Single Scoop

On Monday, I was in Provo and went to the Creamery (BYU Campus) to get some ice cream. We typically go when we're down there and we're able to fit it in the schedule. Layne made sure it was a tradition of sorts for us. I got a single scoop with two flavors - mint brownie and peanut butter trails. (I just had to mention that part so I could remember the flavors...and, because it feels like such an extravagance having two flavors instead of one when it's a 'single' scoop.)
I sat down with my treat - didn't want to drive while I was attempting to eat. I realized I was the only person in there that was sitting by myself. There were a couple of families, a group of friends, and an older couple that I noticed. I felt very much alone. I observed the others that were there and wondered what their observations of me might be. Did they see a grey haired, overweight, single woman eating ice cream all by herself? I'm guessing most of them weren't even aware of my presence. Of course, that was part of the problem. No one noticed I was there.
This was my first experience going there by myself. I had always had some family or friends with me during previous visits. I think that's part of what made my experience such a lonely one. I was missing the company I typically had surrounding me. I was very much missing the kids - and missing Layne even more.

Remember

It's been three weeks since I watched Layne take his last breath. Yesterday marked two weeks since his funeral. I had a chance to visit his spot in the cemetery for the first time. I cried. It looked lonely. I felt lonely. I had a sentence come to mind. "This is not where I am." I'm not sure if he felt like that would make it all better. At that moment, I felt like a hug would have made it all better. I just wanted him to hold me - but, I knew he couldn't. I think it was his way of reminding me that he's closer than his casket. I felt it was also his way of sharing his testimony again. He wanted me to remember that he is much more than a body that is still filled with cancer. I think what he would want me to remember most of all is that he believes we are an eternal family and he will still be doing his part to make that happen for us. I love him. I miss him. Every. Day.