Feeling Lighter

Yesterday morning I realized I felt lighter. I felt I could think clearly and I was ready to be productive. I wondered why. That doesn't seem to be something a new widow (That's the first time I've typed that word in reference to myself...odd.) should feel - I don't really believe in 'shoulds' - maybe I just recognized that it might not be typical. I realized a couple of things. One is that a full night's sleep can make a big difference. It had been awhile. When someone needs extra care, it's usually 24/7 - not just when the caregiver happens to be up for the day anyway. So - sleep was one reason. Another reason was worry or maybe anxiety...whatever the proper term is when you're constantly concerned about someone. Yesterday morning was the first time I truly realized how much I had been concerned about Layne, how he was doing, the pain he was feeling, and what I could do to help. There was all of that concern and then I added on the concern about everything that needed to currently be done in addition to taking care of him and how I was ever going to manage everything without Layne in the future. The logistics overwhelmed me. I now have a different set of logistics. They still overwhelm me. But, life continues to move forward. I'll see if I can do better today.

Not Alone

I have been concerned about taking care of our family when Layne is gone. This morning I was asking for help in my prayers about this very topic. I have been flustered with looking into options for income and nothing seeming to be right. I have also been concerned about homeschool and if we'd be able to pull that off with just one parent. I have thought about all that needs to be done to maintain a home, yard, and family. I have also given quite a bit of thought about helping the kids with their testimonies on my own. There are so many concerns. I pleaded for help with being prepared to be alone. It seemed that before I was even finished with the sentence, a gentle voice stated, "You will not be alone.". I wept for a bit and then eventually pulled myself together. I think there are times I will probably feel lonely and overwhelmed...but, I also know that I will never be completely alone. I'm still a bit nervous about managing everything. But, it's nice to know that it won't just be me.