Kids Adjusting

As I've been thinking about things I'm grateful for this past week - I have been grateful that we homeschool. One of the things I love is that we could be together after Layne's death and funeral. We were able to process in a way that felt so much more natural and connected. I'm not sure how I would have rushed them off to school with the knowledge that they would be expected to concentrate on other things. I also know that they would have been expected to accomplish a few things in between attending school and going to bed at night. I don't think it would have been healthy to place the burden on them to just ignore their father's death and all of the thoughts and feelings that go along with it.
They seem to be managing relatively well. I don't think that would have happened in a classroom.

Thinking About It

One of the best things about being back online is that I get to post again. I still feel like I have so many things to write. I keep mulling around the idea of somehow connecting blogs...maybe having a better way of sharing them...making them more accessible. I know. I think I've said something like that before. There are some topics that take me awhile to go from thinking about them to taking action. This is one of them.

Tech Support

Our internet has been down for days. I won't tell you how many. I had thought to have a friend come look at it...do some troubleshooting. Today, I knew I had to be the one to figure something out. Jacob has spent some time trying to find a way to make things work. I called tech support. Yep. Me and all of my technical knowledge called tech support - not really even knowing what questions to ask. I obviously could tell them what the issue was...just not very familiar with all the jargon that comes after the initial statement. Later I felt a little better when I realized that it's the guys job to help people that don't know what they're doing. I'm not sure why...but, for some reason I told him not too long into the conversation that my husband was usually the one to deal with the technology side of things. His response was, 'That's okay.'. He then moved right onto the next step. I felt like I needed to give some kind of excuse as to why I didn't know what I was doing. Maybe I was feeling insufficient. He gave the impression that I was capable and was more than willing to help. I would give him some kind of shout out - but, I don't remember his name. I think there were times I was rambling as I talked through my answers to his questions. Oh well. It's done and we're up and running. I guess it's on to the next thing. Finances perhaps?

Christmas Gifts

This is a tricky time of year. I usually feel a bit panicked about getting everything done. It's one of the times that Layne usually steps in because I'm just not managing on my own. I think I got used to him helping with the gifts for the kids. He would figure out what would be fun for them to receive and then also figure out the best way to go about obtaining it. He just did it. (It's one of his qualities I wish I had...wish it would have 'worn off' onto me.) This year - I'm working on it. I think I have an idea or two for all of the kids...except for the oldest. He's being rather cryptic. I'm not sure what he wants or what to get him. I have picked up one item and will be visiting Amazon soon for some other things. I miss Layne's help. I miss having someone step in when they could tell that I felt like I was in too deep. I miss having things just 'magically' being done. He was great at taking care of everything. I now have the job and I am stumbling. There's no back-up now - I got spoiled knowing that Layne was always my 'back-up plan' when it came to the items on my 'to do' list that just never quite got done. I can do this. (If I say it enough times it's bound to be true.) Wish me luck.

Anniversary

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. It was the first time I had to figure out a meaningful way to celebrate without having him here. It's been 19 years for us. It's a memorable time of year. We started dating around this time of year as well. We had met in the spring - but, it took him awhile to actually 'ask me out'. I remember our first date was ice skating. Sounded fun. I hadn't done much ice skating since I was a child. But, I was up for it nonetheless. I also remember him admitting that he didn't really know how to skate very well. I was actually impressed that he would invite me to do something with him where he knew he wasn't going to be showing off - and then there was the possibility of doing something embarrassing. It ended up being true. He didn't know how to skate. We had a good time. It has crossed my brain since then that he might have just wanted a good excuse for us to be close. It seems that with ice skating...the instinct is to cling to someone if you're unstable...and on the flip side...to 'catch' the other person as they are falling. It was probably all part of his plan. I would realize later that he is someone that plans ahead.
Part of yesterday wasn't very fun for me. I missed Layne. I had doubts. I was scared about the future. I let my train of thoughts run off track. Lesson learned. Although...no guarantees given. I might do it again someday. Grief is an odd thing. There are times it defies the reason that we might try to apply to it. It tends to act on its own.
Some of the good things about yesterday were: going to the temple (and finding one that was open on a Monday morning), messages from family and friends - some unexpected (people I hadn't heard from in awhile who felt like 'someone' wanted them to reach out), 'randomly' seeing a friend of ours from student housing days at the place I stopped for lunch, the kids letting me just have the day to process (and helping to boost my spirits in the end), people bringing by fun things - flowers had been delivered while I was at the temple...and later in the day items for dinner along with some bright flowers found their way to our door with hugs as a welcome addition. (I'm not even sure they knew it was our anniversary...the timing just 'worked out' that way.)
The temple I went to just happened to be the last place Layne and I had gone together. It was the last endowment session Layne had done. His parents and sisters were also with us. Great memory. I have a picture of the two of us in front of the temple for the picture that is on my phone. He looks so frail.
Looking back, there were things that happened that seemed to have been inspired. Like I stated previously - part of the day was really hard. But, in the end...I actually feel pretty good about it. I even ended it with watching an episode from a show that we had started watching together (Madam Secretary).

Twenty-Four Hours

I had a rough past 24 hours. It all started with running into the dishwasher and being down for the count on the floor. I'm sure my ego and gash on my leg will heal. The dishwasher door was actually bent. I tried to bend it back. We tried it today and it seems to function. While I was on the floor I started a bit of a pity party. I didn't know why my husband had to leave. There was no one to come and help me. (Although, one of my thoughtful sons came in the kitchen and tried. One of my daughters tried to come and comfort me too. For some reason it just didn't work for me at the time. I let them know I was grateful. But, inside I felt like it just wasn't the same.) I was upset about how unfair life is...I realized my new life was always having to be the one to fix things - especially tricky when 'everything' seems to keep breaking. I also get to the be one to make sure everything gets done for the family and around the house/yard. I was really feeling down about my situation.
I went to the temple this morning and it wasn't the experience that I hoped it would be. I was struggling. I didn't know why Layne had to leave. I was hoping to feel his presence there. It didn't really happen. I had a hard time for a good portion of the day.
Tonight...I joked with the kids during dinner. The words, 'don't pay no mind to the demons - they fill you with fear', came into my mind. I have listened to the song often enough to recognize the quote. I also knew right then that Layne was trying to tell me to stop being upset about all the hard things. If I obsess about them - they will bring fear. Maybe that's why today was hard. I was so concerned about how hard things are and how the future is going to work out that I wasn't paying attention to some of the good things in my life - like kids that I enjoy hanging out with during dinner. Of course, the first thing I did when I had the chance was head to YouTube to play the 'Home' song (Phillip Phillips) that had come to my mind earlier. Thanks Layne for the reminder. I think he was trying to tell me something all day - and last night. I was so consumed that I wasn't listening. A lot of tears that didn't need to be shed. A lot of worry over nothing. Well, sort of nothing. I still think most of the things I was worried about are real concerns. Some weren't. I think back on it now and can picture Layne rolling his eyes. I really think he doesn't want me to panic. There will be hard things - there are hard things to work through - but, I think he really just wants me to remember that if I just work on things a little bit a time and keep going that's the best I can do. I don't need to accomplish everything all at once. I need to try and not go crazy about all the things that need to be done. I will stop there or I will start thinking about it too much and then I'll start listening to the demons so to speak.

Honeymoon

Last night was tough. I realized that the 'honeymoon' was over. Obviously, having a spouse pass away is not as great as the day you marry them - so, it's not exactly the same. I'm just thinking about the grace period that you get when life events happen. The kids being born would be another example. There's a time when you're allowed to just 'check out' for a bit in order to get used to the newness of something in your life. I really felt last night that the time was up for me. I realized a couple of things have happened that let me know that others expected me to be 'on my feet' again. It's not like I expect others to give me some kind of 'free pass' for an indefinite period of time.
I also had a couple of personal thoughts that made me realize this is just how life is going to be for me. I'm going to be the one that gets to be in charge of everything all at once - with no spouse to give any kind of support of even encouragement. I realize others have offered to help. It's appreciated. But, it's just not the same. I also get to be the one to ask others to help. At the same time...I know I can't ask others to help with every little thing.
I know I've said that Layne has been close by at times. But, I didn't feel that last night. I even started to think crazy, 'what if...' kinds of things. Such as, what if Layne needed to be done with his earth experience because there's really someone else that had waited long enough for him to return. And, that's who he's really supposed to be with instead of me. When I try to think about it logically - I know he'd be frustrated with me for thinking those things. It's just hard to move forward and get it out of my mind. I know we've made covenants and he honors those - I just can't shake some of my thoughts.
I feel like there's so much to do and so many things I'm not getting done. Maybe it's just all starting to really get to me. I don't want to be alone. But, at the same time...I agree with the kids...my getting married again seems 'weird'. I would feel like I would be betraying Layne. He said that he would be okay with it if that's what would make me the most happy. It just doesn't feel right. At least not right now. I might change my mind in a few years. I don't know. It would just seem odd to commit to someone else. The idea of even dating seems creepy to me right now. That sounded a little like a young tween not quite ready to try out the dating scene. Maybe I should be adult about it and say that the idea makes me feel uncomfortable.
I feel like I'm supposed to be jumping into reality more. I should be accomplishing more - for myself and with the kids. We should be able to be more efficient by now. I should be okay with being in charge - even when so many things keep breaking and I get to be the one that fixes them. And that's just the things we own. That doesn't even begin to take in the scope of the people involved. I really want what's best for the kids and I. Yes. I realize I'm giving myself too many 'shoulds'.

Bring Him Home

This song. I have been thinking about this one lately. There are several reasons. I was reminded this past week about the great experience I had to see this performed live. Anything from Les Mis also reminds me of the opportunities I had to see my sister perform (Eponine) when she traveled with the show. Of course - there's also the question - who doesn't love Les Mis and this song?
One of the biggest reasons I was bawling while listening to this song earlier today was because of an experience I had this past summer while we were in Nauvoo, IL. We were there for a family reunion and some of us had gone to a show that included this song. The show was about families and how things continue on through time. As you can imagine...I was already feeling tender about the whole thing. Then it happened. The performer on the stage was singing this song as he always had and I heard the words, "You need to let him go.". I immediately grabbed one of the two tissues that was already useless by this time. Right then I knew there would be no miraculous healing. Layne would be leaving us and it was going to happen seemingly sooner rather than later. That might have been enough for the waterworks - but, then I started to wonder if there were things I was doing or saying that made it so my husband felt like he couldn't give in to the cancer and be done. Was I holding him back? Everyone knows he's a fighter. But, did I have anything to do with his need to stay even longer? So many questions. I didn't want to be the one causing more pain than he was already experiencing. I had to just give in and let go - completely. I had to be okay with it. I had to do more than just say, "If you're going to take him - it'll be alright.". I was required to give him up - to put him on the alter so to speak. It was a real test.

Headstone Part Three

So, here's a picture of the paper version of the headstone. I'm going to take a line from a movie and say, "Le me 'splain.".

I got to the location of our meeting without knowing exactly what to put on the headstone. I felt like I should have been more prepared and yet I wasn't sure how to do that. I had thought about some things that might work. But, didn't have anything that I felt sure about at the time. I had discussed it with Layne. I had a general idea of what he didn't want...you know, the usual.:} He pretty much left it to me and what I wanted to do. I think he just didn't really want to decide. I had asked the kids about it too. I told them a couple of ideas. They said they were good with the idea of having their names on it. (I had to promise Jonny that we would use the nick name he's used to instead of his 'full name'.) The names of the kids might have been something I would have put on the back - but, we have a flat stone as per the cemetery requirements.
I got there and looked at some of the samples. I chose the type of stone. Then I started looking through the books they have with so many different examples. My 'too many options' brain started to get a little frazzled. I had brought in a piece of paper that I had written a couple of things on - our names, dates, the kids names...
As I was looking through the books I noticed the music staff and knew it had to be a part of what was done. The gal that was helping me had already asked some things about what we like in order to get some ideas going and decisions made - as soon as possible - because I'm good at making hasty decisions. (Whatever.) We talked a little bit about running and writing...about being a mom. All of those are good things - just didn't feel right. So, I was excited when something clearly was the right thing to put on it. I just realized that everything on here has more than one meaning. Maybe the items mentioned earlier had too much to do with us individually. I realized that I wanted something to represent us. I wanted things that meant something. I knew Layne wanted each item to have a purpose. You don't waste space when it's something so permanent that has the possibility for so much meaning.
So back to the musical staff. Music is something that is important to both of us individually and is very much a part of our relationship. (I wanted to make sure I used present tense there because all I have to do is hear a song and he's present.) We spent time enjoying and making music while he was here. I don't see a reason to stop doing that.
One of the last things I decided was the temple. I wasn't sure I wanted it on there. Would there be room? Would it be too 'cheesy'? Layne didn't like cheesy and I'm not sure I'm a fan either. The temple is important to us. I don't mean to slight the meaning of the temple and the things that happen there. In fact, it's because of the covenants we've made that I have had an easier time of all this than I would have otherwise had if he were to just be gone - with no more connections. The temple is important. I just didn't want to do it because it's a common thing to do. I decided to go with the Oakland Temple because that's where we were married and sealed together. I think part of the reason I did that was for the reminder of eternal families. I don't know if it's something I would have put on there if both of us had grown old together. I think there would have been something about the gospel - because that is a very big part of our lives. I just don't know if it would have been a temple. But, because Layne died with enough time for me to feel a need to remember that we are still a family, I decided to have it be a part of what was important. The gal asked if I wanted to put on a phrase surrounding the temple - many people put on 'families are forever' or something similar. I didn't feel the need to go along with the trend. I knew the temple represented that message. I also knew Layne would have wanted to stay away from a trend at all costs.:}
Layne and I had talked a couple of times about the choice between a beach house and a cabin in the mountains. I was curious. It's supposed to say something about who you are - because I place importance on things like that - not really...just fun to think about sometimes. I think I brought it up because I can never quite decide. I love the idea of both. I'm not sure what that's supposed to say about me. Maybe it says I just want to have it all. Maybe it states that I have a hard time making decisions. Maybe I was bringing it up so we could secretly figure out a way to have both. There was no question with Layne. He didn't even need to vocalize that he would choose the beach house. I just already knew. I would have loved for us to get back to San Diego or the Bay Area just one more time. I thought of that and realized that it would be great to do something that combined the ocean and the mountains. One of the reasons I liked the idea is because it represents the places we have lived together. I also like that it's a statement about our relationship. We are different in so many ways and yet still share a togetherness. Maybe it's the yin/yang idea...two making one whole. Maybe it's opposites attract. I thought it was a good way to show different but the same. We are equals. We are one. Ok. Moving on. I felt great about using the ocean and mountain combination. They started out with a palm tree with the ocean and pine tree immediately in front of mountains (that looked more like hills). It didn't feel quite right. The palm tree reminded me too much of Hawaii. I love it there and I will be forever grateful for the opportunity we had to go together. (Thanks again family.) It's just that when I think of us at the beach together (which mostly includes several locations on both coasts of the USA and Mexico) - I don't think of palm trees. There are palm trees in some of those places. I just remember times together on the beach including the sand, waves, birds, cliffs, the sun, and each other. I requested something without the palm tree. They came up with what is now there. The pine tree was next. I asked if they had anything that looked more like large mountains instead of hills. I got a no on that one. (I'm sure I sounded a little more diplomatic about it at the time.) I then had the idea of aspens pop into my head. I asked about those and they came up with putting the aspens in front of the mountains and moving the mountains higher up on the surface - funny how that made them look more like mountains. It made me happy...so I went with it. It made me think of wishing we had spent more time in the mountains together - it also made me remember the wish to get Layne to The Ranch one more time. It felt important so I kept it that way. Those are just some of the rambling...tumbling thoughts that I had about the ocean and mountains. It felt like a good way to show balance. I especially think that as I see them on opposite sides and think about how the eye is brought from one corner to the other as well.
I decided to make it more unique by only doing the 'scroll' for our last name. The others I saw did the individual names and dates that way as well. I noticed later that everything else fits so much better the way it's done now.
The headstone will be placed facing east. It will be seen from the 'street' in the cemetery. Layne is buried on the south side. I will be on the north. I was pleased that's the way it worked out. It reminds me of the 'sides' we took as slept each night. I'm glad I'll be in the right spot.:} It's odd how many seemingly random things come to mind.
Well...that ended up being longer than I'd originally thought. I wanted to make sure I got the background in there. There's a meaning and reason behind all of it. I feel really good about it. I'm looking forward to seeing it when it's placed.

Musical Note

We have been listening to some music tonight. After a bit - the kids started listening to a couple of 'covers' for songs that are familiar. One of them was Phillip Phillips' 'Home'. It started and Megan stated, "Mom always cries on this one.". Jonny was about to change it. I was in another room and told them to leave it where it was - so we could listen to the whole song. I will listen every time. And, just to be clear...I really don't cry every time.
I have spent part of the evening realizing how much listening to accapella is such a family thing for us. Thanks Layne. It was definitely one of his favorite genres.