I just found this draft...originally written 5/27/12
To Be or Not To Be
This seems to be our phrase these days. It's been a challenge to not know if a loved one has cancer or not. We were told weeks ago that Layne has colon cancer and that he needed to have a procedure as soon as possible. That has since been corrected. 'They' don't know if he has cancer or not. There is a mass that has pre-cancer cells, but there's not enough evidence either way to know if there are cells that have developed to the cancer stage. We won't know until his surgery at the end of this week. We have gone for weeks now...thinking he has cancer and then not knowing if he does or not. The not knowing is hard. And yet, knowing doesn't seem like such a wonderful option either, unless we know it is not cancer.
The hard part about not knowing is not being sure of what to think or how to plan. For the most part, I try not to think about it; to keep busy with other things. Although, I haven't found a way to move quickly past the 'what if' thoughts that pop into my head occasionally. A couple of my first thoughts were about how I would miss him and how would I support our family and raise 4 kids by myself. I have also had times when I have noticed and appreciated the little things about Layne and having a companion that I love.
Layne is more anxious than usual. It's hard for him to not know and especially to deal with the unknown of how it will be to have part of him taken out and how his body will heal and function once that happens. He is one to worry. So, it's been a bit rough. He has done his best to joke about things occasionally.
This makes me wonder what you think, reading this post 10 months later. Are there things you wish you could tell yourself a year ago? Are you feeling generally at peace with where you guys are in the process?
ReplyDeleteI second that. And I need an update on what is happening. And a report about Hawaii!
ReplyDeleteNow I feel like Layne is just a human science experiment. I have realized that it's all about waiting...while the time you have left with the person keeps ticking. It was hard to wait to find out about rather he had cancer or not. Now, we're used to the fact that it takes time to figure things out - but, we still don't like it. It continues to be hard to plan because we don't have details we need. But, we just do the 'one day at a time' thing. I'm not sure I would have done anything different at the time. I still have some of the same concerns and questions. What's going to happen to Layne? How are we going to pay for all of this? How long will he continue with the company he's with right now? What will I do for employment? And, how am I going to take care of four children by myself? What will happen with homeschooling? What are we supposed to be learning and when is the lesson going to be over? I know it'll all work out how it's 'supposed' to work out - but, I'm not sure what that is - or, how long it will take to find a new normal depending on what that is.
ReplyDeleteI have a draft of our Hawaii trip going on our family blog. No, I'm not sure why it has taken so long get it posted. I still need to finish it and get some pictures put in it. Fabulous trip!