Hammock+Dr. Pepper=Layne

Jacob is out in the hammock drinking a Dr. Pepper. I wonder if Layne is watching. He would be proud. Layne was the one that thought of getting a hammock way back when we lived in La Jolla student housing. We would be able to see the ocean from the back porch where our hammock was hung. We took the same hammock with us to Utah. Again, it was hung (weather permitting) behind our townhouse. There were nights summer concerts happened at Red Butte Garden when we'd put the kids to bed, lay in the hammock, and listen to the concert. When we moved to our current home - we found a place for the hammock in the back yard. After years of use, we were in need of a new one. I'm sure Layne found a deal somewhere. The kids and I still like to go and use the hammock for reading, observing nature, napping, and thinking...or just being. I think of Layne often when I see the hammock. I remember the times we shared a hammock and enjoyed what the local life had to offer.

The other part of my first sentence that made me smile was that Layne's favorite soda was Dr. Pepper. I'm not sure most people knew that. We don't really do the soda thing very often. I love that the kids and I will choose the same occasionally. It's a bit of a family favorite. 

So...the hammock and Dr. Pepper...Layne would be proud...or at least notice with a smile. I hope he's doing that today.

Hallelujah

I first saw this and was so grateful for a Savior. It also made me want to pull out a picture of Layne. I know I will see him again.

Thanksgiving in Mapleton...November 22, 2012

Conversation Prompts

So, yesterday I heard the kids play this one a few times.

I like this song. It reminds me of Layne and being able to see him again. I was curious as to their interest in the song. Jonny said it was his new 'jam'. (He says that just about every time he finds a new song he likes.:}) I asked the kids what the interest was...telling them that it reminds me of their dad. They said it reminded them of him too. Well, Megan and Jonny did...I think the others were in agreement.
I asked the kids what they remembered about their dad. I feel like we don't talk about him a whole lot. He'll come up in conversations...but, it's usually not a conversation in and of itself. Here are some of the things mentioned. The girls both remember him laying downstairs watching shows. Megan says it's weird not to hear country music and TV shows coming from downstairs anymore. Jonny remembered some of the same regarding how things were towards the end. Jacob says he remembers, "Dad being a crazy busy college student.". That comment reminded the others about going to the lab with dad and getting to spend time with him...and have a chance to see all the cool equipment. Jonny also made a comment about remembering him towards the end because that's when they had the most time to spend with him because he wasn't going to work or anything.
At some point in the conversation, I asked about whether it was hard for them to remember their dad before the end of his life. That's when they said some things about when we lived in student housing - when we considered him to be healthy. I also got to the point of my having a hard time remembering him as healthy after he first died. I had to put effort into remembering the guy that was a runner and had muscles. That started them talking about dad not having very much hair...and reminiscing about our wedding pictures where he has quite a bit of hair and I have longer hair that was actually styled fancy. Layne kept his hair short for years. So, I'm sure that's why they remember that about him.

Benefits of a Savior

Something I jotted down on my Christ Daily Facebook page tonight:
So today I had some thoughts about loved ones dying and how my husband is longer here. I was thinking about how some people get married again after a spouse dies. They are lonely and want the companionship again. I get that. At this point I don't feel like it's right for me. I realized that the reasons I think and feel what I do about the topic is because of Christ. I know I will see my husband again. I know he didn't just suddenly cease to exist. I know that is true and will happen because I know our Savior's role in the plan of salvation. I know He lives. As a result, I know my husband continues to live as well. We will see each other again. I like that thought.

I thought I'd share it here as well. I'm so thankful to know I'll see Layne again. There are times the thought of getting married again have passed through my mind. The thought never stays for very long. I feel like I know he's still around and we're still married. I'm still at a point where it would feel like I was betraying him. I'm not saying that all widows would or even should feel that way - I'm just saying that's how I feel about the topic. There's something about knowing that Layne would know that feels a little bit creepy to me. I'm also at a point where I might feel lonely at times - but right now I don't want anyone to take Layne's place. I know that's not exactly how it works. I just know that's what it would feel like to me right now. I may or may not feel the same way five years from now. I don't know.

Hinckley Quote

I read this tonight and thought of how there are times it sure would be nice to be able to continue to work on our relationship. There are things I wish I would have done differently. There are other things I would still love to say, things I'd like to have us do. The opportunity is gone. There might be times we think there will always be another time...at some point...there's not more time.

"I know it is hard for you young mothers to believe that almost before you can turn around the children will be gone and you will be alone with your husband. You had better be sure you are developing the kind of love and friendship that will be delightful and enduring. Let the children learn from your attitude that he is important. Encourage him. Be kind. It is a rough world, and he, like everyone else, is fighting to survive. Be cheerful. Don't be a whiner." --Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Music and Movies

Today was a pretty good day. I still seem to be tired. But, just pushed through anyway. Whatever. We had a chance to listen to music together and get a couple of other things done today. I love how music sets a fun tone in the house and gets the kids talking. Tonight at dinner we talked about Layne and some of the music he liked. The kids laughed as they told about the songs he would sing along to and lines he would quote from movies. Silly really. But, fun to remember. I guess I should write them down sometime.

Bleh...

I've been feeling a little bit grouchy today. I'm tired and just don't have any energy. Of coarse, I still get to make sure kids have dinner...and someone gets to do the laundry for tomorrow. Oh. And, one of the kids just told me the light was burned out in the basement. It just keeps going and I want to stop.
I have done a terrible job of getting things done the last little while. I think that might be part of the funk I'm in - thinking about all the things that need to be done and yet not feeling like doing them. Bleh.
I have to add that while I was doing laundry, I pulled out one of the kids bunched up shirts. It was one of the 'no one fights alone' shirts that Becca made for us when Layne and Jacob ran the 5K. It felt like a reminder. Somehow I was aware that Layne was trying to tell me that he would do the laundry if he were able. I always appreciated his willingness to help.

Headstone Part Three

So, here's a picture of the paper version of the headstone. I'm going to take a line from a movie and say, "Le me 'splain.".

I got to the location of our meeting without knowing exactly what to put on the headstone. I felt like I should have been more prepared and yet I wasn't sure how to do that. I had thought about some things that might work. But, didn't have anything that I felt sure about at the time. I had discussed it with Layne. I had a general idea of what he didn't want...you know, the usual.:} He pretty much left it to me and what I wanted to do. I think he just didn't really want to decide. I had asked the kids about it too. I told them a couple of ideas. They said they were good with the idea of having their names on it. (I had to promise Jonny that we would use the nick name he's used to instead of his 'full name'.) The names of the kids might have been something I would have put on the back - but, we have a flat stone as per the cemetery requirements.
I got there and looked at some of the samples. I chose the type of stone. Then I started looking through the books they have with so many different examples. My 'too many options' brain started to get a little frazzled. I had brought in a piece of paper that I had written a couple of things on - our names, dates, the kids names...
As I was looking through the books I noticed the music staff and knew it had to be a part of what was done. The gal that was helping me had already asked some things about what we like in order to get some ideas going and decisions made - as soon as possible - because I'm good at making hasty decisions. (Whatever.) We talked a little bit about running and writing...about being a mom. All of those are good things - just didn't feel right. So, I was excited when something clearly was the right thing to put on it. I just realized that everything on here has more than one meaning. Maybe the items mentioned earlier had too much to do with us individually. I realized that I wanted something to represent us. I wanted things that meant something. I knew Layne wanted each item to have a purpose. You don't waste space when it's something so permanent that has the possibility for so much meaning.
So back to the musical staff. Music is something that is important to both of us individually and is very much a part of our relationship. (I wanted to make sure I used present tense there because all I have to do is hear a song and he's present.) We spent time enjoying and making music while he was here. I don't see a reason to stop doing that.
One of the last things I decided was the temple. I wasn't sure I wanted it on there. Would there be room? Would it be too 'cheesy'? Layne didn't like cheesy and I'm not sure I'm a fan either. The temple is important to us. I don't mean to slight the meaning of the temple and the things that happen there. In fact, it's because of the covenants we've made that I have had an easier time of all this than I would have otherwise had if he were to just be gone - with no more connections. The temple is important. I just didn't want to do it because it's a common thing to do. I decided to go with the Oakland Temple because that's where we were married and sealed together. I think part of the reason I did that was for the reminder of eternal families. I don't know if it's something I would have put on there if both of us had grown old together. I think there would have been something about the gospel - because that is a very big part of our lives. I just don't know if it would have been a temple. But, because Layne died with enough time for me to feel a need to remember that we are still a family, I decided to have it be a part of what was important. The gal asked if I wanted to put on a phrase surrounding the temple - many people put on 'families are forever' or something similar. I didn't feel the need to go along with the trend. I knew the temple represented that message. I also knew Layne would have wanted to stay away from a trend at all costs.:}
Layne and I had talked a couple of times about the choice between a beach house and a cabin in the mountains. I was curious. It's supposed to say something about who you are - because I place importance on things like that - not really...just fun to think about sometimes. I think I brought it up because I can never quite decide. I love the idea of both. I'm not sure what that's supposed to say about me. Maybe it says I just want to have it all. Maybe it states that I have a hard time making decisions. Maybe I was bringing it up so we could secretly figure out a way to have both. There was no question with Layne. He didn't even need to vocalize that he would choose the beach house. I just already knew. I would have loved for us to get back to San Diego or the Bay Area just one more time. I thought of that and realized that it would be great to do something that combined the ocean and the mountains. One of the reasons I liked the idea is because it represents the places we have lived together. I also like that it's a statement about our relationship. We are different in so many ways and yet still share a togetherness. Maybe it's the yin/yang idea...two making one whole. Maybe it's opposites attract. I thought it was a good way to show different but the same. We are equals. We are one. Ok. Moving on. I felt great about using the ocean and mountain combination. They started out with a palm tree with the ocean and pine tree immediately in front of mountains (that looked more like hills). It didn't feel quite right. The palm tree reminded me too much of Hawaii. I love it there and I will be forever grateful for the opportunity we had to go together. (Thanks again family.) It's just that when I think of us at the beach together (which mostly includes several locations on both coasts of the USA and Mexico) - I don't think of palm trees. There are palm trees in some of those places. I just remember times together on the beach including the sand, waves, birds, cliffs, the sun, and each other. I requested something without the palm tree. They came up with what is now there. The pine tree was next. I asked if they had anything that looked more like large mountains instead of hills. I got a no on that one. (I'm sure I sounded a little more diplomatic about it at the time.) I then had the idea of aspens pop into my head. I asked about those and they came up with putting the aspens in front of the mountains and moving the mountains higher up on the surface - funny how that made them look more like mountains. It made me happy...so I went with it. It made me think of wishing we had spent more time in the mountains together - it also made me remember the wish to get Layne to The Ranch one more time. It felt important so I kept it that way. Those are just some of the rambling...tumbling thoughts that I had about the ocean and mountains. It felt like a good way to show balance. I especially think that as I see them on opposite sides and think about how the eye is brought from one corner to the other as well.
I decided to make it more unique by only doing the 'scroll' for our last name. The others I saw did the individual names and dates that way as well. I noticed later that everything else fits so much better the way it's done now.
The headstone will be placed facing east. It will be seen from the 'street' in the cemetery. Layne is buried on the south side. I will be on the north. I was pleased that's the way it worked out. It reminds me of the 'sides' we took as slept each night. I'm glad I'll be in the right spot.:} It's odd how many seemingly random things come to mind.
Well...that ended up being longer than I'd originally thought. I wanted to make sure I got the background in there. There's a meaning and reason behind all of it. I feel really good about it. I'm looking forward to seeing it when it's placed.

Dancing Partner

So...this guy is a favorite artist of Layne's. There are a couple of other songs that he listened to more than this one. But, this is one that I like. This is Layne. He doesn't dance - at least not in public. This song reminds me of the times it would just be us dancing in our bedroom...country music playing. No fancy foot work - just time to be alone together. I miss all the things that he would do just for me. If I were a singer/songwriter - I would write a country song all about it.

Remembering...

Started to tear up at breakfast - not even sure what I was thinking about at the time...Oh wait. It's coming to me. The girls and I were attempting to plan for the next couple of weeks. Maybe we'll get a few festive things in yet. That got me thinking about last year. I remembered that this time last year we were already leaving town every other week-end for Layne to have treatments in Houston. I remembered how I had missed some of the festivities the kids were enjoying here at home. I was grateful others helped out with that - I was also feeling sad about missing out on activities with the kids. I still love to see them enjoy what they're doing and being part of making some of that happen. (As they get older they take on more of the planning themselves.) I remember feeling like I was missing out and the kids were missing me (and Layne, of course.) It seems like it was so long ago.
I realized that this year is so much different. There's no more travel. I'm in town and able to spend time with the kids. (When I make that happen - another post.) We have a different schedule. But mostly, Layne is gone.

New Voice

Tuesday the 6th...Draper Temple. I dropped the boys off at Debate and was on my way to the temple. I was thinking about a decision that needed to be made with the kids. I was feeling flustered because I now had to make all of the decisions by myself. I was driving along and clearly had the response, "No. You Don't.", as I was making a left hand turn. It caught my attention. It was not what I was used to hearing - not my own thought nor the way inspired insights/personal revelation come to me. It was a different voice - the inflection was different. It didn't take very long to realize it was Layne. I didn't know that could happen. It was obvious to me that he thought it was silly I was thinking I needed to make decisions all by myself - that I thought I was all alone. I was even able to imagine the expression on his face. It was the same and yet very different from our previous conversations. It's good to know I'm not completely alone in this big wide world.

What's Next?

Layne headed 'home' yesterday afternoon. I'm not sure what to write first. I could start with the few moments surrounding his passing. I could begin with events that have happened since that time. I could go back as far as yesterday morning - or perhaps somewhere within the past week.
Maybe the perfect place to kick things off would be to share how the kids and I are managing.  Others  might want to know what's happening next for our family. Some could be wondering if we need anything - or I could give an account of all those who have done so much for us already. We are grateful. Perhaps a starting point would be to say all of the great things I will miss about Layne - or some of the things I will not miss about being a caregiver. Another possibility would be funeral plans...what will be happening when and where. So many thoughts...so much to write.

Birthday Wishes

Tomorrow is Layne's birthday. If you'd like to send a birthday wish - you can just leave a comment. You are also welcome to contact him/us in whichever way you typically would for the occasion as well. Thanks.

Another Runner

Jacob has decided to run with Layne in the 5K this Saturday. He's been running faster than Layne for the last little bit. I think he started out acting as if he was sprinting and wondering why his Dad was just doing a 'fast walk'. He's able to pace himself a little better now. It's quite possible he'll end quickly and wait for Layne at the finish line. We'll see how it works. Maybe we'll sign him up for track and field. He likes to run fast and jump - so, it might be a good fit.
Jacob is actually signed up now. If you feel so inclined to donate to Huntsman's Hometown Heroes for his run, you can do that here.