Note To Self

Make sure you have Layne teach you how to make homemade guac., hummus, and salsa. Oh - and all of the other yummy recipes he has mastered. The Chef Daddy legacy needs to live on.

Happy Anniversary!

It's been a year since Layne's cancer finding colonoscopy. He had another one yesterday. He was impressed by how quick they were. I think the drugs they used temporarily did something to his memory because he kept confusing last years colonoscopy with the surgery he had weeks later. The surgery took quite a bit longer. Although, my memory also says that this time was much quicker because we weren't kept for a longer period of time in order to have a conversation with the doctor about his findings. Everything went fine. It was nice to see the words, 'normal' and 'heathy' on some documentation for once. We'll see what happens with the rest of the tests this week.

Human Lab Rat

Layne will be doing some testing this week to see if he qualifies for the first clinical trial he's going to do. I'm a bit nervous. The staff sent home some documentation with explanations. There's everything from what they will be doing, to why they are doing the tests, to what's expected, what to expect, and side effects that 'may or may not be permanent'. We've talked about it - but, it's not something that you're ever excited about. We'll see how things go. He'll need to qualify first.

Next Steps

Layne met with the oncologist last week. Chemo is no longer an option for him. He was told about a couple of clinical trials that are available. They don't sound very fun. I was told about the side effects and now just don't want to think about them. We're not sure what will be happening next - we're still trying to make sure that is the next step for him to take.
It's been a year since his last colonoscopy...so, that will be scheduled and taken care of soon. He also has a vision test. Both of the clinic trials include vision issues as a possible 'side effect' so they have to check and see rather his eyes are healthy enough for it.
During all of this, I am very aware that there are tumors inside of him that are probably growing. Some prevention on the progress of those would be really great right about now. It always takes time (and then some).

But Wait...There's More

The results are back. The tumors he already has have grown, there are also two new tumors that have developed since the last scan. They're all still in the same area of the body, so at least that part is good...no spreading to other organs. He will not be doing HIPEC.
They also found multiple blood clots in his lungs. We'll need to start giving him the same injections we did after his surgery. (I say 'we' - but, that really means that I get to do that.)
I had a feeling that HIPEC might not be the way that things would go - so, I'm not surprised about that part. As we talked about it - we both still felt like things will work out the way they are supposed to in the end. It's hard not to know the next step. It's obvious the second type of chemo wasn't working...so, we'll have to go from here. Layne did mention some sort of group that is doing some testing right now. I don't know exactly what that is or if it's an option.
A year later, it still feels like we keep going back to the drawing board. Although, we now know two types of chemo that won't work and that HIPEC is not an option. We just have to have the faith to take that step into the dark.

Whatever Will Be, Will Be

I just dropped Layne off at the airport. He's heading to Houston to do the assessment routine again. This will be the time they'll tell him rather he's able to do HIPEC or not. In a way, I'm a little nervous - in another way, I feel like it'll be whatever it's going to be and we'll go from there. I guess it could be compared to being pregnant, getting an ultrasound, and finding out the gender of the baby. The facts are already there - you're just going to find out what they are. So, whatever will be will be. I remembered that while we were talking this morning. Before that, I was more nervous. Now I feel like things really will turn out however they need to...at least we'll have a better idea about what the next step will be.
IF he does end up doing HIPEC, it's currently scheduled for mid June (just in time for my birthday).

Past Post

I just found this draft...originally written 5/27/12

To Be or Not To Be

This seems to be our phrase these days. It's been a challenge to not know if a loved one has cancer or not. We were told weeks ago that Layne has colon cancer and that he needed to have a procedure as soon as possible. That has since been corrected. 'They' don't know if he has cancer or not. There is a mass that has pre-cancer cells, but there's not enough evidence either way to know if there are cells that have developed to the cancer stage. We won't know until his surgery at the end of this week. We have gone for weeks now...thinking he has cancer and then not knowing if he does or not. The not knowing is hard. And yet, knowing doesn't seem like such a wonderful option either, unless we know it is not cancer.

The hard part about not knowing is not being sure of what to think or how to plan. For the most part, I try not to think about it; to keep busy with other things. Although, I haven't found a way to move quickly past the 'what if' thoughts that pop into my head occasionally. A couple of my first thoughts were about how I would miss him and how would I support our family and raise 4 kids by myself. I have also had times when I have noticed and appreciated the little things about Layne and having a companion that I love.

Layne is more anxious than usual. It's hard for him to not know and especially to deal with the unknown of how it will be to have part of him taken out and how his body will heal and function once that happens. He is one to worry. So, it's been a bit rough. He has done his best to joke about things occasionally.