Saturday Breakfast

The kids have dubbed Layne, "Chef Daddy". It was years ago that they figured out that he can cook and is great at creating new combinations of flavors. It's fun going to a restaurant with him and having him state that he could do something similar at home. The new creation is always a success. He gets excited about new kitchen gadgets.
When we bring food to a potluck, people know that I bring items that work just fine for the occasion. If Layne brings it...there's typically lots of happy sighs and requesting of recipes. I have given up on being the contributor of food for our family reunions. I will think for days about logistics and what will work, finally come up with something that will be sufficient, and start in on the necessary planning. Layne will let the subject stew for a couple of days, mention it at the last minute, throw it together, and the crowd goes wild. If there has been a memorable meal at a reunion...it's been the one Layne has dreamed up (usually). It's not like any of them are worthy of complaint. We have several people that know what they're doing. I'm not one of them. Layne tends to come up with something that can feed a crowd and be a little different at the same time.
Layne likes to cook a real yummy breakfast whenever possible. The best time to work that into the schedule is typically on a Saturday morning. This morning it was French Toast. He used cinnamon swirl bread and egg nog instead of doing the usual. It was the first time our family had tried it. Scrumptious. We also had some fruit and the kids had hot chocolate. (Thanks for the 'machine' G/M!) It was delicious!
I had a very brief..."What do we do when he's gone?" moment while he was flipping the French Toast. The kids know I will never think of such things. We'll have to come up with a new tradition. Maybe that's part of what I'll remember about this morning...tradition. There are certain things that we like to do that don't seem like a big deal at the time, but when variables are changed, we realize they are huge. I will always fondly remember Saturday Morning Breakfast with Layne.

So Much...

I have many topics running around in my head. Some are about cancer and Layne, some are about our kids and homeschooling, some are about what we are grateful for these days, some are about the purpose of the Christmas season, some are about the latest family happenings, and some are just about logistics for tomorrow. I'm sure I could go on...but, that would be a bit boring.
We've been truly blessed. We are so grateful for all who keep us in their thoughts and prayers. We are humbled by those who serve us. This has been a different holiday season for us. I'm behind on plans. We haven't participated in all of the events that we were originally thinking to this year. But, at the same time, there is a peace in our home that comes from attempting to be close to the Savior. Or maybe it's just that He's trying to tell us something. I think that something would be that somehow, it will be OK...and that's all we need to know. We would drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out how things will work out. So, we don't. Time will tell. In the meantime, we are enjoying this precious season. There is so much to be grateful for each day.
So...Merry Christmas to all...and to all a good night.

12 Days of Christmas

We had a small Christmas tree delivered to our doorstep tonight. It was decked out with pears and a partridge on the top (along with other festive items). It's a mystery as to who left it there, but we are grateful. I first wondered why someone had thought of us. We are used to being on the other end of the seasonal fun. (Yes, I still have yet to purchase the 'sub for santa' gift I committed to...better get on that.) Then I remembered, 'Oh ya, my husband has cancer; I guess someone thought we could use some Christmas cheer.'. So, here we are with a tangible piece of evidence that someone was kind enough to think of us. Thank you!

Schedule, Shmedule...

We have had several adjustments to the schedule for this week. At one point, Layne was going to meet with the oncologist and have an infusion on the same day. He's usually one of the first appointments in the day and we get still get home at a decent time. This time he was scheduled for late morning and with the chemo change, there wouldn't be time to do it all in one day. So, he was going to do labs and meet with the oncologist today and then get the infusion tomorrow. That was a little change of plans. Now we're onto another change of plans. Huntsman hasn't received the current info (scan, etc) from MD Anderson...so, the appointments were postponed. After pinning down the actual time of package delivery, Thursday is now the day we'll do it all...starting early and ending late. (FedEx is still on schedule...we're just anxious to move forward.)
We're realizing with this whole thing that plans are constantly changing. It makes it difficult to schedule when we don't have a guarantee of when things are happening or how Layne will feel after the chemo. So, we just keep moving forward. I'm glad something is scheduled...for now. It'll be over a month since he's had any chemo at all. So, we'll see how things go with the new chemo and rather we can keep a consistent schedule.

Christmas Wish

Layne and I were working on gifts for the kids. He asked me what I wanted. I couldn't think of a thing. I finally just told him that the best gift would be a husband that's cancer free. Here's hoping for a Christmas miracle...

Results from Houston visit

The trip to Houston was good.  I enjoyed meeting some new friends, loved the Texas BBQ, and the weather sure beats Salt Lake City in December.

The oncologists at MD Anderson told me they are not sure yet whether I am a candidate for HIPEC.  They had two concerns that would need to be addressed before I could receive the treatment.  One is that they don't think my current chemotherapy is working, and HIPEC would not be effective without a chemo treatment that stops the cancer.  The other concern was that I may have cancer near my bladder in a place where they could not surgically remove it, again making the HIPEC ineffective.  I think Teresa mentioned these things in her recent posts.

Anyway, I will meet with my oncologist here in Salt Lake on Tuesday and do a session of chemo on Wednesday.  I think the plan is try another kind of chemo, and then follow up with scans again in a few months to see how things are working. 

Layne

Temple Experience

I wrote a bit about going to the temple on Tuesday. I failed to mention that afterward I spent some time in the Celestial Room...thinking, praying, crying...repeat.
While I was there, I also went to one of the sealing rooms and thought about the day Layne and I got married. It brought a fresh set of tears...especially when I looked into the mirrors that are on either side of the room. They make it look as if life just keeps going. I guess it does...from one generation to the next...both past and future.
I also thought about other times we had been in sealing rooms since then. All tender memories. While there, I looked into the mirror, through the open doors, and saw the celestial room. I thought of times Layne and I had sat and talked, prayed and cried together. Again, more tender memories.
I'm so thankful for the temple and the blessings that can come from attending. I love the feeling there. I also love knowing what the commitments mean that we make there - and, the opportunity we've had to make them.
I will stop with the posts for now...I'm starting to repeat myself. (That, and the kids are getting a bit crazy.)

Grief

I read a book earlier this week by Anita Stansfield. (I won't share the title - that way the plot isn't ruined for you if it's one you are planning on reading.) Anyway. In the book, there's a man (husband/father) that has cancer. One of the points that is discussed among family members is that when you know someone has a terminal illness much of the grief (of being separated) from that person is felt and dealt with before they die. It gives you more time to work through the grief and plan for the person to be gone. In a way, you're more prepared. Another point brought up in the book was the idea that death was not feared, but it's the separation from loved ones that we're hesitant to deal with in our lives. Yes, I had a box of tissues close by while reading a novel about a husband and father dying of cancer.
I already knew these things, but hadn't really put a name to them. I'm actually glad that we get to know before he leaves that Layne is going to be gone. It would be so hard to work through everything all at once. The kids and I would have to get used to the idea of him being gone and work through the logistics all at the same time. This way, at least we can be as prepared as possible and be able to move on quicker. The hard part is still working through it. I feel like that's much of what we're doing now. Like today, I feel grief. It comes and goes. For me, it's more obvious when we've just found out another bend in the road we're on. I keep hoping that the road will just stop having so many bends in it. That it will be obvious as to what we need to do, that we'll be able to do it and at the end of all that we'll be able to move on with our lives together. Instead, we seem to have the winding road that doesn't end. In either case, I think Heavenly Father is asking for our faith. And really...it's the only thing that will help right now. I cannot imagine experiencing all of this without knowing about a greater plan. I would be an even bigger mess if I thought we'd never see Layne again.
Layne and I have talked about this and he says he's not afraid to die. He does feel anxious about leaving because he feels a great responsibility in taking care of our family. He also doesn't like the idea of being separated for awhile. But, it just might be how life goes.
We're learning more and more that life is fragile and we never really know the timing God has for our lives.

Focus, Focus, Focus

I haven't been very focused today. I feel bad about that because I wasn't well yesterday. I haven't accomplished as much as needed this week. I was hoping that since yesterday was not productive, I would be able to plow through some things today. It hasn't happened yet. 

We had planned on meeting with some other homeschool families today to make some Christmas cards and winter decor (snowflakes). I was looking forward to it. But, somehow didn't feel like going after talking to Layne. I realized that wasn't fair to the kids. It also doesn't make sense to sit around and sulk. So, I told them about Layne and later asked their opinion of attending the festive outing. (It's geared toward the older kids and the younger kids get the benefit of having friends to associate with for an afternoon.) The decision was made to skip it this week and possibly make some cards on our own out of the materials we have here. I was glad I made them part of the decision. Other times, I'll just announce we're going when it comes to things like that and they always end up being glad we went. But, today I didn't have the energy to convince children that what they were about to do was going to be fun and exciting...even though my opinion was that it was going to be fantastic. I'm sure those who went had a fabulous time and came away with some cool creations.

The Saga Continues

It would be really great if we could just be done with cancer and move on with our lives...but, even as I type that - I know that being done with the cancer ultimately means that Layne is gone. I don't want that either. I'm so grateful for the time we've been able to spend together the last few months.
Having said that, I got a call from Layne this morning that I just can't get out of my head. Facts we were fairly certain of were confirmed. The chemo he's been doing is not working. There are new growths since all visible growths were removed during his surgery.
The scan that was done this week, shows a mass located in a spot where surgical removal would be tricky...too many blood vessels surrounding the tumor. They informed us that the next step would be to go in and check the site to answer a couple of questions. Is there an actual tumor there? And, could it be removed successfully? If the answer is no to the second question, there will be no HIPEC for Layne.
The other factor is finding a chemo that works for him. His oncologist was going to change his treatment starting the next round anyway. So, we'll see what happens there. They suggested to schedule the procedure (to check on the random tumor) for this coming Tuesday. He thought to stay in Houston and get the procedure done so we would know one of the pieces to the puzzle. The chemo would need to wait for at least three weeks in order for him to be able to heal and then handle the new chemo. That would mean almost two months between chemo treatments.
While we were discussing options, it came to my mind that time was a factor. (My chin started to quiver.) We need to do what will give us answers in the least amount of time. So, we're going to go with him returning to keep the chemo appointment he has early in the upcoming week. That way, we can work on whether the chemo works or not. The chemo treatments need to be finished before he does HIPEC anyway (if at all). That way, if we find the chemo is working, he'll go back the MD Anderson and have the procedure done. We'll be able to get going on the chemo instead of waiting for the healing time of the procedure.
As I was talking with Layne, I really felt the impact of the time factor. Not only did I know we needed to have the timing be one of the factors to consider while deciding what to do, I also was very aware of the idea that we might be separated sooner than we've been thinking. We keep thinking Layne has some time left...although, we don't know how much. But, today I had the real feeling that our time is shorter than we think.

Knowledge is Power

I went to the temple today. I knew Layne was going to be in the Houston temple this afternoon, so I planned on being in the temple here around the same time. I was even really sappy and wore a dress I know he likes along with a scarf he bought for me while on a business trip to Germany.
I'm glad I went. It had been too long. I sat and enjoyed the peace at the end for awhile. I even had someone come up and hug me while I was weeping a bit. It made me grateful for all of those who want the best for us, those who are praying for us and offer to help in any way they can. That made me a little more weepy.
I was also thinking about the idea that part of the grieving that's done when you know a loved one is going to die is done before they go. I'm glad in a way. If my spouse is going to die young, I'd rather know and prepare than be shocked, grieving and attempting to figure out the future all at the same time. This way, if there are logistics that aren't in place...it's my own fault. (Maybe more should be done about that right NOW.) There won't be too much shock because I will be expecting it at some point. And, some of the grieving will have already happened, right? What a great plan. I think I still might be a bit of a mess for the first little while.
I'm grateful for the times we've had to spend time together as a family. I want the kids to have good memories of their dad and know that he tried to be a good father for them while he was around. I want them to have a desire for our family to be together again.

HIPEC Assessment

This was written previously. It's the post I referred to on the November 20th post. I was going to share more background information...but, Layne's post gives explanation and this is just more of my reaction to it.
Layne found out today that he is scheduled for a HIPEC assessment the first week of December. You might be asking, 'What is HIPEC and why is it being considered?'. It was something that was discussed when treatment was first being determined. It was decided against because it is invasive and it's not nationally approved. They only do the tried and true approved treatment at Huntsman. The results of the last scan that was done means that Layne may or may not have some new masses growing. It was suggested that HIPEC be looked into again. The doctor knows someone in Houston that does it. All I know is that it scares me. I'm not sure it guarantees much, it's hard on the body, is expensive (not sure insurance will cover it) and takes awhile to recover. I grieved all over again today about him dying and what that means for me, our family and the future. The girls have asked me several times tonight if I'm alright. The boys/Layne are gone scuba diving. (Layne's going as an 'adult on the surface'.)
There are times I try not to think about what is going to eventually happen and it's been awhile since it hit me hard. Tonight was just one of those times.
Layne doesn't seem to be a bit concerned. He thinks it's available...so why not try it? It seems to be the scientist in him.

Houston

So on October 25th my oncologist had me do another CT scan to see how things were progressing with my chemotherapy.  He said they found two potential tumors in my abdomen, that may or may not have been there since the the last scan in July.  The tumor board met regarding my case again, and although they don't agree with the procedure, decided it would be wise to refer me to a center where they do HIPEC (Hyperthermic Intraperitoneal Chemotherapy).  You can look for information about it online, but basically they open your abdomen, root around for tumors to remove, and then slosh hot chemotherapy drugs around inside the abdomen to kill anything they can't remove.  It is very invasive and they are highly selective about the patients on which they perform the procedure.  But they also have very good outcomes for the patients that receive HIPEC.

I will be traveling to Houston on Monday to visit MD Anderson Cancer Center to see if I am a candidate for this procedure.  I did not receive any chemotherapy yesterday in preparation for this visit, and the rest of my chemotherapy treatments depend on what they decide.  If they say I am a candidate for HIPEC, then I will be doing whatever they say to prepare and my current chemotherapy may end.  If I am not a candidate, then my oncologist said he probably will change my treatments slightly from FOLFOX to FOLFIRI and Avastin.

Hopefully the doctors at MD Anderson will have an answer for me by the end of my visit next week.  Teresa and I will let you know when we find out.

Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers.

Layne