There are times it feels like there is no way to 'win' when it comes to traveling to Houston. If I go, I miss out on events with and being there for the kids. I miss being with them and having time together as a family. If I stay, I worry about Layne and how things are going the whole time. I feel selfish for not being there to help and support.
This time I've thought even more about it. There are things happening at home that I would love to be here for this weekend. There's also a greater chance that the scan will show the tumors have grown and he won't be doing chemo anyway. (If that happens - he's done with the clinical trial because the treatment isn't doing it's job anymore.)
I am remembering today that just last week Rachel brought up our missing out on a memorable Halloween event this past fall. That's hard too - I know the kids notice and remember. I will remember not being able to be two places at once and really wishing I could be. Is there some superpower for that? Sign me up.
The pull is real. I'm not in your situation, but I feel the pull in my life as well.
ReplyDeleteThe Lord has consecrated my decision to go back to school, but there are definite sacrifices that accompany mom being in school. I'm comforted in knowing that I am going in the direction the Lord has approved. You're definitely doing the work the Lord wants you to do. I wonder if it's a more common part of a womans life than we realize. Have you ever met a mom who didn't want a clone? Sophia is constantly pointing out my failings, and Jennie's best friends are home-schooled and she constantly begs me to do that for her. I recently had a breakdown and had to tell my whole family that they're just going to have to put up with the imperfect mom that I am. They realized that their expectations were unrealistic and apologized for their dramatic demands. My breakdown ended up building us all up and strengthening our relationships.
You're only one person. One really great person. You're living your life to its fullest and magnifying your calling of mother and wife every day. You are enough.
I still want a clone or two.
I agree with Sherrie! I do think, though, if the tumors have grown, Layne will want you by his side more than ever--chemo or no. Your kids know you love them and know you are doing everything you can. It's still hard to miss out on special days--like recitals and birthdays! :-( Love to you all!!
ReplyDeleteMy kids and I were just wishing I had a clone as well. Best wishes and prayers for you and your family this weekend
ReplyDeleteOh Teresa....these posts just break my heart! I want so desperately for a miracle and for you and Layne to not have to go through all of this.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Carolynn, that if the tumors have grown, Layne will need you more than ever. I also know that while your kids talk now about the things you are missing out on, in the future, as they look at your love, care, and support for Layne at this time, it will provide them with an example for what they want in their own marriages. They will appreciate that you missed their activities and spent time together with your husband when he needed you too.
Those are agonizing choices. You are right about missing out on something important either way. We pray for you, Layne and the kids every day.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about your family a lot this week as I prepare a lesson about the "who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind" story. I struggle with the Savior's response, "neither hath sinned but that the works of God should be made manifest."
Cyndi and I have a friend who lost her husband to cancer shortly before finding out that she was pregnant with her first child. This week I asked her what she thought of the Savior's response. She told me about how at her lowest of the lows she was praying and telling Heavenly Father that there was no way that she could go on. She said that she felt an overwhelming sense of the Savior’s love as though he was physically wrapping His arms around her. She said that she could feel His anguish over her suffering and felt him weeping with her. She hated every moment of that trial but wouldn’t trade the relationship that she developed with Christ for anything. She believes that the works of God were made manifest in her life during the height of her trial and since.
Though I felt the Spirit as she told me that story I still struggle with Christ’s response to the question about the man born blind. I’m sure that I just don’t have her level of faith. But I do pray that someday you’ll have that kind of experience if you haven’t already.
Love,
Steve