Headstone Accomplishment

I started to think that I should just get it done. I had first thought to give myself up to a year to get the details worked out. After visiting his grave - I knew I needed to get it done sooner. I was grateful I had someone that had offered/agreed/committed to help financially with this specific purchase.
I had thought to look into other companies for the product. The cemetery is about an hour away from our house. (Another story - but, definitely for another time.) The other companies I had in mind were closer to the cemetery than our home. The thought was to go in for information and possible ordering when I was down in the area. I didn't necessarily want to drive down just to visit the companies on site. (I had looked at websites but they didn't have the information I needed for a specific order. I was going to need to go in.) The occasions that got me close by ended up not working out for me to get things done and I would end up going back home without accomplishing the task. It was partly logistics and partly not wanting to deal with it when I was there. It might be that one has to be emotionally in the right place to order a headstone for a loved one (and oneself).
I was checking details from the original pre-order that we did with the mortuary one night. I was thinking about the fact that it seemed to cost a little more than the other places did - by this time a sister-in-law had called both of the places I had in mind and had gotten a basic quote or two. She shared the information with me and that's when I realized that the other places would be less expensive for seemingly the same product. I was trying to figure out scheduling and when I could get to the locations to find out more information and place an order. While I was looking at the order sheet a thought came to me..."just get it done"... I think Layne was tired of my back and forth lack of action taken. I knew he wanted the task accomplished and that I should just go with the original company because that's what would be the easiest and what we had already planned. I called the next day to make an appointment with the sales gal that I had been introduced to when at the mortuary taking care of funeral details. I was thinking the appointment was going to be at the location I had gone to before. It was actually about a 25-30 minute drive. That was more than I'd hoped for - but, I still ended up being fine with it. I was just happy to be moving forward. I went to the appointment, made decisions, and left feeling really good. One thing I was pleased with was that according to the information I had - what I ordered was a little less than what I remembered the quote being from one of the other companies - and there was even a bigger difference for the other company. I remembered leaving and thinking that I knew for sure that the original order we did was definitely more. I attempted a dignified response when being shown the price and knowing it was significantly less then what I recall the number to be on the original order. I witnessed a little miracle. I just felt very blessed. I was so grateful that things worked out the way they did. Everything just fell into place. I kept trying to make it work the way I thought it was supposed to work. When I just decided to go a certain route it all worked out just as needed.
(End note: I mentioned a pre-order a couple of times. If an order is put together before the person dies - there's a better deal because you planned ahead. The order we did originally was thought to be at a little bit of a discount. Thus, part of the reason I wasn't expecting the cost to be half to two-thirds the number that I had in my head.)

Headstone Background

I ordered our headstone on Thursday. I'm pleased with how it worked out. This is kind of three parts...one is a little background, the second is my efforts to accomplish the task and the third is about what I chose to put on the headstone and why.

I have been thinking about getting this accomplished since Layne passed away. We had talked a bit about what to put on it and other details surrounding the decision. We decided to do a double headstone and not to do anything too extravagant or showy. He also didn't seem to want anything on there that was just going to fill up space. I asked about roses one time and he shook his head, rolled his eyes, and smiled. No roses. The answer was not a big deal. I already knew what he would say. I was also fine with the answer. I didn't feel any need to have roses on there either. I wasn't quite sure what to put on - besides the basic information. I knew there should be something else...just not sure what to have that be.

I had a thought to have it done for our anniversary (November 16th). Those of you who know anything about this are laughing right now. I understand. For those who don't know why that was a silly thought - here in Utah they have crazy requirements...such as no snow on the ground when they place the headstone. So unreasonable, right?:} I think there was something else. I was told that anything ordered after September 1 is given a 'not until the spring' guarantee. So, chances are it won't be happening in another couple of weeks. (I also probably ordered a bit late to make that happen in the first place.)
One other detail - we included the headstone in the package deal we put together with the funeral home. When we were quoted a price for the specifics it seemed like we might have been able to do something a little less expensive. But, at the time it seemed easier to just go with what we already had done. When it came time to pay for the funeral I needed to cut costs a little. So, I took off the order for the headstone. I figured I could take care of it later...once I had more cash available. It would also give me time to decide what to put on it when my head was a little more clear.

We Did It

Today the kids and I worked on getting the yard 'winterized'. I have been a little worried about taking over everything Layne used to do. We would all help with the yard. But, he was the one in our household that had taken charge of home repairs and the yard. I think we did okay. I'm glad Layne had shown us what to do on a couple of things that we might not have thought of ourselves. Things are much easier when you know what you're doing. There were a couple of times when we were working away that I thought, "We can do this.". And really, we can. It was actually kind of fun to be working together. The kids do a pretty good job of being truly helpful. I think that was part of my relief today. There was a big task ahead of us and we accomplished it together - in just a couple of hours. Nice. We had the rest of the day to get some other things done and then just relax.

Time Marching On

It's been four whole weeks since Layne passed away. It seems like it just happened in some ways. I can't quite get used to him being gone. In other ways it seems like it's been so very long since he was here. I don't know when the part about missing him will ever go away. It probably doesn't - just would be nice to be able to function a little better.
It's kind of an odd day. The twentieth of last month was when we celebrated his birthday. It's the four weeks like I mentioned above since he passed away and yet in a couple of days, on the 22nd, it'll be a whole month. I'm not sure how to count these things.
Our anniversary is less than a month away. Nineteen years.

Dancing Partner

So...this guy is a favorite artist of Layne's. There are a couple of other songs that he listened to more than this one. But, this is one that I like. This is Layne. He doesn't dance - at least not in public. This song reminds me of the times it would just be us dancing in our bedroom...country music playing. No fancy foot work - just time to be alone together. I miss all the things that he would do just for me. If I were a singer/songwriter - I would write a country song all about it.

Roles

Thoughts from earlier...

We had the news that Layne would be spending the rest of his life at home on hospice. We both took on different roles. They weren't rehearsed - just shouldered as needed.

After that, I watched as more weight was lost...more energy was taken away...the desire to live decreased...the ability to do slowly vanished...the keen mind gradually deteriorated...the appetite all but depleted...reality set in as the spirit of hope was defeated...and that was all him.

I got to play the role of the strong one...the one that gained weight...the one that needed to display endless energy...the one that needed to keep life together for the family...the one that needed to take on all the responsibilities of family and home...the one that needed to learn much while taking care of another full time...the one that eventually had to make sure she ate even when a meal was missed...the one that displayed optimism even when not feeling it...and so much more.

Huntsman Team

Did I take a picture? Yes. I almost didn't. I'm glad I reached out of my comfort zone to make the request. I will always be grateful for the team he was able to work with at Huntsman here in Salt Lake City. Picture still to come...
Dr. Garrido, Layne, and Cami

The Past Year

I've ben thinking this morning about the past year. Last year at this time Layne was still able to function. We thought the treatment he was getting was helping - at least that was the hope. At one point, we got the news that a scan showed the tumors had shrunk a bit. That was a very good thing. Things were kept at bay for awhile. I watched him get more tired throughout the experience. I watched as he became a little weaker.
The trips to Houston eventually ended. His experience at MD Anderson was over. I then watched as he was told that there was nothing else to be done. The only offering was the chance to be comfortable at home until the inevitable happened. I don't think anyone is ever prepared to hear that bit of news. There are some things that don't take very long to say and yet they literally have a life altering effect. We knew it was coming. But, one is still never fully prepared.
Once home, quality of life continued to go down. It was hard to watch a guy that is athletic, has a keen mind, is a 'doer', a finder of solutions - one who participates fully in life - deteriorate to someone who can only watch and wait.

Remembering...

Started to tear up at breakfast - not even sure what I was thinking about at the time...Oh wait. It's coming to me. The girls and I were attempting to plan for the next couple of weeks. Maybe we'll get a few festive things in yet. That got me thinking about last year. I remembered that this time last year we were already leaving town every other week-end for Layne to have treatments in Houston. I remembered how I had missed some of the festivities the kids were enjoying here at home. I was grateful others helped out with that - I was also feeling sad about missing out on activities with the kids. I still love to see them enjoy what they're doing and being part of making some of that happen. (As they get older they take on more of the planning themselves.) I remember feeling like I was missing out and the kids were missing me (and Layne, of course.) It seems like it was so long ago.
I realized that this year is so much different. There's no more travel. I'm in town and able to spend time with the kids. (When I make that happen - another post.) We have a different schedule. But mostly, Layne is gone.

Single Scoop

On Monday, I was in Provo and went to the Creamery (BYU Campus) to get some ice cream. We typically go when we're down there and we're able to fit it in the schedule. Layne made sure it was a tradition of sorts for us. I got a single scoop with two flavors - mint brownie and peanut butter trails. (I just had to mention that part so I could remember the flavors...and, because it feels like such an extravagance having two flavors instead of one when it's a 'single' scoop.)
I sat down with my treat - didn't want to drive while I was attempting to eat. I realized I was the only person in there that was sitting by myself. There were a couple of families, a group of friends, and an older couple that I noticed. I felt very much alone. I observed the others that were there and wondered what their observations of me might be. Did they see a grey haired, overweight, single woman eating ice cream all by herself? I'm guessing most of them weren't even aware of my presence. Of course, that was part of the problem. No one noticed I was there.
This was my first experience going there by myself. I had always had some family or friends with me during previous visits. I think that's part of what made my experience such a lonely one. I was missing the company I typically had surrounding me. I was very much missing the kids - and missing Layne even more.

Checking Boxes

Today was the first time I had to check the 'Widowed' box in a form I was filling out. It was a bit odd. I had just spent some time talking with the kids about the term. That was easy. Owning the title is harder. I don't want it. I wish it was a little like the 'fishing' game that is done at kid carnivals - occasionally there's a second attempt in order to exchange toys. I want that option. I want Layne back. I was good with checking the 'Married' box.

Towels and Toothbrushes

10/12/15
We have hung both of our towels on the same rack for years now. A few days after he passed away I took the towel he had been using and put it in the laundry. There was now more room for my towel and it would be able to dry faster that way. I'll wash the towel, put it back in the drawer, and use it some other time. Simple. Done.
A couple of days later, I noticed his toothbrush. Hmm...that will never get used again...I guess I could throw it away. Sounds logical, right? Nope. Didn't happen. I couldn't do it. A toothbrush? I'm sure he was rolling his eyes. I haven't been able to do it since then either. So...his toothbrush will stay right where it is until I'm up for tossing it. It might gather a bit of dust - but, whatever.
It's odd how things seem unpredictable. Logic says one things and the heart says another. I guess that's the way it has been for centuries. I just didn't know how much it included simple household objects like towels and toothbrushes.

Remember

It's been three weeks since I watched Layne take his last breath. Yesterday marked two weeks since his funeral. I had a chance to visit his spot in the cemetery for the first time. I cried. It looked lonely. I felt lonely. I had a sentence come to mind. "This is not where I am." I'm not sure if he felt like that would make it all better. At that moment, I felt like a hug would have made it all better. I just wanted him to hold me - but, I knew he couldn't. I think it was his way of reminding me that he's closer than his casket. I felt it was also his way of sharing his testimony again. He wanted me to remember that he is much more than a body that is still filled with cancer. I think what he would want me to remember most of all is that he believes we are an eternal family and he will still be doing his part to make that happen for us. I love him. I miss him. Every. Day.

Wednesday Co-Op

9/30/15
After church on Sunday I just 'happened' to run into another homeschool mom. She's in a different ward and we really don't get a chance to talk very often. I told her about Layne. She told me about a homeschool co-op that her kids are attending. The details sounded great. There were qualified mothers taking on the whole thing. I would not need to teach anything. I would just be dropping the girls off. The topics sounded like something my daughters would be interested in pursuing. The cost was very minimal - pretty much just contributes to supplies. And, the location is just a couple of minutes away. It was also at a time when we could make it work. I think 'someone' might have been trying to tell me something. The viewing and funeral took up most of Sunday and Monday. I called the gal yesterday (Tuesday) to get to the contact info for one of the moms that was in charge. I emailed her and we got details taken care of right then. I took the girls over to experience their first time in the group. It was good that there were some familiar faces. Although, I think the girls would have managed otherwise as well. So, the girls will now be in a Wednesday morning co-op that will run until the middle of November.
I really felt like Layne was behind this one. I knew he thought it was a good idea to get the kids involved in things like this. I know that's part of the reason I acted on it. I know that's why I was able to have a clear mind as I thought about it and took action. My brain has been a little foggy lately.

So Grateful

I started this post several weeks ago. I just keep thinking of more to add - so I haven't posted it yet. I feel like we are so blessed. There have been so many people who have helped us in so many ways. All of it is appreciated. I have been impressed by the variety of services that have found their way to us. It seems that different individuals have different things to offer. We are grateful for all of them and for all of you.

Thank You Phillip Phillips

I was listening to the previously posted song on YouTube. The following song was this one. I had another Aha Moment. (That really is a term in psychology - your trivial for the day - you're welcome.) Okay, maybe it was just a realization that we're still a team. He's still aware of me. He's still mine.

Musical Messages

This. On the way home from taking the boys to Debate the other day this song came on the radio. It was the first time I paid attention to the lyrics. It felt like Layne's song for me - especially the beginning - I might have been trying not to cry too much - there were tears behind the sunglasses - but, someone had to drive - I didn't catch some of the lyrics at the end. I was already feeling like he was close. I had an experience earlier where I felt like he was speaking to me. There were also other thoughts I had when I was in the temple earlier in the day that helped me to be grateful for him and our commitments. I thought it fit in well with who Layne is...him and his music.

New Voice

Tuesday the 6th...Draper Temple. I dropped the boys off at Debate and was on my way to the temple. I was thinking about a decision that needed to be made with the kids. I was feeling flustered because I now had to make all of the decisions by myself. I was driving along and clearly had the response, "No. You Don't.", as I was making a left hand turn. It caught my attention. It was not what I was used to hearing - not my own thought nor the way inspired insights/personal revelation come to me. It was a different voice - the inflection was different. It didn't take very long to realize it was Layne. I didn't know that could happen. It was obvious to me that he thought it was silly I was thinking I needed to make decisions all by myself - that I thought I was all alone. I was even able to imagine the expression on his face. It was the same and yet very different from our previous conversations. It's good to know I'm not completely alone in this big wide world.

Two Weeks

Today marks two whole weeks since Layne had to leave. In a way it seems like it just happened. In other ways it seems like it has been so very long. I miss him. I don't miss taking care of a loved one 24/7. I miss the guy that would have already gone for a run, prepared for the day, and be at work right now. It would be great if his being gone was just for a brief period of time. But right now, the possibility of several decades doesn't seem very brief. It's probable that our time apart will be longer than the time we had together.

Missing Layne

I'm a little concerned this morning about how to get everything done. I don't know how to be two people. Layne was so helpful. There were things he took care of that I didn't even worry about because I knew he had it covered. There were things that he would see needed to be done and he would just do it. (I remember him hauling laundry up and down two flights of stairs when I was pregnant. He just sort of took over doing the laundry for awhile.) I've decided I don't really like being the one to be in charge of everything. I wasn't looking forward to that part - now I know why - truthfully, I don't think there were any parts of Layne being gone that I looked forward to...

Drawn to Drama

I was just looking at a couple of stats for this blog. It's interesting to me that some of the posts that were the most dramatic are the ones that got the most views. Somehow that's how we humans work. The more a topic pulls at our heart strings - the more we want to know about it. Maybe I'll do some experimenting - although, I have no idea what those 'experiments' would look like. Ideas are brewing. (Time to be done...starting to ramble.)

Funeral Wishes

So...the funeral. I'm hoping it was what Layne wanted. I will remember the chaos in attempting to get ready. I will also remember that all of it would have been much worse without all of the help that was given. There was help for the funeral, help for getting financial items in order, help with missing him and transitioning to a new normal (although, that obviously continues to be a work in progress). We also had some help around the house and lots of other things as well. Thank you to one and all.
I tried to honor what Layne and I had talked about when planning for the funeral and burial. I knew he would be watching.:} I knew he would notice the details - and whether they were 'right' or not. I also knew there were some details that could go any number of ways as far as he was concerned. It makes me smile to think of him being a bit of a micromanager about so many things and remembering that occasionally there were times when he wasn't really concerned about the details. There wasn't much middle ground with him.

Flower Tangent

It's odd to think that just a week ago we had Layne's funeral. Things worked out as needed. At this point, I can't really think of anything I would change. If there were something - it's too late now and I'm not going to worry about it. Oh. I would change how I handled the flowers. The Funeral Director told me how things would work - I just didn't think through the details. (He would have been more than willing to accommodate other options.) There are some flowers that were sent that aren't accounted for at the moment. I feel bad about that. If it was you - let me know so I can at least acknowledge the gesture. Ok. That was a tangent. Maybe I'll write a separate post about the actual funeral.

Time to Remember

Layne's new driver's license came today. I cried. He looks healthy in his picture. The eyes are blue...the cheeks are full and his face has color. I miss him. I'm trying hard to remember the guy in the picture. I keep remembering the guy that had lost so much weight that his eyes were sunken in and his cheeks were angular because of the bones that were so evident. I remember the look of pain. I need to bring back the memory of the look he had in his eye when he was laughing or smiling. I would also be up for remembering his look for me and only me. I'm trying to reach back. It will take some time.

Missing and Remembering

I'm home by myself tonight. The boys are out with friends and the girls are across the street playing with some friends as well. It's quiet here except for the music that I put on for some company. I miss Layne. I'd love to be able to see him again. One more hug. I'm trying hard to remember the guy that was able to hug me. I've been trying to remember the last time we hugged - the specifics aren't coming to me. I'm sure he remembers. He was able to remember just about everything.