Bring Him Home

This song. I have been thinking about this one lately. There are several reasons. I was reminded this past week about the great experience I had to see this performed live. Anything from Les Mis also reminds me of the opportunities I had to see my sister perform (Eponine) when she traveled with the show. Of course - there's also the question - who doesn't love Les Mis and this song?
One of the biggest reasons I was bawling while listening to this song earlier today was because of an experience I had this past summer while we were in Nauvoo, IL. We were there for a family reunion and some of us had gone to a show that included this song. The show was about families and how things continue on through time. As you can imagine...I was already feeling tender about the whole thing. Then it happened. The performer on the stage was singing this song as he always had and I heard the words, "You need to let him go.". I immediately grabbed one of the two tissues that was already useless by this time. Right then I knew there would be no miraculous healing. Layne would be leaving us and it was going to happen seemingly sooner rather than later. That might have been enough for the waterworks - but, then I started to wonder if there were things I was doing or saying that made it so my husband felt like he couldn't give in to the cancer and be done. Was I holding him back? Everyone knows he's a fighter. But, did I have anything to do with his need to stay even longer? So many questions. I didn't want to be the one causing more pain than he was already experiencing. I had to just give in and let go - completely. I had to be okay with it. I had to do more than just say, "If you're going to take him - it'll be alright.". I was required to give him up - to put him on the alter so to speak. It was a real test.

'No Quitting' Zone

Layne was in quite a bit of pain towards the end. It's a relief to know he's no longer in pain. I know he's much happier. I told him many times that he had the easier part. He just had to be sick and then die. I had the hard part - I had to watch him be sick, die, and then move forward supporting (and raising) a family of five on my own. We...okay...I would joke about that because there were times I was a little jealous that he got to leave and I had to be the one to move forward. I don't envy the pain. I could not have handled it as well. I would not have held on as long. I would have checked out much sooner. Layne did an amazing job of still making an attempt to live a full life as much as he possibly could - he was not a quitter. I will follow his lead.

Always A Runner

Layne got out of bed earlier than I did today. It reminded me of days gone past. He used to be consistent about getting up early enough to exercise before heading over to work (and before that campus). I got used to a guy who considered himself a runner. It was just part of who he used to be. He still has the spirit of a runner in the marathon of life he's engaged in right now. But, the early morning exercise sessions are no more. There are no more plans for the next event. A 5K used to be for the day's workout and a t-shirt. There were also other events that were a bigger deal. He ran the Salt Lake marathon the year before he found out about his cancer. He was scheduled (but never made it) to participate in a Ragnar the day after he was scheduled for his surgery to remove the cancer and part of his colon. He enjoyed some races that were 'triathlons' (in quotes because of the shorter distances - he likes to bike, but never was a fan of figuring out how to breathe while swimming). Since he's been diagnosed, he's been involved in a 5K and a bike race - both done through Huntsman to raise funds for research to fight cancer. He's also been a great help to our boys in encouraging them with their exercising/fitness. He's into making sure the girls are active as well. But, the current scenario is that the boys are working on their personal fitness for scouts. Thus, the reason he is helping with a specific goal of theirs at the moment. He used to exercise with them - modifying what he used to do. He doesn't even do that anymore. These days it's an accomplishment to actually go over to the Rec. Center with them. There are times I've taken them instead and they do the workout on their own. I will always be grateful I had a chance to see Layne in action...to see the fighter cross the finish line.