Headstone Part Three

So, here's a picture of the paper version of the headstone. I'm going to take a line from a movie and say, "Le me 'splain.".

I got to the location of our meeting without knowing exactly what to put on the headstone. I felt like I should have been more prepared and yet I wasn't sure how to do that. I had thought about some things that might work. But, didn't have anything that I felt sure about at the time. I had discussed it with Layne. I had a general idea of what he didn't want...you know, the usual.:} He pretty much left it to me and what I wanted to do. I think he just didn't really want to decide. I had asked the kids about it too. I told them a couple of ideas. They said they were good with the idea of having their names on it. (I had to promise Jonny that we would use the nick name he's used to instead of his 'full name'.) The names of the kids might have been something I would have put on the back - but, we have a flat stone as per the cemetery requirements.
I got there and looked at some of the samples. I chose the type of stone. Then I started looking through the books they have with so many different examples. My 'too many options' brain started to get a little frazzled. I had brought in a piece of paper that I had written a couple of things on - our names, dates, the kids names...
As I was looking through the books I noticed the music staff and knew it had to be a part of what was done. The gal that was helping me had already asked some things about what we like in order to get some ideas going and decisions made - as soon as possible - because I'm good at making hasty decisions. (Whatever.) We talked a little bit about running and writing...about being a mom. All of those are good things - just didn't feel right. So, I was excited when something clearly was the right thing to put on it. I just realized that everything on here has more than one meaning. Maybe the items mentioned earlier had too much to do with us individually. I realized that I wanted something to represent us. I wanted things that meant something. I knew Layne wanted each item to have a purpose. You don't waste space when it's something so permanent that has the possibility for so much meaning.
So back to the musical staff. Music is something that is important to both of us individually and is very much a part of our relationship. (I wanted to make sure I used present tense there because all I have to do is hear a song and he's present.) We spent time enjoying and making music while he was here. I don't see a reason to stop doing that.
One of the last things I decided was the temple. I wasn't sure I wanted it on there. Would there be room? Would it be too 'cheesy'? Layne didn't like cheesy and I'm not sure I'm a fan either. The temple is important to us. I don't mean to slight the meaning of the temple and the things that happen there. In fact, it's because of the covenants we've made that I have had an easier time of all this than I would have otherwise had if he were to just be gone - with no more connections. The temple is important. I just didn't want to do it because it's a common thing to do. I decided to go with the Oakland Temple because that's where we were married and sealed together. I think part of the reason I did that was for the reminder of eternal families. I don't know if it's something I would have put on there if both of us had grown old together. I think there would have been something about the gospel - because that is a very big part of our lives. I just don't know if it would have been a temple. But, because Layne died with enough time for me to feel a need to remember that we are still a family, I decided to have it be a part of what was important. The gal asked if I wanted to put on a phrase surrounding the temple - many people put on 'families are forever' or something similar. I didn't feel the need to go along with the trend. I knew the temple represented that message. I also knew Layne would have wanted to stay away from a trend at all costs.:}
Layne and I had talked a couple of times about the choice between a beach house and a cabin in the mountains. I was curious. It's supposed to say something about who you are - because I place importance on things like that - not really...just fun to think about sometimes. I think I brought it up because I can never quite decide. I love the idea of both. I'm not sure what that's supposed to say about me. Maybe it says I just want to have it all. Maybe it states that I have a hard time making decisions. Maybe I was bringing it up so we could secretly figure out a way to have both. There was no question with Layne. He didn't even need to vocalize that he would choose the beach house. I just already knew. I would have loved for us to get back to San Diego or the Bay Area just one more time. I thought of that and realized that it would be great to do something that combined the ocean and the mountains. One of the reasons I liked the idea is because it represents the places we have lived together. I also like that it's a statement about our relationship. We are different in so many ways and yet still share a togetherness. Maybe it's the yin/yang idea...two making one whole. Maybe it's opposites attract. I thought it was a good way to show different but the same. We are equals. We are one. Ok. Moving on. I felt great about using the ocean and mountain combination. They started out with a palm tree with the ocean and pine tree immediately in front of mountains (that looked more like hills). It didn't feel quite right. The palm tree reminded me too much of Hawaii. I love it there and I will be forever grateful for the opportunity we had to go together. (Thanks again family.) It's just that when I think of us at the beach together (which mostly includes several locations on both coasts of the USA and Mexico) - I don't think of palm trees. There are palm trees in some of those places. I just remember times together on the beach including the sand, waves, birds, cliffs, the sun, and each other. I requested something without the palm tree. They came up with what is now there. The pine tree was next. I asked if they had anything that looked more like large mountains instead of hills. I got a no on that one. (I'm sure I sounded a little more diplomatic about it at the time.) I then had the idea of aspens pop into my head. I asked about those and they came up with putting the aspens in front of the mountains and moving the mountains higher up on the surface - funny how that made them look more like mountains. It made me happy...so I went with it. It made me think of wishing we had spent more time in the mountains together - it also made me remember the wish to get Layne to The Ranch one more time. It felt important so I kept it that way. Those are just some of the rambling...tumbling thoughts that I had about the ocean and mountains. It felt like a good way to show balance. I especially think that as I see them on opposite sides and think about how the eye is brought from one corner to the other as well.
I decided to make it more unique by only doing the 'scroll' for our last name. The others I saw did the individual names and dates that way as well. I noticed later that everything else fits so much better the way it's done now.
The headstone will be placed facing east. It will be seen from the 'street' in the cemetery. Layne is buried on the south side. I will be on the north. I was pleased that's the way it worked out. It reminds me of the 'sides' we took as slept each night. I'm glad I'll be in the right spot.:} It's odd how many seemingly random things come to mind.
Well...that ended up being longer than I'd originally thought. I wanted to make sure I got the background in there. There's a meaning and reason behind all of it. I feel really good about it. I'm looking forward to seeing it when it's placed.

New Voice

Tuesday the 6th...Draper Temple. I dropped the boys off at Debate and was on my way to the temple. I was thinking about a decision that needed to be made with the kids. I was feeling flustered because I now had to make all of the decisions by myself. I was driving along and clearly had the response, "No. You Don't.", as I was making a left hand turn. It caught my attention. It was not what I was used to hearing - not my own thought nor the way inspired insights/personal revelation come to me. It was a different voice - the inflection was different. It didn't take very long to realize it was Layne. I didn't know that could happen. It was obvious to me that he thought it was silly I was thinking I needed to make decisions all by myself - that I thought I was all alone. I was even able to imagine the expression on his face. It was the same and yet very different from our previous conversations. It's good to know I'm not completely alone in this big wide world.

Out The Door

Yesterday afternoon I had scheduled to take the boys down to their debate league meet up. It's far enough away that I just stay down there while they do their thing. I have been going to the Draper LDS Temple in an attempt to be renewed and use my time wisely. That was my plan for yesterday as well.
Layne was at the point where he didn't really even know what day it was. He had a rough morning. It was the time of day when I needed to be getting ready to go. I told Layne I was going to be heading out soon. He asked me about where I was going, what I was doing, and when I would be back. I answered his questions and tried to explain what was going on. He told me he didn't want me to go. I struggled with that. I was already worried about leaving him and knowing he didn't want me to leave made me more anxious. I was also concerned about the time. It was important to me (and the boys) to get them where they needed to be on time. We no longer had much wiggle room. I needed to either ask Layne's folks to drive the boys so I could stay - or, I needed to get ready and be gone in the next couple of minutes. (I already had one of the boys slicing an apple for me so I could eat something on the way. Have I mentioned lately that we have some pretty cool kids?) I also knew that if I left, I still needed to tell his folks about the meds he needed while I was gone. They also needed to know what to look for and what to do about it. These are not exactly details that can be skimmed through carelessly. So, I dropped to my knees by the side of Layne's hospital bed. I started saying a silent prayer. I didn't get very far when Layne whispered, "Go do what you need to.". He was at the point of not being able to articulate individual sounds very well. His voice's volume was on low. I asked him again - he made his statement again while I focused on listening. I knew that was my answer. He was okay with it. While I was saying good-bye - and that I'd be back in a little while (knowing the time wouldn't mean much to him) - he whispered again, this time he told me, "Have fun.". I was comforted knowing he really was alright with my leaving for awhile so I kissed his forehead and hurried to finish getting ready and give a one (or two) minute primer on meds to his mother. Needless to say...the boys were late.

Coming Soon

"It's coming soon." This is what I heard from Layne this morning as he was getting dressed. I didn't even need to ask what he was talking about. The thoughts in my head lately and the expression on his face somehow connected and I knew exactly what he meant. My eyes teared up a bit (then, and now as I'm writing) as he made comments about feeling weaker and needing to find a burial plot. I don't want to think about life without him and yet we both know that he doesn't have very much longer.
Something happened awhile ago that made me realize the end was near. Since then I've known that we are at the beginning of the end.
It's a little silly that I have been asking questions of Layne for years about planning his funeral and figuring out a burial plot. Oddly enough, he hasn't wanted to discuss the topic or come close to making a decision. He's still not thrilled about it - but, it can't be put off any longer. As with so many other things, now is the time.

Insurance Coverage

Insurance will not cover the clinical trial at MD Anderson. There's the out of network factor because it's out of state. There's also the fact that 'ObamaCare' doesn't cover clinical trials. Layne's a little stressed about what to do...how to make things work. He's always so good about figuring these things out. I think in the end we end up paying less for things that some other people might. Well, at least when there are possibilities and options to look into. For example, when he finally finished grad school we had gone years in student housing, had four kids, and all of the school expenses for him. I think we did a thousand dollar loan once (it might have been more than that). We were done paying for all of that not long after he graduated. We also were able to obtain a home with a good credit rating for both of us.

In the case of all the medical expenses lately, Layne's been great about keeping up with all of it. Asking about charges and figuring out the best way to work things like life insurance, health insurance, and how cost of living can all be worked out. 

I'm a little nervous about the whole budget thing when he's gone. I'm involved with what's going on - but, he's always been the one that has figured out the ins and outs. There are things he's worked out that I wouldn't even think of - much less know about how to go doing it.

The issue for the day is how to have the trial covered. Or, maybe we just look for another trial. Hmm. What to do. What to do.

Focus, Focus, Focus

I haven't been very focused today. I feel bad about that because I wasn't well yesterday. I haven't accomplished as much as needed this week. I was hoping that since yesterday was not productive, I would be able to plow through some things today. It hasn't happened yet. 

We had planned on meeting with some other homeschool families today to make some Christmas cards and winter decor (snowflakes). I was looking forward to it. But, somehow didn't feel like going after talking to Layne. I realized that wasn't fair to the kids. It also doesn't make sense to sit around and sulk. So, I told them about Layne and later asked their opinion of attending the festive outing. (It's geared toward the older kids and the younger kids get the benefit of having friends to associate with for an afternoon.) The decision was made to skip it this week and possibly make some cards on our own out of the materials we have here. I was glad I made them part of the decision. Other times, I'll just announce we're going when it comes to things like that and they always end up being glad we went. But, today I didn't have the energy to convince children that what they were about to do was going to be fun and exciting...even though my opinion was that it was going to be fantastic. I'm sure those who went had a fabulous time and came away with some cool creations.

The Saga Continues

It would be really great if we could just be done with cancer and move on with our lives...but, even as I type that - I know that being done with the cancer ultimately means that Layne is gone. I don't want that either. I'm so grateful for the time we've been able to spend together the last few months.
Having said that, I got a call from Layne this morning that I just can't get out of my head. Facts we were fairly certain of were confirmed. The chemo he's been doing is not working. There are new growths since all visible growths were removed during his surgery.
The scan that was done this week, shows a mass located in a spot where surgical removal would be tricky...too many blood vessels surrounding the tumor. They informed us that the next step would be to go in and check the site to answer a couple of questions. Is there an actual tumor there? And, could it be removed successfully? If the answer is no to the second question, there will be no HIPEC for Layne.
The other factor is finding a chemo that works for him. His oncologist was going to change his treatment starting the next round anyway. So, we'll see what happens there. They suggested to schedule the procedure (to check on the random tumor) for this coming Tuesday. He thought to stay in Houston and get the procedure done so we would know one of the pieces to the puzzle. The chemo would need to wait for at least three weeks in order for him to be able to heal and then handle the new chemo. That would mean almost two months between chemo treatments.
While we were discussing options, it came to my mind that time was a factor. (My chin started to quiver.) We need to do what will give us answers in the least amount of time. So, we're going to go with him returning to keep the chemo appointment he has early in the upcoming week. That way, we can work on whether the chemo works or not. The chemo treatments need to be finished before he does HIPEC anyway (if at all). That way, if we find the chemo is working, he'll go back the MD Anderson and have the procedure done. We'll be able to get going on the chemo instead of waiting for the healing time of the procedure.
As I was talking with Layne, I really felt the impact of the time factor. Not only did I know we needed to have the timing be one of the factors to consider while deciding what to do, I also was very aware of the idea that we might be separated sooner than we've been thinking. We keep thinking Layne has some time left...although, we don't know how much. But, today I had the real feeling that our time is shorter than we think.