Star Wars VII

I went to Star Wars VII with the boys last night. Tempting...but, I will not give out any spoilers. You're welcome. The experience reminded me of Layne. It reminded me that if he were here he would have been there too. Or, maybe he and I would have seen it together at some point. I also couldn't miss the gap that was felt when it came to he and the boys going to see a movie together. They used to go to see all the live action films together. It's been a thing for them. I can also see in my mind a picture of him being excited about seeing it. Last night the boys felt the excitement - fun to watch. Layne would have been the same way - although, probably a little more dignified about it. I even thought of Layne as our oldest was a bit anxious about getting there on time.
We had a conversation about how the first movie that same kid could have been in the theatre for was a Star Wars movie. But, his dad was a little nervous/hesitant about it. I was all ready to just 'wear' my infant. But, he was concerned. Looking back...I should have put up more of a 'fight'. Oh well.

This...

This is how I will remember Layne. This is from September 2012. I will remember the smile and the blue eyes (not the dark, foreboding color the was visible at the end). I will remember the casualness of the pose and setting. He's comfortable. I will remember the Padres hat that was worn so much it faded to a different color. I always thought of it representing San Diego and the beach more than for the team it represented. I will remember the guy with a body that had muscles (not the most recent skin and bones version). I look at this picture and I can almost hear his laugh.

Kids Adjusting

As I've been thinking about things I'm grateful for this past week - I have been grateful that we homeschool. One of the things I love is that we could be together after Layne's death and funeral. We were able to process in a way that felt so much more natural and connected. I'm not sure how I would have rushed them off to school with the knowledge that they would be expected to concentrate on other things. I also know that they would have been expected to accomplish a few things in between attending school and going to bed at night. I don't think it would have been healthy to place the burden on them to just ignore their father's death and all of the thoughts and feelings that go along with it.
They seem to be managing relatively well. I don't think that would have happened in a classroom.

Thinking About It

One of the best things about being back online is that I get to post again. I still feel like I have so many things to write. I keep mulling around the idea of somehow connecting blogs...maybe having a better way of sharing them...making them more accessible. I know. I think I've said something like that before. There are some topics that take me awhile to go from thinking about them to taking action. This is one of them.

Tech Support

Our internet has been down for days. I won't tell you how many. I had thought to have a friend come look at it...do some troubleshooting. Today, I knew I had to be the one to figure something out. Jacob has spent some time trying to find a way to make things work. I called tech support. Yep. Me and all of my technical knowledge called tech support - not really even knowing what questions to ask. I obviously could tell them what the issue was...just not very familiar with all the jargon that comes after the initial statement. Later I felt a little better when I realized that it's the guys job to help people that don't know what they're doing. I'm not sure why...but, for some reason I told him not too long into the conversation that my husband was usually the one to deal with the technology side of things. His response was, 'That's okay.'. He then moved right onto the next step. I felt like I needed to give some kind of excuse as to why I didn't know what I was doing. Maybe I was feeling insufficient. He gave the impression that I was capable and was more than willing to help. I would give him some kind of shout out - but, I don't remember his name. I think there were times I was rambling as I talked through my answers to his questions. Oh well. It's done and we're up and running. I guess it's on to the next thing. Finances perhaps?

Christmas Gifts

This is a tricky time of year. I usually feel a bit panicked about getting everything done. It's one of the times that Layne usually steps in because I'm just not managing on my own. I think I got used to him helping with the gifts for the kids. He would figure out what would be fun for them to receive and then also figure out the best way to go about obtaining it. He just did it. (It's one of his qualities I wish I had...wish it would have 'worn off' onto me.) This year - I'm working on it. I think I have an idea or two for all of the kids...except for the oldest. He's being rather cryptic. I'm not sure what he wants or what to get him. I have picked up one item and will be visiting Amazon soon for some other things. I miss Layne's help. I miss having someone step in when they could tell that I felt like I was in too deep. I miss having things just 'magically' being done. He was great at taking care of everything. I now have the job and I am stumbling. There's no back-up now - I got spoiled knowing that Layne was always my 'back-up plan' when it came to the items on my 'to do' list that just never quite got done. I can do this. (If I say it enough times it's bound to be true.) Wish me luck.

Anniversary

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. It was the first time I had to figure out a meaningful way to celebrate without having him here. It's been 19 years for us. It's a memorable time of year. We started dating around this time of year as well. We had met in the spring - but, it took him awhile to actually 'ask me out'. I remember our first date was ice skating. Sounded fun. I hadn't done much ice skating since I was a child. But, I was up for it nonetheless. I also remember him admitting that he didn't really know how to skate very well. I was actually impressed that he would invite me to do something with him where he knew he wasn't going to be showing off - and then there was the possibility of doing something embarrassing. It ended up being true. He didn't know how to skate. We had a good time. It has crossed my brain since then that he might have just wanted a good excuse for us to be close. It seems that with ice skating...the instinct is to cling to someone if you're unstable...and on the flip side...to 'catch' the other person as they are falling. It was probably all part of his plan. I would realize later that he is someone that plans ahead.
Part of yesterday wasn't very fun for me. I missed Layne. I had doubts. I was scared about the future. I let my train of thoughts run off track. Lesson learned. Although...no guarantees given. I might do it again someday. Grief is an odd thing. There are times it defies the reason that we might try to apply to it. It tends to act on its own.
Some of the good things about yesterday were: going to the temple (and finding one that was open on a Monday morning), messages from family and friends - some unexpected (people I hadn't heard from in awhile who felt like 'someone' wanted them to reach out), 'randomly' seeing a friend of ours from student housing days at the place I stopped for lunch, the kids letting me just have the day to process (and helping to boost my spirits in the end), people bringing by fun things - flowers had been delivered while I was at the temple...and later in the day items for dinner along with some bright flowers found their way to our door with hugs as a welcome addition. (I'm not even sure they knew it was our anniversary...the timing just 'worked out' that way.)
The temple I went to just happened to be the last place Layne and I had gone together. It was the last endowment session Layne had done. His parents and sisters were also with us. Great memory. I have a picture of the two of us in front of the temple for the picture that is on my phone. He looks so frail.
Looking back, there were things that happened that seemed to have been inspired. Like I stated previously - part of the day was really hard. But, in the end...I actually feel pretty good about it. I even ended it with watching an episode from a show that we had started watching together (Madam Secretary).