Four Months

This morning I thought about the fact that tomorrow will be four months since Layne's death. Sometimes it seems like it was another life time ago. Other times it doesn't seem real and I wonder if I'll ever wrap my head around the fact that he's gone. I feel like I've mostly just been going through the motions. Well, some days. Some days I feel like I don't even want to do that. It's odd how when he was healthy, we were used to having him gone during the day. Now it feels different. In a way it's as if he's just gone for the day - in a way I have to remember that he's never coming back. That's the hard part. He's not coming back. It's not as if we can pretend he's just on a business trip or working out of town for awhile. He won't be coming home at the end of the work day...or after his run...or back from a meeting at the church. He's gone. I don't like that. Sometimes I want him to come back - even if it's just for a hug and a quick conversation. But, I know that can't happen. Other people are kind and give me hugs and I appreciate them...but, it's just not the same. I know life will never be the same and I'm not sure what to do with that or how to react. I don't know what life is supposed to look like anymore. I don't even know how to figure that out. I just know that life will truly never be the same.

Benefits of a Savior

Something I jotted down on my Christ Daily Facebook page tonight:
So today I had some thoughts about loved ones dying and how my husband is longer here. I was thinking about how some people get married again after a spouse dies. They are lonely and want the companionship again. I get that. At this point I don't feel like it's right for me. I realized that the reasons I think and feel what I do about the topic is because of Christ. I know I will see my husband again. I know he didn't just suddenly cease to exist. I know that is true and will happen because I know our Savior's role in the plan of salvation. I know He lives. As a result, I know my husband continues to live as well. We will see each other again. I like that thought.

I thought I'd share it here as well. I'm so thankful to know I'll see Layne again. There are times the thought of getting married again have passed through my mind. The thought never stays for very long. I feel like I know he's still around and we're still married. I'm still at a point where it would feel like I was betraying him. I'm not saying that all widows would or even should feel that way - I'm just saying that's how I feel about the topic. There's something about knowing that Layne would know that feels a little bit creepy to me. I'm also at a point where I might feel lonely at times - but right now I don't want anyone to take Layne's place. I know that's not exactly how it works. I just know that's what it would feel like to me right now. I may or may not feel the same way five years from now. I don't know.

Eggs and Toast

We had scrambled eggs and toast this morning. As I was making the eggs, Rachel came in and commented about how she remembered dad would put his egg on his toast and eat it that way. While we were eating, Jonny reminisced about how Layne would put egg on a piece of toast, fold it together, and eat it as he was heading out the door for a run. It's interesting the things that are remembered once someone is gone. I'm glad the kids feel like they can share things as they come up.

Time Will Tell

I've been writing on some other blogs these days too. As I write, I'm realizing that there are several things that are all linked together. It seems there are several things that have to do with Layne being gone and my needing to make things work on my own. I'll still write in other places - but, at times I wonder if life will always be this way. If I'll still randomly start crying. If I'll ever feel healthy and capable. If I'll ever feel like the good times will stay a little longer. I guess time will tell.

Finding Peace

Today in Relief Society we had a lesson that included a story about Howard W. Hunter and his wife being in the hospital. The story included him using resources, making a decision, taking action, and peace finally coming after being in the waiting room for awhile.
It reminded me what it was like to wait for Layne while he was in surgery or having a procedure done. I remember the days of waiting for Layne. I'm not usually one to be real emotional about things. But, one does worry and get a bit anxious when waiting for a spouse to be done with a procedure. Of course, while I was thinking about that I remembered watching Layne get his chemo treatments. It's hard to watch someone that you know...someone that you're used to being capable, full of life, and seemingly healthy...just want to sleep. There was so much pain.
I think the connection came for me not only in experiencing the concerns that President Hunter related...but, also in finding the peace. It was memorable for several reasons. I will not forget that even though I might have been exhausted or Layne was in pain...the peace came. At the end of the day the peace was there. I knew that our Heavenly Parents knew what was going on, that they cared, and that somehow we were going to get through it. They would help us. Every. Time.

Priesthood Duties

I was thinking today about the boys and how they take care of their priesthood duties. Their dad would be pleased. I know he tried to do what he could to train them and help them understand the importance of what they are doing. I know he would be even more pleased to know that they are worthy and do things willingly. I know it's one of the things that he felt like he missed out on - or that he will miss out on as they progress in the challenges and responsibilities that they take on.
I know he would have loved to be here to ordain Jonny as a Teacher. I also know he would have liked to have been around when they are ordained as Elders. It seems like that is coming closer and closer.
I also know he would have loved to have been here to see the girls progress through their teen years as well. There's something about fathers and their daughters. I know he feels like he's missing out. I know the kids will feel like someone is missing. I also know that there will be times when he might be able to be present - but, it won't be the same.

Making a Home

I've been listening to some music today. The song 'Home' by Phillip Phillips is a favorite these days. Today I remembered to experience I had when I first heard the song. I thought of an experience I had in the temple earlier that day that told me Layne was preparing for our family to eventually join him. The word 'home' had been part of the message I took away from the experience. While I was thinking about that - the thought came to me 'you need to be making a home'. I guess I better raise the bar around here. I feel like I need to do better about making this a place where the kids and I can accomplish what we need to do, where others feel good about being here, and a place where the Spirit can dwell. So, while I feel like he's building a home - I'll be here making one.

Remembering

I was looking at another blog tonight and found this post. It's about some of the things Layne would do to help out when the kids were little.

Hinckley Quote

I read this tonight and thought of how there are times it sure would be nice to be able to continue to work on our relationship. There are things I wish I would have done differently. There are other things I would still love to say, things I'd like to have us do. The opportunity is gone. There might be times we think there will always be another time...at some point...there's not more time.

"I know it is hard for you young mothers to believe that almost before you can turn around the children will be gone and you will be alone with your husband. You had better be sure you are developing the kind of love and friendship that will be delightful and enduring. Let the children learn from your attitude that he is important. Encourage him. Be kind. It is a rough world, and he, like everyone else, is fighting to survive. Be cheerful. Don't be a whiner." --Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Grateful

I mentioned that today had been a good day. I wrote about a couple of things - but, then realized I hadn't written one of the biggest reasons - which is what I started to do in the first place. I have been so grateful today for so many people who help us out.
We went and finally got hair cuts today. I have a sweet and talented cousin who helped us out with that. She cut the kids hair right before the funeral. So...it's been 3.5 months. The girls have their hair long and all one length...so, that wasn't a big deal for them to go that long. The boys? That was another story. It was pretty bad. They look so much better. I can see their eyes now.
I was feeling grateful as we came home. Sometimes I feel so grateful that I don't think I say it loud enough or in a grand enough way. I hope others know that I think daily about everything that others do for us. We have so many people that have helped - and are helping in so many different ways.
We had an unexpected ring of the doorbell this afternoon. UPS strikes again. I thought it might have been something I'd ordered. I noticed the return address included the name of a sister in law that's in another state. It's not uncommon for her to randomly send something that she thinks might be helpful. I wondered what it was this time. I literally laughed out loud when I saw what was inside. There are plenty of things I just kind of put up with because - well, there are multiple/a variety of reasons. Apparently she and my brother figured out that I have been putting up with my current phone for too long and it was time to put it to rest. He and I had talked about it - more than once. I think he got tired of wondering when I was going to ask and just had his wife send it. I'm excited to get it set up.
A huge thank you to everyone that helps us out in whatever way works best for them.

Barn Jacket

I wore Layne's barn jacket - that he had when we met - to take the boys over to basketball tonight. Jonny commented about my wearing 'dad's jacket'. I laughed at that. I think I've gotten most of the use out of it. There were a couple of years I just kind of claimed it as my own. It fit and kept me warm and it reminded me of Layne. It still does. Maybe I'll start wearing it more often.
As we were talking about it I remembered when we were dating and I'd be cold. He would graciously offer it to me - saying I looked better in it than he did anyway. I don't think I agree with that. But, it was a warm memory nonetheless.

Music and Movies

Today was a pretty good day. I still seem to be tired. But, just pushed through anyway. Whatever. We had a chance to listen to music together and get a couple of other things done today. I love how music sets a fun tone in the house and gets the kids talking. Tonight at dinner we talked about Layne and some of the music he liked. The kids laughed as they told about the songs he would sing along to and lines he would quote from movies. Silly really. But, fun to remember. I guess I should write them down sometime.

Bleh...

I've been feeling a little bit grouchy today. I'm tired and just don't have any energy. Of coarse, I still get to make sure kids have dinner...and someone gets to do the laundry for tomorrow. Oh. And, one of the kids just told me the light was burned out in the basement. It just keeps going and I want to stop.
I have done a terrible job of getting things done the last little while. I think that might be part of the funk I'm in - thinking about all the things that need to be done and yet not feeling like doing them. Bleh.
I have to add that while I was doing laundry, I pulled out one of the kids bunched up shirts. It was one of the 'no one fights alone' shirts that Becca made for us when Layne and Jacob ran the 5K. It felt like a reminder. Somehow I was aware that Layne was trying to tell me that he would do the laundry if he were able. I always appreciated his willingness to help.

The Fault In Our Stars

I started reading 'The Fault in our Stars' by John Green today. I may or may not have cried a little before I turned the first page. I think the phrase, "...a side effect of dying" got to me somehow. It's used more than once on the first page. I moved past it. I just had other things I cried about after that. There were also times I chuckled a bit. And still other times I just went with the story. I'm about 100 pages in and will keep going.
It's interesting to read something that reminds me of the struggles of cancer and its treatment. It reminds me of working with and watching a loved one going through the gamut experiences and emotions that come with cancer. It also reminds me of the relationship itself. There are things that can be discussed and laughed about with each other that just don't reach what others understand. I'll be done because I might start missing Layne too much if I keep writing about the way cancer can tear apart and build up a relationship all at the same time.

I Got This

I was paying bills today. We have an account that Layne mostly used to pay off the loan for his truck. I guess I should say that 'I' have an account that Layne used. I looked at the account online today. I hadn't done that yet. It was past time to at least do a quick check. I went to sign in using the info he had used. I was taken to a screen that showed a 'security' name and photo. I laughed out loud because they were both just so him. Then...there were security questions. I panicked. At that point I took a deep breath and told myself, 'you got this'. I realized all I had to do was answer how he would. Easy peasy. I got them all right. Surprise. There were only three. I had to change the last one. It was the high school mascot one. We went to rival high schools. I just couldn't leave it alone.:}

Temple Telepathy

I had a chance to go to the temple today. There was one part - that I've heard countless times - when I knew that somehow there is a way that I can still communicate and work with Layne. It seems the veil is thin and there is a way for me to access that and receive his help, his counsel, and his support. We're able to somehow still work together as a team...a companionship. I'm intrigued. I guess I better get working on how it all works. I'm glad he's still there. He's someone that I want on my side. He's always been a fierce fighter for our family. There are times he's been a bit of a miracle worker. We'll see what happens now that he has a few more tools to work with these days. Well, at least I think that's how it works.

Finances

I was thinking today about Layne and finances. I was realizing that we are quite blessed. It's been tough. But, at the same time I feel grateful for the opportunity to continue to homeschool the kids. The situation would put us in so much debt right now. We could easily have piles of debt for both student loans and medical care. Instead we're able to move forward without those barriers. It feels freeing. (Is that a word?) I feel the freedom that comes from being out of debt. We still have a mortgage. But, that's pretty much it - which is good because it's still not like we have lots of money rolling in. We have enough. I will eventually be doing more to have an income. The kids know that they will also be doing more on that front as well.
I'm amazed that for how much Layne was able to work - which wasn't much - he was still able to provide for his family. I know that was important to him and I feel like he accomplished that. I know both of us thought that would look different. We thought the home we have now would just be a 'starter' home. We thought he was just starting to truly get off the ground with his career. It turns out that we were wrong. I think the fact that he did so many things to keep us out of debt has been so helpful. I know that the things he had in place when he died was also very helpful. (My dad has been kind enough to have some of his 'people' help out since Layne's passing. They are helping with financial advice, options, and investments.) Thanks Layne.

Missing Layne

I wrote a couple of thoughts and shared some music on another blog today. You can go check it out if you'd like. I'm doing something to focus on Christ everyday of 2016. We'll see how it goes. Today's music made me think of Layne and how it would be really great if he were still here. I was also feeling so very grateful for the knowledge that I'll see him again. It feels like it's going to be such a long time. But, somehow I'll try to make it without too many tears.