What Will I Do?

Today is one of those days where things have caught up with me and I just want a few minutes to cry. Yesterday Layne helped to get a large oatmeal container open. It was being opened for the first time and I just wasn't getting it open. I was glad he was around and helped. I asked him what I was going to do when he was gone and then we hugged and moved on with our day. Later in the day I thought the same thing while we were kissing. And, I had the thought this morning too when I smelled some of his clothes. I had smelled one of my own shirts to determine if I needed to toss it in the laundry or not. Then, the thought came to me about others smelling the clothes of a lost loved one or holding a sentimental item. That's how I ended up on Layne's side of the closet smelling his clothes. I didn't expect that I would start to cry. I can't imagine his half of the closet empty...or getting rid of his things. Maybe I'll have something that I keep - just to remember.
This morning I realized I would miss joking around with him and that I would miss his laugh. I will miss the snuggling, the intimacy, and someone to keep me warm at night. I will miss his help with the kids, our family, the income, the home, and the yard. I will miss being part of a couple. I'm not sure what it feels like to be identified as an individual anymore. (No, I don't mean in a 'I'm not whole without him' or 'I don't know who I am' kind of way - it's more of a 'just what I've gotten used to' kind of thing. I don't really remember how to be single and certainly don't know what it's like to be a widow at this point.)
On the other side of the coin, maybe some of my emotions are coming from being the 'not quite as organized as I'd like be' kind of person that makes me panic and just a bit stressed as Christmas approaches and I'm not ready. I'm sure there's more than just thinking about losing my husband that's making me a bit weepy. Although, at the same time - that reason could stand on its own.
Time to go do something happy - or at least something productive. Or, maybe I'll start small and cry before moving on with my day. Because I don't want to leave on a sad note - maybe I could start with appreciating the beautiful day outside. It snowed all day yesterday - so, today we're starting with a layer of beautiful snow, a clear blue sky, and sunshine. I love the chance for a fresh start after a gloomy day.

New Normal

At our last appointment, Layne asked again about anything else he could be doing. He's grateful for the results. He's also a logical, scientific mind, meet a goal kind of a guy. He's wanting a definite time frame for being back to working full time, not feeling exhausted, running again, and getting back to what he's been used to doing. He feels like he just got settled with things at work and then cancer happened. We both laughed when he compared having cancer with working on a doctorate degree. Life seems to drag on with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Success Story

We spoke with the oncologist yesterday. After hearing that there was no more growth of the tumors, we spoke with the guy who manages the clinical trial. He asked Layne if he'd be alright with being a 'success story' for a report he was doing. We joked a little about it. We were told that Layne was the only one still doing the trial they had started months ago. It would be told as an anonymous case study and just have the clinical details given. It was nice to be able to have a light conversation about a clinical trial. I also like that those who are there, do their best to keep the conversations positive - even though they might be sharing not so great news. I'm not sure I'd go so far as 'upbeat' because they also do well with being compassionate when needed. I like that they are genuine. We are very grateful to be moving forward. The oncologist extended the time frame for another appointment with him. That was a nice feeling. It was as if everything was OK for a few minutes.

Anniversary

Yesterday was our 17th wedding anniversary. We went out Friday evening (leaving the kids with grandparents) and then spent some time with family on Saturday. We took a fall picture that I will attempt to post at some time. We had a memorable week-end.
I caught myself thinking about last year. At that point I wasn't sure if it would be the last time we would be able to celebrate together. I'm glad we've had another year. It's been a crazy one. I truly think we are closer as a couple for struggling through a few things as a team.
Here's to another year...crossing my fingers for the opportunity to celebrate together next year.

Future Plans

We dropped the boys off tonight for an event at the library. The girls had come with us because Layne was at a meeting. When we started back home, one of the girls mentioned that she missed the boys already. We started talking about spending time with family...and, the fact that all of them will eventually move out when they are adults. They weren't sure about the idea. I told them that their Dad and I would miss them when they were gone. I was reminded that by that time Layne will be gone and it would just be me that missed having the kids around that I get to spend time with each day. It sounded a bit lonely. I didn't mention anything to them about it. They might have asked why Dad would be gone and I'd have to explain about cancer and dying again. Instead, the conversation was turned to the future and the dreams they have for it. It'll be interesting to see what they choose.

Not Alone

I have been concerned about taking care of our family when Layne is gone. This morning I was asking for help in my prayers about this very topic. I have been flustered with looking into options for income and nothing seeming to be right. I have also been concerned about homeschool and if we'd be able to pull that off with just one parent. I have thought about all that needs to be done to maintain a home, yard, and family. I have also given quite a bit of thought about helping the kids with their testimonies on my own. There are so many concerns. I pleaded for help with being prepared to be alone. It seemed that before I was even finished with the sentence, a gentle voice stated, "You will not be alone.". I wept for a bit and then eventually pulled myself together. I think there are times I will probably feel lonely and overwhelmed...but, I also know that I will never be completely alone. I'm still a bit nervous about managing everything. But, it's nice to know that it won't just be me.

Grateful for...

This morning I was reminded of being grateful for new flannel sheets as I climbed into bed last night, because I was grateful for them again this morning. It's one of the indications of fall and chilly weather for me to start using the flannel sheets again. Layne actually bought a new set just a week or so ago.
I was attempting to wake up (I always consider this my first accomplishment for the day...after years of practice, I'm still not very good at it.) and thought of the fact that I was grateful for one more day to wake up next to Layne. I'm so thankful that he's still around and we continue to have time together. It reminds me that when we first found out about his cancer...there was a good chance he was going to be gone by now. I'm glad that's not the case.
I know when our experience here on earth is over, it's not the end of who we are or our relationships. I also know that at this point my preference is to have my husband and father of our kids here with us. All of that seems like he would be so far away...for such a long time. When that time does come, I hope it still feels like he's near and that the time will seem to go by at a decent pace...not slowly, as if in a bad dream that won't end.
Time to be done...I'm crying and the kids need breakfast.

Scheduling

Layne went into another Wellness Appointment this morning. He goes in for more tests on Friday and to see the oncologist. Throughout the week he will also fit in a couple of days where he'll head into work for a few hours each time. He put in some hours last week and it ended up being longer than originally planned. I'm a bit worried about that part. The agreed upon eight hours will end up being ten or fifteen. Like I said before...we'll see how it goes.
It seems like it's just more to fit into the schedule. We also talked this morning about what we're going to do with the kids to help them be active. So, we're going to fit in some of those things around when Layne will be gone for work. We've gotten used to having him here. So, now it feels a bit like we're scheduling around his work schedule.

Current Goals

The past week has brought a couple of new goals to light. Layne has been keeping in touch with fellow employees at work. He's thinking about returning for a few hours a week. We'll see how it goes.
He's also working with the guy he does his 'wellness appointments' with to start running again. I'm sure they're not talking a marathon any time soon...but, Layne would like to attempt to actually get some running in again - eventually.
It seems odd to be working on goals that seem to work toward a future. We have been attempting to make sure we're prepared for Layne to be gone - but, to have plans that include him being around for a least a little bit is a slight shift for us. It's not a complaint. It's just realizing...again...that there's always a reason we're adjusting to a new normal.

Chilly

Layne went golfing this morning. He has been cold ever since. It's only mid-October. I'm not ready for him to be cold yet. This is the guy that used to think about whether to wear pants or shorts to work on a day like today. It's a little chilly - but, not cold. A beautiful autumn day actually.
About the golf - they went to a place not too far away. I was glad a friend from work contacted him about it. I'm glad he 'works' with great people. He has some true friends from there who are just good people.

Most Recent Results

The results from yesterday were about the same as they were last time we went. We were glad there was no growth. Well, there was a small amount of change, but there has to be a 20% change in order to count. So, we're still hoping that what is working will continue to do so.

Happy Oncologist

We went in for the results of Layne's scan today. The tumors have no significant growth. So, Layne will continue doing what he's doing. The oncologist seemed thrilled. He came in saying there was good news. I think he was just glad there were no new visible tumors and that what was there had basically stayed the same. That's apparently great in his line of work. We thought a miracle would be really cool...such as no tumors at all. But, reality had to take over.
Layne will go in again in a couple of weeks to do what's required for the trial. They need to their updates too. After that, there will be a scan again in a couple of months for another update on the tumors. It seems we're moving forward.

"It's Just A C.T. Scan."

I asked Layne this morning if he wanted me to go with him for his appointments. His response was, "It's just a CT scan." I had to chuckle. I think he's the only person I've heard make that statement. He said it would be mostly sitting around and then I couldn't go into the room for the actual scan anyway. I thought he might want some company. But, that only comes at the price of not being here at home and he's sensitive to the fact that we're starting 'school' today. (I had to put it in quotes because we're a bit relaxed about it right now. We all need to ease into it. Although, I'm excited about some of the things we'll be doing this year. But, that's a different blog all together...so, time to move on.)
Layne's scan will be today and then he'll discuss the results with the oncologist tomorrow. We'll see if  I  get to be there for that or not. I like being there when he gets results back from his tests because it seems to sound different coming from the oncologist than it does from Layne. He'll describe it more in matter of fact scientific terms. Somehow I feel like there's more sympathy if it comes from Dr. Guerrido (and his compassionate nurse). It's almost as if they realize that what they're saying is pretty serious stuff. And, he always wants to be sure we understand what he's telling us. Layne understands quite well. (He's always been good about explaining his scientific world in simple terms.) Sometimes he misses the human aspect of it. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Lately...

We've been doing summer things lately. We've been having fun and doing some projects. We've been wondering a bit about what comes next and we've spent most of our thinking time considering other subjects.
The kids have been enjoying the lazy moments. Sometimes I wonder if they understand what's going on with Layne and then I realize that I'm not sure about that either. I wonder how they will be doing a year, two years...five years from now.
Layne seems to be more tired than he was before. He continues to take a low dose of chemo daily (along with other medications that are attempting to counteract some of the reactions he's experiencing).
I have been doing my usual...can't get enough of learning more about learning. Someday I want to figure out the perfect homeschool combination for us. For the near future, I have a few plans to put together in order to implement them.

A Day's Work

Layne spent 7.5 hours on our yard today. He's not very good at following directions when his wife lets him know that it's time to be done. The kids and I were out there during the afternoon. I kept hoping he would go in mostly because I was concerned about him and partly because I was ready to be done and knew I couldn't go in until he did. The last hour or so, he kept saying, "I need to be done.". I would agree with him - but, then he would still be outside. My list of concerns included him just plain being worn out, getting sunburned, and knowing that he has a 12 hour day tomorrow. He starts a clinical trial and it makes sense to me that he not be worn out before he starts. But apparently, my logic has nothing to do with it. I do have to say that our yard does look better. I'm also incredibly grateful that he worked so hard...even though I'm a bit nervous for him. I think he's going to be sore tomorrow morning.
The kids and I had the chance to see 'Race to the Moon' this morning with some other homeschool families. (You can click here to read more.) So, I already felt like we had played a bit while he worked. Maybe another reason I wanted him to not work so hard was because I felt a bit guilty for enjoying and play and our kids while he chose to slave away.

Note To Self

Make sure you have Layne teach you how to make homemade guac., hummus, and salsa. Oh - and all of the other yummy recipes he has mastered. The Chef Daddy legacy needs to live on.

Happy Anniversary!

It's been a year since Layne's cancer finding colonoscopy. He had another one yesterday. He was impressed by how quick they were. I think the drugs they used temporarily did something to his memory because he kept confusing last years colonoscopy with the surgery he had weeks later. The surgery took quite a bit longer. Although, my memory also says that this time was much quicker because we weren't kept for a longer period of time in order to have a conversation with the doctor about his findings. Everything went fine. It was nice to see the words, 'normal' and 'heathy' on some documentation for once. We'll see what happens with the rest of the tests this week.

Human Lab Rat

Layne will be doing some testing this week to see if he qualifies for the first clinical trial he's going to do. I'm a bit nervous. The staff sent home some documentation with explanations. There's everything from what they will be doing, to why they are doing the tests, to what's expected, what to expect, and side effects that 'may or may not be permanent'. We've talked about it - but, it's not something that you're ever excited about. We'll see how things go. He'll need to qualify first.

Next Steps

Layne met with the oncologist last week. Chemo is no longer an option for him. He was told about a couple of clinical trials that are available. They don't sound very fun. I was told about the side effects and now just don't want to think about them. We're not sure what will be happening next - we're still trying to make sure that is the next step for him to take.
It's been a year since his last colonoscopy...so, that will be scheduled and taken care of soon. He also has a vision test. Both of the clinic trials include vision issues as a possible 'side effect' so they have to check and see rather his eyes are healthy enough for it.
During all of this, I am very aware that there are tumors inside of him that are probably growing. Some prevention on the progress of those would be really great right about now. It always takes time (and then some).

But Wait...There's More

The results are back. The tumors he already has have grown, there are also two new tumors that have developed since the last scan. They're all still in the same area of the body, so at least that part is good...no spreading to other organs. He will not be doing HIPEC.
They also found multiple blood clots in his lungs. We'll need to start giving him the same injections we did after his surgery. (I say 'we' - but, that really means that I get to do that.)
I had a feeling that HIPEC might not be the way that things would go - so, I'm not surprised about that part. As we talked about it - we both still felt like things will work out the way they are supposed to in the end. It's hard not to know the next step. It's obvious the second type of chemo wasn't working...so, we'll have to go from here. Layne did mention some sort of group that is doing some testing right now. I don't know exactly what that is or if it's an option.
A year later, it still feels like we keep going back to the drawing board. Although, we now know two types of chemo that won't work and that HIPEC is not an option. We just have to have the faith to take that step into the dark.

Whatever Will Be, Will Be

I just dropped Layne off at the airport. He's heading to Houston to do the assessment routine again. This will be the time they'll tell him rather he's able to do HIPEC or not. In a way, I'm a little nervous - in another way, I feel like it'll be whatever it's going to be and we'll go from there. I guess it could be compared to being pregnant, getting an ultrasound, and finding out the gender of the baby. The facts are already there - you're just going to find out what they are. So, whatever will be will be. I remembered that while we were talking this morning. Before that, I was more nervous. Now I feel like things really will turn out however they need to...at least we'll have a better idea about what the next step will be.
IF he does end up doing HIPEC, it's currently scheduled for mid June (just in time for my birthday).

Past Post

I just found this draft...originally written 5/27/12

To Be or Not To Be

This seems to be our phrase these days. It's been a challenge to not know if a loved one has cancer or not. We were told weeks ago that Layne has colon cancer and that he needed to have a procedure as soon as possible. That has since been corrected. 'They' don't know if he has cancer or not. There is a mass that has pre-cancer cells, but there's not enough evidence either way to know if there are cells that have developed to the cancer stage. We won't know until his surgery at the end of this week. We have gone for weeks now...thinking he has cancer and then not knowing if he does or not. The not knowing is hard. And yet, knowing doesn't seem like such a wonderful option either, unless we know it is not cancer.

The hard part about not knowing is not being sure of what to think or how to plan. For the most part, I try not to think about it; to keep busy with other things. Although, I haven't found a way to move quickly past the 'what if' thoughts that pop into my head occasionally. A couple of my first thoughts were about how I would miss him and how would I support our family and raise 4 kids by myself. I have also had times when I have noticed and appreciated the little things about Layne and having a companion that I love.

Layne is more anxious than usual. It's hard for him to not know and especially to deal with the unknown of how it will be to have part of him taken out and how his body will heal and function once that happens. He is one to worry. So, it's been a bit rough. He has done his best to joke about things occasionally.

Tick Tock

February 16, 2013

Cancer seems to take so long to figure out. There are times I think Layne is a human science experiment. I'm sure that if we did a survey, most cancer patients would feel that way. It would be great if there were a set of treatments that worked for everyone, you did them and you were done. I'm sure if we could figure that out - we'd save lives, improve the quality of life for many and even make a few bucks in the process. But alas, it doesn't work that way.
One of the things that continues to amaze me is the time it takes for each step along the way. For example, when Layne first had a colonoscopy to attempt an assessment of what was going on, the cancer was found. I don't think surgery happened for another month. (I'll have to check the calendar, but I really think it took about that long.)
The reality is that as we're trying to figure out what's going on - time keeps moving forward. Time is not something that's on the side of the cancer patient. There are other things we'd love to be doing with our time together besides chemo treatments. There are other things we'd love to spend our money on.
When we first learned that Layne would be taking some time away from work, we thought we could travel a little bit (not very far or very often) with our family. It doesn't really work that way. The schedule has to work around chemo and the finances have to work around treatments, prescriptions, and travel for more surgery/treatments.
It might sound like a complaint, but it's really not. It's just the way it is. I'm glad we do get to have chances to get out and do a couple of things. We'll have the opportunity to go to Hawaii, get the kids to Disneyland (we think), head to Seattle, and maybe even head to Southern Utah in order to see the sights (and family). (We haven't done much planning on the last one or another trip to CA to see Layne's folks.)
Amidst all the rambling, I think the point is that as we're busy living our lives in a way that we hope will help Layne be around a little longer - we're also aware of the fact that it all takes time. And, that is something I wish we had more of to work with right now.

Hawaii or Bust

We're on the countdown for Hawaii!

Things we're looking forward to:
NO Snow
Spending Time Together
The Ocean
Relaxation
Making Memories
Walks on the Beach
The Full Experience

Things we will not miss:
Planning Meals
Doing Dishes
Scope and Sequence
Wool Socks

Thanks again to my siblings/their spouses for making it possible and to my parents for taking on the challenge of our children for the duration.

(Layne hasn't been feeling well today. We're hoping that he'll improve in the next day or two. It's the kind of 'not feeling well' that I would not force onto an airplane.)

News from Houston (second time)

I went to Houston again to visit MD Anderson.  They did a CT scan and Wednesday and I met with the oncologist Thursday.  The long and short of it is they still don't know if I qualify for HIPEC.  There was no new growth, the tumors visible in the last scan had not changed significantly, and the area near my bladder did not show any growth (that was questionable last time).  Those are all good things, but it was still not clear enough to say yes.  So for now the plan is to continue with the chemotherapy I am on and return to Houston in two months for another check-up.  If things work out for HIPEC then, it may happen in June.  But all of that is subject to change.

Layne

Extended Miracle

In Relief Society today we discussed the Holy Ghost. When the question was asked about a time when we benefitted from someone else following a prompting, I couldn't think of anything. I knew there had to be something - but, nothing came to mind until later in the lesson when something that was said reminded me of Layne's surgery in June.
The surgeon had taken out all of the tumors he had seen. The typical protocol is to just leave them in and let the chemo take care of them. At the time I was grateful that he had done it. The doctor had made it very clear that he just 'felt right' about doing it, so he did. I remember thinking that I was glad he had and that even if it had no medical ramifications, it gave me some peace to know that all that was visible had been taken out.
Since our conversation, Layne has had tumors return and they have grown. The time in between the two scans was only about two weeks. The tumors found were smaller than what the surgeon had removed. I was grateful again at that time that they had all been removed during surgery.
The Holy Ghost reminded me again today that he had prompted that surgeon to do what was best for this scenario. We didn't know anything about Layne's type of cancer at the time. We didn't realize how aggressive it is or how quickly the masses would grow. If the original tumors had not been removed, I truly feel like there's a possibility Layne would already be gone.
Today, I'm even more grateful. I realized even more how important it was for that to happen. It's great to feel peace about something. It's even greater to know that in my ignorance it really wasn't about me feeling good about it. (Although, it's a nice side gig.) The knowledge we didn't have at that time made it so we couldn't have realized what a great blessing it would be medically also. Those tumors were large and would have grown and spread rapidly. Someone, somewhere knew that even more than the surgeon did. They needed to come out, or there would have been some serious consequences. At the time, there was no reason to believe that it was anything more than the slower growing, generic cancer. (Which would be great right about now.) It was very clear to me that I was being reminded that there is someone who knows the future...and each of us in a very personal way.

Cupids, Flowers and Chocolates

Valentine's Day is not a favorite for Layne. He's not a fan of anything he's 'supposed' to do just because 'society' says he's should. It's on the calendar - so, you're expected to do something romantic and enjoy being together...and pay extra for it. It's not the being together or even the being romantic that bothers him. It's the idea that someone else is going to tell him when and how. He thinks it's all a ploy by retailers to make more money.

As a result, I received flowers today. The thought behind them was, 'Yes, I do love you and enjoy spending time with you.' Phew...I was a bit nervous about that one. It's fun to have flowers and I'm grateful for them. (I think part of the motivation may have been a comment about him bringing flowers randomly when we were dating. Very Romantic!)

Celebrations

I mentioned that we celebrated when Layne finished 12 chemo treatments. Our family also celebrated last month when we finished the Book of Mormon (again...we really should keep track).
This month we have marked in simple ways Groundhogs Day and Chinese New Year. We are having some serious discussions about how to celebrate Valentine's Day. Well, at least the kids and I have done so...I'm not sure what Layne and I will be doing. (It depends on how 'romantic' he's feeling. I might just have to talk him into something...something simple I'm sure.) We still have President's Day and a child's birthday to celebrate later in the month.
We celebrated the 100th Day of School last month too. The kids were excited about making progress!
Layne heads to Houston again in another week or so - we'll see if there's anything to celebrate on that front after he's done with his appointments there.
P.S. A day later...I forgot to mention Mardi Gras...which is today! Layne and I will be going to the temple on Thursday and possibly out to lunch. (It's great that he has a 'flexible' schedule these days.)

Clues We Homeschool

Originally Written December 21, 2012

We have white boards and other school supplies in our front room.
We go to concerts in the middle of the 'school day'.
We plan our outings around when there will be fewer crowds.
We're used to people looking at us funny when we're out in public during the middle of the day.
We take breaks when we need them...not when the bell rings.
Our children like watching shows like 'American Ride', 'NOVA', and 'Mythbusters'.
A typical response when asked to join us; '...just one more page', or 'I'm almost done with the chapter.'.
We love all the free events/resources at the library. (We're a bit partial to free events in general.)
It's not unusual for our library cards to be 'maxed out'.
We love to go online and find out random (and not so random) information.
The kids love to pursue their own interests.
We read, write, and do math in real life ways. (Along with science, P.E., and art.)
There's no 'homework' in the evening.
We get excited about 'cool' resources.
We have our own inside jokes.
We get to be together.
Our family is stronger than it used to be.
We multi-task with hikes up the canyon or along the river taking in several curriculum topics.
It's amazing what kids learn when they don't even realize it.
 

Empty

I do fine most days and other days things creep up on me. Tonight I was hugging Layne and started to cry. The thought, 'I don't want you to die.', came into my head. I don't want him to leave. When I try to imagine my life without him, I just can't do it. I attempt to do that because I'm hoping that it will get me more prepared for the reality that's ahead. I don't want to go without the hugs (and all that other 'mushy' stuff). I have no desire to independently raise our children on my own. I'm so used to saying 'we' instead of 'I'. It will be a tough transition all around. I think I will have a tough time trying to get to sleep in an empty room with an empty bed. I will need to work hard not to have an empty heart.

Baker's Dozen

On Friday we will go in for Layne's 13th infusion. When we first started, we were told they would try twelve and then go from there. I just heard the 'twelve treatments' part. So, after this last one we had to celebrate...at least a little bit. We didn't do too much. Somehow it was still important to me to mark a milestone. I needed to acknowledge that we had accomplished something. Layne thought I was a bit silly because there will be more treatments. I realize we're far from done. But, at the same time it seems there has to be some sort of recognition along the way. It's too long of a tiring uphill hike to not take a moment to note the ever expanding view.

God Bless Us...

...every one.
This past holiday season we felt a bit like 'Tiny Tim' in 'A Christmas Carol' by Dickens. It was a time when we could have felt like we didn't have much to celebrate. And yet, we felt the true meaning of the season manifest in all of those who were so generous, giving and kind hearted that we couldn't help but feel blessed and loved. We couldn't help but feel the true meaning of the season and the joy that comes as the love of Christ is shared.
We had a fabulous '12 Days of Christmas' experience. I can't recall ever being the recipient of such a thing. But, this year was different in so many ways. I mentioned in an earlier post that it took me a minute to register the reason might have something to do with my husband having cancer. (Duh!) We were so grateful! It was fun to watch the kids get excited about it. Amazing items kept rolling in every day. Thank you to whoever you are!! We will always remember.
It was odd to think that this might be the last Christmas with Layne around. I'm not convinced that it is...it's just a possibility. We didn't do anything different in the way we celebrated. I think I reflected more on traditions and family togetherness that happens around that time of year. There were also a couple of things that just never got done. We were busy with other things and I wanted to focus on spending time together. It seems a bit selfish now that I just articulated that. I'm hoping everyone understands. And for some odd reason I don't feel compelled to apologize. That is rather selfish. I guess it's a priority thing. We didn't have time for everything - so, we just went with what was important in that moment. I'm glad we did. I guess it's a bit like learning to say 'no' when you really need to.
Thank you to everyone that helped to make our season so memorable. We truly will remember and continually be grateful.

Brrr...

It's been cold the last little while. Our basement is the coldest part of our house and the desk with my favorite computer is in the basement. (It's our only desktop computer.) I have not been inspired to spend too much time in front of it while the weather has been freezing (or less). I'm not a fan of single digit weather. We enjoyed our holidays...and we've had our snow. I'm extremely grateful that the weather was a bit warmer for a couple of days. It helps my heart to see sunshine and be outside with the family.

January update

Here is the latest update.  I have now received a fourth treatment with the new chemotherapy regimen (the twelfth overall).  The drug combination is called FOLFIRI, with Avastin as an addition.  The difference between this and the FOLFOX that I initially received is the OXaliplatin, which caused my neuropathy, has been replaced with IRInotecan, which causes diarrhea and hair loss.  The Avastin can cause bleeding.  Sounds like fun stuff, doesn't it?  Fortunately I haven't experienced any hair loss (as far as I can tell) and the diarrhea has not been bad as long as I watch what I eat.  It is really only rough for the first few days after treatment.

The plan going forward is to have another treatment on the 8th of February, and then return to Houston and MD Anderson on the 20 and 21st.  I will have another appointment with my oncologist here on the 22nd and possibly get chemotherapy depending on what the doctors in Houston say.

I asked my oncologist here if I could have a CT scan done before I go to Houston, to see if there has been a change that would necessitate the trip.  He suggested that they will want to do their own scan at MD Anderson (the oncologist I met with there told me as much last time), and getting two scans is not a good idea. 

So in the mean time we are hoping that this is the treatment that works, and that I become a candidate for HIPEC.  At least that is what I am hoping as I think it gives me the best chance for survival, not that the procedure sounds fun at all.  Teresa is just hoping that this can all be done and I will live for a long time.

Layne