Figuring It Out

I have not been consistent in publishing posts. For the most part - I haven't been writing. I also have a few posts that I've started but need to finish and publish. Things have still been happening and I know I've lost a few thoughts/experiences because I haven't written them down yet.
I've been having a difficult time with pretty much everything for the past couple of months. That's part of my reasoning for not writing more. I had been thinking that I was going to get into more of a habit of being consistent - instead I did the opposite. I don't know exactly what has been going on. I have been doing the very minimum. I was doing more than I thought I would to be by myself and just be sad or exhausted - or both. I haven't been able to figure out where to go from here. Everything is different without Layne. I still have a hard time realizing he's gone. I get it intellectually. Someone dies and they're not coming back (okay so that happened once - but, I don't think it's slated to happen again when there's no reason for it). I know Layne will not be coming back. There are times I feel like other parts of me think he might be - maybe it's the wishing part - maybe it's the part that doesn't want him gone - maybe I think that if I miss him enough he'll appear again. I don't know. I just know I miss him and I've had a hard time getting past that to the productive part of life that I'm supposed to be jumping into wholeheartedly.
I felt like I was down after the funeral. I felt like I needed to keep going from the time he passed away to the day of the funeral. I don't know if it was the adrenaline or all the people that were helping. But, something kept me going until it was over. I crashed after that. I somehow made it through and thought I would just move forward. I started doing better with working with the kids and accomplishing some of my own goals. The holidays came and went and I seemed to have crashed again after Christmas was over. Maybe it was the same kind of thing. I held on and then had more things that I needed to work through. I don't know. I just know that January and February have been neither productive or cheerful. I have been doing enough to survive. But, the word thrive is far from how I would describe the last couple of months.