making at some point. So, instead of paying a little extra each month on the mortgage...we'll go back to just paying it off for the next few months.
A couple of items we talked about during that first conversation were the possible good things that could come out of this. Layne had the idea that maybe he doesn't have as long as we thought he had and this will be a good chance for him to spend time with the kids. I was glad we were homeschooling. The kids will actually be around for him to see. I also thought of the fact that he could help with some of the curriculum...math and science maybe. Oh...and if there are two people working on my 'to do' list, it might actually get done. Maybe. Layne was also aware that he needed to have a real plan for what he was going to accomplish. Otherwise, he feels like he'll squander too much time and regret it. (We went over some things today.) We're looking forward to some time together as a family. I almost wish there wasn't a need for it, but here we are. We also thought of the fact that I might be able to work on some 'income for the future' options. One of the guys at work to Layne that he could pick up with the homeschooling and I could start working. Hmm...not sure that's the first option I would go with...I don't quite see Layne and homeschooling four kids meshing.
Layne and I have different styles in just about everything...so, it'll be interesting to see how things work out. Maybe this is another opportunity for us to work together better. We're so used to taking on our own roles...should be interesting.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Warm and Fuzzy
The surgeon (Dr. Sklow) that took out part of Layne's colon is not known for being 'warm and fuzzy'. We had heard that from several people and continue to hear it. I think he's great. I love that he took out all the cancer he could see. I really like that he listens. When I spoke with him after the surgery, it was just the two of us. He waited after asking me if I had any other questions. When I did ask questions, he made sure I understood the answer. He was very much engaged in the conversation. There was no feeling of him being in a hurry or needing to be somewhere more important. He showed me pictures of Layne's colon and surrounding area that he had taken with his ipod. I now know what it's like to see cancer inside someone you love. Kind of cool actually. How many people can say that? You know someone truly wants you to understand when they look you in the eye and ask if you understand what they're saying. I got the message that he knew it would take time to process what I was being told. But, I appreciate that he took the time to talk to me. It's a conversation I feel good about...not because of the content - but, rather in spite of the content. I knew he wasn't able to get emotionally involved in every patient's story and yet I felt a human side of him that came out as I knew he really wanted me to know what was going on and that they really had done all they could. I was given the impression that he truly wanted a cure and that he was determined to have things work out for us.
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