7 Months

Today marks seven months. I'm not sure what to think about that. It feels like it was another lifetime that he was here. I'm also not sure what I've done with the time. Reality is setting in more. I'm attempting to do more with both returning to and establishing routines. I have a hard time being productive. He was always so good at that - full time student and employee, time consuming callings, his running and biking - and then at home...let's just say I'm realizing more and more how much he really did at home. I knew he was helpful and he made it a priority to spend time with the kids. But, I never realized how much he picked up the slack of all the things I didn't get done - along with all the responsibilities he took on with the house, yard, and vehicles. Occasionally I wonder, "What did I really do again?". So...besides missing him daily and wishing I had the healthy version of him back on a regular basis...I sure miss having 'everything' getting done around here in such a seamless manner. It's hard being the one left behind.

Missing Layne

I'm a little concerned this morning about how to get everything done. I don't know how to be two people. Layne was so helpful. There were things he took care of that I didn't even worry about because I knew he had it covered. There were things that he would see needed to be done and he would just do it. (I remember him hauling laundry up and down two flights of stairs when I was pregnant. He just sort of took over doing the laundry for awhile.) I've decided I don't really like being the one to be in charge of everything. I wasn't looking forward to that part - now I know why - truthfully, I don't think there were any parts of Layne being gone that I looked forward to...

Being Present

This week-end. I remember being in Houston last year. It seems odd that a year ago we were just starting to travel to Texas for Layne's treatments. I was thinking about how I missed going to the Women's Session of General Conference with my girls. They had a grandmother here for them. But, I missed going with them and sharing that experience. There are other things I'm remembering missing out on as well with the kids. I'm glad we're in town this year. The traveling got old pretty quickly. I like being with the kids. I want to be present for them. I know they need the support. There are times I still miss out on the fun things my kids get to do because others have been kind enough to take them places and do things with them while I'm here with Layne. I'm glad they're getting to experience things. I just miss experiencing those things with them. I also feel like there are times when I need and want to do more with them and Layne has a more immediate need - or there are other items that need to be taken care of immediately. I need to figure out a way to be more present with the kids.

Full Plate

There are so many things to write. My issue is that writing blog posts are not the only thing I'm doing right now. Life is a bit busy. I'm attempting to be a cancer caregiver, do some 'end of life' planning, take over all responsibilities that we're used to two people doing, homeschool four kids, figure out/take action on income decisions, keep on top of projects for the house/yard, and of course - as everyone knows it's important to take care of yourself as well. Right? So. Kind of busy. There are times I just want to put the plate down and pick up a book.

I keep thinking that if I just plan better, I'll be able to get more done. The only thing is - I go to plan after everyone else is in bed and I fall asleep on the job. Time to revise that plan of attack. Onward and upward.

Time to pick up the plate again. (Or, in this case, time to go put the bread in the oven.)