What Will I Do?

Today is one of those days where things have caught up with me and I just want a few minutes to cry. Yesterday Layne helped to get a large oatmeal container open. It was being opened for the first time and I just wasn't getting it open. I was glad he was around and helped. I asked him what I was going to do when he was gone and then we hugged and moved on with our day. Later in the day I thought the same thing while we were kissing. And, I had the thought this morning too when I smelled some of his clothes. I had smelled one of my own shirts to determine if I needed to toss it in the laundry or not. Then, the thought came to me about others smelling the clothes of a lost loved one or holding a sentimental item. That's how I ended up on Layne's side of the closet smelling his clothes. I didn't expect that I would start to cry. I can't imagine his half of the closet empty...or getting rid of his things. Maybe I'll have something that I keep - just to remember.
This morning I realized I would miss joking around with him and that I would miss his laugh. I will miss the snuggling, the intimacy, and someone to keep me warm at night. I will miss his help with the kids, our family, the income, the home, and the yard. I will miss being part of a couple. I'm not sure what it feels like to be identified as an individual anymore. (No, I don't mean in a 'I'm not whole without him' or 'I don't know who I am' kind of way - it's more of a 'just what I've gotten used to' kind of thing. I don't really remember how to be single and certainly don't know what it's like to be a widow at this point.)
On the other side of the coin, maybe some of my emotions are coming from being the 'not quite as organized as I'd like be' kind of person that makes me panic and just a bit stressed as Christmas approaches and I'm not ready. I'm sure there's more than just thinking about losing my husband that's making me a bit weepy. Although, at the same time - that reason could stand on its own.
Time to go do something happy - or at least something productive. Or, maybe I'll start small and cry before moving on with my day. Because I don't want to leave on a sad note - maybe I could start with appreciating the beautiful day outside. It snowed all day yesterday - so, today we're starting with a layer of beautiful snow, a clear blue sky, and sunshine. I love the chance for a fresh start after a gloomy day.

New Normal

At our last appointment, Layne asked again about anything else he could be doing. He's grateful for the results. He's also a logical, scientific mind, meet a goal kind of a guy. He's wanting a definite time frame for being back to working full time, not feeling exhausted, running again, and getting back to what he's been used to doing. He feels like he just got settled with things at work and then cancer happened. We both laughed when he compared having cancer with working on a doctorate degree. Life seems to drag on with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Success Story

We spoke with the oncologist yesterday. After hearing that there was no more growth of the tumors, we spoke with the guy who manages the clinical trial. He asked Layne if he'd be alright with being a 'success story' for a report he was doing. We joked a little about it. We were told that Layne was the only one still doing the trial they had started months ago. It would be told as an anonymous case study and just have the clinical details given. It was nice to be able to have a light conversation about a clinical trial. I also like that those who are there, do their best to keep the conversations positive - even though they might be sharing not so great news. I'm not sure I'd go so far as 'upbeat' because they also do well with being compassionate when needed. I like that they are genuine. We are very grateful to be moving forward. The oncologist extended the time frame for another appointment with him. That was a nice feeling. It was as if everything was OK for a few minutes.

Anniversary

Yesterday was our 17th wedding anniversary. We went out Friday evening (leaving the kids with grandparents) and then spent some time with family on Saturday. We took a fall picture that I will attempt to post at some time. We had a memorable week-end.
I caught myself thinking about last year. At that point I wasn't sure if it would be the last time we would be able to celebrate together. I'm glad we've had another year. It's been a crazy one. I truly think we are closer as a couple for struggling through a few things as a team.
Here's to another year...crossing my fingers for the opportunity to celebrate together next year.

Future Plans

We dropped the boys off tonight for an event at the library. The girls had come with us because Layne was at a meeting. When we started back home, one of the girls mentioned that she missed the boys already. We started talking about spending time with family...and, the fact that all of them will eventually move out when they are adults. They weren't sure about the idea. I told them that their Dad and I would miss them when they were gone. I was reminded that by that time Layne will be gone and it would just be me that missed having the kids around that I get to spend time with each day. It sounded a bit lonely. I didn't mention anything to them about it. They might have asked why Dad would be gone and I'd have to explain about cancer and dying again. Instead, the conversation was turned to the future and the dreams they have for it. It'll be interesting to see what they choose.

Not Alone

I have been concerned about taking care of our family when Layne is gone. This morning I was asking for help in my prayers about this very topic. I have been flustered with looking into options for income and nothing seeming to be right. I have also been concerned about homeschool and if we'd be able to pull that off with just one parent. I have thought about all that needs to be done to maintain a home, yard, and family. I have also given quite a bit of thought about helping the kids with their testimonies on my own. There are so many concerns. I pleaded for help with being prepared to be alone. It seemed that before I was even finished with the sentence, a gentle voice stated, "You will not be alone.". I wept for a bit and then eventually pulled myself together. I think there are times I will probably feel lonely and overwhelmed...but, I also know that I will never be completely alone. I'm still a bit nervous about managing everything. But, it's nice to know that it won't just be me.

Grateful for...

This morning I was reminded of being grateful for new flannel sheets as I climbed into bed last night, because I was grateful for them again this morning. It's one of the indications of fall and chilly weather for me to start using the flannel sheets again. Layne actually bought a new set just a week or so ago.
I was attempting to wake up (I always consider this my first accomplishment for the day...after years of practice, I'm still not very good at it.) and thought of the fact that I was grateful for one more day to wake up next to Layne. I'm so thankful that he's still around and we continue to have time together. It reminds me that when we first found out about his cancer...there was a good chance he was going to be gone by now. I'm glad that's not the case.
I know when our experience here on earth is over, it's not the end of who we are or our relationships. I also know that at this point my preference is to have my husband and father of our kids here with us. All of that seems like he would be so far away...for such a long time. When that time does come, I hope it still feels like he's near and that the time will seem to go by at a decent pace...not slowly, as if in a bad dream that won't end.
Time to be done...I'm crying and the kids need breakfast.