In a previous post, I didn't mean to give the impression that I don't get emotional - or won't let myself get emotional. My point in sharing the story was to show how random emotions can (and will) be these days. I chose to focus on the event I mentioned and the people there because I felt that's what the situation needed at the time. It was a happy time - not a time to give homage to someone that just had a happy memory pop into her head about her spouse that will be passing away soon. I'm pretty sure I shed some tears on the drive home.
I will make sure I share examples of experiences when I did cry and other times when I cried even harder. There are days when I make sure I keep a tissue in my pocket because I seem to need one throughout the day. I don't feel like it's something to be embarrassed about...nor do I think denial is a good thing. I'm just taking things one day at a time.
His Blog
Monday, August 31, 2015
I have found that Instagram is the easiest way for me to share pictures. I have done a terrible job of posting pictures here. The lack of pictures is evidence enough - don't need to convince anyone. I take so many pictures that it makes it difficult to sort though them all in order to post the right one. So...I'm going to start doing more pictures on Instagram. I will not be catering to what would go with this blog. You might be stuck with something about the kids or somewhere we went or maybe even something I think looks cool. No guarantees. If you are not already following me, you can send a request to follow here: @tseesbeauty
I love pictures and not having pictures on my blogs is a pet peeve for me. I need to take action. It's on the 'to do' list somewhere - just not close enough to the top.
I love pictures and not having pictures on my blogs is a pet peeve for me. I need to take action. It's on the 'to do' list somewhere - just not close enough to the top.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Getting Emotional
I attended a bridal shower for my niece at the beginning of the month. I almost didn't go - I am naturally very glad I decided to show up. I love her lots! I was able to associate with a great group of women...all relatives to this fabulous soon to be newlywed.
At one point, she was sharing about how she and her fiancé had gone to see the some of the lights around Christmas time. It reminded me of Layne and I when we were first dating and then the first holiday season we were married. We would drive around and look at the lights. I started to feel tears come to my eyes and felt a lump in my throat. I quickly made myself be in control and forced myself not to say anything. I didn't want to ruin the fun moment for her or the other guests.
It seems that lately emotions are closer to the surface than I'm used to them being. I have always been known as 'even tempered'. I've never been overly dramatic about anything...except maybe when I'm doing a 'happy dance' about someone else's good news. I have had a lifetime of practice when it comes to keeping my emotions under control - possibly even hidden. These days - sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't work out so well. We'll see what the future holds.
At one point, she was sharing about how she and her fiancé had gone to see the some of the lights around Christmas time. It reminded me of Layne and I when we were first dating and then the first holiday season we were married. We would drive around and look at the lights. I started to feel tears come to my eyes and felt a lump in my throat. I quickly made myself be in control and forced myself not to say anything. I didn't want to ruin the fun moment for her or the other guests.
It seems that lately emotions are closer to the surface than I'm used to them being. I have always been known as 'even tempered'. I've never been overly dramatic about anything...except maybe when I'm doing a 'happy dance' about someone else's good news. I have had a lifetime of practice when it comes to keeping my emotions under control - possibly even hidden. These days - sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't work out so well. We'll see what the future holds.
Saying Good-Bye
I feel like I've been saying good-bye to Layne a little bit at a time. He's not the same guy he used to be. Our relationship has change. I need to adjust. I truly believe that much of life is about finding a new normal. I have a blog about that and that could easily be its own post on this blog.
This is who I've said good-bye to so far:
the worker that provided for our family.
the man I have been intimate with for the past 18 years.
the runner I would anticipate crossing the finish line of a race.
the servant that did whatever he could to help others.
the handyman that took care of the yard and repairs of the house.
the boyfriend I would look forward to going on dates with each week.
the fellow restaurant patron that could taste a favorite dish and replicate it at home.
the tough guy that made me nervous when hearing about mountain biking adventures.
the father that took the time to be with and help his kids.
the brilliant mind that helped to engineer medical devices.
the consumer that was able to find the best deal.
the creative financial problem solver that has kept us out of debt.
the patient that has always been able to take care of his own physical needs.
the friend that loved playing games (board/card) with family, friends, and co-workers.
He still is:
an example to others.
one who shares his testimony.
a fighter.
He always will be:
my eternal companion.
This is who I've said good-bye to so far:
the worker that provided for our family.
the man I have been intimate with for the past 18 years.
the runner I would anticipate crossing the finish line of a race.
the servant that did whatever he could to help others.
the handyman that took care of the yard and repairs of the house.
the boyfriend I would look forward to going on dates with each week.
the fellow restaurant patron that could taste a favorite dish and replicate it at home.
the tough guy that made me nervous when hearing about mountain biking adventures.
the father that took the time to be with and help his kids.
the brilliant mind that helped to engineer medical devices.
the consumer that was able to find the best deal.
the creative financial problem solver that has kept us out of debt.
the patient that has always been able to take care of his own physical needs.
the friend that loved playing games (board/card) with family, friends, and co-workers.
He still is:
an example to others.
one who shares his testimony.
a fighter.
He always will be:
my eternal companion.
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Today's Math
Our nine year old just asked me how old she was she we found out her Dad had cancer. I told her it was three years ago and said that she could probably figure it out from there. Six was the answer that surfaced. She then asked about how much of her life that was...a half? We did some things with fractions and came up with one-third. She has known about his illness and lived with a Dad that has had cancer for 1/3 of her life. One-Third of a lifetime. That seems like a big deal.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Rest...
"No rest for the wicked and the righteous don't need any." I heard that years ago. I'm not sure where it originated. It comes to my brain these days when I'm feeling tired and sore and Layne needs one more thing - or, someone else needs my help, or just one more thing needs to be done. I'm not sure which category I fall into most days - I just know there are times I feel a bit worn out.
It reminds me of taking care of an infant. There's no beginning or end of the day because the care is constant. There's no official bed time and no alarm is needed in the morning...and life is running at the same pace throughout the day...every day.
It reminds me of taking care of an infant. There's no beginning or end of the day because the care is constant. There's no official bed time and no alarm is needed in the morning...and life is running at the same pace throughout the day...every day.
Friday, August 21, 2015
So Romantic
From August 2nd...
Layne has always liked to watch a show before heading to bed. It's his way of winding down from the day. Once upon a time, we would snuggle on the couch together while we were watching. Now? Layne is either in his chair or propped up on an air mattress and I am on the futon putting ice on my back. Doesn't get more romantic than that!
Layne has always liked to watch a show before heading to bed. It's his way of winding down from the day. Once upon a time, we would snuggle on the couch together while we were watching. Now? Layne is either in his chair or propped up on an air mattress and I am on the futon putting ice on my back. Doesn't get more romantic than that!
Change Of Plans
We went to Huntsman today for Layne to have a stent put in. They did the endoscopy and realized that there was no blockage. We were even given pictures. We obviously left with no stent being placed. In a way, it was a tough blow. Usually it's a good thing to hear that 'nothing' is wrong. It's hard to hear there's no blockage when up until that point every indication logically lead to that conclusion. It's mostly hard to hear when you're thinking that it's going to be a solution to open things up so the body will function better with less pain.
Layne has thought for awhile that the lack of space to the small bowel from the stomach will be what will kill him. He's just believed that because things weren't getting through - and, he didn't want a feeding tube (sounds too invasive at this point) that he would die from dehydration and/or starvation. He's really not getting the calories he needs.
Layne is someone that needs answers. Things have to make sense. He's going a bit stir crazy trying to figure out how he's going to die. He's even asked his oncologist and both doctors that we talked with yesterday about a stent being placed today. The not knowing is a very unsettling to him. Maybe it's anxiety that's going to have the final say.
I posted this and then realized it might be confusing. The fact that there is no obstruction automatically means that something else is going on. The thought now is how to work on motility of the stomach. It seems that the next natural conclusion is something going on with the function of the stomach itself. Nobody really knows. Whatever the issue is, he's not getting the nutrients or the calories he needs. That's obvious from the drastic weight loss and lack of energy. His brain is not quite what it used to be either. So, obviously the issues are still the same - just not because of the suspected cause. It was the idea of the blockage that led him to think that's what would eventually fail him. The shift in thought is to go from the blockage to the stomach - not to get away from the idea of his dying because of the nutrients and hydration needed. That's still a thing...just a different cause than what originally thought. I'm hoping that clarifies a bit. Maybe not. I might just review this tomorrow and figure out a much more concise way of sharing the concept.
Layne's a bit frustrated about the whole thing. At first he was saying it was a waste of time. He felt bad about wasting the time of Dr. Adler and the others that helped out. I tried my best to convince him that the procedure was done because those that just worked on him thought it was a good option. Everyone that looked at the scan and listened to the symptoms Layne shared believed that there must have been a blockage. I had to convince him that they wouldn't have done it if they thought there was no reason for it. We were told after the procedure that with about 95% of patients there is a blockage. At that point I told Layne that he was 'exceptional'. He didn't think it was funny. Hmm...
Layne has thought for awhile that the lack of space to the small bowel from the stomach will be what will kill him. He's just believed that because things weren't getting through - and, he didn't want a feeding tube (sounds too invasive at this point) that he would die from dehydration and/or starvation. He's really not getting the calories he needs.
Layne is someone that needs answers. Things have to make sense. He's going a bit stir crazy trying to figure out how he's going to die. He's even asked his oncologist and both doctors that we talked with yesterday about a stent being placed today. The not knowing is a very unsettling to him. Maybe it's anxiety that's going to have the final say.
I posted this and then realized it might be confusing. The fact that there is no obstruction automatically means that something else is going on. The thought now is how to work on motility of the stomach. It seems that the next natural conclusion is something going on with the function of the stomach itself. Nobody really knows. Whatever the issue is, he's not getting the nutrients or the calories he needs. That's obvious from the drastic weight loss and lack of energy. His brain is not quite what it used to be either. So, obviously the issues are still the same - just not because of the suspected cause. It was the idea of the blockage that led him to think that's what would eventually fail him. The shift in thought is to go from the blockage to the stomach - not to get away from the idea of his dying because of the nutrients and hydration needed. That's still a thing...just a different cause than what originally thought. I'm hoping that clarifies a bit. Maybe not. I might just review this tomorrow and figure out a much more concise way of sharing the concept.
Layne's a bit frustrated about the whole thing. At first he was saying it was a waste of time. He felt bad about wasting the time of Dr. Adler and the others that helped out. I tried my best to convince him that the procedure was done because those that just worked on him thought it was a good option. Everyone that looked at the scan and listened to the symptoms Layne shared believed that there must have been a blockage. I had to convince him that they wouldn't have done it if they thought there was no reason for it. We were told after the procedure that with about 95% of patients there is a blockage. At that point I told Layne that he was 'exceptional'. He didn't think it was funny. Hmm...
Sharing Our Story
I keep feeling prompted/driven to share our story. I'm not sure why. I'm sure that years from now it will be apparent - maybe. But, for now I feel like there are so many things to write and share. There are plenty of times I can't write things down fast enough - and, other times when I don't have time or the means to write anything down and I just have to try and remember. I checked the numbers. I have more posts that are published now than drafts. Those are just the posts I've started - that does not include all of the post-it notes and 3x5 cards that are sitting around waiting for me to do something with them. Oh...and all the notes I make on my phone. It's all about progress, right?
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
LDS Cancer Caregivers
I just started a page on Facebook called LDS Cancer Caregivers. I'm hoping to turn it into a group format where people can share and support can be found. I think it helps to know that someone else has a general idea of what you're experiencing. So, go check it out if you'd like - and, feel free to share with those you think might be interested in joining. I would have just started out with a group. But...you need people for that.:}
Bumps In The Road
While we were driving around yesterday Layne was really feeling all of the bumps. It's painful for him to be jostled around - even over things that typically would go unnoticed. I thought about that and how life is full of bumps in the road. We have scenarios that are uncomfortable and we just have to endure until life smoothes out again. Right now seems like a very bumpy time in our road of life. I'm hoping it smoothes itself out as it needs to in the future.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Check, Check, and Check
Funeral plans in place (with mortuary)
Hospice set up
Cemetery plots chosen and purchased
Time with family
Check possibility of placing stent
Do Procedure?
Enjoy visitors
Finish at work
Game time with former co-workers
401K reassigned
Truck loan done
Say a few good-byes
Recorded some memories
Make more memories
Appreciate service given
A little list of what we've been doing around here. More to come. The list keeps growing. Although, it's good to have a few things done - we know some of the things on the list will roll over to the next one.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Ultimate Marathon
8/3/15
Layne is a runner. This is his ultimate marathon. He's not giving up until he gets to the finish line.
This was written at the beginning of this month when I was thinking about everything that Layne has gone through with this cancer journey. I feel like he has been persistent in staying the course. He has not given up. He has had faith throughout that he would finish strong. I am proud of his efforts and benefit from his example. I would have cried 'uncle' a couple of years ago. But, not Layne - he is one to fight the good fight no matter the personal cost.
Layne is a runner. This is his ultimate marathon. He's not giving up until he gets to the finish line.
This was written at the beginning of this month when I was thinking about everything that Layne has gone through with this cancer journey. I feel like he has been persistent in staying the course. He has not given up. He has had faith throughout that he would finish strong. I am proud of his efforts and benefit from his example. I would have cried 'uncle' a couple of years ago. But, not Layne - he is one to fight the good fight no matter the personal cost.
Friday, August 14, 2015
Today's Phone Calls
Dr. Garrido called saying that they would be able to put a stent in to support the passage from the stomach to the intestines. It depends on whether he would want to do it or not. Layne doesn't want to do the feeding tube that would be attached to bypass the stomach. If he were to do the procedure, it would mean he could eat - instead of doing just liquids. It also might improve quality of life - but, would probably not extend his life. We get to make so many fun decisions around here.
He also had a call from the company that will be handling his hospice care. I'm not sure what was set up for that. We'll see what the future holds.
He also had a call from the company that will be handling his hospice care. I'm not sure what was set up for that. We'll see what the future holds.
Another 'This Week'
There has been so much happening lately that I'll just do a brief overview and get to the details at a later date. It feels like I did that last time as well. There's just not as much time to write as I'd like. Last time I covered last week - this time - I'll do this week. Shocker. So...August 9-15
We've had Layne's folks here, so they started out the week with us. Sunday we had a great family discussion about some of Layne's life. The main topics were all of the jobs he's had through the years and his involvement with music. (We even got out his trumpet.)
Monday wasn't very eventful. I attempted to get a couple of things done. In an effort to take care of myself, I made past due appointments with the dentist and chiropractor. Layne and I did a couple of brief errands and we had our Family Home Evening with Layne's folks here.
Tuesday we had Layne's appointment with his oncologist. We walked out with Layne being put on hospice care. It also meant saying good-bye to the fabulous team that's worked with him for the past several years. Obviously, more about that later. We then headed to take care of some details with the loan on Layne's truck before finishing with another errand. I went to the dentist to pick up and have the fit checked on my new mouth guard. (I could share the story about the original one at another time as well.) I then went to REI to look for some needed shoes - no luck. But, I did find a couple of deals at Savers before heading home. While I was gone he had a couple of friends he had worked with come and talk with him.
Wednesday brought Keri and Jenny (Layne's sisters) here. We were glad to be able to have them here to join their parents. I spent my afternoon at the chiropractor, the grocery store, and filling up the gas tank on the van. I came home just in time to quickly put groceries away and get ready for dinner at Costa Vida. We came home and Layne took the boys to Young Men.
Thursday morning we headed over to the Jordan River Temple for a session with Layne and I, Layne's folks, and his sisters. Great experience. We came back and had Frank, Diane, and Pam (Hunsakers) come for a visit. I didn't talk long - I took Jacob over to meet up with the group he was going backpacking with this week-end and then took the other kids to the zoo (free day through my health insurance).
Today the Williams crew left at 4:30 AM. I've attempted again to get some things done. The girls went to 'free lunch' for one of the last times this summer, went to splash pads with some cousins, and then were home just for a minute before heading to see even more cousins for a 'late over' this evening. Jonny was going to go with a group up to a cabin for an overnight trip - but, decided not to go (when he realized he didn't know anyone there). He went to one of the latest 'Marvel' movies with his Dad instead. (I'm hoping that all works out - I was a little concerned about him driving and I don't know how comfortable a theatre seat is going to be for him for that long.) Jacob is still backpacking and I am home all by myself. So very quiet.
Tomorrow there will be an errand or two - but, nothing too pressing.
It's been great to see relatives this week. It's also been hard to share more good-byes.
This coming week will bring more time with relatives, meeting with someone from the funeral home, and traveling to the cemetery to choose our spots. We're also trying to get some financial details in place. And, Layne has plans to meet up with a couple of friends from work - a few to play some games - and another couple of them for lunch (on a liquid diet?).
As I'm reviewing this (and as I wrote it) I realized that it was more about just what we've been doing instead of focusing on what is going on with Layne. I'm hoping that still works. I know the blog is more focused on what's going on with the cancer. But, this time I just ended up with more random details - the day to day routine.
We've had Layne's folks here, so they started out the week with us. Sunday we had a great family discussion about some of Layne's life. The main topics were all of the jobs he's had through the years and his involvement with music. (We even got out his trumpet.)
Monday wasn't very eventful. I attempted to get a couple of things done. In an effort to take care of myself, I made past due appointments with the dentist and chiropractor. Layne and I did a couple of brief errands and we had our Family Home Evening with Layne's folks here.
Tuesday we had Layne's appointment with his oncologist. We walked out with Layne being put on hospice care. It also meant saying good-bye to the fabulous team that's worked with him for the past several years. Obviously, more about that later. We then headed to take care of some details with the loan on Layne's truck before finishing with another errand. I went to the dentist to pick up and have the fit checked on my new mouth guard. (I could share the story about the original one at another time as well.) I then went to REI to look for some needed shoes - no luck. But, I did find a couple of deals at Savers before heading home. While I was gone he had a couple of friends he had worked with come and talk with him.
Wednesday brought Keri and Jenny (Layne's sisters) here. We were glad to be able to have them here to join their parents. I spent my afternoon at the chiropractor, the grocery store, and filling up the gas tank on the van. I came home just in time to quickly put groceries away and get ready for dinner at Costa Vida. We came home and Layne took the boys to Young Men.
Thursday morning we headed over to the Jordan River Temple for a session with Layne and I, Layne's folks, and his sisters. Great experience. We came back and had Frank, Diane, and Pam (Hunsakers) come for a visit. I didn't talk long - I took Jacob over to meet up with the group he was going backpacking with this week-end and then took the other kids to the zoo (free day through my health insurance).
Today the Williams crew left at 4:30 AM. I've attempted again to get some things done. The girls went to 'free lunch' for one of the last times this summer, went to splash pads with some cousins, and then were home just for a minute before heading to see even more cousins for a 'late over' this evening. Jonny was going to go with a group up to a cabin for an overnight trip - but, decided not to go (when he realized he didn't know anyone there). He went to one of the latest 'Marvel' movies with his Dad instead. (I'm hoping that all works out - I was a little concerned about him driving and I don't know how comfortable a theatre seat is going to be for him for that long.) Jacob is still backpacking and I am home all by myself. So very quiet.
Tomorrow there will be an errand or two - but, nothing too pressing.
It's been great to see relatives this week. It's also been hard to share more good-byes.
This coming week will bring more time with relatives, meeting with someone from the funeral home, and traveling to the cemetery to choose our spots. We're also trying to get some financial details in place. And, Layne has plans to meet up with a couple of friends from work - a few to play some games - and another couple of them for lunch (on a liquid diet?).
As I'm reviewing this (and as I wrote it) I realized that it was more about just what we've been doing instead of focusing on what is going on with Layne. I'm hoping that still works. I know the blog is more focused on what's going on with the cancer. But, this time I just ended up with more random details - the day to day routine.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
This Week
Sunday I shared my testimony in church and had a few people kindly comment and offer help...with Layne being in a bit of pain. Monday I took Layne to the Acute Care Clinic at Huntsman. There was also a family that unexpectedly brought dinner to our home while we were gone. On Tuesday, we had a family discussion about what happened at the hospital the day before and what it meant. I also went to a bridal shower for my niece. Wednesday was another appointment at the hospital and Layne doing paperwork, cleaning out his desk, and saying good-bye to the crew he's worked with for the past 4.5 years. (He also made it to Young Men/youth group with the boys.) Thursday we cleaned out a couple of things and Layne's folks arrived to visit for a few days. Friday will be more appointments for the clinical trial he's doing - one of them being a scan. (He'll meet with the oncologist the beginning of next week.)
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Pioneers
This morning at breakfast our nine year old randomly commented that it would be hard to be a pioneer. When I asked her why she responded with; "They had to keep going when someone died.". I agreed.
I'm not sure if she was thinking of her Dad or not when she came up with that - but, it sure brought the thought to my mind. We're going to do our best to move forward without our husband and father here with us.
I'm not sure if she was thinking of her Dad or not when she came up with that - but, it sure brought the thought to my mind. We're going to do our best to move forward without our husband and father here with us.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Another ACC Visit
I took Layne to the hospital yesterday (8/3). We were at the Acute Care Clinic at Huntsman. He was in a lot of pain. They did a scan and found that his stomach is distended. The space where the stomach empties has been narrowed by a tumor that is wrapped around it. So, there are two factors involved. The stomach being where it is also makes it hard to breathe. The doctor compared it to being pregnant and not having much room to breathe. He was also having some minor issues with getting dizzy and his heart feeling out of sorts. There was an explanation for that as well. He's now attempting a mostly liquid diet so it'll be easier for the stomach to do it's job and for the contents to pass easier into the intestines. It will just be small amounts throughout the day. I'm hoping something works for him. He's lost 10-12 pounds over the last couple of weeks.
They gave him something for the pain and some fluids. He now has a little different pain management system set up for everyday use.:} We'll see how it goes. I'm not sure I've ever seen him in so much pain.
They gave him something for the pain and some fluids. He now has a little different pain management system set up for everyday use.:} We'll see how it goes. I'm not sure I've ever seen him in so much pain.
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Coming Soon
"It's coming soon." This is what I heard from Layne this morning as he was getting dressed. I didn't even need to ask what he was talking about. The thoughts in my head lately and the expression on his face somehow connected and I knew exactly what he meant. My eyes teared up a bit (then, and now as I'm writing) as he made comments about feeling weaker and needing to find a burial plot. I don't want to think about life without him and yet we both know that he doesn't have very much longer.
Something happened awhile ago that made me realize the end was near. Since then I've known that we are at the beginning of the end.
It's a little silly that I have been asking questions of Layne for years about planning his funeral and figuring out a burial plot. Oddly enough, he hasn't wanted to discuss the topic or come close to making a decision. He's still not thrilled about it - but, it can't be put off any longer. As with so many other things, now is the time.
Something happened awhile ago that made me realize the end was near. Since then I've known that we are at the beginning of the end.
It's a little silly that I have been asking questions of Layne for years about planning his funeral and figuring out a burial plot. Oddly enough, he hasn't wanted to discuss the topic or come close to making a decision. He's still not thrilled about it - but, it can't be put off any longer. As with so many other things, now is the time.
Helping Hands
A neighbor/friends came to our house this morning to ask for help with the tire on their vehicle. They had driven about a block. I don't think they thought about Layne not being able to help...or, the fact that the rest of us don't have much knowledge about fixing tires. So, Layne went to instruct and the boys helped with the manpower. I think it's time to learn more about vehicles and how they work.
I'm grateful they asked. There's not much requested of us these days. So, it's good to know someone thought we would be willing to help.
I'm grateful they asked. There's not much requested of us these days. So, it's good to know someone thought we would be willing to help.
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