Work To Do

I just checked the numbers on the posts. There are a total of 578 posts. The counts are 291 that are published and 287 that are drafts. Umm...I have lots of work to do. I will eventually edit and publish all of the drafts. I also plan on adding photos. I know...such an original idea for a blog. So, lots of work to do.
I started editing a post today and started feeling a bit weepy. I hope I make it through.:} This can be tough stuff to remember and mull over as I get the wording worked out. I could take awhile.

Three Act Play

I feel like my life is a play with three scenes. There is an act before I met and married Layne. Act two is life with Layne. And, the final act is life after Layne. The first two acts have both been good in their own ways. I've been blessed with some great life experiences and lessons. I don't know how things will play out in the third act. I do know that it will be okay. Somehow, the story will continue.

Cuddling

I realize this is a random thing to post. I just happened to see it this morning. It brought to mind two things.
1. I miss the physical part of a marriage relationship.
2. I recognized how blessed I was to have had that in the first place. I had something that many people in our current world do not have the opportunity to experience. Obviously, marriage is a lot more than just someone to cuddle with for an hour a week. I had all of that.

So...even though I miss him and I miss us...today I'm remembering the saying about how it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I'm feeling grateful my earthly experience has included being married to and making covenants with someone I love. I'm even more grateful that I know I will see him again. An eternal marriage is infinitely better than whatever this guy has to offer.

Saw this video and then posted this to LDS Widows and Widowers.
This guy gets paid to cuddle strangers video from Elite Daily.

Update

I realized I haven't given much of an update. It seems like there was awhile when I just felt like I couldn't get anything done...wasn't able to make things happen. I feel like I've been doing better with that lately. I have been able to do better about having a plan and accomplishing at least something every day. 

I've also been able to do a bit more with routines. Things that help me take care of me and take care of the kids...and all the other details that go along with being in charge of everything around here.

The kids have been helpful in their own ways. I'm so appreciative of them and all that they bring to our family. I'm hoping we'll be able to continue moving forward.

More To Come

I have quite a few posts that I haven't finished/edited/published yet. It's close to half of the posts that I've started. There are hundreds. I guess I better get busy doing more writing and publishing. It seems like there are so many things to say and not enough time to say them all. I'm going to make more of an attempt to get the current and new stuff written. I'm also toying with the idea of starting a blog that's more about being a widow. It feels like a different perspective. Maybe it's time.

Hammock+Dr. Pepper=Layne

Jacob is out in the hammock drinking a Dr. Pepper. I wonder if Layne is watching. He would be proud. Layne was the one that thought of getting a hammock way back when we lived in La Jolla student housing. We would be able to see the ocean from the back porch where our hammock was hung. We took the same hammock with us to Utah. Again, it was hung (weather permitting) behind our townhouse. There were nights summer concerts happened at Red Butte Garden when we'd put the kids to bed, lay in the hammock, and listen to the concert. When we moved to our current home - we found a place for the hammock in the back yard. After years of use, we were in need of a new one. I'm sure Layne found a deal somewhere. The kids and I still like to go and use the hammock for reading, observing nature, napping, and thinking...or just being. I think of Layne often when I see the hammock. I remember the times we shared a hammock and enjoyed what the local life had to offer.

The other part of my first sentence that made me smile was that Layne's favorite soda was Dr. Pepper. I'm not sure most people knew that. We don't really do the soda thing very often. I love that the kids and I will choose the same occasionally. It's a bit of a family favorite. 

So...the hammock and Dr. Pepper...Layne would be proud...or at least notice with a smile. I hope he's doing that today.

Point At You

This is another one that reminds me of Layne. He introduced the song to me. I just had to do the link instead of the actual video...wouldn't work for me. It's a Justin Moore song called 'Point at You'. He told me I was better at representing us in public than he was...I was the one that made us look good...the 'better half'. I don't know about that. It's fun to have the memory of being on a date and having this song come on...he would sing it in his twangy voice and point at me on cue.

Missing Each Other

In the last post I went straight to my thoughts at the time of Megan's question. Maybe I'll continue with that conversation now. It reminded me of when Rachel and I were talking and I really felt like Layne wanted me to let her know that he missed her before she left the room at the end of our conversation. (I'm not sure I've posted that one yet. I'll need to check.) Megan asking if her Dad ever missed us was tender. I'm glad they think about their dad. Her actual question was really about whether I had ever thought of that before. I think she was just being curious and wanted to start a conversation.
We talked about Dad being gone...about him leaving...about all of us still being here...how we at least still have each other. Yes, I think he misses us. I told her about my realization a little while ago that  he does miss us. (That might be another one I haven't posted yet.)
There are times I wish things were different - but, they're not. Layne is gone and we are here. So, we're all just trying to make the best of it. I know he is...not sure how...but, somehow I just know he's busier than he's ever been and he thinks that's a good thing. He'll always be known as a 'doer'.

Growing Old Together

We were listening to this song when Megan asked, "Do you think Dad ever misses us?". She brought me out of my thoughts where the lyrics talk about growing old together. Finding out you have cancer at age forty is not growing old together. Layne dying two days after his forty fourth birthday...that's not growing old together. By that point, he was hoping to 'be done' before his birthday. I remember he waited for me to come home the afternoon he passed away. He was so ready to be done...but, not without saying good-bye and telling me he loved me one last time...a testament of his commitment and grit all at the same time. Whenever my mind wanders to what the future might have been...it feels a bit unfair. Life is different knowing you'll be growing old all on your own. I am aware that others have done it...and it will continue to be done...it's just not what the plan was supposed to be. There's just remembering when...

True To The Faith

I was asked to read this in Relief Society today. It was handed to me partway through the lesson. I agreed to the request without even reading through it. Father's Day is not the best day for a someone that watched her husband fade away before he passed away to read a story like this. I got emotional at parts. The article is titled, "True to the Faith of Our Fathers", by President Monson. It's the First Presidency message for the July 2016 Ensign.

No Idea

I had to listen to this one again tonight. Life is hard. I'm really feeling that tonight. There are so many times I have to admit that I have no idea what I'm doing. I occasionally wonder why Layne had to leave - or why I'm the one that's still here. I'm still trying to figure it all out. I'm trying to find my purpose and what I'm supposed to do next...along with trying to just do the day to day. I'm not even doing that very well. Being a single parent is hard. Trying to figure out the future for five people is hard. I truthfully have no idea what I'm doing. I know that someone does...I just haven't been clued into the agenda yet. It feels like there should be some sort of itinerary and there's not. So, I do things like listen to songs that remind me that I have a purpose after the kids have all gone to bed...except for one that is determined to stay up later than me tonight. (It was so much easier to have 'my' time when I decided the bed time. Teenagers.) Here's to hoping I get clued in soon.

A Day

I actually had a day today. I actually got up and accomplished things throughout the day. There was nothing earth shattering...no huge project tackled...no winning of the lottery...just a day. I felt like I could move through the day and that was okay. There wasn't a time when I felt like I needed to get away to read or take a nap. I was able to think about what I was doing. It was kind of nice.

Choices

When Layne and I first found out about his cancer we realized we had a choice to make.
I'm realizing that I have a choice to make now as well.
Choosing to move forward with faith.

7 Months

Today marks seven months. I'm not sure what to think about that. It feels like it was another lifetime that he was here. I'm also not sure what I've done with the time. Reality is setting in more. I'm attempting to do more with both returning to and establishing routines. I have a hard time being productive. He was always so good at that - full time student and employee, time consuming callings, his running and biking - and then at home...let's just say I'm realizing more and more how much he really did at home. I knew he was helpful and he made it a priority to spend time with the kids. But, I never realized how much he picked up the slack of all the things I didn't get done - along with all the responsibilities he took on with the house, yard, and vehicles. Occasionally I wonder, "What did I really do again?". So...besides missing him daily and wishing I had the healthy version of him back on a regular basis...I sure miss having 'everything' getting done around here in such a seamless manner. It's hard being the one left behind.

One Chance

Today was a beautiful spring day. I saw a man riding his bike as I was out and about. He was on the trail and from what he was wearing - I knew he was pretty serious about riding. It reminded me of Layne. I had a thought. 'There are no re-dos.' I reminisced about how Layne was concerned about being done. He didn't feel like he had accomplished all he was supposed to do. He doesn't get that chance back. None of us get our chance back. When it earthly experience is done - it truly is over. We get lots of do-overs...times when we get to represent and try to so better...make things right. But, we don't get to try the whole thing over again. It makes me think that it's important to do the best we can.

By Myself

The last while I've been forced to figure out a way to do things on my own. We've had people giving help. But, I still feel like I'm the one that needs to at least have every topic on my radar. This week...we had two days of a dead battery in the van. Grateful it's running now.

Missing Date Night

Tonight I made Mac & Cheese for the girls and I. They had a friend here too. The three of them ate outside. (The boys are gone hanging out with friends.) I was reminded of 'date night'. We did a lot of switching with other parents when it came to child care. The kids thought they were getting together with friends and the adults had a chance to go on a date. Win/Win. (Ok. So maybe I'm a tiny bit picky about who takes care of my kids. Oh. And cheap. It's less expensive to do trades. Better care for less money. That is a win/win.)

Anyway...I was reminded of date nights because we would typically feed the kids when they were here. It was usually something simple that all of the kids would tolerate. So - Mac&Cheese+Kids Eating/Playing Outside=Date Night (when we were on kid duty). 

It's also a Friday - so, that's a factor too. I miss date night. There was a while toward the end that we didn't do the child swapping thing because the kids were old enough to take care of themselves. 

I miss date nights. I miss being able to spend time with Layne. I miss being able to go and do things with him. I miss 'just the two of us'. I miss his laugh and his smile. I miss the 'just for me' way he would look at me. I even miss having other kids come over when it was someone else's turn to go out. I miss seeing him interact with all the kids. I miss Layne.

Hallelujah

I first saw this and was so grateful for a Savior. It also made me want to pull out a picture of Layne. I know I will see him again.

Thanksgiving in Mapleton...November 22, 2012

Encircling Arms

I went to the UCAP Conference on Saturday. It was great. I'll share some thoughts about that elsewhere. I wanted to share an experience I had while I was there. I was sitting down and getting ready for the next session. A guy came and sat down a couple of chairs away from me. Part way through the session, he rested his arm on the back of the chair between us. No biggie - except for the fact that I suddenly felt like it had been a long time since Layne had put his arm around me. I felt alone. It's hard to have reminders that there's no significant other waiting for you at home when you're out and about doing your own thing for the day. It's going to be a long time before I get to have his arm around me again.

Conversation Prompts

So, yesterday I heard the kids play this one a few times.

I like this song. It reminds me of Layne and being able to see him again. I was curious as to their interest in the song. Jonny said it was his new 'jam'. (He says that just about every time he finds a new song he likes.:}) I asked the kids what the interest was...telling them that it reminds me of their dad. They said it reminded them of him too. Well, Megan and Jonny did...I think the others were in agreement.
I asked the kids what they remembered about their dad. I feel like we don't talk about him a whole lot. He'll come up in conversations...but, it's usually not a conversation in and of itself. Here are some of the things mentioned. The girls both remember him laying downstairs watching shows. Megan says it's weird not to hear country music and TV shows coming from downstairs anymore. Jonny remembered some of the same regarding how things were towards the end. Jacob says he remembers, "Dad being a crazy busy college student.". That comment reminded the others about going to the lab with dad and getting to spend time with him...and have a chance to see all the cool equipment. Jonny also made a comment about remembering him towards the end because that's when they had the most time to spend with him because he wasn't going to work or anything.
At some point in the conversation, I asked about whether it was hard for them to remember their dad before the end of his life. That's when they said some things about when we lived in student housing - when we considered him to be healthy. I also got to the point of my having a hard time remembering him as healthy after he first died. I had to put effort into remembering the guy that was a runner and had muscles. That started them talking about dad not having very much hair...and reminiscing about our wedding pictures where he has quite a bit of hair and I have longer hair that was actually styled fancy. Layne kept his hair short for years. So, I'm sure that's why they remember that about him.