Four Months

This morning I thought about the fact that tomorrow will be four months since Layne's death. Sometimes it seems like it was another life time ago. Other times it doesn't seem real and I wonder if I'll ever wrap my head around the fact that he's gone. I feel like I've mostly just been going through the motions. Well, some days. Some days I feel like I don't even want to do that. It's odd how when he was healthy, we were used to having him gone during the day. Now it feels different. In a way it's as if he's just gone for the day - in a way I have to remember that he's never coming back. That's the hard part. He's not coming back. It's not as if we can pretend he's just on a business trip or working out of town for awhile. He won't be coming home at the end of the work day...or after his run...or back from a meeting at the church. He's gone. I don't like that. Sometimes I want him to come back - even if it's just for a hug and a quick conversation. But, I know that can't happen. Other people are kind and give me hugs and I appreciate them...but, it's just not the same. I know life will never be the same and I'm not sure what to do with that or how to react. I don't know what life is supposed to look like anymore. I don't even know how to figure that out. I just know that life will truly never be the same.

Benefits of a Savior

Something I jotted down on my Christ Daily Facebook page tonight:
So today I had some thoughts about loved ones dying and how my husband is longer here. I was thinking about how some people get married again after a spouse dies. They are lonely and want the companionship again. I get that. At this point I don't feel like it's right for me. I realized that the reasons I think and feel what I do about the topic is because of Christ. I know I will see my husband again. I know he didn't just suddenly cease to exist. I know that is true and will happen because I know our Savior's role in the plan of salvation. I know He lives. As a result, I know my husband continues to live as well. We will see each other again. I like that thought.

I thought I'd share it here as well. I'm so thankful to know I'll see Layne again. There are times the thought of getting married again have passed through my mind. The thought never stays for very long. I feel like I know he's still around and we're still married. I'm still at a point where it would feel like I was betraying him. I'm not saying that all widows would or even should feel that way - I'm just saying that's how I feel about the topic. There's something about knowing that Layne would know that feels a little bit creepy to me. I'm also at a point where I might feel lonely at times - but right now I don't want anyone to take Layne's place. I know that's not exactly how it works. I just know that's what it would feel like to me right now. I may or may not feel the same way five years from now. I don't know.

Eggs and Toast

We had scrambled eggs and toast this morning. As I was making the eggs, Rachel came in and commented about how she remembered dad would put his egg on his toast and eat it that way. While we were eating, Jonny reminisced about how Layne would put egg on a piece of toast, fold it together, and eat it as he was heading out the door for a run. It's interesting the things that are remembered once someone is gone. I'm glad the kids feel like they can share things as they come up.

Time Will Tell

I've been writing on some other blogs these days too. As I write, I'm realizing that there are several things that are all linked together. It seems there are several things that have to do with Layne being gone and my needing to make things work on my own. I'll still write in other places - but, at times I wonder if life will always be this way. If I'll still randomly start crying. If I'll ever feel healthy and capable. If I'll ever feel like the good times will stay a little longer. I guess time will tell.

Finding Peace

Today in Relief Society we had a lesson that included a story about Howard W. Hunter and his wife being in the hospital. The story included him using resources, making a decision, taking action, and peace finally coming after being in the waiting room for awhile.
It reminded me what it was like to wait for Layne while he was in surgery or having a procedure done. I remember the days of waiting for Layne. I'm not usually one to be real emotional about things. But, one does worry and get a bit anxious when waiting for a spouse to be done with a procedure. Of course, while I was thinking about that I remembered watching Layne get his chemo treatments. It's hard to watch someone that you know...someone that you're used to being capable, full of life, and seemingly healthy...just want to sleep. There was so much pain.
I think the connection came for me not only in experiencing the concerns that President Hunter related...but, also in finding the peace. It was memorable for several reasons. I will not forget that even though I might have been exhausted or Layne was in pain...the peace came. At the end of the day the peace was there. I knew that our Heavenly Parents knew what was going on, that they cared, and that somehow we were going to get through it. They would help us. Every. Time.

Priesthood Duties

I was thinking today about the boys and how they take care of their priesthood duties. Their dad would be pleased. I know he tried to do what he could to train them and help them understand the importance of what they are doing. I know he would be even more pleased to know that they are worthy and do things willingly. I know it's one of the things that he felt like he missed out on - or that he will miss out on as they progress in the challenges and responsibilities that they take on.
I know he would have loved to be here to ordain Jonny as a Teacher. I also know he would have liked to have been around when they are ordained as Elders. It seems like that is coming closer and closer.
I also know he would have loved to have been here to see the girls progress through their teen years as well. There's something about fathers and their daughters. I know he feels like he's missing out. I know the kids will feel like someone is missing. I also know that there will be times when he might be able to be present - but, it won't be the same.

Making a Home

I've been listening to some music today. The song 'Home' by Phillip Phillips is a favorite these days. Today I remembered to experience I had when I first heard the song. I thought of an experience I had in the temple earlier that day that told me Layne was preparing for our family to eventually join him. The word 'home' had been part of the message I took away from the experience. While I was thinking about that - the thought came to me 'you need to be making a home'. I guess I better raise the bar around here. I feel like I need to do better about making this a place where the kids and I can accomplish what we need to do, where others feel good about being here, and a place where the Spirit can dwell. So, while I feel like he's building a home - I'll be here making one.