Missing Each Other

In the last post I went straight to my thoughts at the time of Megan's question. Maybe I'll continue with that conversation now. It reminded me of when Rachel and I were talking and I really felt like Layne wanted me to let her know that he missed her before she left the room at the end of our conversation. (I'm not sure I've posted that one yet. I'll need to check.) Megan asking if her Dad ever missed us was tender. I'm glad they think about their dad. Her actual question was really about whether I had ever thought of that before. I think she was just being curious and wanted to start a conversation.
We talked about Dad being gone...about him leaving...about all of us still being here...how we at least still have each other. Yes, I think he misses us. I told her about my realization a little while ago that  he does miss us. (That might be another one I haven't posted yet.)
There are times I wish things were different - but, they're not. Layne is gone and we are here. So, we're all just trying to make the best of it. I know he is...not sure how...but, somehow I just know he's busier than he's ever been and he thinks that's a good thing. He'll always be known as a 'doer'.

Growing Old Together

We were listening to this song when Megan asked, "Do you think Dad ever misses us?". She brought me out of my thoughts where the lyrics talk about growing old together. Finding out you have cancer at age forty is not growing old together. Layne dying two days after his forty fourth birthday...that's not growing old together. By that point, he was hoping to 'be done' before his birthday. I remember he waited for me to come home the afternoon he passed away. He was so ready to be done...but, not without saying good-bye and telling me he loved me one last time...a testament of his commitment and grit all at the same time. Whenever my mind wanders to what the future might have been...it feels a bit unfair. Life is different knowing you'll be growing old all on your own. I am aware that others have done it...and it will continue to be done...it's just not what the plan was supposed to be. There's just remembering when...

True To The Faith

I was asked to read this in Relief Society today. It was handed to me partway through the lesson. I agreed to the request without even reading through it. Father's Day is not the best day for a someone that watched her husband fade away before he passed away to read a story like this. I got emotional at parts. The article is titled, "True to the Faith of Our Fathers", by President Monson. It's the First Presidency message for the July 2016 Ensign.

No Idea

I had to listen to this one again tonight. Life is hard. I'm really feeling that tonight. There are so many times I have to admit that I have no idea what I'm doing. I occasionally wonder why Layne had to leave - or why I'm the one that's still here. I'm still trying to figure it all out. I'm trying to find my purpose and what I'm supposed to do next...along with trying to just do the day to day. I'm not even doing that very well. Being a single parent is hard. Trying to figure out the future for five people is hard. I truthfully have no idea what I'm doing. I know that someone does...I just haven't been clued into the agenda yet. It feels like there should be some sort of itinerary and there's not. So, I do things like listen to songs that remind me that I have a purpose after the kids have all gone to bed...except for one that is determined to stay up later than me tonight. (It was so much easier to have 'my' time when I decided the bed time. Teenagers.) Here's to hoping I get clued in soon.

A Day

I actually had a day today. I actually got up and accomplished things throughout the day. There was nothing earth shattering...no huge project tackled...no winning of the lottery...just a day. I felt like I could move through the day and that was okay. There wasn't a time when I felt like I needed to get away to read or take a nap. I was able to think about what I was doing. It was kind of nice.

Choices

When Layne and I first found out about his cancer we realized we had a choice to make.
I'm realizing that I have a choice to make now as well.
Choosing to move forward with faith.

7 Months

Today marks seven months. I'm not sure what to think about that. It feels like it was another lifetime that he was here. I'm also not sure what I've done with the time. Reality is setting in more. I'm attempting to do more with both returning to and establishing routines. I have a hard time being productive. He was always so good at that - full time student and employee, time consuming callings, his running and biking - and then at home...let's just say I'm realizing more and more how much he really did at home. I knew he was helpful and he made it a priority to spend time with the kids. But, I never realized how much he picked up the slack of all the things I didn't get done - along with all the responsibilities he took on with the house, yard, and vehicles. Occasionally I wonder, "What did I really do again?". So...besides missing him daily and wishing I had the healthy version of him back on a regular basis...I sure miss having 'everything' getting done around here in such a seamless manner. It's hard being the one left behind.