Knowledge is Power

I went to the temple today. I knew Layne was going to be in the Houston temple this afternoon, so I planned on being in the temple here around the same time. I was even really sappy and wore a dress I know he likes along with a scarf he bought for me while on a business trip to Germany.
I'm glad I went. It had been too long. I sat and enjoyed the peace at the end for awhile. I even had someone come up and hug me while I was weeping a bit. It made me grateful for all of those who want the best for us, those who are praying for us and offer to help in any way they can. That made me a little more weepy.
I was also thinking about the idea that part of the grieving that's done when you know a loved one is going to die is done before they go. I'm glad in a way. If my spouse is going to die young, I'd rather know and prepare than be shocked, grieving and attempting to figure out the future all at the same time. This way, if there are logistics that aren't in place...it's my own fault. (Maybe more should be done about that right NOW.) There won't be too much shock because I will be expecting it at some point. And, some of the grieving will have already happened, right? What a great plan. I think I still might be a bit of a mess for the first little while.
I'm grateful for the times we've had to spend time together as a family. I want the kids to have good memories of their dad and know that he tried to be a good father for them while he was around. I want them to have a desire for our family to be together again.

HIPEC Assessment

This was written previously. It's the post I referred to on the November 20th post. I was going to share more background information...but, Layne's post gives explanation and this is just more of my reaction to it.
Layne found out today that he is scheduled for a HIPEC assessment the first week of December. You might be asking, 'What is HIPEC and why is it being considered?'. It was something that was discussed when treatment was first being determined. It was decided against because it is invasive and it's not nationally approved. They only do the tried and true approved treatment at Huntsman. The results of the last scan that was done means that Layne may or may not have some new masses growing. It was suggested that HIPEC be looked into again. The doctor knows someone in Houston that does it. All I know is that it scares me. I'm not sure it guarantees much, it's hard on the body, is expensive (not sure insurance will cover it) and takes awhile to recover. I grieved all over again today about him dying and what that means for me, our family and the future. The girls have asked me several times tonight if I'm alright. The boys/Layne are gone scuba diving. (Layne's going as an 'adult on the surface'.)
There are times I try not to think about what is going to eventually happen and it's been awhile since it hit me hard. Tonight was just one of those times.
Layne doesn't seem to be a bit concerned. He thinks it's available...so why not try it? It seems to be the scientist in him.

Houston

So on October 25th my oncologist had me do another CT scan to see how things were progressing with my chemotherapy.  He said they found two potential tumors in my abdomen, that may or may not have been there since the the last scan in July.  The tumor board met regarding my case again, and although they don't agree with the procedure, decided it would be wise to refer me to a center where they do HIPEC (Hyperthermic Intraperitoneal Chemotherapy).  You can look for information about it online, but basically they open your abdomen, root around for tumors to remove, and then slosh hot chemotherapy drugs around inside the abdomen to kill anything they can't remove.  It is very invasive and they are highly selective about the patients on which they perform the procedure.  But they also have very good outcomes for the patients that receive HIPEC.

I will be traveling to Houston on Monday to visit MD Anderson Cancer Center to see if I am a candidate for this procedure.  I did not receive any chemotherapy yesterday in preparation for this visit, and the rest of my chemotherapy treatments depend on what they decide.  If they say I am a candidate for HIPEC, then I will be doing whatever they say to prepare and my current chemotherapy may end.  If I am not a candidate, then my oncologist said he probably will change my treatments slightly from FOLFOX to FOLFIRI and Avastin.

Hopefully the doctors at MD Anderson will have an answer for me by the end of my visit next week.  Teresa and I will let you know when we find out.

Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers.

Layne

Reality Is...

I don't often think about the future without Layne. It's not an everyday realization. It would probably be too depressing if I were to focus on it. I just did a post about the most current happenings. And truthfully, today is one of those days that reality has struck. It's been a bit sobering and a little tearful.

There are times I think it would be nice to just be done...to just have things work out like I think they should and then be done with cancer. It seems that each step of the way, there has been a twist in the story for us. I'm beginning to not appreciate it (to say the least).

(I will need to post what I wrote earlier at a later date, considering some background is required for it to make more sense. I just decided to write it while it was fresh. I have to start somewhere, right?)

Grateful for Little Things

Who was the crazy person that thought I could update a blog while diving into the holiday season? I wasn't getting it done before and now that life seems to feel a little busier...I'll just do one more thing...consistently.
Layne made Mazurka Bars today. I just did a taste test. They passed. I started to think again about who is going to make great stuff for us in the kitchen if Layne isn't able to do it. We would be without homemade hummus, guac., salsa and most currently bread. This doesn't sound very appealing to me.
Oh, and I'm also now remembering that I was thinking similar thoughts when Layne was showing me how to turn off the outside water (and do various other things) in order to be ready for winter. Our timing happened to be great because a day or two later we had snow...for three days straight.
I'm very grateful for all he does around here. He has taken on the task of the family laundry since he's been home too. Love that one! Today it was me out with the kids raking leaves while he was inside doing something that didn't take much energy. It's usually him doing those kinds of things, at least on a Saturday.

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow

It's been snowing for the last couple of days. The kids are out playing in it right now. It's kind of fun because it's early enough in the season that it's still a novelty. Even so, can't help but think of sunny Hawaii before winter is over.

Update?

Yes, we need an update! Here's a list of eventual posts.

Half Way Done!!

#7 Complete

The Saga Continues (Scan)

HiPec

Changes in Treatments

Layne at Home

Finances

Doctor

Homeschool

One thing after another...after another

There's more? (Reflux)

Not Sure About #8

Schedule???
Huntsman Hospital

Life Moves Forward

A.P.A.P.

Need to Write

I'm sure there are other items...just going off the top of my head right now.

I just found the list I jotted down a week ago. In addition to the items above, here are a few more. (I'll have to remember (eventually) what some of them meant. (So great to be old.)

How Layne's Feeling
Garage/Coat Hooks
FHE Talks
Holidays
General Conference Messages (Death)
Priesthood
Who Will? (Yard, Organize, Food, Explain to Kids)
Organize
Testimony
Library
Learn
Layne/Laundry
Family Together