More To Come

I have quite a few posts that I haven't finished/edited/published yet. It's close to half of the posts that I've started. There are hundreds. I guess I better get busy doing more writing and publishing. It seems like there are so many things to say and not enough time to say them all. I'm going to make more of an attempt to get the current and new stuff written. I'm also toying with the idea of starting a blog that's more about being a widow. It feels like a different perspective. Maybe it's time.

Five Months

Today marks five months. In a way it feels like he was just here - in so many other ways it feels like it was so long ago. I miss having him around. I truly wish he were here to help the way he used to with the kids and everything that goes along with running a household. It would be nice to have him here to hold me...to tell me things were going to be okay.

Hinckley Quote

I read this tonight and thought of how there are times it sure would be nice to be able to continue to work on our relationship. There are things I wish I would have done differently. There are other things I would still love to say, things I'd like to have us do. The opportunity is gone. There might be times we think there will always be another time...at some point...there's not more time.

"I know it is hard for you young mothers to believe that almost before you can turn around the children will be gone and you will be alone with your husband. You had better be sure you are developing the kind of love and friendship that will be delightful and enduring. Let the children learn from your attitude that he is important. Encourage him. Be kind. It is a rough world, and he, like everyone else, is fighting to survive. Be cheerful. Don't be a whiner." --Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Time Marching On

It's been four whole weeks since Layne passed away. It seems like it just happened in some ways. I can't quite get used to him being gone. In other ways it seems like it's been so very long since he was here. I don't know when the part about missing him will ever go away. It probably doesn't - just would be nice to be able to function a little better.
It's kind of an odd day. The twentieth of last month was when we celebrated his birthday. It's the four weeks like I mentioned above since he passed away and yet in a couple of days, on the 22nd, it'll be a whole month. I'm not sure how to count these things.
Our anniversary is less than a month away. Nineteen years.

Remembering...

Started to tear up at breakfast - not even sure what I was thinking about at the time...Oh wait. It's coming to me. The girls and I were attempting to plan for the next couple of weeks. Maybe we'll get a few festive things in yet. That got me thinking about last year. I remembered that this time last year we were already leaving town every other week-end for Layne to have treatments in Houston. I remembered how I had missed some of the festivities the kids were enjoying here at home. I was grateful others helped out with that - I was also feeling sad about missing out on activities with the kids. I still love to see them enjoy what they're doing and being part of making some of that happen. (As they get older they take on more of the planning themselves.) I remember feeling like I was missing out and the kids were missing me (and Layne, of course.) It seems like it was so long ago.
I realized that this year is so much different. There's no more travel. I'm in town and able to spend time with the kids. (When I make that happen - another post.) We have a different schedule. But mostly, Layne is gone.

Two Weeks

Today marks two whole weeks since Layne had to leave. In a way it seems like it just happened. In other ways it seems like it has been so very long. I miss him. I don't miss taking care of a loved one 24/7. I miss the guy that would have already gone for a run, prepared for the day, and be at work right now. It would be great if his being gone was just for a brief period of time. But right now, the possibility of several decades doesn't seem very brief. It's probable that our time apart will be longer than the time we had together.

One Week

It's odd to think it's been a week since Layne's passing. In some ways it feels so much longer...in some ways it seems like he was just here. There's been so much to do. I feel like we're able to slow down a bit now that the viewing/s and funeral are over. There are still a few things to do. I will be getting some things down each day - just not at the same pace.
I think I mostly need to take time to realize he's gone. I looked at a picture this morning where he was smiling and looking at the camera with his bright blue eyes. I knew that was exactly the way I wanted to remember him. I'll need to take some time and conscious effort so the image of him being so thin, sick, and in pain will be overshadowed by the man that was vibrant and healthy.
I feel like there have already been a couple of 'interventions' by him already. I'm feeling like he will be in the details. Because...let's face it...that's just who he is. I like the idea that he's still doing what he can to take care of us - he's just been 'relocated'.

Tick Tock

February 16, 2013

Cancer seems to take so long to figure out. There are times I think Layne is a human science experiment. I'm sure that if we did a survey, most cancer patients would feel that way. It would be great if there were a set of treatments that worked for everyone, you did them and you were done. I'm sure if we could figure that out - we'd save lives, improve the quality of life for many and even make a few bucks in the process. But alas, it doesn't work that way.
One of the things that continues to amaze me is the time it takes for each step along the way. For example, when Layne first had a colonoscopy to attempt an assessment of what was going on, the cancer was found. I don't think surgery happened for another month. (I'll have to check the calendar, but I really think it took about that long.)
The reality is that as we're trying to figure out what's going on - time keeps moving forward. Time is not something that's on the side of the cancer patient. There are other things we'd love to be doing with our time together besides chemo treatments. There are other things we'd love to spend our money on.
When we first learned that Layne would be taking some time away from work, we thought we could travel a little bit (not very far or very often) with our family. It doesn't really work that way. The schedule has to work around chemo and the finances have to work around treatments, prescriptions, and travel for more surgery/treatments.
It might sound like a complaint, but it's really not. It's just the way it is. I'm glad we do get to have chances to get out and do a couple of things. We'll have the opportunity to go to Hawaii, get the kids to Disneyland (we think), head to Seattle, and maybe even head to Southern Utah in order to see the sights (and family). (We haven't done much planning on the last one or another trip to CA to see Layne's folks.)
Amidst all the rambling, I think the point is that as we're busy living our lives in a way that we hope will help Layne be around a little longer - we're also aware of the fact that it all takes time. And, that is something I wish we had more of to work with right now.

The Saga Continues

It would be really great if we could just be done with cancer and move on with our lives...but, even as I type that - I know that being done with the cancer ultimately means that Layne is gone. I don't want that either. I'm so grateful for the time we've been able to spend together the last few months.
Having said that, I got a call from Layne this morning that I just can't get out of my head. Facts we were fairly certain of were confirmed. The chemo he's been doing is not working. There are new growths since all visible growths were removed during his surgery.
The scan that was done this week, shows a mass located in a spot where surgical removal would be tricky...too many blood vessels surrounding the tumor. They informed us that the next step would be to go in and check the site to answer a couple of questions. Is there an actual tumor there? And, could it be removed successfully? If the answer is no to the second question, there will be no HIPEC for Layne.
The other factor is finding a chemo that works for him. His oncologist was going to change his treatment starting the next round anyway. So, we'll see what happens there. They suggested to schedule the procedure (to check on the random tumor) for this coming Tuesday. He thought to stay in Houston and get the procedure done so we would know one of the pieces to the puzzle. The chemo would need to wait for at least three weeks in order for him to be able to heal and then handle the new chemo. That would mean almost two months between chemo treatments.
While we were discussing options, it came to my mind that time was a factor. (My chin started to quiver.) We need to do what will give us answers in the least amount of time. So, we're going to go with him returning to keep the chemo appointment he has early in the upcoming week. That way, we can work on whether the chemo works or not. The chemo treatments need to be finished before he does HIPEC anyway (if at all). That way, if we find the chemo is working, he'll go back the MD Anderson and have the procedure done. We'll be able to get going on the chemo instead of waiting for the healing time of the procedure.
As I was talking with Layne, I really felt the impact of the time factor. Not only did I know we needed to have the timing be one of the factors to consider while deciding what to do, I also was very aware of the idea that we might be separated sooner than we've been thinking. We keep thinking Layne has some time left...although, we don't know how much. But, today I had the real feeling that our time is shorter than we think.