Four Months

This morning I thought about the fact that tomorrow will be four months since Layne's death. Sometimes it seems like it was another life time ago. Other times it doesn't seem real and I wonder if I'll ever wrap my head around the fact that he's gone. I feel like I've mostly just been going through the motions. Well, some days. Some days I feel like I don't even want to do that. It's odd how when he was healthy, we were used to having him gone during the day. Now it feels different. In a way it's as if he's just gone for the day - in a way I have to remember that he's never coming back. That's the hard part. He's not coming back. It's not as if we can pretend he's just on a business trip or working out of town for awhile. He won't be coming home at the end of the work day...or after his run...or back from a meeting at the church. He's gone. I don't like that. Sometimes I want him to come back - even if it's just for a hug and a quick conversation. But, I know that can't happen. Other people are kind and give me hugs and I appreciate them...but, it's just not the same. I know life will never be the same and I'm not sure what to do with that or how to react. I don't know what life is supposed to look like anymore. I don't even know how to figure that out. I just know that life will truly never be the same.