I cried in the shower this morning. I randomly remembered a free concert we went to this summer. (I'll have to share the name of the group as soon as I can think of it...three men that have been performing together for decades. I'd love to give them proper credit.) They sing a song called, "I'll build you a rainbow". Anyone that has heard it, knows that it came out years ago. It's about the relationship a boy has with his mom that has a terminal illness. She takes the opportunity to spend meaningful time with him. It's about the possibility of family relationships being forever, the bond that a mother can have with her child and about remembering those who have passed away. Layne mocked me for being a little teary eyed at the time. I had to explain that there's just something about a mother and her kids...not to mention the new slant on the song when you know there's a strong possibility your spouse is going to die because he has a terminal illness. There's also just something about children growing up without one of their parents around because of death.
So, that's the random background. I had the memory of hearing that song and then had a few thoughts come to mind. The timing is such that it's possible Layne will be around (in two years) to baptize Rachel. It's against the odds that he'll be around (6 and 7 years from now) to see the boys go on their missions. And, the odds of seeing any of the kids get married or hold a grandchild...well...it would be a true miracle. It's hard to think about and I'm doing my best to have a positive attitude about our lives with cancer, but I think it would be unhealthy to just ignore the reality of it all. I don't want to live in denial. I don't think it would be good for anyone. So, sometimes I just let myself be sad about it.
You go right ahead and let yourself be sad!!! You are so, so brave to try to be positive most of the time that it would be too much to think you could be that brave ALL of the time!
ReplyDeleteI have to say: we're still holding out for a miracle! I love you! Carolynn
PS The shower is the very best place to cry, in my opinion.
I was just coming to check in for the day and I have to say--the shower is also my place to cry. (Has been since my mission because I can be alone there.) I think you are so very brave, Teresa, but also so very wise. I believe in miracles, even if those miracles are that you are able to squeeze more amazing moments into less time. (One of the blessings of homeschooling.) Love you from here.
ReplyDeleteMy dad and I just read this together and our hearts are full of love for you. You're in our thoughts and prayers!
ReplyDeleteTeresa you have expressed yourself in such a beautiful and tender way it makes us all shed a few tears with and for you.Tears are a gift from God to be used for just such occasions. I think you did well to save them for the shower! I know you are managing this because you have made a decision to do so and I am sure the Holy Ghost will help you in his role as comforter. However he can't, nor do we want him to, take away the feelings that well up of concern for your family and love for your husband. The Savoir mourned and so will you. If it helps, keep in mind that we mourn with you.
ReplyDeleteMuch love,Mom
When I was going through everything with Cristian, I read a great talk about Elder Maxwell that meant so much to me. I will have to find it for you. But for me, what was so meaningful, is that the basic message of one portion was that even though we have faith, and we push through, and we can choose our attitude in adversity, and all of those great things that we already know, sometimes it is "alright to tremble." That let me know that it was alright to have moments and days when I couldn't hold it together. Good job. I think you are doing exactly what you need to do. You are not doing anyone any favors by being in denial about some of these possibilities out there. We hope for the best, and work for that in our prayers with you. Love you!
ReplyDeletePS- I say that not because I think you are asking permission to have those times. You know you don't need to. I am just validating that. :-)
ReplyDeleteTeresa,
ReplyDeleteI want you to know how much I love and respect you. Always have and always will. Thanks for being willing to let us into your thoughts and your heart through this blog.
Much love,
Melissa