Conversation Prompts

So, yesterday I heard the kids play this one a few times.

I like this song. It reminds me of Layne and being able to see him again. I was curious as to their interest in the song. Jonny said it was his new 'jam'. (He says that just about every time he finds a new song he likes.:}) I asked the kids what the interest was...telling them that it reminds me of their dad. They said it reminded them of him too. Well, Megan and Jonny did...I think the others were in agreement.
I asked the kids what they remembered about their dad. I feel like we don't talk about him a whole lot. He'll come up in conversations...but, it's usually not a conversation in and of itself. Here are some of the things mentioned. The girls both remember him laying downstairs watching shows. Megan says it's weird not to hear country music and TV shows coming from downstairs anymore. Jonny remembered some of the same regarding how things were towards the end. Jacob says he remembers, "Dad being a crazy busy college student.". That comment reminded the others about going to the lab with dad and getting to spend time with him...and have a chance to see all the cool equipment. Jonny also made a comment about remembering him towards the end because that's when they had the most time to spend with him because he wasn't going to work or anything.
At some point in the conversation, I asked about whether it was hard for them to remember their dad before the end of his life. That's when they said some things about when we lived in student housing - when we considered him to be healthy. I also got to the point of my having a hard time remembering him as healthy after he first died. I had to put effort into remembering the guy that was a runner and had muscles. That started them talking about dad not having very much hair...and reminiscing about our wedding pictures where he has quite a bit of hair and I have longer hair that was actually styled fancy. Layne kept his hair short for years. So, I'm sure that's why they remember that about him.

Time to Remember

Layne's new driver's license came today. I cried. He looks healthy in his picture. The eyes are blue...the cheeks are full and his face has color. I miss him. I'm trying hard to remember the guy in the picture. I keep remembering the guy that had lost so much weight that his eyes were sunken in and his cheeks were angular because of the bones that were so evident. I remember the look of pain. I need to bring back the memory of the look he had in his eye when he was laughing or smiling. I would also be up for remembering his look for me and only me. I'm trying to reach back. It will take some time.

Next Steps

Layne is already gone to Houston to start the newest clinical trial. I'm hoping the best for this one. The last one gave him an extra year. That's a good thing, right? I even got to see him run again. It was only a 5K - but, still. I say only not because that's a short distance for me but because it's a short distance for him. Although, at the time he did it - it was a pretty big deal. I'm glad Jacob got to run with him.

When Layne's gone I tend to stay up later and worry more. I tend to feel more alone. I realize more what it will be like to not have him around anymore. Sometimes it feels a bit empty...especially at night when the house is quiet and I'm used to having someone next to me. 

I feel bad he has to do so much of this by himself. I don't think I'd like to have the medical staff poking and prodding me without someone there for support. He does most of it on his own it seems. I'm planning on being there when he has the infusion done. It's hard to watch someone you love be put through that. He gets tired, pale, and sick. I feel a little helpless when all I can do is hold his hand that has gotten cold. I was able to get him food occasionally before - but, it seems like there have also been plenty of times when he didn't feel like eating anything. It's hard to see someone that I'm used to being healthy look exhausted and seem weak...someone that is supposed to be energetic but it takes too much effort to get themselves off the couch.

Well, on to bigger and better things. Or maybe just happier things. I guess I could just stick with - time to go be productive. (Productive...there's a post for another day. It's a bit questionable lately.)

Trucks, and Tables, and Chair, Oh My

We participated in a festive flag raising, parade, and breakfast this morning. Layne helped with the extra tables and chairs that were brought into the park to accommodate all of those in attendance. He went home to get his truck in order to return said tables and chairs to the church building they had been borrowed from earlier. When the event was over...he commented about how he was a bit sore around the surgery site. Yikes. I thought about that as I saw him start hefting things, but thought he could monitor himself on this one. He's fine...just reminded that he's still healing.
I've talked with people about how he doesn't seem like someone that has stage 4 colon cancer. He's present, alert and energetic. Most people don't notice a difference. I guess that's a good thing...except when he needs someone else to tell him he shouldn't be lifting. It's great that he can still be involved with so many things. It would be a different scenario for us if he was feeling sick and wasn't able to do things he'd like to do. He's got a ways to go before he's back to running. But, at the same time, we're grateful he's able to do most everyday kinds of activities.
The day was great! We did plenty of celebrating. Although, it wasn't quite as festive when we put a new set of drawers together for the boys' room. (Luckily, no lifting was involved.) It was a big project and Layne got a little flustered. The boys also had a friend over and we 'made' him help too.:} It's funny to me how for the most part...friends come to visit and they don't want to leave. Poor guy. Maybe we'll try to have it be more enjoyable another time. Or not...nothing says 'welcome to our home', like making someone join in the work project, right?
The other scheduled event is a BBQ and fireworks with friends. Happy 4th!