Thanksgiving in Mapleton...November 22, 2012
His Blog
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Hallelujah
I first saw this and was so grateful for a Savior. It also made me want to pull out a picture of Layne. I know I will see him again.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Encircling Arms
I went to the UCAP Conference on Saturday. It was great. I'll share some thoughts about that elsewhere. I wanted to share an experience I had while I was there. I was sitting down and getting ready for the next session. A guy came and sat down a couple of chairs away from me. Part way through the session, he rested his arm on the back of the chair between us. No biggie - except for the fact that I suddenly felt like it had been a long time since Layne had put his arm around me. I felt alone. It's hard to have reminders that there's no significant other waiting for you at home when you're out and about doing your own thing for the day. It's going to be a long time before I get to have his arm around me again.
Conversation Prompts
So, yesterday I heard the kids play this one a few times.
I like this song. It reminds me of Layne and being able to see him again. I was curious as to their interest in the song. Jonny said it was his new 'jam'. (He says that just about every time he finds a new song he likes.:}) I asked the kids what the interest was...telling them that it reminds me of their dad. They said it reminded them of him too. Well, Megan and Jonny did...I think the others were in agreement.
I asked the kids what they remembered about their dad. I feel like we don't talk about him a whole lot. He'll come up in conversations...but, it's usually not a conversation in and of itself. Here are some of the things mentioned. The girls both remember him laying downstairs watching shows. Megan says it's weird not to hear country music and TV shows coming from downstairs anymore. Jonny remembered some of the same regarding how things were towards the end. Jacob says he remembers, "Dad being a crazy busy college student.". That comment reminded the others about going to the lab with dad and getting to spend time with him...and have a chance to see all the cool equipment. Jonny also made a comment about remembering him towards the end because that's when they had the most time to spend with him because he wasn't going to work or anything.
At some point in the conversation, I asked about whether it was hard for them to remember their dad before the end of his life. That's when they said some things about when we lived in student housing - when we considered him to be healthy. I also got to the point of my having a hard time remembering him as healthy after he first died. I had to put effort into remembering the guy that was a runner and had muscles. That started them talking about dad not having very much hair...and reminiscing about our wedding pictures where he has quite a bit of hair and I have longer hair that was actually styled fancy. Layne kept his hair short for years. So, I'm sure that's why they remember that about him.
I like this song. It reminds me of Layne and being able to see him again. I was curious as to their interest in the song. Jonny said it was his new 'jam'. (He says that just about every time he finds a new song he likes.:}) I asked the kids what the interest was...telling them that it reminds me of their dad. They said it reminded them of him too. Well, Megan and Jonny did...I think the others were in agreement.
I asked the kids what they remembered about their dad. I feel like we don't talk about him a whole lot. He'll come up in conversations...but, it's usually not a conversation in and of itself. Here are some of the things mentioned. The girls both remember him laying downstairs watching shows. Megan says it's weird not to hear country music and TV shows coming from downstairs anymore. Jonny remembered some of the same regarding how things were towards the end. Jacob says he remembers, "Dad being a crazy busy college student.". That comment reminded the others about going to the lab with dad and getting to spend time with him...and have a chance to see all the cool equipment. Jonny also made a comment about remembering him towards the end because that's when they had the most time to spend with him because he wasn't going to work or anything.
At some point in the conversation, I asked about whether it was hard for them to remember their dad before the end of his life. That's when they said some things about when we lived in student housing - when we considered him to be healthy. I also got to the point of my having a hard time remembering him as healthy after he first died. I had to put effort into remembering the guy that was a runner and had muscles. That started them talking about dad not having very much hair...and reminiscing about our wedding pictures where he has quite a bit of hair and I have longer hair that was actually styled fancy. Layne kept his hair short for years. So, I'm sure that's why they remember that about him.
Friday, March 4, 2016
See You On The Other Side
Thought I'd share this one. I had something profound I was going to say about it - but, now I'm not sure what that was. I just know as I listen to this song I am reminded that Layne is not gone. He's just not here right now. Our family will have a chance to see him again. So thankful for the gospel...and for the atonement.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Figuring It Out
I have not been consistent in publishing posts. For the most part - I haven't been writing. I also have a few posts that I've started but need to finish and publish. Things have still been happening and I know I've lost a few thoughts/experiences because I haven't written them down yet.
I've been having a difficult time with pretty much everything for the past couple of months. That's part of my reasoning for not writing more. I had been thinking that I was going to get into more of a habit of being consistent - instead I did the opposite. I don't know exactly what has been going on. I have been doing the very minimum. I was doing more than I thought I would to be by myself and just be sad or exhausted - or both. I haven't been able to figure out where to go from here. Everything is different without Layne. I still have a hard time realizing he's gone. I get it intellectually. Someone dies and they're not coming back (okay so that happened once - but, I don't think it's slated to happen again when there's no reason for it). I know Layne will not be coming back. There are times I feel like other parts of me think he might be - maybe it's the wishing part - maybe it's the part that doesn't want him gone - maybe I think that if I miss him enough he'll appear again. I don't know. I just know I miss him and I've had a hard time getting past that to the productive part of life that I'm supposed to be jumping into wholeheartedly.
I felt like I was down after the funeral. I felt like I needed to keep going from the time he passed away to the day of the funeral. I don't know if it was the adrenaline or all the people that were helping. But, something kept me going until it was over. I crashed after that. I somehow made it through and thought I would just move forward. I started doing better with working with the kids and accomplishing some of my own goals. The holidays came and went and I seemed to have crashed again after Christmas was over. Maybe it was the same kind of thing. I held on and then had more things that I needed to work through. I don't know. I just know that January and February have been neither productive or cheerful. I have been doing enough to survive. But, the word thrive is far from how I would describe the last couple of months.
I've been having a difficult time with pretty much everything for the past couple of months. That's part of my reasoning for not writing more. I had been thinking that I was going to get into more of a habit of being consistent - instead I did the opposite. I don't know exactly what has been going on. I have been doing the very minimum. I was doing more than I thought I would to be by myself and just be sad or exhausted - or both. I haven't been able to figure out where to go from here. Everything is different without Layne. I still have a hard time realizing he's gone. I get it intellectually. Someone dies and they're not coming back (okay so that happened once - but, I don't think it's slated to happen again when there's no reason for it). I know Layne will not be coming back. There are times I feel like other parts of me think he might be - maybe it's the wishing part - maybe it's the part that doesn't want him gone - maybe I think that if I miss him enough he'll appear again. I don't know. I just know I miss him and I've had a hard time getting past that to the productive part of life that I'm supposed to be jumping into wholeheartedly.
I felt like I was down after the funeral. I felt like I needed to keep going from the time he passed away to the day of the funeral. I don't know if it was the adrenaline or all the people that were helping. But, something kept me going until it was over. I crashed after that. I somehow made it through and thought I would just move forward. I started doing better with working with the kids and accomplishing some of my own goals. The holidays came and went and I seemed to have crashed again after Christmas was over. Maybe it was the same kind of thing. I held on and then had more things that I needed to work through. I don't know. I just know that January and February have been neither productive or cheerful. I have been doing enough to survive. But, the word thrive is far from how I would describe the last couple of months.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Still Running
There are times I wonder why it was him and not me. Everyone knows he's the one that was the most productive. It's what I struggle with the most. If it were him - he'd still be working, put all the kids in charter schools/public schools, and have a system for all the necessary improvements for the house and yard. He'd have high expectations for the kids and for himself. He'd still be running.
Monday, February 22, 2016
Five Months
Today marks five months. In a way it feels like he was just here - in so many other ways it feels like it was so long ago. I miss having him around. I truly wish he were here to help the way he used to with the kids and everything that goes along with running a household. It would be nice to have him here to hold me...to tell me things were going to be okay.
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