Point At You

This is another one that reminds me of Layne. He introduced the song to me. I just had to do the link instead of the actual video...wouldn't work for me. It's a Justin Moore song called 'Point at You'. He told me I was better at representing us in public than he was...I was the one that made us look good...the 'better half'. I don't know about that. It's fun to have the memory of being on a date and having this song come on...he would sing it in his twangy voice and point at me on cue.

Conversation Prompts

So, yesterday I heard the kids play this one a few times.

I like this song. It reminds me of Layne and being able to see him again. I was curious as to their interest in the song. Jonny said it was his new 'jam'. (He says that just about every time he finds a new song he likes.:}) I asked the kids what the interest was...telling them that it reminds me of their dad. They said it reminded them of him too. Well, Megan and Jonny did...I think the others were in agreement.
I asked the kids what they remembered about their dad. I feel like we don't talk about him a whole lot. He'll come up in conversations...but, it's usually not a conversation in and of itself. Here are some of the things mentioned. The girls both remember him laying downstairs watching shows. Megan says it's weird not to hear country music and TV shows coming from downstairs anymore. Jonny remembered some of the same regarding how things were towards the end. Jacob says he remembers, "Dad being a crazy busy college student.". That comment reminded the others about going to the lab with dad and getting to spend time with him...and have a chance to see all the cool equipment. Jonny also made a comment about remembering him towards the end because that's when they had the most time to spend with him because he wasn't going to work or anything.
At some point in the conversation, I asked about whether it was hard for them to remember their dad before the end of his life. That's when they said some things about when we lived in student housing - when we considered him to be healthy. I also got to the point of my having a hard time remembering him as healthy after he first died. I had to put effort into remembering the guy that was a runner and had muscles. That started them talking about dad not having very much hair...and reminiscing about our wedding pictures where he has quite a bit of hair and I have longer hair that was actually styled fancy. Layne kept his hair short for years. So, I'm sure that's why they remember that about him.

Eggs and Toast

We had scrambled eggs and toast this morning. As I was making the eggs, Rachel came in and commented about how she remembered dad would put his egg on his toast and eat it that way. While we were eating, Jonny reminisced about how Layne would put egg on a piece of toast, fold it together, and eat it as he was heading out the door for a run. It's interesting the things that are remembered once someone is gone. I'm glad the kids feel like they can share things as they come up.

Making a Home

I've been listening to some music today. The song 'Home' by Phillip Phillips is a favorite these days. Today I remembered to experience I had when I first heard the song. I thought of an experience I had in the temple earlier that day that told me Layne was preparing for our family to eventually join him. The word 'home' had been part of the message I took away from the experience. While I was thinking about that - the thought came to me 'you need to be making a home'. I guess I better raise the bar around here. I feel like I need to do better about making this a place where the kids and I can accomplish what we need to do, where others feel good about being here, and a place where the Spirit can dwell. So, while I feel like he's building a home - I'll be here making one.

Remembering

I was looking at another blog tonight and found this post. It's about some of the things Layne would do to help out when the kids were little.

Music and Movies

Today was a pretty good day. I still seem to be tired. But, just pushed through anyway. Whatever. We had a chance to listen to music together and get a couple of other things done today. I love how music sets a fun tone in the house and gets the kids talking. Tonight at dinner we talked about Layne and some of the music he liked. The kids laughed as they told about the songs he would sing along to and lines he would quote from movies. Silly really. But, fun to remember. I guess I should write them down sometime.

Star Wars VII

I went to Star Wars VII with the boys last night. Tempting...but, I will not give out any spoilers. You're welcome. The experience reminded me of Layne. It reminded me that if he were here he would have been there too. Or, maybe he and I would have seen it together at some point. I also couldn't miss the gap that was felt when it came to he and the boys going to see a movie together. They used to go to see all the live action films together. It's been a thing for them. I can also see in my mind a picture of him being excited about seeing it. Last night the boys felt the excitement - fun to watch. Layne would have been the same way - although, probably a little more dignified about it. I even thought of Layne as our oldest was a bit anxious about getting there on time.
We had a conversation about how the first movie that same kid could have been in the theatre for was a Star Wars movie. But, his dad was a little nervous/hesitant about it. I was all ready to just 'wear' my infant. But, he was concerned. Looking back...I should have put up more of a 'fight'. Oh well.

Remember

It's been three weeks since I watched Layne take his last breath. Yesterday marked two weeks since his funeral. I had a chance to visit his spot in the cemetery for the first time. I cried. It looked lonely. I felt lonely. I had a sentence come to mind. "This is not where I am." I'm not sure if he felt like that would make it all better. At that moment, I felt like a hug would have made it all better. I just wanted him to hold me - but, I knew he couldn't. I think it was his way of reminding me that he's closer than his casket. I felt it was also his way of sharing his testimony again. He wanted me to remember that he is much more than a body that is still filled with cancer. I think what he would want me to remember most of all is that he believes we are an eternal family and he will still be doing his part to make that happen for us. I love him. I miss him. Every. Day.

Missing and Remembering

I'm home by myself tonight. The boys are out with friends and the girls are across the street playing with some friends as well. It's quiet here except for the music that I put on for some company. I miss Layne. I'd love to be able to see him again. One more hug. I'm trying hard to remember the guy that was able to hug me. I've been trying to remember the last time we hugged - the specifics aren't coming to me. I'm sure he remembers. He was able to remember just about everything.

Already There

'I'm Already There' by Lonestar

This was my song for Layne when he was in Albuquerque for weeks at a time (several years ago). It came out in 2004 and ended up being turned into a song for all of the soldiers heading out to Iraq and Iran. (Good marketing thought, right?) It was played quite a bit on the radio. I heard it today and thought about how it could be a song for when Layne is gone. He'll always be with us.

This is the only video I could find that was about being away from home missing your family instead of military personal leaving/returning home. (I'm not saying that's not important - just saying it wasn't our situation - thankfully.) 

I like the picture in here with the mom, two boys and the little baby. Our boys were young and Megan had just been born that past spring. We got to see him every other week-end...sort of...he still had obligations on campus. He would get home Thursday evening, go to campus for a long day on Friday and then be on campus again Saturday morning and sometimes into the afternoon. We would spend time as a family, do a date night and church on Sunday. We took him back to the airport Sunday afternoons and then wait for over a week and a half for him to come home again. He was always amazed at Megan's growth each time he saw her.

Always a Runner

I was thinking this morning about Layne running his 5K tomorrow. I was reminded of him running a full marathon in 2011. He was all set to run a Ragnar in 2012. But, ended up having surgery the day before instead of being with his team. (He was hoping he could have the surgery and then still run after recovering. It was about a month from the time we found out he needed a surgery until the time he actually was scheduled for it. I guess he thought two or three weeks was enough time to recover from a surgery and still compete in a Ragnar. When it took some time to get the surgery scheduled, he started thinking that maybe - just maybe - the surgery would be after the race. No such luck.)
Our stake has a 5K they've sponsored for the community the last several years. In 2013, our family ran/walked it together. Layne wasn't doing any running at the time. I remember it was very hard to watch someone I love - that considers themselves a runner - not be able to run a 5K. It was hard realizing he really struggled with the fact that he just wasn't able to do it. A harsh reality for someone who used to consider a 5K enough to count for an 'easy' day of exercise, but certainly not a challenge. The challenge would be in trying for a faster time or some other personal best...not the distance.
This year, 2014, he'll be running the 5K that goes along with the Salt Lake marathon. Jacob will be running with him. It's interesting to me that there's something to remember from each year. I wonder what 2015 will bring. (Maybe I'll try (walking) one with him.) I'm reminded that 'once a runner, always a runner'.

What Will I Do?

Today is one of those days where things have caught up with me and I just want a few minutes to cry. Yesterday Layne helped to get a large oatmeal container open. It was being opened for the first time and I just wasn't getting it open. I was glad he was around and helped. I asked him what I was going to do when he was gone and then we hugged and moved on with our day. Later in the day I thought the same thing while we were kissing. And, I had the thought this morning too when I smelled some of his clothes. I had smelled one of my own shirts to determine if I needed to toss it in the laundry or not. Then, the thought came to me about others smelling the clothes of a lost loved one or holding a sentimental item. That's how I ended up on Layne's side of the closet smelling his clothes. I didn't expect that I would start to cry. I can't imagine his half of the closet empty...or getting rid of his things. Maybe I'll have something that I keep - just to remember.
This morning I realized I would miss joking around with him and that I would miss his laugh. I will miss the snuggling, the intimacy, and someone to keep me warm at night. I will miss his help with the kids, our family, the income, the home, and the yard. I will miss being part of a couple. I'm not sure what it feels like to be identified as an individual anymore. (No, I don't mean in a 'I'm not whole without him' or 'I don't know who I am' kind of way - it's more of a 'just what I've gotten used to' kind of thing. I don't really remember how to be single and certainly don't know what it's like to be a widow at this point.)
On the other side of the coin, maybe some of my emotions are coming from being the 'not quite as organized as I'd like be' kind of person that makes me panic and just a bit stressed as Christmas approaches and I'm not ready. I'm sure there's more than just thinking about losing my husband that's making me a bit weepy. Although, at the same time - that reason could stand on its own.
Time to go do something happy - or at least something productive. Or, maybe I'll start small and cry before moving on with my day. Because I don't want to leave on a sad note - maybe I could start with appreciating the beautiful day outside. It snowed all day yesterday - so, today we're starting with a layer of beautiful snow, a clear blue sky, and sunshine. I love the chance for a fresh start after a gloomy day.