Figuring It Out

I have not been consistent in publishing posts. For the most part - I haven't been writing. I also have a few posts that I've started but need to finish and publish. Things have still been happening and I know I've lost a few thoughts/experiences because I haven't written them down yet.
I've been having a difficult time with pretty much everything for the past couple of months. That's part of my reasoning for not writing more. I had been thinking that I was going to get into more of a habit of being consistent - instead I did the opposite. I don't know exactly what has been going on. I have been doing the very minimum. I was doing more than I thought I would to be by myself and just be sad or exhausted - or both. I haven't been able to figure out where to go from here. Everything is different without Layne. I still have a hard time realizing he's gone. I get it intellectually. Someone dies and they're not coming back (okay so that happened once - but, I don't think it's slated to happen again when there's no reason for it). I know Layne will not be coming back. There are times I feel like other parts of me think he might be - maybe it's the wishing part - maybe it's the part that doesn't want him gone - maybe I think that if I miss him enough he'll appear again. I don't know. I just know I miss him and I've had a hard time getting past that to the productive part of life that I'm supposed to be jumping into wholeheartedly.
I felt like I was down after the funeral. I felt like I needed to keep going from the time he passed away to the day of the funeral. I don't know if it was the adrenaline or all the people that were helping. But, something kept me going until it was over. I crashed after that. I somehow made it through and thought I would just move forward. I started doing better with working with the kids and accomplishing some of my own goals. The holidays came and went and I seemed to have crashed again after Christmas was over. Maybe it was the same kind of thing. I held on and then had more things that I needed to work through. I don't know. I just know that January and February have been neither productive or cheerful. I have been doing enough to survive. But, the word thrive is far from how I would describe the last couple of months.

Still Here

So much to write...
I haven't been able to post anything the last couple of days. The days are so full around here that I don't always make the time to write. I'd like to - just doesn't always happen. I have a couple of posts started about different topics - just nothing finished.
I have felt the last couple of days that I should write so people will know that Layne's still alive and fighting. It's as if people are waiting to hear the final news. So, I feel responsible for making sure that communication is there.
I also have people messaging me about what is going on. There are questions about how Layne is doing. There are messages of love and hope. There are queries about how to help. There are people visiting - to offer help, to respond to a request, to show a way they found to help, to see Layne just once more, to say good-bye, to thoughtfully drop something off, to hang on to hope.
I don't think I have ever fielded so many calls, messages, visits, appointments, posts, comments, cards, donations to our cause...in my life. That's all in addition to taking care of Layne, the kids, finances, income, and my health...and everything else. (For example, I don't think I've looked at our garden for days. It's harvesting time, right?:})
I also don't think I have ever had so many urgent categories to deal with in my life - some might not be as urgent as others - but, somehow there are times when everything feels urgent - especially for my executive functioning challenged brain. Priorities, productivity, and me...that's probably a post for another time. (I attempted to do a whole blog about it once. It didn't work. Hmm. Wonder why.)

Booorinnng!

I haven't been feeling very well the last few days. I'm wanting to be done. I had some great ideas for things we were going to get done this week with our learning, getting organized, and family fun. Monday we had a decent start, but we've gone downhill from there. The kids and Layne have kind of done their own thing (including New Years Eve) while I have been a bit boring. Layne even took the kids swimming this afternoon. I'm glad they were able to go do something fun. I'm ready to be done with being boring and non-productive.
I had a thought about Layne being bored because he's just not doing as much as he used to - and the reason he isn't is because of his health. I don't envy him. I'm glad he's had the chance to put a few hours of work in each week...especially since supporting our family financially is important to him. It's just hard not to be able to do what you're used to doing. The ability of being productive is such a blessing. Here's to hoping we return to that as soon as possible.