Courage

"Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'".

I read this as a quote from President Monson the other day. His picture was with it. I wonder if the person that put it together knew that it's actually President Monson quoting Mary Anne Radmacher in a talk he gave. Whatever the case, I love it and wanted to give the proper recognition.
I think I might have gotten a little lump in my throat. There are many days where we just say...we'll try again tomorrow. I didn't realize that might have had anything to do with courage. I think courage is the gift of rising above the challenge...even when it's hard...no matter how much you want to give up...no matter how easy it would be to give in. It takes courage to move forward in a positive way. The harder the challenge, the more courage it takes. It's faith in action. It's perseverance at its best.

Monday Already?

Sorry to have gone through the week-end without posting anything.
Layne had his second treatment this past Friday. He also met with people at the wellness center (to put together a fitness plan) and the nutritionist. (I'm impressed with the services they offer...sort like and 'all inclusive' resort.) It feels like a day of several appointments one after the other...with the last one being around four hours. He was in a bed this time instead of a chair. He had a great view last time too. I think he ended up in the bed because he was a couple of hours late for his chemo. The doctor was a behind schedule...which seems to be the case whenever we're there.
Some of the after effects from last time are apparent again. His fingertips and toes continue to be sensitive to cold. He also feels weak.  He describes it as feeling like he has the flu...just without the aching feeling. He's just not up for doing as much. (Although, he put in a full Sunday yesterday...complete with an early meeting, the three hour block, another meeting, home teaching and then our home teachers coming to visit us. I think there was a nap somewhere in there too.)
When Layne finishes the round of treatments at the hospital, he has another that he gets to take home with him that drips in slower than the others do. He gets to be connected to it for a couple of days and wears a nifty bag over his shoulder to put it in. (A patient actually made a bunch of them for other patients...how cool is that?) While we're at the hospital, the line has to be flushed, a drug is pushed in and then he's hooked up to the one that goes home. Once he's home (and done), the line gets flushed again, we put medicine through that guards against blood clots, and then take out the needle (that's been in his port the whole time). Guess who gets to do all of that? Yep...Moi. When they first told me that I would be the one doing it...it was understood that I would watch someone else do it a few times and then take over once I was comfortable doing so. Last time we had a nurse show us what she was doing at the hospital and then when we were home, another nurse showed us how to do the last part. It didn't occur to me that after seeing it once, I would be expected to do it. It's not a big deal for them because they do it often enough that they're used to it. I think it makes a difference when it's someone you know, you've only seen it done once and you've never dealt with syringes and people all at the same time. I didn't do the final drug this time. But, I think I might 'get' to do it next time around. There's a story behind who's supposed to do what and what insurance covers and doesn't...I've already written plenty on the topic for one day, so we'll save it for another day (maybe).

Chill Factor

Last night Layne asked what we were going to do in the winter. It took me a second to figure out what he was talking about...the fact that he was pulling the sheet over himself while I was attempting to keep the sheet off of me because of the heat was a big clue. He's a bit concerned that if he's a little chilly now...how cold will he be during the winter when the weather is actually chilly instead of in the triple digits. I'm not sure what we're going to do.
I thought about the day before when he wore jeans to work and commented about it being cold at the office. It's August. I'm used to seeing him wear shorts and a short sleeve shirt to work during the summer. (Oh, to have the dress code of an engineer.) It was odd to see him walk toward his truck with long sleeves, long pants and actual shoes (instead of sandals) on. It was then that I had remembered that on Monday I noticed him wearing pants and had wondered if he had any shorts that were clean. I haven't washed any of his lately. Hmm...
I don't know what we're going to do this winter. I guess like everything else, we'll have to wait and see.
In the meantime, we get to go for another treatment tomorrow. We're hoping this one doesn't take as long as the first one did.

Morning Thoughts

I cried in the shower this morning. I randomly remembered a free concert we went to this summer. (I'll have to share the name of the group as soon as I can think of it...three men that have been performing together for decades. I'd love to give them proper credit.) They sing a song called, "I'll build you a rainbow". Anyone that has heard it, knows that it came out years ago. It's about the relationship a boy has with his mom that has a terminal illness. She takes the opportunity to spend meaningful time with him. It's about the possibility of family relationships being forever, the bond that a mother can have with her child and about remembering those who have passed away. Layne mocked me for being a little teary eyed at the time. I had to explain that there's just something about a mother and her kids...not to mention the new slant on the song when you know there's a strong possibility your spouse is going to die because he has a terminal illness. There's also just something about children growing up without one of their parents around because of death.
So, that's the random background. I had the memory of hearing that song and then had a few thoughts come to mind. The timing is such that it's possible Layne will be around (in two years) to baptize Rachel. It's against the odds that he'll be around (6 and 7 years from now) to see the boys go on their missions. And, the odds of seeing any of the kids get married or hold a grandchild...well...it would be a true miracle. It's hard to think about and I'm doing my best to have a positive attitude about our lives with cancer, but I think it would be unhealthy to just ignore the reality of it all. I don't want to live in denial. I don't think it would be good for anyone. So, sometimes I just let myself be sad about it.

School!

We started our homeschool yesterday. It seems odd to think we're launching into another year. Life as usual. Layne is at work and I'm at home with the kids. It feels good.
Now I just need to actually be productive...yep, life as usual.:}

A Little Tired

Layne went back to work yesterday. My only concern was rather he would be tired or not. I asked him about it when he got home. His response was, "I was a little tired after my walk during lunch.". Really? It's the first day back to work and he feels the need to sneak in some exercise during lunch. He mentioned he had a few minutes of head nodding after that. Apparently, the rest of the day went just fine.
He also had a co-worker (and their family) give our family a fun gift of the makings for ice cream sundaes. (Thanks Sorensons!) It worked out perfect for our 'treat' last night. Jacob was in charge of that for our Family Home Evening and anyone who knows...knows that he will choose ice cream just about every time. It made it even more meaningful knowing that it came from a family that worked with Layne and the boys on LegoLeague last year. So fun to have it be from a family we've all met and think are great. (We're all very grateful Layne works with some fabulous people. I truly think some will be life long friends...including those who go with him on hikes, walks and for disc golf not long after he's had chemo.)

So much to say...so little time.

Wow! It's August already. We've made it through the first few days of chemo. Layne's still working with a loss of appetite. It still humors me that he was given a steroid that would have side effects of 'feeling emotional'. Hmm...
The kids and I went to Discovery Gateway (Children't Museum) today. The Wizzgiggle Puppeteers were putting on a show. We've seen them several times at the library and have always enjoyed it, so decided it would be fun to see them again. We hadn't seen them perform yet this summer. We have a membership to the museum so we spent some time there afterwards also.
We came home, had dinner and the boys went to Scouts. It was all so 'life as usual'.
I had a chance to play the piano tonight too. I have worried about playing because I haven't wanted to bother Layne. He seemed to be alright tonight, so I gave it a try. It's always therapeutic for me...so, it was nice to have the chance.
I think one of the things I'm going to start doing is dating posts when they happened. So, that means you might need to check older posts if you want to read the whole story. It seems inconvenient, but I wanted to try for the correct chronological order so it'll make more sense later on.
I will also be adding more pictures and links.