Muffins and Medicine

Layne got up early and made muffins this morning. When he makes muffins, they are not the boxed mix like I use...he makes them from scratch. We had apple cinnamon muffins and blueberry oatmeal muffins this morning. We also had grapefruit and pears too. (A family 'recipe' for him.) He realized this morning that he couldn't eat grapefruit with the drugs he's taking for the clinical trial. I felt bad for him...but, we obviously moved on quickly. I didn't realize he was going to get up and make something. We talked about just doing some pancakes or waffles...something quick and yummy. It occurred to my again that he's just not your average cancer patient. I don't know many guys that would get up early on Christmas just to make breakfast for his wife and kids in the first place...and then this is a guy who had a chemo treatment less than a week ago and doesn't sleep very well these days anyway. It's a good thing he was here to do it. The kids might have had to suffer through a breakfast of pancakes instead of made from scratch muffins on Christmas day.:}

True Meaning of Christmas

This morning we read The Living Christ before we started opening presents. We took turns reading the different paragraphs. Layne read the last one and was emotional before he finished. That usually gets me started too. He shared his testimony and how he's so grateful for a Savior because he knows it's the only way he'll be able to see us again. He then talked about feeling and recognizing the spirit because we could feel the Holy Ghost was there. Megan had suggested before we started that we pray after reading it (loved that idea/love my kids)...so, we did that and the kids were ready to start with the gifts. I asked for just a second or two to say something. They were kind and sat to listen. I then told them about how I was so grateful dad was here with us today and even if it's the last Christmas we get to have him around, I'm very glad I know we'll get to see him again. I shared with them that I know that can only happen because of what Christ has done for us and that I will be eternally grateful. As soon as I said I was done...the kids really were ready to go. Layne went over by the tree and started to hand out presents. The kids had done pretty well - we had already had breakfast and the girls were already dressed and ready for the day. The kids had checked out what was in their stockings...but, other than that they hadn't done a thing with the gifts that were surrounding the tree. It's been different for us to have just our family together this year at our house. This is the first year we've done that since we've lived here (6 years) so it's a new thing for us.

Last Christmas?

Yesterday our ward did their annual Christmas presentation. I sang with the choir. It was just one number and then a hymn. I chose to sit with the congregation. I didn't realize until after it was too late that I was the only participant that had done that. While I was up there, I had the thought come mind several times that this was going to be Layne's last Christmas. It made it a little hard to sing and I'm pretty sure I didn't help much with the overall sound of the songs. At one point, I thought to stay up there until the meeting ended. There wasn't going to be too much time left. I decided to be a rebel and go back to the bench we were sitting on with the girls and Layne. After that...I wanted to sit by my husband for the remainder of the meeting...just because...it might have been my last chance to do so and I wasn't going to miss it. I'm hoping I didn't disturb things too much.


And...this is what I get for leaving this post open:

DONT WORRY MOM MICHELL DID
who is this?
I AM THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
for real who is this and why are you on my blog?!
BECAUSE I'M BATMAN!!!!! (AND THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT)
Is this you Jonny?
NO
Jonny get of my blog!
MOM CHRISTMAS IS IN THREE DAYS CHILL OUT.
Jonny stop it you're not the christmas spirit!
BATMAN?
No! you aren't batman either.
YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.....
yes I do you're my son! got off my blog please.
UGHHHH! FINE!

Yep...thanks so much Jonny. As you can tell...I did not edit his 'contribution'. Apparently, not much is sacred around here. He really is going to publish one day.

Most Recent Treatment

Layne did chemo this past week-end. I took the opportunity to go with him while he had his labs and spoke with the oncologist. It had been awhile since I'd done that. It felt a little more like I was supporting him in all of his adventures. The treatment went as well as possible. He's getting more used it - so, it's more efficient and the side effects don't seem as dramatic.
He came with my parents to come see a play that we were in that night. Saturday was a little bit of the usual...with as few errands as possible. Sunday brought a morning meeting for him and the usual block of church meetings. He went Home Teaching with Jacob after church and then we were home for the evening. I was singing his praises for putting the pot roast and veggies in the crock pot that morning.

Joints

This morning Layne mentioned his joints again. They've been a little bit of an issue this time around - it's one of the things that this clinical trial is testing. I guessed his feet were bothering him because that's been a common one. I then asked about others. He mentioned his hips and one of his knees. He then stated, "I don't know if I can bike today since I can't move my leg."*. Then...being the ever supportive care giver that I am...I laughed. Out loud. What other person is going to give serious consideration to the exercise routine when they can't even move one of their limbs? Maybe it's just me. That and it struck me as funny that it was such a statement of the obvious.

Later, he casually described the 'discomfort' as this knee hurts less than this one. So...the translation would be...this knee hurts and this one is killing me and I'm feeling it constantly.

*From Layne: This sounds much worse than what I meant when I said it.  I can move fine, but raising my leg like I would when I ride a bike hurt, and I felt like I couldn't do that.

Newsflash...again...

In the last post, I realized that we're used to getting not so great news. Sometimes numbers are too low and he's not able to get chemo, sometimes something comes up out of seemingly nowhere (like the possibility of skin cancer or a brain tumor), sometimes there are symptoms from the trial drug or affects of the chemo that aren't very fun...sometimes we find out we get to do things that aren't very fun (such as giving shots or de-accessing a port).
The list could get quite extensive. But, it seems the best thing to do is just move forward. There are times I feel like I've lost the ability to be shocked. I'm pretty even keel anyway. There are times I think about what I've just been told about my husband and think that most 'normal' wives might be freaking out. Or, at the very least holding back lots of tears until a more private moment. I cry the tears at times - but, it's usually not over a glitch in treatment. Sometimes it feels like it's just all in a days work. Sometimes I wonder why I might need to ask the dentist about TMJ because I'm not sure they can do much about the tightness in my jaw or the headaches that produces. (I also don't think my shoulders will ever be loose again.) Maybe I still need to figure out a strategy for stress. I think I'm going to go with more yoga.

Head CT

So, I forgot to mention...Layne is on his way to get a head CT scan. Yep, just drove off all on his own. I know it's one of those things that could lend itself to someone being with you, but these days we just sort of do what we do. I asked if he wanted me to go with him, but he didn't really seem too worried about it. I think because neither one of us believes he actually has a tumor (or multiple) on his brain. Yet, at the same time it's hard not too worry a little bit. On the other hand...last month (or was it two?) it was the possibility of skin cancer on his scalp. So, sometimes I just say, "whatever" and go on with my day. I think he does the same thing. Although, I'm sure it's not quite as easy for him to do since he's the one actually going to the appointments and being poked, prodded, and otherwise being a human lab rat. (It's not very fun to see him hooked up to machines...or knowing that he might be in pain...or as he puts it, "uncomfortable".) We'll see what happens.