One Chance

Today was a beautiful spring day. I saw a man riding his bike as I was out and about. He was on the trail and from what he was wearing - I knew he was pretty serious about riding. It reminded me of Layne. I had a thought. 'There are no re-dos.' I reminisced about how Layne was concerned about being done. He didn't feel like he had accomplished all he was supposed to do. He doesn't get that chance back. None of us get our chance back. When it earthly experience is done - it truly is over. We get lots of do-overs...times when we get to represent and try to so better...make things right. But, we don't get to try the whole thing over again. It makes me think that it's important to do the best we can.

By Myself

The last while I've been forced to figure out a way to do things on my own. We've had people giving help. But, I still feel like I'm the one that needs to at least have every topic on my radar. This week...we had two days of a dead battery in the van. Grateful it's running now.

Missing Date Night

Tonight I made Mac & Cheese for the girls and I. They had a friend here too. The three of them ate outside. (The boys are gone hanging out with friends.) I was reminded of 'date night'. We did a lot of switching with other parents when it came to child care. The kids thought they were getting together with friends and the adults had a chance to go on a date. Win/Win. (Ok. So maybe I'm a tiny bit picky about who takes care of my kids. Oh. And cheap. It's less expensive to do trades. Better care for less money. That is a win/win.)

Anyway...I was reminded of date nights because we would typically feed the kids when they were here. It was usually something simple that all of the kids would tolerate. So - Mac&Cheese+Kids Eating/Playing Outside=Date Night (when we were on kid duty). 

It's also a Friday - so, that's a factor too. I miss date night. There was a while toward the end that we didn't do the child swapping thing because the kids were old enough to take care of themselves. 

I miss date nights. I miss being able to spend time with Layne. I miss being able to go and do things with him. I miss 'just the two of us'. I miss his laugh and his smile. I miss the 'just for me' way he would look at me. I even miss having other kids come over when it was someone else's turn to go out. I miss seeing him interact with all the kids. I miss Layne.

Hallelujah

I first saw this and was so grateful for a Savior. It also made me want to pull out a picture of Layne. I know I will see him again.

Thanksgiving in Mapleton...November 22, 2012

Encircling Arms

I went to the UCAP Conference on Saturday. It was great. I'll share some thoughts about that elsewhere. I wanted to share an experience I had while I was there. I was sitting down and getting ready for the next session. A guy came and sat down a couple of chairs away from me. Part way through the session, he rested his arm on the back of the chair between us. No biggie - except for the fact that I suddenly felt like it had been a long time since Layne had put his arm around me. I felt alone. It's hard to have reminders that there's no significant other waiting for you at home when you're out and about doing your own thing for the day. It's going to be a long time before I get to have his arm around me again.

Conversation Prompts

So, yesterday I heard the kids play this one a few times.

I like this song. It reminds me of Layne and being able to see him again. I was curious as to their interest in the song. Jonny said it was his new 'jam'. (He says that just about every time he finds a new song he likes.:}) I asked the kids what the interest was...telling them that it reminds me of their dad. They said it reminded them of him too. Well, Megan and Jonny did...I think the others were in agreement.
I asked the kids what they remembered about their dad. I feel like we don't talk about him a whole lot. He'll come up in conversations...but, it's usually not a conversation in and of itself. Here are some of the things mentioned. The girls both remember him laying downstairs watching shows. Megan says it's weird not to hear country music and TV shows coming from downstairs anymore. Jonny remembered some of the same regarding how things were towards the end. Jacob says he remembers, "Dad being a crazy busy college student.". That comment reminded the others about going to the lab with dad and getting to spend time with him...and have a chance to see all the cool equipment. Jonny also made a comment about remembering him towards the end because that's when they had the most time to spend with him because he wasn't going to work or anything.
At some point in the conversation, I asked about whether it was hard for them to remember their dad before the end of his life. That's when they said some things about when we lived in student housing - when we considered him to be healthy. I also got to the point of my having a hard time remembering him as healthy after he first died. I had to put effort into remembering the guy that was a runner and had muscles. That started them talking about dad not having very much hair...and reminiscing about our wedding pictures where he has quite a bit of hair and I have longer hair that was actually styled fancy. Layne kept his hair short for years. So, I'm sure that's why they remember that about him.

See You On The Other Side

Thought I'd share this one. I had something profound I was going to say about it - but, now I'm not sure what that was. I just know as I listen to this song I am reminded that Layne is not gone. He's just not here right now. Our family will have a chance to see him again. So thankful for the gospel...and for the atonement.