Three Act Play

I feel like my life is a play with three scenes. There is an act before I met and married Layne. Act two is life with Layne. And, the final act is life after Layne. The first two acts have both been good in their own ways. I've been blessed with some great life experiences and lessons. I don't know how things will play out in the third act. I do know that it will be okay. Somehow, the story will continue.

Cuddling

I realize this is a random thing to post. I just happened to see it this morning. It brought to mind two things.
1. I miss the physical part of a marriage relationship.
2. I recognized how blessed I was to have had that in the first place. I had something that many people in our current world do not have the opportunity to experience. Obviously, marriage is a lot more than just someone to cuddle with for an hour a week. I had all of that.

So...even though I miss him and I miss us...today I'm remembering the saying about how it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I'm feeling grateful my earthly experience has included being married to and making covenants with someone I love. I'm even more grateful that I know I will see him again. An eternal marriage is infinitely better than whatever this guy has to offer.

Saw this video and then posted this to LDS Widows and Widowers.
This guy gets paid to cuddle strangers video from Elite Daily.

Update

I realized I haven't given much of an update. It seems like there was awhile when I just felt like I couldn't get anything done...wasn't able to make things happen. I feel like I've been doing better with that lately. I have been able to do better about having a plan and accomplishing at least something every day. 

I've also been able to do a bit more with routines. Things that help me take care of me and take care of the kids...and all the other details that go along with being in charge of everything around here.

The kids have been helpful in their own ways. I'm so appreciative of them and all that they bring to our family. I'm hoping we'll be able to continue moving forward.

More To Come

I have quite a few posts that I haven't finished/edited/published yet. It's close to half of the posts that I've started. There are hundreds. I guess I better get busy doing more writing and publishing. It seems like there are so many things to say and not enough time to say them all. I'm going to make more of an attempt to get the current and new stuff written. I'm also toying with the idea of starting a blog that's more about being a widow. It feels like a different perspective. Maybe it's time.

Hammock+Dr. Pepper=Layne

Jacob is out in the hammock drinking a Dr. Pepper. I wonder if Layne is watching. He would be proud. Layne was the one that thought of getting a hammock way back when we lived in La Jolla student housing. We would be able to see the ocean from the back porch where our hammock was hung. We took the same hammock with us to Utah. Again, it was hung (weather permitting) behind our townhouse. There were nights summer concerts happened at Red Butte Garden when we'd put the kids to bed, lay in the hammock, and listen to the concert. When we moved to our current home - we found a place for the hammock in the back yard. After years of use, we were in need of a new one. I'm sure Layne found a deal somewhere. The kids and I still like to go and use the hammock for reading, observing nature, napping, and thinking...or just being. I think of Layne often when I see the hammock. I remember the times we shared a hammock and enjoyed what the local life had to offer.

The other part of my first sentence that made me smile was that Layne's favorite soda was Dr. Pepper. I'm not sure most people knew that. We don't really do the soda thing very often. I love that the kids and I will choose the same occasionally. It's a bit of a family favorite. 

So...the hammock and Dr. Pepper...Layne would be proud...or at least notice with a smile. I hope he's doing that today.

Point At You

This is another one that reminds me of Layne. He introduced the song to me. I just had to do the link instead of the actual video...wouldn't work for me. It's a Justin Moore song called 'Point at You'. He told me I was better at representing us in public than he was...I was the one that made us look good...the 'better half'. I don't know about that. It's fun to have the memory of being on a date and having this song come on...he would sing it in his twangy voice and point at me on cue.

Missing Each Other

In the last post I went straight to my thoughts at the time of Megan's question. Maybe I'll continue with that conversation now. It reminded me of when Rachel and I were talking and I really felt like Layne wanted me to let her know that he missed her before she left the room at the end of our conversation. (I'm not sure I've posted that one yet. I'll need to check.) Megan asking if her Dad ever missed us was tender. I'm glad they think about their dad. Her actual question was really about whether I had ever thought of that before. I think she was just being curious and wanted to start a conversation.
We talked about Dad being gone...about him leaving...about all of us still being here...how we at least still have each other. Yes, I think he misses us. I told her about my realization a little while ago that  he does miss us. (That might be another one I haven't posted yet.)
There are times I wish things were different - but, they're not. Layne is gone and we are here. So, we're all just trying to make the best of it. I know he is...not sure how...but, somehow I just know he's busier than he's ever been and he thinks that's a good thing. He'll always be known as a 'doer'.

Growing Old Together

We were listening to this song when Megan asked, "Do you think Dad ever misses us?". She brought me out of my thoughts where the lyrics talk about growing old together. Finding out you have cancer at age forty is not growing old together. Layne dying two days after his forty fourth birthday...that's not growing old together. By that point, he was hoping to 'be done' before his birthday. I remember he waited for me to come home the afternoon he passed away. He was so ready to be done...but, not without saying good-bye and telling me he loved me one last time...a testament of his commitment and grit all at the same time. Whenever my mind wanders to what the future might have been...it feels a bit unfair. Life is different knowing you'll be growing old all on your own. I am aware that others have done it...and it will continue to be done...it's just not what the plan was supposed to be. There's just remembering when...

True To The Faith

I was asked to read this in Relief Society today. It was handed to me partway through the lesson. I agreed to the request without even reading through it. Father's Day is not the best day for a someone that watched her husband fade away before he passed away to read a story like this. I got emotional at parts. The article is titled, "True to the Faith of Our Fathers", by President Monson. It's the First Presidency message for the July 2016 Ensign.

No Idea

I had to listen to this one again tonight. Life is hard. I'm really feeling that tonight. There are so many times I have to admit that I have no idea what I'm doing. I occasionally wonder why Layne had to leave - or why I'm the one that's still here. I'm still trying to figure it all out. I'm trying to find my purpose and what I'm supposed to do next...along with trying to just do the day to day. I'm not even doing that very well. Being a single parent is hard. Trying to figure out the future for five people is hard. I truthfully have no idea what I'm doing. I know that someone does...I just haven't been clued into the agenda yet. It feels like there should be some sort of itinerary and there's not. So, I do things like listen to songs that remind me that I have a purpose after the kids have all gone to bed...except for one that is determined to stay up later than me tonight. (It was so much easier to have 'my' time when I decided the bed time. Teenagers.) Here's to hoping I get clued in soon.

A Day

I actually had a day today. I actually got up and accomplished things throughout the day. There was nothing earth shattering...no huge project tackled...no winning of the lottery...just a day. I felt like I could move through the day and that was okay. There wasn't a time when I felt like I needed to get away to read or take a nap. I was able to think about what I was doing. It was kind of nice.

Choices

When Layne and I first found out about his cancer we realized we had a choice to make.
I'm realizing that I have a choice to make now as well.
Choosing to move forward with faith.

7 Months

Today marks seven months. I'm not sure what to think about that. It feels like it was another lifetime that he was here. I'm also not sure what I've done with the time. Reality is setting in more. I'm attempting to do more with both returning to and establishing routines. I have a hard time being productive. He was always so good at that - full time student and employee, time consuming callings, his running and biking - and then at home...let's just say I'm realizing more and more how much he really did at home. I knew he was helpful and he made it a priority to spend time with the kids. But, I never realized how much he picked up the slack of all the things I didn't get done - along with all the responsibilities he took on with the house, yard, and vehicles. Occasionally I wonder, "What did I really do again?". So...besides missing him daily and wishing I had the healthy version of him back on a regular basis...I sure miss having 'everything' getting done around here in such a seamless manner. It's hard being the one left behind.

One Chance

Today was a beautiful spring day. I saw a man riding his bike as I was out and about. He was on the trail and from what he was wearing - I knew he was pretty serious about riding. It reminded me of Layne. I had a thought. 'There are no re-dos.' I reminisced about how Layne was concerned about being done. He didn't feel like he had accomplished all he was supposed to do. He doesn't get that chance back. None of us get our chance back. When it earthly experience is done - it truly is over. We get lots of do-overs...times when we get to represent and try to so better...make things right. But, we don't get to try the whole thing over again. It makes me think that it's important to do the best we can.

By Myself

The last while I've been forced to figure out a way to do things on my own. We've had people giving help. But, I still feel like I'm the one that needs to at least have every topic on my radar. This week...we had two days of a dead battery in the van. Grateful it's running now.

Missing Date Night

Tonight I made Mac & Cheese for the girls and I. They had a friend here too. The three of them ate outside. (The boys are gone hanging out with friends.) I was reminded of 'date night'. We did a lot of switching with other parents when it came to child care. The kids thought they were getting together with friends and the adults had a chance to go on a date. Win/Win. (Ok. So maybe I'm a tiny bit picky about who takes care of my kids. Oh. And cheap. It's less expensive to do trades. Better care for less money. That is a win/win.)

Anyway...I was reminded of date nights because we would typically feed the kids when they were here. It was usually something simple that all of the kids would tolerate. So - Mac&Cheese+Kids Eating/Playing Outside=Date Night (when we were on kid duty). 

It's also a Friday - so, that's a factor too. I miss date night. There was a while toward the end that we didn't do the child swapping thing because the kids were old enough to take care of themselves. 

I miss date nights. I miss being able to spend time with Layne. I miss being able to go and do things with him. I miss 'just the two of us'. I miss his laugh and his smile. I miss the 'just for me' way he would look at me. I even miss having other kids come over when it was someone else's turn to go out. I miss seeing him interact with all the kids. I miss Layne.

Hallelujah

I first saw this and was so grateful for a Savior. It also made me want to pull out a picture of Layne. I know I will see him again.

Thanksgiving in Mapleton...November 22, 2012

Encircling Arms

I went to the UCAP Conference on Saturday. It was great. I'll share some thoughts about that elsewhere. I wanted to share an experience I had while I was there. I was sitting down and getting ready for the next session. A guy came and sat down a couple of chairs away from me. Part way through the session, he rested his arm on the back of the chair between us. No biggie - except for the fact that I suddenly felt like it had been a long time since Layne had put his arm around me. I felt alone. It's hard to have reminders that there's no significant other waiting for you at home when you're out and about doing your own thing for the day. It's going to be a long time before I get to have his arm around me again.

Conversation Prompts

So, yesterday I heard the kids play this one a few times.

I like this song. It reminds me of Layne and being able to see him again. I was curious as to their interest in the song. Jonny said it was his new 'jam'. (He says that just about every time he finds a new song he likes.:}) I asked the kids what the interest was...telling them that it reminds me of their dad. They said it reminded them of him too. Well, Megan and Jonny did...I think the others were in agreement.
I asked the kids what they remembered about their dad. I feel like we don't talk about him a whole lot. He'll come up in conversations...but, it's usually not a conversation in and of itself. Here are some of the things mentioned. The girls both remember him laying downstairs watching shows. Megan says it's weird not to hear country music and TV shows coming from downstairs anymore. Jonny remembered some of the same regarding how things were towards the end. Jacob says he remembers, "Dad being a crazy busy college student.". That comment reminded the others about going to the lab with dad and getting to spend time with him...and have a chance to see all the cool equipment. Jonny also made a comment about remembering him towards the end because that's when they had the most time to spend with him because he wasn't going to work or anything.
At some point in the conversation, I asked about whether it was hard for them to remember their dad before the end of his life. That's when they said some things about when we lived in student housing - when we considered him to be healthy. I also got to the point of my having a hard time remembering him as healthy after he first died. I had to put effort into remembering the guy that was a runner and had muscles. That started them talking about dad not having very much hair...and reminiscing about our wedding pictures where he has quite a bit of hair and I have longer hair that was actually styled fancy. Layne kept his hair short for years. So, I'm sure that's why they remember that about him.

See You On The Other Side

Thought I'd share this one. I had something profound I was going to say about it - but, now I'm not sure what that was. I just know as I listen to this song I am reminded that Layne is not gone. He's just not here right now. Our family will have a chance to see him again. So thankful for the gospel...and for the atonement.

Figuring It Out

I have not been consistent in publishing posts. For the most part - I haven't been writing. I also have a few posts that I've started but need to finish and publish. Things have still been happening and I know I've lost a few thoughts/experiences because I haven't written them down yet.
I've been having a difficult time with pretty much everything for the past couple of months. That's part of my reasoning for not writing more. I had been thinking that I was going to get into more of a habit of being consistent - instead I did the opposite. I don't know exactly what has been going on. I have been doing the very minimum. I was doing more than I thought I would to be by myself and just be sad or exhausted - or both. I haven't been able to figure out where to go from here. Everything is different without Layne. I still have a hard time realizing he's gone. I get it intellectually. Someone dies and they're not coming back (okay so that happened once - but, I don't think it's slated to happen again when there's no reason for it). I know Layne will not be coming back. There are times I feel like other parts of me think he might be - maybe it's the wishing part - maybe it's the part that doesn't want him gone - maybe I think that if I miss him enough he'll appear again. I don't know. I just know I miss him and I've had a hard time getting past that to the productive part of life that I'm supposed to be jumping into wholeheartedly.
I felt like I was down after the funeral. I felt like I needed to keep going from the time he passed away to the day of the funeral. I don't know if it was the adrenaline or all the people that were helping. But, something kept me going until it was over. I crashed after that. I somehow made it through and thought I would just move forward. I started doing better with working with the kids and accomplishing some of my own goals. The holidays came and went and I seemed to have crashed again after Christmas was over. Maybe it was the same kind of thing. I held on and then had more things that I needed to work through. I don't know. I just know that January and February have been neither productive or cheerful. I have been doing enough to survive. But, the word thrive is far from how I would describe the last couple of months.

Still Running

There are times I wonder why it was him and not me. Everyone knows he's the one that was the most productive. It's what I struggle with the most. If it were him - he'd still be working, put all the kids in charter schools/public schools, and have a system for all the necessary improvements for the house and yard. He'd have high expectations for the kids and for himself. He'd still be running.

Five Months

Today marks five months. In a way it feels like he was just here - in so many other ways it feels like it was so long ago. I miss having him around. I truly wish he were here to help the way he used to with the kids and everything that goes along with running a household. It would be nice to have him here to hold me...to tell me things were going to be okay.

Four Months

This morning I thought about the fact that tomorrow will be four months since Layne's death. Sometimes it seems like it was another life time ago. Other times it doesn't seem real and I wonder if I'll ever wrap my head around the fact that he's gone. I feel like I've mostly just been going through the motions. Well, some days. Some days I feel like I don't even want to do that. It's odd how when he was healthy, we were used to having him gone during the day. Now it feels different. In a way it's as if he's just gone for the day - in a way I have to remember that he's never coming back. That's the hard part. He's not coming back. It's not as if we can pretend he's just on a business trip or working out of town for awhile. He won't be coming home at the end of the work day...or after his run...or back from a meeting at the church. He's gone. I don't like that. Sometimes I want him to come back - even if it's just for a hug and a quick conversation. But, I know that can't happen. Other people are kind and give me hugs and I appreciate them...but, it's just not the same. I know life will never be the same and I'm not sure what to do with that or how to react. I don't know what life is supposed to look like anymore. I don't even know how to figure that out. I just know that life will truly never be the same.

Benefits of a Savior

Something I jotted down on my Christ Daily Facebook page tonight:
So today I had some thoughts about loved ones dying and how my husband is longer here. I was thinking about how some people get married again after a spouse dies. They are lonely and want the companionship again. I get that. At this point I don't feel like it's right for me. I realized that the reasons I think and feel what I do about the topic is because of Christ. I know I will see my husband again. I know he didn't just suddenly cease to exist. I know that is true and will happen because I know our Savior's role in the plan of salvation. I know He lives. As a result, I know my husband continues to live as well. We will see each other again. I like that thought.

I thought I'd share it here as well. I'm so thankful to know I'll see Layne again. There are times the thought of getting married again have passed through my mind. The thought never stays for very long. I feel like I know he's still around and we're still married. I'm still at a point where it would feel like I was betraying him. I'm not saying that all widows would or even should feel that way - I'm just saying that's how I feel about the topic. There's something about knowing that Layne would know that feels a little bit creepy to me. I'm also at a point where I might feel lonely at times - but right now I don't want anyone to take Layne's place. I know that's not exactly how it works. I just know that's what it would feel like to me right now. I may or may not feel the same way five years from now. I don't know.

Eggs and Toast

We had scrambled eggs and toast this morning. As I was making the eggs, Rachel came in and commented about how she remembered dad would put his egg on his toast and eat it that way. While we were eating, Jonny reminisced about how Layne would put egg on a piece of toast, fold it together, and eat it as he was heading out the door for a run. It's interesting the things that are remembered once someone is gone. I'm glad the kids feel like they can share things as they come up.

Time Will Tell

I've been writing on some other blogs these days too. As I write, I'm realizing that there are several things that are all linked together. It seems there are several things that have to do with Layne being gone and my needing to make things work on my own. I'll still write in other places - but, at times I wonder if life will always be this way. If I'll still randomly start crying. If I'll ever feel healthy and capable. If I'll ever feel like the good times will stay a little longer. I guess time will tell.

Finding Peace

Today in Relief Society we had a lesson that included a story about Howard W. Hunter and his wife being in the hospital. The story included him using resources, making a decision, taking action, and peace finally coming after being in the waiting room for awhile.
It reminded me what it was like to wait for Layne while he was in surgery or having a procedure done. I remember the days of waiting for Layne. I'm not usually one to be real emotional about things. But, one does worry and get a bit anxious when waiting for a spouse to be done with a procedure. Of course, while I was thinking about that I remembered watching Layne get his chemo treatments. It's hard to watch someone that you know...someone that you're used to being capable, full of life, and seemingly healthy...just want to sleep. There was so much pain.
I think the connection came for me not only in experiencing the concerns that President Hunter related...but, also in finding the peace. It was memorable for several reasons. I will not forget that even though I might have been exhausted or Layne was in pain...the peace came. At the end of the day the peace was there. I knew that our Heavenly Parents knew what was going on, that they cared, and that somehow we were going to get through it. They would help us. Every. Time.

Priesthood Duties

I was thinking today about the boys and how they take care of their priesthood duties. Their dad would be pleased. I know he tried to do what he could to train them and help them understand the importance of what they are doing. I know he would be even more pleased to know that they are worthy and do things willingly. I know it's one of the things that he felt like he missed out on - or that he will miss out on as they progress in the challenges and responsibilities that they take on.
I know he would have loved to be here to ordain Jonny as a Teacher. I also know he would have liked to have been around when they are ordained as Elders. It seems like that is coming closer and closer.
I also know he would have loved to have been here to see the girls progress through their teen years as well. There's something about fathers and their daughters. I know he feels like he's missing out. I know the kids will feel like someone is missing. I also know that there will be times when he might be able to be present - but, it won't be the same.

Making a Home

I've been listening to some music today. The song 'Home' by Phillip Phillips is a favorite these days. Today I remembered to experience I had when I first heard the song. I thought of an experience I had in the temple earlier that day that told me Layne was preparing for our family to eventually join him. The word 'home' had been part of the message I took away from the experience. While I was thinking about that - the thought came to me 'you need to be making a home'. I guess I better raise the bar around here. I feel like I need to do better about making this a place where the kids and I can accomplish what we need to do, where others feel good about being here, and a place where the Spirit can dwell. So, while I feel like he's building a home - I'll be here making one.

Remembering

I was looking at another blog tonight and found this post. It's about some of the things Layne would do to help out when the kids were little.

Hinckley Quote

I read this tonight and thought of how there are times it sure would be nice to be able to continue to work on our relationship. There are things I wish I would have done differently. There are other things I would still love to say, things I'd like to have us do. The opportunity is gone. There might be times we think there will always be another time...at some point...there's not more time.

"I know it is hard for you young mothers to believe that almost before you can turn around the children will be gone and you will be alone with your husband. You had better be sure you are developing the kind of love and friendship that will be delightful and enduring. Let the children learn from your attitude that he is important. Encourage him. Be kind. It is a rough world, and he, like everyone else, is fighting to survive. Be cheerful. Don't be a whiner." --Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Grateful

I mentioned that today had been a good day. I wrote about a couple of things - but, then realized I hadn't written one of the biggest reasons - which is what I started to do in the first place. I have been so grateful today for so many people who help us out.
We went and finally got hair cuts today. I have a sweet and talented cousin who helped us out with that. She cut the kids hair right before the funeral. So...it's been 3.5 months. The girls have their hair long and all one length...so, that wasn't a big deal for them to go that long. The boys? That was another story. It was pretty bad. They look so much better. I can see their eyes now.
I was feeling grateful as we came home. Sometimes I feel so grateful that I don't think I say it loud enough or in a grand enough way. I hope others know that I think daily about everything that others do for us. We have so many people that have helped - and are helping in so many different ways.
We had an unexpected ring of the doorbell this afternoon. UPS strikes again. I thought it might have been something I'd ordered. I noticed the return address included the name of a sister in law that's in another state. It's not uncommon for her to randomly send something that she thinks might be helpful. I wondered what it was this time. I literally laughed out loud when I saw what was inside. There are plenty of things I just kind of put up with because - well, there are multiple/a variety of reasons. Apparently she and my brother figured out that I have been putting up with my current phone for too long and it was time to put it to rest. He and I had talked about it - more than once. I think he got tired of wondering when I was going to ask and just had his wife send it. I'm excited to get it set up.
A huge thank you to everyone that helps us out in whatever way works best for them.

Barn Jacket

I wore Layne's barn jacket - that he had when we met - to take the boys over to basketball tonight. Jonny commented about my wearing 'dad's jacket'. I laughed at that. I think I've gotten most of the use out of it. There were a couple of years I just kind of claimed it as my own. It fit and kept me warm and it reminded me of Layne. It still does. Maybe I'll start wearing it more often.
As we were talking about it I remembered when we were dating and I'd be cold. He would graciously offer it to me - saying I looked better in it than he did anyway. I don't think I agree with that. But, it was a warm memory nonetheless.

Music and Movies

Today was a pretty good day. I still seem to be tired. But, just pushed through anyway. Whatever. We had a chance to listen to music together and get a couple of other things done today. I love how music sets a fun tone in the house and gets the kids talking. Tonight at dinner we talked about Layne and some of the music he liked. The kids laughed as they told about the songs he would sing along to and lines he would quote from movies. Silly really. But, fun to remember. I guess I should write them down sometime.

Bleh...

I've been feeling a little bit grouchy today. I'm tired and just don't have any energy. Of coarse, I still get to make sure kids have dinner...and someone gets to do the laundry for tomorrow. Oh. And, one of the kids just told me the light was burned out in the basement. It just keeps going and I want to stop.
I have done a terrible job of getting things done the last little while. I think that might be part of the funk I'm in - thinking about all the things that need to be done and yet not feeling like doing them. Bleh.
I have to add that while I was doing laundry, I pulled out one of the kids bunched up shirts. It was one of the 'no one fights alone' shirts that Becca made for us when Layne and Jacob ran the 5K. It felt like a reminder. Somehow I was aware that Layne was trying to tell me that he would do the laundry if he were able. I always appreciated his willingness to help.

The Fault In Our Stars

I started reading 'The Fault in our Stars' by John Green today. I may or may not have cried a little before I turned the first page. I think the phrase, "...a side effect of dying" got to me somehow. It's used more than once on the first page. I moved past it. I just had other things I cried about after that. There were also times I chuckled a bit. And still other times I just went with the story. I'm about 100 pages in and will keep going.
It's interesting to read something that reminds me of the struggles of cancer and its treatment. It reminds me of working with and watching a loved one going through the gamut experiences and emotions that come with cancer. It also reminds me of the relationship itself. There are things that can be discussed and laughed about with each other that just don't reach what others understand. I'll be done because I might start missing Layne too much if I keep writing about the way cancer can tear apart and build up a relationship all at the same time.

I Got This

I was paying bills today. We have an account that Layne mostly used to pay off the loan for his truck. I guess I should say that 'I' have an account that Layne used. I looked at the account online today. I hadn't done that yet. It was past time to at least do a quick check. I went to sign in using the info he had used. I was taken to a screen that showed a 'security' name and photo. I laughed out loud because they were both just so him. Then...there were security questions. I panicked. At that point I took a deep breath and told myself, 'you got this'. I realized all I had to do was answer how he would. Easy peasy. I got them all right. Surprise. There were only three. I had to change the last one. It was the high school mascot one. We went to rival high schools. I just couldn't leave it alone.:}

Temple Telepathy

I had a chance to go to the temple today. There was one part - that I've heard countless times - when I knew that somehow there is a way that I can still communicate and work with Layne. It seems the veil is thin and there is a way for me to access that and receive his help, his counsel, and his support. We're able to somehow still work together as a team...a companionship. I'm intrigued. I guess I better get working on how it all works. I'm glad he's still there. He's someone that I want on my side. He's always been a fierce fighter for our family. There are times he's been a bit of a miracle worker. We'll see what happens now that he has a few more tools to work with these days. Well, at least I think that's how it works.

Finances

I was thinking today about Layne and finances. I was realizing that we are quite blessed. It's been tough. But, at the same time I feel grateful for the opportunity to continue to homeschool the kids. The situation would put us in so much debt right now. We could easily have piles of debt for both student loans and medical care. Instead we're able to move forward without those barriers. It feels freeing. (Is that a word?) I feel the freedom that comes from being out of debt. We still have a mortgage. But, that's pretty much it - which is good because it's still not like we have lots of money rolling in. We have enough. I will eventually be doing more to have an income. The kids know that they will also be doing more on that front as well.
I'm amazed that for how much Layne was able to work - which wasn't much - he was still able to provide for his family. I know that was important to him and I feel like he accomplished that. I know both of us thought that would look different. We thought the home we have now would just be a 'starter' home. We thought he was just starting to truly get off the ground with his career. It turns out that we were wrong. I think the fact that he did so many things to keep us out of debt has been so helpful. I know that the things he had in place when he died was also very helpful. (My dad has been kind enough to have some of his 'people' help out since Layne's passing. They are helping with financial advice, options, and investments.) Thanks Layne.

Missing Layne

I wrote a couple of thoughts and shared some music on another blog today. You can go check it out if you'd like. I'm doing something to focus on Christ everyday of 2016. We'll see how it goes. Today's music made me think of Layne and how it would be really great if he were still here. I was also feeling so very grateful for the knowledge that I'll see him again. It feels like it's going to be such a long time. But, somehow I'll try to make it without too many tears.