True To The Faith

I was asked to read this in Relief Society today. It was handed to me partway through the lesson. I agreed to the request without even reading through it. Father's Day is not the best day for a someone that watched her husband fade away before he passed away to read a story like this. I got emotional at parts. The article is titled, "True to the Faith of Our Fathers", by President Monson. It's the First Presidency message for the July 2016 Ensign.

No Idea

I had to listen to this one again tonight. Life is hard. I'm really feeling that tonight. There are so many times I have to admit that I have no idea what I'm doing. I occasionally wonder why Layne had to leave - or why I'm the one that's still here. I'm still trying to figure it all out. I'm trying to find my purpose and what I'm supposed to do next...along with trying to just do the day to day. I'm not even doing that very well. Being a single parent is hard. Trying to figure out the future for five people is hard. I truthfully have no idea what I'm doing. I know that someone does...I just haven't been clued into the agenda yet. It feels like there should be some sort of itinerary and there's not. So, I do things like listen to songs that remind me that I have a purpose after the kids have all gone to bed...except for one that is determined to stay up later than me tonight. (It was so much easier to have 'my' time when I decided the bed time. Teenagers.) Here's to hoping I get clued in soon.

A Day

I actually had a day today. I actually got up and accomplished things throughout the day. There was nothing earth shattering...no huge project tackled...no winning of the lottery...just a day. I felt like I could move through the day and that was okay. There wasn't a time when I felt like I needed to get away to read or take a nap. I was able to think about what I was doing. It was kind of nice.

Choices

When Layne and I first found out about his cancer we realized we had a choice to make.
I'm realizing that I have a choice to make now as well.
Choosing to move forward with faith.

7 Months

Today marks seven months. I'm not sure what to think about that. It feels like it was another lifetime that he was here. I'm also not sure what I've done with the time. Reality is setting in more. I'm attempting to do more with both returning to and establishing routines. I have a hard time being productive. He was always so good at that - full time student and employee, time consuming callings, his running and biking - and then at home...let's just say I'm realizing more and more how much he really did at home. I knew he was helpful and he made it a priority to spend time with the kids. But, I never realized how much he picked up the slack of all the things I didn't get done - along with all the responsibilities he took on with the house, yard, and vehicles. Occasionally I wonder, "What did I really do again?". So...besides missing him daily and wishing I had the healthy version of him back on a regular basis...I sure miss having 'everything' getting done around here in such a seamless manner. It's hard being the one left behind.

One Chance

Today was a beautiful spring day. I saw a man riding his bike as I was out and about. He was on the trail and from what he was wearing - I knew he was pretty serious about riding. It reminded me of Layne. I had a thought. 'There are no re-dos.' I reminisced about how Layne was concerned about being done. He didn't feel like he had accomplished all he was supposed to do. He doesn't get that chance back. None of us get our chance back. When it earthly experience is done - it truly is over. We get lots of do-overs...times when we get to represent and try to so better...make things right. But, we don't get to try the whole thing over again. It makes me think that it's important to do the best we can.

By Myself

The last while I've been forced to figure out a way to do things on my own. We've had people giving help. But, I still feel like I'm the one that needs to at least have every topic on my radar. This week...we had two days of a dead battery in the van. Grateful it's running now.