Roles

Thoughts from earlier...

We had the news that Layne would be spending the rest of his life at home on hospice. We both took on different roles. They weren't rehearsed - just shouldered as needed.

After that, I watched as more weight was lost...more energy was taken away...the desire to live decreased...the ability to do slowly vanished...the keen mind gradually deteriorated...the appetite all but depleted...reality set in as the spirit of hope was defeated...and that was all him.

I got to play the role of the strong one...the one that gained weight...the one that needed to display endless energy...the one that needed to keep life together for the family...the one that needed to take on all the responsibilities of family and home...the one that needed to learn much while taking care of another full time...the one that eventually had to make sure she ate even when a meal was missed...the one that displayed optimism even when not feeling it...and so much more.

Working Together

We're attempting to be organized around here. Sort of. We went through a few papers and files today. There are quite a few documents that have to do with Layne's medical happenings. They tell a story in and of themselves. There are details we haven't even gotten to yet that need to be addressed with finances and end of life planning. We're trying to pull ourselves together as much as we can.
Layne gets a little panicked about what he can and can't do these days. He's so used to being independent. He thinks he needs to singlehandedly make sure that the kids and I are taken care of when he's gone. I appreciate the valiant effort - I just don't like seeing him get worked up over it. He's always considered his roles as father, husband, provider, and protector very important. He's worried enough for the both of us about certain things that I just let him take care of it. I have kept myself busy with other things. I determined long ago that it's not worth both of us being anxious about some things. So, I've let him take care of that category since he was doing it anyway.