The Fault In Our Stars

I started reading 'The Fault in our Stars' by John Green today. I may or may not have cried a little before I turned the first page. I think the phrase, "...a side effect of dying" got to me somehow. It's used more than once on the first page. I moved past it. I just had other things I cried about after that. There were also times I chuckled a bit. And still other times I just went with the story. I'm about 100 pages in and will keep going.
It's interesting to read something that reminds me of the struggles of cancer and its treatment. It reminds me of working with and watching a loved one going through the gamut experiences and emotions that come with cancer. It also reminds me of the relationship itself. There are things that can be discussed and laughed about with each other that just don't reach what others understand. I'll be done because I might start missing Layne too much if I keep writing about the way cancer can tear apart and build up a relationship all at the same time.

Letting Go

I talked with Layne last night about letting go. He needs to feel that it's okay to die. We've had several conversations on the topic. He doesn't want to just give up. He seems to think that if he lets himself die he's not fighting to the end. He has connected that with having faith. In order to show faith - he needs to keep going. I don't agree completely. Faith is important. Yes. I agree with that part. I don't think the only way for him to show faith is to stick around indefinitely. I don't want him to die. What I do want is for him to feel good about the path he has traveled, accept his reality, and feel at peace with completing his mortal experience. 

I know none of this has anything to do with what I want...but, that is what I want for him. Well, I want that mostly for him. I want it partly for me. I don't like watching him feel frustrated with all of the things he's not able to do. I don't want to witness someone I love being in pain anymore. I don't like watching him feel 'stuck' because his body and mind aren't cooperating. What I really want is what's best for him.

Priesthood Blessing

Layne just had a blessing. He asked for one because he's been feeling like he needs the strength right now. He's been feeling more exhaustion and pain lately. It seems most of the blessing was about him having peace while he continues with whatever needs to happen next (with treatment). He was told he has a wife and kids supporting him and that we will be with him until the end. There were some other things that were said - but, that was the gist of it. Somehow, it confirmed to me that we are at the beginning of the end.
I had the thought, "He's dying.", go through my brain a couple of times during the blessing. There's also something about all three of the men crying through the blessing that didn't help me to keep myself in check. I'm grateful for the spirit that was here.