No 'Win-Win'

There are times it feels like there is no way to 'win' when it comes to traveling to Houston. If I go, I miss out on events with and being there for the kids. I miss being with them and having time together as a family. If I stay, I worry about Layne and how things are going the whole time. I feel selfish for not being there to help and support.
This time I've thought even more about it. There are things happening at home that I would love to be here for this weekend. There's also a greater chance that the scan will show the tumors have grown and he won't be doing chemo anyway. (If that happens - he's done with the clinical trial because the treatment isn't doing it's job anymore.)
I am remembering today that just last week Rachel brought up our missing out on a memorable Halloween event this past fall. That's hard too - I know the kids notice and remember. I will remember not being able to be two places at once and really wishing I could be. Is there some superpower for that? Sign me up.

Another Scan

Layne will have another scan happening again this Thursday. We'll know the results on Friday. If things are still looking alright - he'll have chemo that afternoon. He's been feeling more pain lately and it could be an indication of tumor growth.

As far as logistics go...I'd rather know the results of the scan before I fly out there. I'm not sure I want to get there and find out that the treatment isn't happening because there's tumor growth. If that's the case...maybe we'll take a trip down to Galveston before heading back home. Or, maybe we'll take the couple we stay with out to dinner for being so kind to us.

Priesthood Blessing

Layne just had a blessing. He asked for one because he's been feeling like he needs the strength right now. He's been feeling more exhaustion and pain lately. It seems most of the blessing was about him having peace while he continues with whatever needs to happen next (with treatment). He was told he has a wife and kids supporting him and that we will be with him until the end. There were some other things that were said - but, that was the gist of it. Somehow, it confirmed to me that we are at the beginning of the end.
I had the thought, "He's dying.", go through my brain a couple of times during the blessing. There's also something about all three of the men crying through the blessing that didn't help me to keep myself in check. I'm grateful for the spirit that was here.

Real Life

started on april 15th

lying next to layne in bed - sense his chest rising and falling as he breathes - hear and feel the vibrations of his heart beat - that's enough for now. I will be in the moment and not think about the future when there will be no warmth coming from the other side of the bed.

post script...not sure how to edit this one...so, i'm not going to...it's just the way it is around here sometimes...

"I Hurt"

So...yesterday Layne came home and said that he didn't feel well. I thought he was commenting on feeling exhausted, or having a headache, or possibly his sores/lesions were - well, feeling sore. Nope. I'm sure all of that was the case, but this time he was talking about his abdominal area. There's pain where the tumors are...that could mean a couple of different things. Although, it ends up boiling down to the tumors are growing. The scans have been fine. But, there seems to be something going on...the tumors are expanding, the cancer is moving to other areas...we don't know. It just seems like pain is not a good thing because it's typically an indication of things to come.

Only the Numbers Will Tell

I took Layne up to Huntsman yesterday to check on the possibility of a transfusion. He hasn't been feeling well. It all started when it was mentioned at MD Anderson that his numbers were low. He's been pale and a bit lethargic. He decided against going on Monday - until he came home from doing a couple of errands and was out of breath. I wanted him to promise he'd go in the next morning - but, I know he's a little too stubborn to make those kind of promises. So, it was Tuesday early afternoon when we finally went in. His numbers looked great. They offered to check vitals - I said, "yes please". So, they did and...nothing. So, we came back home. He made a comment about maybe it being in his head. The power of suggestion is strong with this one.:} I'm glad we went to get it checked out. I just wish there would have been a solution. He's still not feeling so great.

Layne Williams Cancer Fund

Some of my family members and Layne's cousin had an idea to do a fundraiser for us. This is the end result. It's done through YouCaring and I've been grateful for the number of people that have shared and donated. We are appreciative of the funds and mostly the support.
(The photo used is credited to Aspen Photography based in Salt Lake City. Thanks Lynn.)

Back Home

We came back home last night. We're grateful that my folks were able to come be with the kids. They did lots of fun things together.
Layne has slept quite a bit today. That's out of the ordinary for a guy who says he can't sleep during the day. His hemoglobin was low again on Friday. They offered a transfusion, but he would rather do that at Huntsman. I think I'll be putting it on tomorrow's schedule.

The Usual

This is my first attempt posting on a blog from my phone. In a way, I feel a bit high tech...in another way, I feel like it's about time I stepped into the current century (or at least the current decade).

We're at MD Anderson right now. Layne's getting hooked up. They were able to use his port this time. There have been times when they haven't been able to get return on it and they have to put the needle in his arm. It's easier and less painful for him to use the port - so, I'm always glad when it works out. It'll take about 4.5-5 hours. Each patient is in a separate room here. They'll come around with a menu for 'room service' in a little bit. When he's done I'll drive us to the Franklin's home (20-30 minutes). I think that's pretty much it. Of course, it all starts with flights and lots of waiting - both at the airport and at the hospital.